I'm done with people being surprised by my speaking
Not knowing what to say
Being scared off
I know I can be intense
I'm sorry

I love deeply and I want to say it all
But I know I can't
I'm too intense
But it's hard to pretend
People mean less to me than they do
To some people out there
I have so many messages
I know are just
Too much
For me to send

pressure
behind my eyes
smoke
fills the sky
or maybe
my mind
I cannot see
I cannot think
the smoke is consuming
the pressure is unwavering
I cannot breathe

It doesn't matter
How deep the water is if
You're drowning in it

my scars are beautiful, a map of me
like the one on my knee
from bad poison ivy
the one on my calf
where I was hit with a piece of fence
the one on my left eyebrow, dead center
my personal favorite, prominent in every picture
the one on my chest
from when I fell off my bike
each one is a story
each one is beautiful
scars are lovely

sitting on a wooden bench
swinging my legs, knees scabbed and shins bruised
an old home phone pressed to my ear
"what snack should I bring, when I see you again?"

"ooh, blueberries please, mom!!"
"and can you bring my old stuffed cat? I want to see her again."

"Of course, baby. You can eat the whole carton of blueberries if you want, and Bella will be happy to see you."

I still have the old black cat with the orange burn mark on her shoulder.
Blueberries are still my favorite fruit.

Some things stay the same.
And some things will always change.
like how I never saw you again
except in pictures on your facebook
where you looked happy, healthy
with my baby sister
I'll never get to meet.
I miss you mom.
and I still sleep with Bella.
I just forget where she came from.