Remeber,
it was a year ago today
that I let you go.

Are you still around?
Still there to hear my call?
Maddening and still
I wait.

Incase you're somewhere out there
listening to my voice
I just wanted to say,
thank you little one
for giving me strength and allowing me to love

Your lack of existence
was something bigger
than imaginery
more real than reality
it moved mountains inside me
created oceans
caused thunder

You taught me
to love me
because I was worth it
and deserved it
when I asked "why"
You said "why not"

You
touch me,
like you know me,
and it feels good
Yeah, I let it feel good
this time

Brown hands
on my skin
and I'm at home
with you in my bed

I let something move,
deep inside me
while you were moving,
deep inside me

I let that something take hold,
I let it shift
and from a creation
became a small formation
which created a nation
within my body and soul
which poured from mind and mouth
and made me whole

Yeah,
I'll take this
I'll let this be okay

The bird outside my window
flew high the day you left me
he soared and cawed,
as if warning me
and urging me to walk away
but I didn't,
because love is a funny thing

He's been waiting on the sill
for me to open up
and gently shoo him away
but instead I lay in bed
twisting with pain and loss
dying a little more,
with every passing moment

That old bird never left me
he hangs around, lazily
waiting for me to let go
waiting for me to move on

But I can't
and I won't
because being bitter is too easy
and falling out of grace,
is a beautiful way to be

It wasn't easy for me
to be strong,
to fight against fate
to build myself back up from the bottom

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

It wasn't selfish being brave
or killing the innocent
so I could have a chance at life
and being the woman I dreamed of being

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

I wouldn't call myself a sinner
because I thought ahead
and chose to lose
your God is no better than mine
just because he agrees with you

Just so you know,
just so we're clear

It wasn't easy to love you
and it never came naturally
I worked at it
strived for it
made my heart sick over it

So just so you know,
and just so we're clear
you were the one who chose death
when you killed the only woman
who ever really loved you.

My head aches
and my eyes burn
My stomach is twisted
with pangs of guilt
with shame
and with loss

This is the letting go of you
this is how it feels to release three long years
of love
and hate
of regret and hope

It doesn't feel good
I feel heavier now
than I once did
weighed down with the agony
of loss and betrayal

When you reached into my heart
you moved further than anyone had before you
your cold calloused hands grabbed deeper
than I even knew existed
and took whatever they could

The world stopped making sense
when you released your grip
up is down and right is wrong
now that you're in love
and I'm left alone again
a woman scorned
out of love
and deep in loss.

Little man lays on my lap
and chews the water from my wetted hair, he watches
his tail and runs happily away

He never calls me baby,
but that's alright, I always leave his cradle
before darkness becomes daylight.

here is where I wait,
like a snake in the grass
for the wicked *****
to come whirling out of my mouth
and take over

You better run when she comes,
I heard that she doesn't like you
She's the woman in the moon
and the monster in my belly
A warrior of God,
and a friend of the devil

My words will come slithering
from my lips,
like itchy, *****, fingers
escaping and running away on their own

These words will gain momentum
and stab at you like hell fire
so you better watch your tongue, boy
before I cut it off
only to laugh at your pain like a banshee
because now you're the one without a voice
How humbling it will be when you're the one
who cannot speak or fight or choose

You can take me now
but my time will come
and then she'll be there
lay destruction down
and walk through the ashes

If looks could ****,
then baby I'd **** you first
I'd shoot you down
and make you bleed
because I hate you,
with everything I am
with every shaking little piece of my body

You seem to think,
that you are made from something great
that your opinion,
is the only opinion
and that your story,
is the only one to be told

But I can see through clouds
I have the gift
and I can lift the veil
I'm not blinded by my ignorance
Instead I learn from it

You've got power now, baby
but it will quickly fade
believe me true
I control the tide
and the waves
and the rain
I'll put out your fire

I'm sorry baby,
to break the news
that one day the sun will burn out
the sky will turn angry
and the lions will roar
that's when I'll take over
that's when my soul will soar.

It was a journey
it took time to learn
how to love you this strongly
how to hold you this completely
It took time,
my love
to move through you
and allow you to do the same

Her heart beats within my chest now
and I, hers
her love and her voice
sweltering within me
makes it hard to let go,
makes it hard to get away

And the beating never stops
no matter how hard I try to **** it
to smother it with indifference
rip it out and throw it away
I can't
I can't stop loving you

Do you remember,
when you told me that I wasn't your mother?
You said it sternly over shaking breath
Well you were wrong, girl
because this is how a mother loves

The sun is warm today.
I can feel it,
even from within my icy heart
which is beginning to thaw
and shift from the color of red wine
to that of the lips of a girl.

Outside my window I can see green
and it nudges me,
gently towards living.
It takes time
and thought
to remember that I'm allowed to live,
with out you.
Or to be, think, and say,
with out you there to hold my hand.
Or laugh along beside me

I don’t want to be here
Or live in a world
Where you’re not there to read my mind
And steal the words from my lips
Because it’s cold here darling,
It’s full of strangers

If I only knew,
Where you ran off too
Or where you go to get lost
I would come find you love,
I’d bring you home safe

When I miss you too much,
And my stomach drops
When my eyes well up with tears
I’ll hold my breath
And I’ll hold it steady

I’ll wait for you,
I’ll wait to live
And I’ll wait to love
I won’t do anything with out you

I dream of you, my love
for hours that feel like days,
long into the night.
My tender dreaming
becomes an affair of loving reeling
and my soul is stirred to waking

But a dream it wasn't,
and reality it was,
my wonderful, my wanted

Was there ever such a man
who could provide the possibility
of freeing me from my icy cage
and set my soul ablaze
or nudge me into a love drunk haze?

Well here it is,
and here you are
my wonderful, my wanted

Long have I waited
and wondered in discontent
if the star I had wished on
was more than a child's song
that could keep me praying long after dawn

And now you've answered,
your soft words have been spoken,
my wonderful, my wanted

Yes here you are,
and now you've spoken
I am finally here, and finally ready
I must keep my wavering hand steady
As I place my lips upon yours

I realize that something is not right
it isn't midday, to my surprise it's night!
my love that I was kissing,
seems to be missing
I run my hands through my hair,
and to my despair,
You were never there at all

You are a dream,
and a dangerous thing,
my wonderful, my wanted

You don't take my breath away,
you rip it from my lungs.
Again,
and again.

You don't tell the truth,
you spin stories of deceit.
You lie,
and lie,
and ******* lie.

Over and over,
crimson and clover,
but we won't dance to this song.

You don't play pretend,
you change completely,
to become someone new.
Ravenous and unwilling,
to ask for help,
or let it go.
Just let it go

You are not my sister.
You are but her shell
with a demon soul
that quietly slithered in
and you won't let her go
just let her go

And the moods
and the manias
they'll just keep cycling through.
Over and over,
crimson and clover,

But I refuse to sing this song with you
because I'm letting you go
I'm just letting *you go

Naked,
as the very first ray of light
and a single droplet of water

I am exposed here
laying on hot sand
and sinking further and further
into it's itchy dryness

I am insignificant
for I am alone
in a no man's land,
where there is but light
and no other life

In the womb of creation is where I transform
from evil into good
I shed my filthy skin
to become raw and new

All but a loud ringing is left
to fill the maddening silence
and I bow down
to let it fill my ears
with an insanity that crackles and bursts
only to teeter out into calm

This is the first day,
rebirth into a bright new world
and I will be fresh
and forget who she was
put it down and let go
and become who I am.

Thirty more days
And you’ll be gone again
Just thirty days
Four weeks
Seven hundred and twenty hours
And too many seconds
Fleeting too fast

It took thirty days to fall
And sixty days of hopeless wishing
To bring you back home safely
Only so you could leave me again
And you always would
And you always will
Leave me again
And again
And again

It took thirty days
To make something live
All so we could watch it die
And you could walk away
Unaffected
Untouched.

I believe in a world where people understand ****, and not just when it's forceable.

I believe in a world where children can play outside with out their parents watching every move, and not fear being kidnapped.

I believe in a world where women are no longer afraid to walk home alone at night, or to their cars by themselves, simply because they're women.

I believe in a world where young girls aren't taken advantage of at parties just so that it can be blamed on the fact that, "they were drunk"

I believe in a world with out ruffies.

I believe in a world where no one justifies **** as "Well she was asking for it"

I believe in a world where women can wear whatever they want and won't be attacked for it.

I believe in a world where women don't have to sell their bodies for money.

I believe in a world with out forced prostitution or human trafficking.

I believe in a world where women can trust men, and there bodies won't be broken.

I believe in a world where women and children are safe.

I believe in a world where little girls and boys can grow up with out being molested.

I believe in a world with harsher punishment for rapists and child molesters.

I believe in a world where harmful **** kits aren't necessary because a victim's statement is valid evidence.

I believe in a world with out gang rapes.

I believe in a world with out brutal **** videos and child *******.

I believe in a where women are allowed to be powerful and own their birthrights.

I believe in a world where women and homosexuals are no longer held down by ****** violence.

I believe in a world where women in the military aren't *****.

I believe in a world with out South African **** camps for lesbians.

I believe in a world where men and women aren't ***** for being gay.

I believe in a world where women can negotiate ****** use, regardless of the country or situation.

I believe in a world where women can negotiate when and who they have *** with.

I believe in a world where women have choice.

I believe in a world where ****** assault is considered a hate crime.

I believe in a world with safe homes for victims of ****** violence.

I believe in a world where women can establish community and a voice for themselves.

I believe in a world where that voice will be heard.

I believe in a world where women and victims no longer live in shame.

I believe in a world where women are free and accepted as leaders.

I believe in a world with out ****** violence.

I believe that it can happen, and that we together can make a positive change for our community, wherever it may be.

I read the page before me and I stopped,
Breathing, thinking, even being
For a moment
I put it down and paced,
Back and forth in my room
Swallowing back tears
I sit with hand over mouth

These stories cannot be true,
And this cannot be history
No,
No,
No,
I plead with what has already become,
Do not let this horror be real

Women and children
All shapes and all sizes
With different histories
Colors,
Mothers and fathers
Beaten ******
*****, tortured, and humiliated
Left to die
By not just one,
But many men

I would
Lay down in the street,
And die like a dog
To stop these hearts from breaking
And their bruised legs from shaking
I would scream out in desperation
And seek revenge on the devil
To protect the victims
Because I am a victim,
And to raise up the little voices,
Because I too once had a little voice

I would make them sorry
For what they did
And the fear they caused
To the small ones
And the vulnerable ones

I would bleed out every drop of blood
Hold the weak and the trembling
Fight until breath
Could no longer fill my lungs
To end it
And I will

The song begins to play
and I give in to its gentle melody,
I sway in time and tune
and become one with the sound,
with every beat,
ping,
tap,
and crash of the percussion

I become alive,
as I slide,
lift,
rise,
and spin through the room
A tiny dancer
and a perfect pirouette

I become one with the sound
and I let it carry,
my soft strong body
across the wooden floor,
that responds to my dance,
with creeks and cracks

The emptiness solidifies,
as I dance through it,
I cut it like a knife
I am the weapon
and music is the crime

We make love,
he holds me and I am his,
only for a moment
until the record skips
and the chorus breaks
I float over the notes,
like a dove
It is the wind that guides me home
and I keep it warm beneath my wings

My body is not broken,
It works just fine,
with me
and with that holy music
Oh, my savior
my grace
and the life that's trapped within me
is that sweet, sweet sound

I'm building
I can feel it,
even as I sit in my chair,
and realize that for once,
my feet touch the ground
and they are firmly planted,
beneath me
and all that I carry

I'm growing,
up and up,
inward and out
My chest is rising,
my spine is elongating
and I am coming into my own,
and all that I stand for

I'm getting bigger,
becoming,
seeing
and breathing
at a rapid rate,
from nowhere
My own power has hit me like a bus,
like a wave
and a current so strong,
that it has washed over all that I was,
and has left me with what I could be
No,
It is what I am

No longer,
will I wish for a beautiful day,
when I will be strong,
to run and fight at my own free will,
because to day is that day
No longer will I aspire,
or dream of what I can be,
because I already am,
becoming her,
in every inch by inch,
in every breath I take,
and every day that I'm alive

I have stopped,
dreaming and scheming,
of the woman I wish to be
I have opened my eyes
and I can see my own light,
I am big and beaming,
I am someone
I am, that I am

His is a face I used to know
One I used to touch,
paint with light,
place my mouth and tongue over
and cover with pure love

Once I obsessed over that face
I saw it every time I closed my eyes,
it made sleep all I wanted
Night time was the best time,
because it was consumed by him

His was the one in the moon
Same cool smirk and wandering eyes
He pulled me in
I was his ocean, and the tide was always high

Now he's a mirage,
just a small piece of what I was
A single square of my life's puzzle
because his face is different now,
a little healthier,
a little less worry,
now that I'm not around,
ever since I let him go

His face fades a little more everyday,
continuously becoming less real,
just a dream within a dream,
a fragment of my imagination

Soon he'll be gone
and that face,
the one I loved so tenderly,
will leave my moon alone,
to fill another sky

I still think of you,
sometimes late into the night,
eyes wide awake and body aching,
pulsating and confused
Perpetual shifting,
tossing and turning

Staring at my clock,
waiting on my phone,
I lay in silence and shut my eyes tight,
until they're little slits

Avoiding thoughts of you is despairing,
because you make my dreams golden,
it's a euphoric escape

Rolling over,
pretending to sleep
I conjure up your image
and call you to my bed,
to my despondent embrace

The daylight sobers,
and puts my mind at ease
You are easy to forget here,
but when the moon beams into my window,
that's when I'll miss you,
that's when the real darkness will come

So who said,
I cannot cry?
Or be free,
to say how I feel?
Why is that a rule?

To hide it all away,
within me,
or shove it in my ever bursting heart,
who would that help?

Don't be afraid of the tears I cry,
I am not weak,
I'm strong
Because I won't listen to you
I'll them out,
big hot ones
and little soft ones,
laying down ones that drown my face

The tears will fall,
freely
and they will,
warm me my eyes
and make them cherry red

My tears are all separate
and they are all equal
So Judge me,
go ahead and call me crazy
I am what I am,
but at least I *know

I fell in love with a man,
who had skin,
that was shiny and dark like copper
In one false swoop,
I fell and became his

My copper man has eyes,
that are as black as a moonless night
He smells of sweet musk
and as I breathe in his breath,
I wonder,
how did I survive,
with out this warm earth?
Have I only begun to breathe?

I fell in love with a copper man,
whose black hair dances with mine
Copper man is my morning dove
and my evening crow
He is a wise owl,
hooing me to sleep

I fell in love with a copper man
and he moves through me like rain,
whispers to me like the wind
He makes the sky
and moves the clouds
He keeps the stars shining

But I created the ocean
and I alone,
can keep the waves crashing
and drown the sailors,
who dare,
to get lost in me

As day fades to night,
I dream of your sweet nectar
Pinks and oranges,
from the sun's heavenly glow
It changes eloquently into deep,
deep purples,
like a fresh bruise
Clean and round on my backside,
from a drunken fall,
and too many laughs,
that were red and yellow
and full of life

You're the face in my sleepy moon,
that hangs clumsily in the sky
and dances with the stars

The cicadas sing me to sleep
and their buzzing rises up,
from the cool moist earth,
to join the warm night air

Laying still on the cool grass,
brings the fire flies near
and I laugh with them,
as you whisper in my ear
and start the storm between my legs

Those hot summer nights,
keep me smiling
and restore me to life

Your closed eyes,
your pursed lips,
look elegantly whole,
as you lay them near mine

From your lashes, so long
to every stumble of hair on your chin
They are perfect,
little pieces of you,
that create a wonderful,
puzzle of a man
and my sleepy little moon

I don't know what you did,
or where you came from,
but thank you,
for making a home in me
and fathering my shriveled little heart

Now it's heavenly
and red
and full of life

My love comes from a clean place,
where it's honest
and sunny
A place where I'd love to live
A place that's particularly me,
(or who I was anyway)

Thank you for being stagnant
An island
and my rock
I am the water who lazily,
washes over you,
swaying with the wind
and your lovely moon

It's cold out
and the snow is falling fast
But when I look at you,
I feel warm,
really warm

I like your long hair, girl
You're pretty,
a princess
and oh, those big white teeth

You're smile is big, girl
Like the sun,
like beauty herself

I know it gets hard,
when you want to run fast,
when you need to move far,
away from the fears that bind you,
from the hate that surrounds you

You'll be okay, girl
You're stronger than you know
What you've got in you,
could move mountains,
crack lightning
and make waves

I've seen it, girl
Earth and sky came together,
to form a woman like you
Just like the hawk that sits on your fence,
basking in big sun,
unaffected by the sound

You're my New York,
you know,
my somewhere over the rainbow
Where it never rains
and the clouds can never get me
Where it's always sunny
and the grass is always greener

You're my loud city streets,
with all of the honking and moving,
never stopping, always laughing

I love the noise
and the life you give me
You free me
and I let you fly

I love to watch your wings spread
As you soar through the sky
You are every kind of beautiful

My sister,
my mother,
my lover,
and my friend

We started from the same place,
you and I
Our souls are from,
the same seed,
that grew into a tree

A Beautiful tree,
tall and flowering,
and it always smells,
like sweet perfume
It's leaves never fall
and it will never die

Oh, blue sky, blue sky
tell me what it all means
Tell me I have enough good sense,
to leave this crazy scene
That I can stand and walk,
away and never be afraid
I will be strong,
for I alone
and this will be my karma paid

I will sit pretty in the green grass,
that grows all around
I will be Queen Earth
with yellow posies as my,
woven crown

Don't worry mama,
because I'm no fool
I know that I am Eve
and only Adam is allowed to rule
But I can change,
the day to night,
be the watery moon
and the stars so bright

Blue sky, blue sky
carry me away,
to the heavens and into the sun
because I can't see tomorrow,
if I today is just no fun

I know your smell
Like warm bread,
like sweet, hot breath
It follows as I leave
It clings lazily to my clothing
and it's imbedded in my hair

I let the water fall on me
and so you swim down the drain
I can never get clean from you,
because you can never make me feel *****
Only alive

There's throbbing and aching,
in the place where you've been
I smile and remember,
as I close my eyes
You know all my sweet spots

You have never taken from me
You only give, and give, and give
and you're with me when I go

I breathe in and say,
this is what love is for

Blue-grey smoke
swirl around your hand
and float towards the ceiling
as your voice fills the room

Head back, all the way
and laughing deeply
We feel good
and we'll never let it stop
No, these good times,
will never ever end

We spray
We walk
We smoke
and we talk
to each other
to strangers
about all of the things
that make us feel good

I lay and you lay
on the green, green grass
cool to touch,
because it's midnight
or sometime like that,
we don't know really,
because watches are outdated
and our phones are dead to the world

We make fire
inhaling and exhaling
as we laugh
and cry
We get serious
and then we play pretend,
passing the bottle
stained with four shades of lip stick

We dance
to music we know
and music we don't
On tables or just about anything,
that won't move under our feet
Arms flailing and legs shaking and kicking
We're all crazy and we don't care
because it's a beautiful time to be insane

We dig deep
into our purses
and into our hearts
for secrets
and cigarettes
for stories that will keep us connected
because when we are united
we cannot be ripped apart

My mouth goes dry
I feel a thunder storm beginning,
deep in my gut,
that becomes a hot, sticky rain
It floods me and the water,
pours slowly through my insides
Warm and sweet it flows to my hips,
and between my legs
It makes me tremble and shake

I feel alive when you touch me
The stars shine brighter
and my world starts spinning
Your smell engulfs me,
so smoky and sweet

I could live in this place forever
Your arms envelope me
and I go down
I swim through your skin
and with every solid motion,
I sing for you
Pain and passion fill my voice

Your breath, eyes, teeth, hair
fill me with sin
and tickle my devious desires
I am filled with vibrant light
For you,
I melt
For your kiss,
I am proud to be a woman

They say this place isn't colorful,
that this part of town doesn't shine
No inspiration, no life
When I open my eyes to it,
I see something a little more beautiful

I feel it too,
in every sunny day
I hear it
when the wind rustles
carelessly through the trees,
shaking their leaves
and making music
for my soul

They see an alley,
dark and dusty
A place that doesn't exist
Someone's slept there,
stepped through it,
even gazed at it
Oh the untold human condition

I love this place
this town with all of its flaws
and normalities
every park, every street
I know them by heart,
I know the people who have stepped foot there
and all of the memories that have been made

But I'm bigger than this place,
I've out grown it
I'm just a sun flower surrounded by daisies

She stared wildly at the phone
She had never felt so hungry
Or had been more aware of being alone
I pondered in dim moonlight
Where was next she would stay
But as I stopped to listen
She continued to walk slowly away

I sat among the cicadas
Serenading each other in time
I closed my eyes and played pretend
Wishing that they were mine

Nothing is worth fighting for
For that is what they’ll say
Because listening to the crying willows
Is all that will drown out the day

I galloped to a clearing
One bathing in sweet sun
And I sat again and pondered
Just how the west was won

Is it silly for me to spend my days
In sweet and empty solitude?
Or am I just greater than the rest
Pardon me for being so rude

I know my day has come along
And for that I am full of life
This will be my greatest song
Which I will sing even through strife.

I was dry
Laying on land breathing clean air
Bathing in radient light
But I got hot
I grew restless
I couldn’t take that bright sun

So I tried to take a quick dip
But I got carried away and took the plunge
Now I’m splashing helplessly
And the cold water’s stinging me
It’s covering me
And becoming me
Dragging me down
Deeper and deeper
Further and Further

Into the dark abyss
The hellacious unknown
I can’t reach the surface now
I’m continuously struggling
So I’ll give up and go down
Letting it take me
Becoming tangled in kelp
And I’ll bury my head beneath the sand

I’ll take one last look
Up at the sun I once knew
At the place where I once was

I’ll close my eyes
Let the darkness and engulf me
And let go.

Mine
was a happy soul.
A warm, yellow-orange
manifestation
which grew from God herself.

Brightness
an incendiary flame
begun from deep within
She started from a single drop of sunlight
and moved through this universe
tirelessly, waiting
for a way to get back.
She picked up blackness along the way.
Deep blues and heavy purples
dimmed her light
but still she shined
and her glow transformed.

This is when my soul
came to meet my body
and there they became
perfectly entangled
and equally united.

In this moment of saving grace
I am reborn again
I am healed from inward out.
I am together
I am not apart, or separate but equal
I am one.

I cry to the heavens
and allow my heart to escape my chest
to let it float about
untamed and unafraid.
My being has become illuminated
and quiet tears have made their happy debut
in my eyes
before cascading freely down my beaten face.

I am no longer woman
and I am no man
I am just
a being of God
hovering above my earthly body
in her good graces.