There are places,
small niches and nooks in time,
where we retire to,
where we run away from,
and find ourselves in,
when we are lost.

You my love,
are my place.
My fuzzy dreamed melody,
and my home with out a name.

The air is warm in you,
and around you.
I fall into it with open arms,
and every time,
it catches me.

Sometimes,
which is to say,
most times.
I find myself in a heavy,
thick,
merciless fog.
I feel around blindly for my exit,
for my sweet escape.
I am lost,
and I have given up.

Hopelessness becomes me,
it consumes my soul,
for dinner,
and fills its belly on my failures.
Just before it is all over,
before I become black,
there is your hand.
Your quiet,
all-knowing offering,
to guide me back to the light,
and I am saved.

Listen as they howl
With the sirens
And at the sky

Screeching
Bleeding
Yearning
And burning
All for the blood red moon
Like a prayer to God
Like a cry for mama

Listen as they weep
And pine
And ache in relentless agony
All for hope
For some kind of sign
A chill in the night
Or a smile from a star

Watch as they turn themselves
Inside out
In grief and shame
Dirtiness so deep
Even their souls must be hosed down

Watch as they crumble
And become so small
That they are now the earth
A patch of dirt for us to walk over
And smush down with our feet
Like they were never there at all

The souls of the ******
The sleepless coyotes
And the hounds of hell
Wail for me
And beg to take me down
Past the river banks
And deeper than the sea
To a no man’s land
And the place which carries no name.

It was the weight of it
Which made me wander
Into the shadowy
Starry
Menacing unknown

The depth of it
Flowed on
And on
And I followed it
In stride

It was wide
So immense
That I could not cross it
Not alone
Not with my small body

But it was
And it is
Coming
Pouring
Protruding from me
And my tiny
Womanly
Little frame

I need to put this down in words
So that one day it will have meaning
And it will never be forgotten
Because I will never lose the feeling
Of being lost
Scared
And cold
With out you there, by my side

I push my makeup around my face
Moist with tears
And soaked with sweat
This is what love does
It hurts
And it takes
Loving is like feeding a beast
Whose belly never fills

Sickness
All day and from nowhere
Something foreign
Disrupting my body
My day and my life
It doesn’t belong to me
And it never will

Fear
And the realization that I am alone
Chase away my numbness
Keep me in the present
Persistently filling my lungs with air
Air that’s cold and unforgiving
Loveless
Like me

Strength comes from a deep place
Somewhere hidden from view
A place whose existence I was unaware of
It startled me
And left me stable
Standing alone on straight legs

Laying tense
Cold
Solid on the table
Dressed in slippery wax paper
It was taken
Ripped from me
And I let them have it
Left to walk away
As half
Of what I once was

A little more beaten down
A bit more defeated
A cold shell of a bitter girl
Helpless and mad as a hatter
Screaming inside
And running wildly
In a still stiff stance

Where’s my power now?
Did they take that too?
Or did I just hand it over
Again
Giving up too easy
And leaving too soon

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To make you cry
A deep empty achy cry
One that haunts your soul
And starts a dark sickness in your heart

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To push you around
And make you feel weak
And low
Like a ***** little *****

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
Who makes you feel like nothing
Who takes everything you have
Who rips you apart
And turns your blue sky black

I’ll bring the storm
With heavy hail
Dense and merciless
It’ll break down your house
And I’ll laugh low and loud
Like thunder

I think I’ve lost it
That cloud of smoke that once settled
Deep inside me
Close to my heart and in the pit of my belly

I think it ran away and left me behind
Maybe it doesn’t like me anymore
Maybe I’m a different breed now
I’m “healed” so now I’m “healthy”
My cloudy smoke doesn’t like healthy
She likes it when it’s grey and empty
Nothingness so deep
I can feel it tingling in my feet and palms
It makes me sick

But god it’s so beautiful
The things that I can create from pain
The things I can say
When my belly trembles
And my hot breath forms a voice
That carries out my cries
But I’ve fallen silent

Instead my sadness just brings sleep
And the sun hides behind clouds
Sky is nothing but an endless wall of grey

I can’t dance in the rain
I don’t feel like screaming at the hot wind
I just become quiet
Immersed in my new being
This distant person
Who speaks with precision rather than wild crying
This woman who smiles instead of a girl who makes faces
Writes and reads
And has time to rise with the sun

I’m so bored with womanhood
I want to be free to run and play
Take time and feel god sitting beside me

I want to breathe and have it mean something
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a real person
With a real personality
Not just a professional who smiles

I have to be alone
And listen to my belly
And the smoking cloud that sets me free
The ones that burns up my heart crisp

It sings me to sleep
I let it take me every time
On the crest of a wave
It lulls me into loving bliss
She is my savior
I cling heavily to her voice
That moves through me and rocks me to my core
Please I plea on my knees
Take away this pain and make me clean
And she does
Just like she has
And she always will

I stumble in
Throw myself on the bed
And let my head sink into the pillow
She takes me away
To a place that’s green
Where I’m wearing white
And I can feel without hating
Run without falling

The moon sends light through my window
As she wraps herself around my
Tired, worn body
She presses me to her breast and I am whole
And I am safe
She is mine and I am forever hers
Lumen de lumine
Take me as I am and carry me to the light

Sometimes I forget to breathe
I forget that I am real
And not just living in make-believe
I’m here and on this earth
Stagnant, lying
In the up and in-between
Away from where you are
I can stay hidden, unseen

Sometimes I forget to open my eyes
I forget that I’m only dreaming
I wish that this life were only lies
And not the constant haunting I’ve been fearing
If I fall I won’t feel it
If I die I’ll be alright
Because I was never really living

I wish that my fantasy lasted forever
Went on and into infinity
But that’s a silly thing to want
For without pain we never feel
And with out boredom we never feel excitement
I grow impatient with wondering
If I’m really here at all
If I speak will any one even hear?

Sometimes I forget to breathe
If I do please shake me
I’d hate to die in your arms
Such a predictable way to go
Sometimes I forget to scream
When the pressure builds
When I feel sick and frightened
No, I’ll never forget what he did
But I’ll always forget to speak.

I want to ****
And fight
And live
In a world of green
In a big sea of blue

I want to be free today
Shake loose my chains
And ropes
And tassels
That bind me
And keep me quiet

I want a good day
One that will make my heart flutter
And evoke a sweet smile
Across my hardened cheeks

Come here boy
Lay with me
Let our bodies twist into one
Let the grass grow outside our window
The one that we alone share
Let the wind throw force at our door
The one that keeps the bad out
And lets the good in

I want that big life
The one they call The American Dream
So let the sun fill the sky today
Let’s march arm in arm
Towards the mecca
And into the promise land

Did I turn it ugly my dear
I felt the storm coming
I heard the thunder over our heads
The crashing torrents
So loud and angry
The sound piercing

I should’ve known I’d end it
I’ve never been much for sweet and simple
I can’t say goodbye without revenge
Hate is the only barrier
The only thing strong enough
The only wall tall enough
To keep my heart from yours

Is it all, my fault my dear?
Am I the mad-hatter?
In this twisted fairy tale?
Are there any truths to my tongue?
To my intricate web of lies
Woven from our love
And my from our damaging passion

I’m sorry I called for the clouds
Let you drown in the downpour
Gave you no shelter from my rain
I shot you with my lightening
I hope it set your soul ablaze
And woke up that soft spot
The one deep in your heart
Where I used to make my humble home.

We sat still on the moist concrete,
with our backs against her red saturn
Surrounded by the summer's heat,
smoking cigarettes

We held on to the smoke,
in our lungs
Breathing in deeply,
letting it out smoothly

We laughed and talked about all things,
mostly the stories of our mothers' youth
Comparing and contrasting it to our own

It didn't matter what the hour was,
or how much time we wasted sitting there
All life is, is wasted time
Even if nothing profound happened in our lives,
we would be content with it
Even the dullest moments,
when looking back seem great
Because they are ours,
and we keep them alive in our hearts,
by retelling them

When life is all a bunch of nothing,
then nothing in life matters
We can do whatever makes us smile,
and fills us with happiness

There are no certainties and no permanents
Everything changes,
but everything is nothing

This is not meant to upset you dear,
nothing is not a sad thing
Nothing keeps us content,
nothing sets us free,
and nothing can keep us apart.

I love the way you smile
Full and bright with squinty eyes

The way you toss,
your crimson hair girl
Makes me proud to be a woman

You rattle and shake me
We laugh together on your porch
Bright sun and green grass
Like your eyes, but not as bright

Your car goes fast girl
Red, chili pepper red
Hot like your bite
Like your pride
Loud and spicy like your laugh

You're free girl
Big smiles as you spin in fast circles,
in your front yard on this heavy summer's day
Sometimes your eyes are blue,
like big sky flying
But I like them green.

My lips are stained red from wine
My head is buzzing
A sweet kind of headache
The dizziness of being drunk

I lay still,
tapping my finger nails on the glass
Waiting, I'm always waiting
The darkened room, aglow
Small illumination from a muted television
Flashing colors, changed my surroundings

I am alive, aware
Balloons hang from the ceiling,
but there's no party in sight
Not here, not ever.

She dances and screams
With wild colors adorning her
Blood reds,
and royal purples

Her long hair falls across her back
and swings freely,
with every move she makes

Her big heart is open to all
It's like a neon sign that reads,
"Open for business"
It's humming is alluring,
and contagious
It always beckons them forward

She let's them climb in,
one after another
They feast on her love,
and stay beneath her breast,
sheltered from the storm

Some will nustle up into her,
and clean up before they go
Others may lay waste and tear her apart

But there she will stay
Still standing
Still loving
Still strong
She remains unafraid
Nothing can harden her heart.

I like your smile
You know, the one
The smile you let loose
When you're feeling mischievous
When you're truly happy

Your eyes shine and glisten
So beautiful
So elegant

I wish you knew
I wish you could see it
Instead of standing in front of your mirror
Slouching and empty
Hating what he stole

I love it when you laugh,
scream and dance around
Like something wild and alive
Girl it's divine how fast you drink it down
Yell with out apologies

You say, do, feel
whatever you want to
Dancing stupidly and love,
with full heart
Don't lose it girl
All that greatness that you are
Will always be needed in a world like this

They're just words
Written in pen on clean paper
Whispered gently, and
thrown around
Unraveled, untangled
Untranslated thoughts

Symbols placed together
Neatly, thoughtfully
Clustered and chaotic

But these "words" set me free
They take away the pain
**** the poison from the bite
And make me sane
Keep me healed
And soothe my head
That buzzes and churns

Words clear the clouds from my sun
They make me who I am

When I'm lost in the dark city
Lips pressed to the bottle
Short skirt and,
cigarette smoke
Words guide me back
Writing makes me remember
The little girl I hide away

Let's take a drive girl
Just you and me
Get in the car, let's go!

Let's live life today
Live the way we want to
Let's follow dusty roads
Passed trees and fields and farms

Let's see something real
Tangible, something we can feel
Let's breathe in country air
Smoke cigarettes and sing loudly

I'll drive, be my co-pilot
We'll go somewhere and that's nowhere
A place we've never been
Let's live life today

I want to feel alive
I want to feel things
Real things
The blood rushing through my veins
I need to feel human again

Let's drive fast and get away
Drive far like we have somewhere to go
Laugh like big clouds
Smile like sky
Red car rumbling like my heart.

Are you okay?
Yes, yes I'm fine, just fine.
Are your doors locked?
Windows closed?
Are you safe?
Yes, yes I'm fine
Everything's alright

You sound different,
are you stressed?
Cold or tired?
Depressed?
Good God!
Sick?

Are you coming down with fever?
The flu is running rampant!
It's dangerous, you know
No, no, I'm fine!
I promise I'm fine!

How's the area?
Poor? Rich?
White? Black?
Is it safe?
Is your phone on?
911 on speed dial?
No, no, I'm safe I'm fine!

It's one week
I'll call you tomorrow
Call before
Or if anything happens
I want to be the first to know.

It starts simply
A rush in your chest
A clean clear smile on your face
The beginning of a new day
The first good day
The best day

Sunny and full of life
Take advantage of that big sky
Open your arms to it
Breath it all in
Let it fill your lungs

Endless life is endless
Live like the birds do
Flying and singing,
they dance with the clouds

Feel it and carry it with you
Wherever you go
Wherever the road ends
In the place you go to get lost
Wherever you find yourself
You are not alone

Always and forever
You will have sun, moon, and sky
Pack your bags and they will follow
On two feet, walk or run

All God is, is all God ever was
It is in you,
palpitating in your chest
Putting the blue in the sky
The face in the moon
And the light in the sun

When she smiles, I smile
When she laughs, I laugh
When she cries,
the tears also flow down my face

She sees and I feel
I see and she feels
Together we are yin and yang

Apart we are little
And easily subdued
Together we are strong
We need no one else
Man or friend
Enemies beware

Hair like golden rod
With cloud teeth
She floats around the room
Dancing and sining

With pinewood locks
And deep brownie eyes
I join in

She's my better half
And I hers
I am the calm after her storm
And she is the first ray of light in my morning.

Lay your golden hair over me
Let my legs become one with your locks

Look me in the eyes, girl
Past my walls and through my soul
And tell me that you're okay today

No storms on the horizon
Your mind is clear and bright
Let me paint a smile on your face

Today we'll cover our bodies with sun
We'll let all healing light in
Feel it swimming through our veins
We don't have to talk at all

I can see it in your eyes
In the fluidity of your movements
I don't need it whispered
Or screamed
I just know.

She sings songs in the park now
She’s beautiful
You should see her play

She dances around
Her old guitar case
Gliding with feet bare
To the street beneath them

She doesn’t sing for change
That’s only a cover
She plays for the trees
And for the lovers
Sitting on their benches
Holding honest hearts
In their strong clean hands

She hums to the passersby
On bikes
On foot
Her voice stretches
Throughout the winding path
Reaching every stroller pushing mother
Nanny
O’pair
Reminding them that life is extensive
That it’s possible to grow
Even from concrete

The people in the park
They are the flowers
Newly blooming
And her music is the spring
Her honeyed voice
As she slowly strums her guitar in tune

I am a woman standing alone
Against the walls that keep me in
So high that I am unable to climb
Unable to reach the sky
Or feel the sun dust my lips

I am a woman breaking free
From the chains that bind me
The whips that break me
And hold me down until I
Am one with the ***** wet ground

I am a woman running fast
From your lightening strikes
And your throwing knives
I will no longer be your target practice
Your whipping girl
Or your excuse to roll your eyes

I am a woman laughing loudly
At your sick, sad life
At your pathetic existence
Because you must now reap what you sew
You must live with your broken body
And your tired mistakes

I am a woman dancing wildly
With happiness
And power
With purpose
And with strength
That you cannot hold or have
Because it’s all mine baby
And I finally got it back from you

Love is a quiet rainstorm
That taps gently at my roof
Ping, ping, ping
Wake up sleepyhead

It beckons me forward
Towards the window and into the bleak greyness of the day
Raindrops flow tirelessly down my window pain
Lazily dripping into the gutter and into my garden

I’m not ready for it
But I never really am
Sometimes the rain comes hard
Thunder and lighting crackle towards the earth and rumble my weary home
I am jilted from sleep and left cold and shaky

Other times I need it
I’m too dry
My flowers are dying
Thirsty for it
Begging to be big and blooming they turn towards the sky

I stay inside my house when it rains
It’s not safe to go outside
I’ll become covered in it
Wet from head to toe
Cooled off and alive
I’ll never want to leave
I’ll stay in it forever
That’s what a good rain does

Every noise is loud and every drop refreshing
It’ll wash away the dirt and the tears
That I’ve collected inside my home
My safe nest
That keeps me alone and out of the rain
Out of love and forever afraid.

Sometimes it rains here
All day and into the night
I gaze up to find endless grey
Nothingness as far as I can see
It pours heavily
Then the fog comes to settle
Staring blankly out my window
I sit on the cold wood
And wait

I fight
With myself
And with my fate
Begging
Pleading
Screaming
For the sun
To finally come back
And warm my icy face

I bargain
With God
Asking her
Then telling her
Not to take my sun from me
Because I need my light
I need it to shine
Just a little brighter for me today
Because I’ve forgotten how

There will be days
When the sun doesn’t come
And the rainwater fills your home
Drowning your possessions
And spitting on your faith

There will be times
Where you will find yourself shaken
Alone and afraid
Godless and crying out for a savior
Turning your back on hope
Only to throw away your love

Don’t.
Behind every dark cloud
The sun is lying in wait
To save you
To heal you
And bring you back to the light
And you will once again be strong
Be alive
And be unafraid

Today is the day
When I will get myself back
Take claim of the rights that I have

I can see
Into the light
And into the collective

I can feel
A new day
A new dawn on the horizon

I will be
Greatness running forth
Try and catch me as I fly by

I will sound
Like a whirl of fury
A powerhouse so deep
It’ll make your knees weak
Like effervescent singing
Like cool waves softly crashing

I will feel
Like a ******* woman
Thick and strong
Unmoved like a tree
Growing up and beyond your vision
Your view of the unseen
Offering you shade
A soft place to lay your head
A cool place to sit and dream

I am
Something on the rise
A woman just beginning
To take heed
To feel her birthright
Finally demanding justice
And offering it to only myself

You can’t stop me now
Because I’m on my way
I bet you thought you could
But no
I’m good and gone
Away and above
This dark place where you lay
The sticky sweet where you go to die

No longer do you bind me
Pain so powerful and bittersweet
Because I’m stronger than you know
And nothing’s holding me back

I fell asleep at noon
To that good ole’ familiar tune
To the cicadas
Buzzing and humming
Down by the bayou

I know today is gonna be the day
That the good lord coming to take me away
Jesus, he gonna come down and save me
He gonna come down and set my soul free

To the cicadas
Buzzing and hummning
Down by the bayou

I fell asleep in the hot sun
With the air around me sticky and sweet
I hear those boys comin’ with that gun
But I’m just too tired to get on ma feet

I know today is gonna be the day
That the good lord coming to take me away
Jesus, he gonna come down and save me
He gonna come down and set my soul free

I was lulled to sleep by that seductive song
It was soft and dreamy
And I was humming along
Down by the water moving slow
On the banks of the bayou
Don’t no one gotta know

That today’s the day when good God
Coming to take me away
Yeah today’s the day Jesus coming to save my soul
Praise the heavens he’s gonna turn it from black
To shiny gold.

The cityscape paints a picture
Of a raw permeating truth
Something bigger and better than who I am
But it is me
Or at least I try and play pretend
Playing princess
In a dark forbidden castle
Locked away in the land of never ever

The streets are black and wet
Stained with putrid stank
Vile fluids and ghastly memories

Is this home?
This place where the sun doesn’t shine
Hidden away from all the beauty
A place completely human
Raw and angry
Like a fresh wound

Sweet smoke fills my lungs
Thank you, New York
For bringing me back to reality
For slapping me in the face
With life
With the insanity that made me sane
With the dizziness of drunken days
Days that were too short
Where night couldn’t wait to spread
Its darkness across the sky
And the moon dominated my sweet sun

Here in the city of death and despair
Is where I was born
I broke free of the womb that bound me
And I ran
I ran to get lost
And to be discovered
Thank you, New York
For taking me in
And becoming my cold, distant
Other mother.

But I was there
You can’t tear the truth from my hands
My fingers will hold on
Gripping and clenching in vein
Because I was there
And my actuality can’t be stolen from me

Sorry mom
Sorry dad
But I have to tell my tale
I can’t pretend that I’m whole any longer
I am no lady in white
My testimonios must be told

Don’t call me crazy
Don’t hold me down
Because I was present the entire time
No one can fight my facts
Because they lay not in my body
They felt not the breath on my neck
They’ll never know my pain

It’s funny how men will try and convince you
That you’re not real
As if you’re part of their imagination
That they created
And birthed all on their own
Is that why they try and destroy us?
Hold us down and tell us
That we don’t deserve the world
Or life
Love
And breath

When did it all become so real?
This life
And every sharp
Biting
Steely speck of pain

I wish I couldn’t feel it
or understand the weight of it
I wish I were immune
Like so many others
But, what a dream

It felt so real
Like we were really together
And I was actually holding
Your small warm body
Against mine
And you were really happy
And safe
And I loved it
I was grateful
As I rocked you in my arms
Soldier stance
A warrior for you
my love
Vowing to always keep you safe
In my arms and away from pain

I was a half
And you were a half
And together we made a whole
Something so beautiful
So complete
That it sent my heart flying
And my body buzzing in celebration

Not even he mattered anymore
It was only you
And it was only I
Our love was the only love
But then morning came
And ripped you from my arms

Goodbye my baby
My love and my only
It is time for you to leave me
It is time for me to wake up alone
And feel the emptiness in my heart
And the burning in my burning chest
Where you once lay your sweet face.

My little soul
Traveled across time
And through the deepness
Of space
To get to you
My dear
My love
She flew tirelessly
Endlessly
Only to be reunited with yours

Broken heart
So cold and stiff
Don’t be angry anymore
Because my heart of hearts
Is here for you
And I won’t ever leave
I’ll never let you go

My body
Your body
Together we formed something soft
And fragile
We created a creation
That was bigger than us
It was greater that my greatest fear
And deeper than your deepest regret

I turned my back
I didn’t watch
As it was taken
I gripped the hand that was offered
One that I had wished was yours
I alone watched as my castle crumbled
I bore witness to the destruction of my own fairytale
As it dissolved
And became one with air
Time and space
And I followed
The pink screaming sky
Into oblivion  
And forgot my dear
That you were ever there at all.

If you leave me now
Make sure you don’t come back
Close the door
On your way out
Of my shaky falling house
Walk away
From the place we made a home
And my mangled
Tormented
Body built for two

The roses turned the water red
And so I did as well
Cold weather
Reached my bones
And told me to let go
So I forgot to hold on
And how to love

Warmth doesn’t settle in me now
No matter how long I walk
Through the desert
I will still be cold

The sun doesn’t shine here
Not in this place
She’s afraid of the clouds
And the angry wind
So she stays away
Just like you
My love
She also couldn’t bear
To watch the destruction unfold

Goodbye my darling
I’ll be fine
Just pushing down the daisies
That grew from my little muddy heart
For only you
I’ll let them wilt inside my soul
And forget that they ever lived at all.

Butterflies
My stomach jumping
And in knots
Shaking hands
Smiling like a clown
I must have been insane
To ever think
That happiness like that
Could ever really last

Do you believe in love my dear?
You know, the kind that rips you
From your seat
Onto your feet
The kind that makes you dance wildly
Smiling and laughing
Little girl sort of giggles
That make you feel young

Or the kind
That happens at first sight?
One look
One slow moment in time
When eyes meet
And familiar souls are awakened
To new beginnings
Blink and you missed it

Sometimes it makes me want to run
Or climb
Or jump and move mountains
Make rivers
Create the clear blue sky
That stretches onward
For you my love
And only you

Because you deserve these things
All of the goodness that life can offer us
May all of the gifts
And happy endings
Find their way to you
Because this my dear
Is your love song

Love isn’t for me
It’s dangerous to have
And even more menacing to keep
I am not meant for happiness
Not like that anyway
Man
Woman
Tongue in cheek
Tangled together like a **** pretzel
Whispering broken “I love you’s”
In between hot breathy moans
Belonging to someone else who actually deserves me
Is unheard of
That’s just too much goodness
And purity has never done me justice
I need pain to love myself
I have to feel real to create beauty
And to feel real I have to be present
The kind of presence you only feel after you’ve been down on the floor
Stepped on
Kicked at
And knocked aside
Covered in mud and self-loathing
Manic highs and chipper chirping only form a distraction
From the work that makes me proud
From this sickening seed grows the most beautiful flower
And only beauty is true
Anger is the spark to my creative flame
And hate keeps it burning

My love for you
Is the constant in my life
The empty shallow place
Between sleep and waking
Time and space
Is where you’ll find my heart
That’s where I keep your love

Touch me
And my throat dries
My legs shake
And I give in to your warmth
Your lungs and mine
Create one breath
One sweet sickness
One shared moment in time

I want to run to you, dear
In to your arms
Before I sink slowly
Perfectly
Into your heart

I forget you
Every time you leave my side
My mind rids its self of you
Of your touch
Your smell
And the hushed low love
You whisper into my ear

The sun is high and bright today
The grass an explosive yellow-green
Yet still I lie dreamily
Weightlessly
On an old red pillow
Stained with familiar tears

So what does it really mean to be like everyone else?
Do I get to check the boxes that they do?
I am happy all the time, check!
I can be alone without panicking, check!
I am completely normal; check, check!
Being normal is being in love
Being in love only counts when they love you back
That’s what they say
If it’s not returned then it’s not real
It never happened and what you feel is wrong
It’s pretend
Make believe
Like when you danced around the house in a crown and said you were a princess
But you were never a princess
Your crown was plastic
And when your brother stepped on it
It broke
And you cried
Because what you want can’t ever be real
But still you danced
Didn’t you?
Twirling under the big onward stretched sky
Giggling and knowing
That one-day when you were big enough
Your prince would come
But he never did, did he?
He got his dates confused and didn’t show up to your ball
So you stood there alone on the stairs
Stunned
With your naked foot in the air
Waiting for your glass slipper
**** your glass slipper
And **** prince charming
Hike up your dress and press your lips to the bottle
Turn your head to the sky
The one you used to smile at
And drink
Because this is what you’ve got
Honesty and intoxication
And when you’re honest you become real
You’re worth something again
If it’s not coming then don’t wait for it
Turn your back and run like hell
Leave your broken crown to whither in the dust

You drive me crazy boy
You make me want to be bad
You turn me into something
That’s dark and *****

Bite my lip and flip my hair
Slinking and slithering
Towards you like a snake
In the grass
Aching and yearning
For your touch
For a little taste

You make me scream inside
Start the rainstorm
And make me sweat and spin
I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your greatest Goddess

I’m Venus rising
Wanting you in me
On me
All over me
I’ll be nasty
Turn your nice into naughty

Own me
Make me yours
I’ll lose control and get lost in it
Come around and instead of ****
I become ***

Who are you little one?
Small boy who sits
At the edge of the bed
Voice so soft I can barely hear it
Where did you come from?
Beautiful and baby faced
But you kiss like a man
You lift me and pull me close
I can feel strength in you

Hold me small boy
Let me make you feel big
Like a man
A real machismo

Blonde and curly
Like golden rods
And you smell that way
I breathe you in
And I can feel
Summer’s warm embrace
Endless life and endless green

Tell me boy would you turn away
If I became weak and timid
Like a feral cat?
Would you dance along beside me?
As I spin wildly on
Smiling big smiles
Screaming like a wicked *****
Beautiful and free

If I’m moving this way
Would you follow closely behind?
Or run off when my back is turned?
Tell me my little one
Hold me close
And strong
Don’t break the barrier
That you’ve created around me
Just tell me with your quiet voice
Like rustling branches
That you’ll stand behind me

I must let go today
And be healed
If not for me
Than for my body
That aches and twists with pain
Whenever his face makes an appearance
In my sick mind

Like a ghost he haunts me
Makes me sick and makes me cry
Memories mar my mind
They smack me with pain
And kick me with regret
So I run to your bed
Just to hold you
Just to feel your breath
I use you as a replacement
As my escapism
Because I can’t face
My own face
My reflection in the mirror
That stares back at me
Hauntingly
Accusingly
Because she and I know
What I could’ve stopped

So I bury my eyes
In the warmest part of your chest
And pretend to be anyone
Someone who is not me
A girl detached
A girl who isn’t scarred
I breathe in your smell
And realize
That no I can’t stay here forever
Today I need to let go

Mama said be careful
Don’t talk to strangers
And don’t walk alone
Mama said to sit up straight
Keep your elbows off the table
And lock the doors when you get home

Mama said be patient
Be polite
Be a lady
Mama said not to sit on the grass
Not to stay in the sun
And go out only if it’s shady

Mama said be a good girl
But this good girl’s got to roam
This girl’s gotta spread her wings
And fly away from her home

Mama said a lot of things
Of this I know is true
But mama never said nothin’
‘Bout stayin away from you

Mama never said you’d hurt me
Or do me so wrong
She never told of your sweet kisses
Or the sadness you’d put in my song

Mama said that boys lie
But you were different; you were a man
Mama should have told me
“Girl, run as fast as you can!”

Mama didn’t tell me
But Ima tell mine
That men like you are icky, yucky things
And ain’t no better than swine

I can feel you slipping away from me
Again
Like the many times before
You’re just beyond my grasp
Let me reach a little further
I’ll never let go

You can’t run far
Not as long as I have my claws in you
I’ll break you
I’ll make you bleed
You’ll never get away from my wicked heart
Or the destruction that lay before you

I’ll hold you still in my hand
Like a baby bird
Screeching for freedom
But you can’t have it
No, you’ll never leave me
I’ll always be the first to go.

Please don’t try to struggle
To clip your wings
Will only cause me pain
Because I love to see you fly

You’re only safe in my arms
Next to my heart
Warm and close to me my love
It’s dangerous where you go

Don’t fly away
You’ll never get away
I’ll always be the first to go
Do not fly away from me my love
You’ll never get far.

Me and you
Not as complicated
As you and I
I couldn’t buy you
I guess I didn’t have enough
Just the lint from my pockets
And a little change

So this will be my apology
For making your life miserable
And twisting your world to black
Love and ***
I’m sorry I confused the two
I’m sorry I allowed them to be linked

I believed them to be intertwined
And enabled them to live in me
I had no right to that
I had no right to love you
No right to let it feel good
Or to create a home in your bed
To smile and laugh
As you kissed and tongued me
No right to cry
As you grabbed and pulled at me

It wasn’t my place
Your heart a palace
Brilliant and beautiful
My ***** little hands
Undeserving
It wasn’t mine to touch

So you rebelled
With darkened defenses
A rage too cruel
Even for the blackest of hearts

You intruded me
Stormed my gates
You split me like an apple
And swallowed me whole
Helped yourself to my pink and white
Skin soft and tight
Ripping
Ripped
Gone

Gazing at me with that sick smile
Is enough to make me spit on any man
Yes
I was blind for you
As dumb and vulnerable
As a field mouse

I was meant to hate you
To break you
Scream at you
Hurt you
And ruin you

So here is my apology
From my twisted little soul
To yours
For getting in your way
Laying in fear with the others
And being the first to speak

I touch the poison to my lips
Let it settle there clumsily
Before drinking it down
I tip it upward and swallow fast
Killing any good life that was left

I’ll let them take me
Have me
And use me
Before the grand finale
This is the game we’ll play
I’ll give and you can take
Throw it away before my eyes
Because we are not equal

I yearn for the one who broke me
Who took all
Until I had none
Like a child reaching for a parent
I scream for him
With arms towards the sky
Reaching
For anyone who passes by
For anyone who will take me

I am looking for justification
For the unfinished creation
That is my very soul
And my everything

It is a sick cycle
And a twisted way to live
Every time consume it
Every time I am touched
My broken body only wants it more
She is craving her own destruction

But how do you stop the gamble
When you feel like you could win?
Put down the dice
And walk away
From this dark, ***** girl
From the incessant pain
And from my open burning heart

I’m that girl your parents warned you about
The one they shake their heads at
Look down at in disgust

Late nights I press my lips to the bottle and raise it to the sky
Howl at the moon
And lose myself in sin
Smoking an screaming
I am followed by a dark grey smog
A ***** damp rain cloud

I’ll lift my skirt
If you tell me I’m pretty
Because I don’t care
I’m young and wild
I was born to be bad

I spin in fast circles
And fall down in the street
I get lost in humiliation
And always laugh loudly along
Raving
Rambling
And talking crazy
I am red cheeked and shameless

Wicked seduction
Your biggest fear solidified
Home before curfew
Covered in soft pink and baby blue
Sleeping off drunkenness
So peacefully
Like an angel
A perfect lady

When I hear your voice
It’s bitter sweet
I close my eyes tightly
And push back the tears

I try to remember a time
When this felt good
When it didn’t burn inside my chest
And pound within my head
A time when you were decent
A time when it didn’t hurt

I become lost among the chaos
And the sharp edges of my mind

Dark, cold, distant
My sun has gone away
Leaving behind the crashing torrents
Of an angry ocean
And murderous rage
For which at your will
I provide the body
My body
To be angry with
To hurt and to hate

You grab my wrists a present a blade
A clever plan of demise
My demise
I let you take from me
Pillage and steal

Throw away what you don’t want
I don’t fight it anymore
I’m too weak and small

I don’t smile or laugh or play
That girl is gone
When it’s finished
I stare at the ceiling

When with him I am an actress
I play a role
I play it well
I know all the moves
And I know all of my lines
Those blurry little lies

I play my part skillfully without fail
My smile destroys my own true feelings
The flip of my hair
And the bat of my lashes
The giggles
The grace
My kisses
My touches
Are all planned and rehearsed

Tongue to navel and lips to lips
Every touch of your face
Or neck
Or chest
Every wink, smile, and moan
All lies
I’m just playing pretend
I’m just doing my job

You don’t love me
But you don’t know that I’m acting
If you don’t feel love
When I’m playing better than myself
I know you’ll only cast the real me aside

The silly
Playful
Funny me
The one with the light behind her eyes
Will never be seen by you
And you’ll never be allowed to hurt her
I keep her away
Up on a shelf at a distance
As I **** this girl slowly
For the promise of your touch
And I chance in your bed

I’ll just be 10 times stronger
Every time you attack me
Lay the blame on me
Push me around
Throw sharp words at me
The kind that pierce my chest
And burn slowly like poison

For you and your serpent tongue
Your hot sticky breath
And your cold dead eyes
I am a shell
The shed skin of my old self

Lying next to you
I am nothingness
I stare out the window at the sun
I wish she’d burn a little brighter today
Because I know longer can
My shine wore off
My light burned out

As soon as I climb out of
This black hole in which you’ve placed me
I’ll just be 10 times stronger

I wish I didn’t want
To live with it’s burn
Is an awful fate
To live in your love
Is to live in an empty, lifeless world

When you speak
There’s a sweetness in my chest
And hot sweat on my palms
It’s a burning sickness that I cannot run away from
Take me for this is all I am

I wish I knew how it felt to be
Myself
Someone that is all me
One who wakes up knowing
Who they are and where they stand
Everyday would be a good day
Each one better than the last

But instead I lay worn and ragged
In this dark, wretched place
Beside you
Breathing slowly
And letting out hot little tears
The one’s I hide from you

Pain and longing are my ***** little secrets now
I can hide it away from their eyes
And pretend that I’m okay
Like it’s good to be me

If no one sees
Then it never happens
And I can live in make believe
Where nothing hurts
And where my scars don’t exist
In a world where it’s always sunny
And everything tastes sweet

As I wake
I find that he is the taste in my mouth
His smell lingers on my sheets
It hangs heavy in the air
He’s on my skin
And he’s in my hair
I touch myself
He’s there too

As I dress I push him
To the back of my mind
But he slowly slinks back
Into my thoughts

I am overwhelmed
Every part of my being
Is consumed by him
I am weak with out him
I am even weaker
In his cold embrace

Perhaps I was always this weak
And it has nothing to do with him
Maybe he is just a crutch
A ***** little place to point at
Accusingly
A scapegoat for my flaws
This thought calms my nerves
And puts my busy head at bay

I bathe and his smell slides
Off my skin
The essence he had left on me
Is now gone
And is spinning down the drain
He is gone now
And I have full control

The world is alive tonight
Colored signs are illuminated
Streetlights are on fire
The stars are all out to play

Let’s get lost in this blissful world
Where everything is happy
And everything tastes sweet
I want to scream in the backseat
Until my voice gives out
Stick my hand out the window
And wave to the world
Watching it sway in the wind
Before bringing it back

I am in love tonight
Not with a man
Not with a woman
But with life
With laughter
As loud as thunder
With hands up
*** out
Wild dancing
With everything good
And with everything I have

The world is on fire tonight
So let’s live it up
While it’s burning down

I am a dog with her head out the window
Wind in my fur
Tongue flapping
Happy to be alive