I stood there frozen,
unable to move
breathe,
or blink

For a moment,
everything was gone
It was all lost
fallen and forgotten
in the in between
out in the great unknown

But air filled my lungs again
and with all my strength
I beared the wait of breathing
of life and death
and all that comes with it

I moved my feet, first
wiggled my toes around
just to make sure I still could

My feet danced in my shoes,
kept warm by my stockings
and I knew,
that your goodbye didn't **** me

*But it didn't make me stronger

I saw him laying there
still, so very still
I thought he was dead
gone
already passed through
to the other side

Then his chest rose
up, aghast
struggling for breath
his eyes winced
legs pulling up into his chest
feet flailing and twitching

I could feel
the pain that ran through
his fragile, still body
cold, small, and grey
and I stood back from his bedside
my eyes still focused
on his shaking frame

Death hung heavy in the air that day
I could smell it on his skin
God was waiting
to take him home
but still he held on,
breathing and stopping
breathing and stopping

Life is strange sometimes
made even stranger by the reality
of death
of opening oneself
to the never ending abyss
to the ever after when the rainbow has passed

Goodbye, love
I'll be seeing you,
on the other side

I can,
wake up all by myself
clear the dust from my eyes
sometimes,

sometimes

I can,
pull the bottle down
and swallow the tiniest of pills
sometimes,

sometimes

But other times,
I can't wake up
or pull my head up for air

Instead I lay lifeless
and suffocate under the weight
of my comforter and my strangling sadness

Once,
I cried and screamed
begged and dreamed
for the ripping to be over
for my nightmare to end

But now,
that the pain has subsided
and my wounds have finally healed
I can't wait to again feel the blow
of a tormented, reeling heart

Because sadness is an excuse
to feel something
live and breathe
pumping within your chest

My hardened heart
was bloodied and torn
but at least it was there at all

Now inside my breast
I carry an empty steel box

an empty, dead
wretched thing
that never lived
or laughed
or  ever took a fall

Oh, what a fool I was,
to believe in fairytales
and happily ever afters

Oh, how terribly naive
to let you back in
through the revolving door,
such an easy way out

I guess I should've known you were lying
when you told me you cared
and looked away,
blinking twice
even your body
refused a lie so bold

I should have been weary
of that glassy stare
knowing all the while
that as you held me
you weren't really there

But oh darling, I was just a girl
in love with a boy
whose heart was cold and broken
and bred to destroy.

I stood,
with my feet in the sand
and my toes barely touching
the cool water that rushed in below

I felt,
cold because I knew you were close
could feel your sharp touch
at my back, on my pelvis
and I froze

You were a ghost,
a salty tongued devil,
and I
foolishly tried to make you live
gave you warmth
layed you on my *****
and tried to breathe life into your lungs

But my love,
we were doomed for failure
because pray as I did,
and try as I might,
once something dies
you can't make it live.