One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To make you cry
A deep empty achy cry
One that haunts your soul
And starts a dark sickness in your heart

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
To push you around
And make you feel weak
And low
Like a ***** little *****

One of these days
I’m going to be the one
Who makes you feel like nothing
Who takes everything you have
Who rips you apart
And turns your blue sky black

I’ll bring the storm
With heavy hail
Dense and merciless
It’ll break down your house
And I’ll laugh low and loud
Like thunder

I think I’ve lost it
That cloud of smoke that once settled
Deep inside me
Close to my heart and in the pit of my belly

I think it ran away and left me behind
Maybe it doesn’t like me anymore
Maybe I’m a different breed now
I’m “healed” so now I’m “healthy”
My cloudy smoke doesn’t like healthy
She likes it when it’s grey and empty
Nothingness so deep
I can feel it tingling in my feet and palms
It makes me sick

But god it’s so beautiful
The things that I can create from pain
The things I can say
When my belly trembles
And my hot breath forms a voice
That carries out my cries
But I’ve fallen silent

Instead my sadness just brings sleep
And the sun hides behind clouds
Sky is nothing but an endless wall of grey

I can’t dance in the rain
I don’t feel like screaming at the hot wind
I just become quiet
Immersed in my new being
This distant person
Who speaks with precision rather than wild crying
This woman who smiles instead of a girl who makes faces
Writes and reads
And has time to rise with the sun

I’m so bored with womanhood
I want to be free to run and play
Take time and feel god sitting beside me

I want to breathe and have it mean something
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a real person
With a real personality
Not just a professional who smiles

I have to be alone
And listen to my belly
And the smoking cloud that sets me free
The ones that burns up my heart crisp

It sings me to sleep
I let it take me every time
On the crest of a wave
It lulls me into loving bliss
She is my savior
I cling heavily to her voice
That moves through me and rocks me to my core
Please I plea on my knees
Take away this pain and make me clean
And she does
Just like she has
And she always will

I stumble in
Throw myself on the bed
And let my head sink into the pillow
She takes me away
To a place that’s green
Where I’m wearing white
And I can feel without hating
Run without falling

The moon sends light through my window
As she wraps herself around my
Tired, worn body
She presses me to her breast and I am whole
And I am safe
She is mine and I am forever hers
Lumen de lumine
Take me as I am and carry me to the light

Sometimes I forget to breathe
I forget that I am real
And not just living in make-believe
I’m here and on this earth
Stagnant, lying
In the up and in-between
Away from where you are
I can stay hidden, unseen

Sometimes I forget to open my eyes
I forget that I’m only dreaming
I wish that this life were only lies
And not the constant haunting I’ve been fearing
If I fall I won’t feel it
If I die I’ll be alright
Because I was never really living

I wish that my fantasy lasted forever
Went on and into infinity
But that’s a silly thing to want
For without pain we never feel
And with out boredom we never feel excitement
I grow impatient with wondering
If I’m really here at all
If I speak will any one even hear?

Sometimes I forget to breathe
If I do please shake me
I’d hate to die in your arms
Such a predictable way to go
Sometimes I forget to scream
When the pressure builds
When I feel sick and frightened
No, I’ll never forget what he did
But I’ll always forget to speak.

I want to ****
And fight
And live
In a world of green
In a big sea of blue

I want to be free today
Shake loose my chains
And ropes
And tassels
That bind me
And keep me quiet

I want a good day
One that will make my heart flutter
And evoke a sweet smile
Across my hardened cheeks

Come here boy
Lay with me
Let our bodies twist into one
Let the grass grow outside our window
The one that we alone share
Let the wind throw force at our door
The one that keeps the bad out
And lets the good in

I want that big life
The one they call The American Dream
So let the sun fill the sky today
Let’s march arm in arm
Towards the mecca
And into the promise land

Did I turn it ugly my dear
I felt the storm coming
I heard the thunder over our heads
The crashing torrents
So loud and angry
The sound piercing

I should’ve known I’d end it
I’ve never been much for sweet and simple
I can’t say goodbye without revenge
Hate is the only barrier
The only thing strong enough
The only wall tall enough
To keep my heart from yours

Is it all, my fault my dear?
Am I the mad-hatter?
In this twisted fairy tale?
Are there any truths to my tongue?
To my intricate web of lies
Woven from our love
And my from our damaging passion

I’m sorry I called for the clouds
Let you drown in the downpour
Gave you no shelter from my rain
I shot you with my lightening
I hope it set your soul ablaze
And woke up that soft spot
The one deep in your heart
Where I used to make my humble home.

We sat still on the moist concrete,
with our backs against her red saturn
Surrounded by the summer's heat,
smoking cigarettes

We held on to the smoke,
in our lungs
Breathing in deeply,
letting it out smoothly

We laughed and talked about all things,
mostly the stories of our mothers' youth
Comparing and contrasting it to our own

It didn't matter what the hour was,
or how much time we wasted sitting there
All life is, is wasted time
Even if nothing profound happened in our lives,
we would be content with it
Even the dullest moments,
when looking back seem great
Because they are ours,
and we keep them alive in our hearts,
by retelling them

When life is all a bunch of nothing,
then nothing in life matters
We can do whatever makes us smile,
and fills us with happiness

There are no certainties and no permanents
Everything changes,
but everything is nothing

This is not meant to upset you dear,
nothing is not a sad thing
Nothing keeps us content,
nothing sets us free,
and nothing can keep us apart.