Butterflies
My stomach jumping
And in knots
Shaking hands
Smiling like a clown
I must have been insane
To ever think
That happiness like that
Could ever really last

Do you believe in love my dear?
You know, the kind that rips you
From your seat
Onto your feet
The kind that makes you dance wildly
Smiling and laughing
Little girl sort of giggles
That make you feel young

Or the kind
That happens at first sight?
One look
One slow moment in time
When eyes meet
And familiar souls are awakened
To new beginnings
Blink and you missed it

Sometimes it makes me want to run
Or climb
Or jump and move mountains
Make rivers
Create the clear blue sky
That stretches onward
For you my love
And only you

Because you deserve these things
All of the goodness that life can offer us
May all of the gifts
And happy endings
Find their way to you
Because this my dear
Is your love song

Love isn’t for me
It’s dangerous to have
And even more menacing to keep
I am not meant for happiness
Not like that anyway
Man
Woman
Tongue in cheek
Tangled together like a **** pretzel
Whispering broken “I love you’s”
In between hot breathy moans
Belonging to someone else who actually deserves me
Is unheard of
That’s just too much goodness
And purity has never done me justice
I need pain to love myself
I have to feel real to create beauty
And to feel real I have to be present
The kind of presence you only feel after you’ve been down on the floor
Stepped on
Kicked at
And knocked aside
Covered in mud and self-loathing
Manic highs and chipper chirping only form a distraction
From the work that makes me proud
From this sickening seed grows the most beautiful flower
And only beauty is true
Anger is the spark to my creative flame
And hate keeps it burning

My love for you
Is the constant in my life
The empty shallow place
Between sleep and waking
Time and space
Is where you’ll find my heart
That’s where I keep your love

Touch me
And my throat dries
My legs shake
And I give in to your warmth
Your lungs and mine
Create one breath
One sweet sickness
One shared moment in time

I want to run to you, dear
In to your arms
Before I sink slowly
Perfectly
Into your heart

I forget you
Every time you leave my side
My mind rids its self of you
Of your touch
Your smell
And the hushed low love
You whisper into my ear

The sun is high and bright today
The grass an explosive yellow-green
Yet still I lie dreamily
Weightlessly
On an old red pillow
Stained with familiar tears

So what does it really mean to be like everyone else?
Do I get to check the boxes that they do?
I am happy all the time, check!
I can be alone without panicking, check!
I am completely normal; check, check!
Being normal is being in love
Being in love only counts when they love you back
That’s what they say
If it’s not returned then it’s not real
It never happened and what you feel is wrong
It’s pretend
Make believe
Like when you danced around the house in a crown and said you were a princess
But you were never a princess
Your crown was plastic
And when your brother stepped on it
It broke
And you cried
Because what you want can’t ever be real
But still you danced
Didn’t you?
Twirling under the big onward stretched sky
Giggling and knowing
That one-day when you were big enough
Your prince would come
But he never did, did he?
He got his dates confused and didn’t show up to your ball
So you stood there alone on the stairs
Stunned
With your naked foot in the air
Waiting for your glass slipper
**** your glass slipper
And **** prince charming
Hike up your dress and press your lips to the bottle
Turn your head to the sky
The one you used to smile at
And drink
Because this is what you’ve got
Honesty and intoxication
And when you’re honest you become real
You’re worth something again
If it’s not coming then don’t wait for it
Turn your back and run like hell
Leave your broken crown to whither in the dust

You drive me crazy boy
You make me want to be bad
You turn me into something
That’s dark and *****

Bite my lip and flip my hair
Slinking and slithering
Towards you like a snake
In the grass
Aching and yearning
For your touch
For a little taste

You make me scream inside
Start the rainstorm
And make me sweat and spin
I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your greatest Goddess

I’m Venus rising
Wanting you in me
On me
All over me
I’ll be nasty
Turn your nice into naughty

Own me
Make me yours
I’ll lose control and get lost in it
Come around and instead of ****
I become ***

Who are you little one?
Small boy who sits
At the edge of the bed
Voice so soft I can barely hear it
Where did you come from?
Beautiful and baby faced
But you kiss like a man
You lift me and pull me close
I can feel strength in you

Hold me small boy
Let me make you feel big
Like a man
A real machismo

Blonde and curly
Like golden rods
And you smell that way
I breathe you in
And I can feel
Summer’s warm embrace
Endless life and endless green

Tell me boy would you turn away
If I became weak and timid
Like a feral cat?
Would you dance along beside me?
As I spin wildly on
Smiling big smiles
Screaming like a wicked *****
Beautiful and free

If I’m moving this way
Would you follow closely behind?
Or run off when my back is turned?
Tell me my little one
Hold me close
And strong
Don’t break the barrier
That you’ve created around me
Just tell me with your quiet voice
Like rustling branches
That you’ll stand behind me

I must let go today
And be healed
If not for me
Than for my body
That aches and twists with pain
Whenever his face makes an appearance
In my sick mind

Like a ghost he haunts me
Makes me sick and makes me cry
Memories mar my mind
They smack me with pain
And kick me with regret
So I run to your bed
Just to hold you
Just to feel your breath
I use you as a replacement
As my escapism
Because I can’t face
My own face
My reflection in the mirror
That stares back at me
Hauntingly
Accusingly
Because she and I know
What I could’ve stopped

So I bury my eyes
In the warmest part of your chest
And pretend to be anyone
Someone who is not me
A girl detached
A girl who isn’t scarred
I breathe in your smell
And realize
That no I can’t stay here forever
Today I need to let go