I thought about you yesterday.
my thought became completely black, and unpure.
i ******* hate you.
i hate the fact you took my innocence away.
i hate the fact you're all i can think about.
i hate the fact that i still cant sleep because the tears are keeping me awake.
i hate the fact i fell for you.
i hate the fact i loved you so much i would have given you anything and everything.
there was no limits, nothing would stop me from loving you.
but then you broke it, you ******* broke my chest into a million pieces.
i ******* hate everything you are now.
everything you've become.
*******.
i'm done.

Well sir !
Today we have, the usual, suicidal ******, paranoid drug addicts, skitzophrenic ******* that'll slice your neck open in a split second.
All the things you'd find in a mental institution.
Theres no place like home !
Walking these halls in my robe, and slippers.
You see darling, im not insane, they just think i am because well, im all of the above, ahahaha.
I didnt mean to **** that boy.
But ! He did say he loved me.
Who the **** would say that.
Filthy little liars.
He made it so ******* easy though.
But i did mean to **** him.
I didnt.
I did.
I didnt.
I did.
YOU'LL NEVER ******* KNOW.
There was this one day, they locked me up so tight, it left bruises on my ****** skin.
Oh **** !
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Do you hear that ?
What did the second one say ?
Well ******* too Elvis !
He wishes.
Ah, ****.
Scars are showing again.
Oooh,theres a mirror in this room.
smash.
''Nurse !, Lunas done it again !''
****** Luna they called me in school.
But i killed them too.
Anyway, i sat there with a broken piece of mirror in my hands and carved pretty little pictures into myself.
But, i needed stitches.
Yay the doctor !
He makes me feel good, inside.
Probably because he ***** me so hard it leaves me pleasure until the next time i break a mirror.
He's older.
42 to be exact.
Im 15.
Isnt it cute.
His wife doesnt know.
Or his daughter, i went to school with that dog.
She was the first one i got rid of.
Cheerio.

He moves so eligantly.
Gentley sliding her blood stained jeans to the floor.
He kisses her so softly, in places boys never kissed her before.
She closes her eyes to hide the fact shes falling, the harder, and the deeper he moves inside her, the harder and deeper she falls.
She hates her body, so she always tells him to switch of the lights.
Its better that way anyway, you can feel every slight brush of skin against another, every grasp seems to be more intence.
Shes waiting, waiting for you to give in.
So as soon as their all finished and done.
She can lay there, and completely hate herself.
Right until you come and hold her so tightly, so its almost as if his arms, make the scars fade away.
Dont leave her, please dont leave her.
She loves you.
Baby please dont go.

So i now realise that its 4:03 in the morning, and im not suffering in the slightest.
So many thoughts are racing through my head.
Maybe i shouldnt of drank that much.
Maybe i shouldnt of smoked that ****.
Im 15 for christs sakes.
If i was seeing other girls doing this idiotic ****, i'd be looking down of them so far, i'd be peering into their souls, and their excuses for doing the inhuman things they do.
I dont have an excuse.
I do things for the hell of it.
Simply because it blocks out all the jocks, indies, nerds, and everyone inbetween.
**** it, i'll run away.
Please run away with me.
****, i must be delusional.
It is 4:10 after all.

i love you.
i do, really.
i never cheated.
i couldnt.
not to you.
all those rumours.
they're killing me.

im sorry.
im so sorry.
sorry im a little insane.
a little secretive.
im sorry im so confusing.
im sorry im so completely ****** in the head.
i dont tell you most of the things that go on.
especially in my head.

im afraid.
i hope i've made it clear that i completely adore you.
i cant imaagine the rest of my life without you.

im sorry im tieing you down.
im sorry im not good enough.
we both know im not.
im sorry im not pretty, or funny like most of the other girls you could be chasing.
im sorry its me you have to love.
xoxo.

alcohol.
saves her, so she thinks.
truth is,
it makes her beat her childern.
throw them up against walls.
spit in their faces.
call them names.
scar their minds forever.
the bruises.
broken ribs.
shes pretty decent most of the time, days and nights.
I hate my mother.
not really, i hate the fact that she drinks.
but its alright, its only sometimes she gets that way.
oh well, two more years and im out of there.
love you mum.

i need get out.
im over this.
i cant hadle it.
muted angels.
raging demons.
they've taken over.
i cant control  anything anymore.
turning all the good hearts away.
being dragged down.
my souls rotten.
everythings a blur.
im just drifting by.
headphones in, makes everything seem like a movie.
like lifes got a soundtrack.
but its a lie.
everythings a lie.
the smiles, the smirks.
it felt so crystal.
i cant get out.
its consumed me.
those thoughts.
they're becoming reality.
let me out of my head.

My Madeline, my dear.
Forever was made inn the image of us.
I love you.
Your everything.
Sinners and saints.
Bad and good.
Were leaning more towards the worst side of things.
But it suits us.
We are each other.
Your me and im you.
No plain days.
No bordem.
Nothings ever dull.
But the truth is i hate you.
I hate you so much for being so much better then me.
At everything.
I love it though.
I love the fact i know i'll never live up to ever be as good as you.
I might be telling lies.
But i do love you.
Darling i love you.

Burn it.
Burn it all to the ground.
I hate it, burn it.
Burn it untill nothing's left.
Tourch it, burn it.
Set fire to it, burn it.
All these memories, burn them.
This is not a home, burn it.
Its not stable, burn it.
Dont make me stay here, burn it.
I dont need it, burn it.
Burn this ****** to the ground.
**** it, burn it.

Monsters.
They're everywhere.
Everytime i close my eyes, they're population increases.
Its you, your the one i see when my eyes are closed.
You're the monster.
You never used to be like this.
You used to be perfect and innocent.
But everything changed.
You've ****** me over.
And over
Im becoming like you.
Im being dragged into this black hole thats taken on the image of your heart.
Im a monster.
Im just like you.

I've had enough.
i cant take this anymore, everythings ******.
everyones staring, judging me because i've decided to dress different,
act different, be the person that i want to be.

**** them.
**** everyone,
but most of all *******.
eveyone can just get ******.

i dont need you, you sure as hell dont need me.
so lets just stay out of each others way.
i wont bother you if you dont bother me.
just leave me the **** alone.

she's smoking again.
shes trying to tear herself apart from the inside.
staring with her lungs, then she'll move on to her liver.
drownding herself in alcohol.
her brain is next, killing herself with all these thoughts
but her heart, you've already taken care of that.
you've already beaten, scared and bruised her.
you've already killed her.
you've alredy destroyed her.

truth is,
i love you.
i love the fact that your completely ****** up,
because i can relate.
truth is, everytime i tell you to go off and find someone better,
it kills me, because im so scared you will.
your everything.
theres no one better than you.

to be honest,
i think i've fallen.
fallen into the thought of being inlove with you.
it scares me that you know whats going on.
all the things i've told you.
all the things i've said, running through my head, over and over.
im so ******* scared you'll leave me, the go blabbering to everyone about how ****** i actually am.
you'll say that im acting or something.

i love you.
i do.
and i know it sounds stupid.
but i need you.
i need you to keep me sane.

Marry me,
marry my sins.

love me,
love my pain.

take care of me,
clean up the blood,
after i spend hours and hours, cutting myself.

help me,
help me to forgive myself for the things i've done.

endure me,
endure my insecurities.

how can i ask you to do such things.
you cant marry me, its impossible.
you cant love me, its impossibe.
you cant take care of me, its impossibe.
you cant help me, its impossible.
you can ******* endure me, ITS IMPOSSIBLE !
IM impossible.
every thought that runs through me ****** up mind,
IS. IMPOSSIBE.
im sorry, im sorry YOU cant love ME.
im sorry im impossible.

yesterday, i heard her voice for the first time that i have in ages.
it shocked me that the words she was saying, were directed at me.
i stuttered as i replied, so confused my mind spinning, thinking that maybe things might go back to the way it used to be.
but when i turned and smiled at her, she just glanced at me then twisted her quirky head in the opposite direction,
things are different, we are different.
we used to sneak out and go to the beach, but now that place is just a memory.
i just want things to be the way it used to be, everythings changed.
you've become silent, an outcast.
im doing whatever i can, just to fit in.
truth is, i'd rather be with you, walking this school together, even though before we didnt really speak here.
it was always afterwards, at night, and those glorious weekends we'd spend together.
i miss you.
we used to be so close,
you used to tell me everything, and in return, i'd unload all my fears and secrets onto you.
all the letters, the gifts, they're nothing now, well to you they're not.
to me they're everything.
i remember when we were close.

shes disappearing.
falling into a hole, a hole of herself.
she doesnt know what to do anymore.
shes changed.
for worse, its not a good change,
she's become addicted,
addicted to hating herself, cutting herself.
shes not enough for you, she never was.
she doesnt know who she is.
the truth will always be a lie.
shes lieing so you'll believe shes okay.
but shes not.
shes got no moral conduct, whats so ever.
everything shes saying, its so untrue.
she has so many scars, on her wrists, legs arms.
she just wishes they'll leave.
just like you did.
she dreams about you, all the time she does.
but the memories are fading.
just leave her be.
you stopped caring about her the moment you left her on the floor, drowning in her own tears,
her own thoughts, her own blood.
just leave her be.

follow the light.
Look into it.
Soon it will comfort you.
Soon it'll make you okay.
Soon you'll be blinded by it.
Blinded so you cant see your blood.
So you cant see your scars.
So you cant see the blade in your hands.
So all the people that have ****** you up, will disappear.
So that you, will disappear.
Follow the light.

.

have you ever felt like lifes just, hazy ?
made up of games and tricks.
have you ever felt like loves just, concreate ?
impossible to break through.

enough of your mess.
enough of your lies.
enough of your ****.
i've had enough.
enough of you.

i threw away my heart.
tore down my walls.
gave myself completely.
just to be with you.

its never enough.
im not enough.

that light,
the light that shines through her.
shes so strong.
shes lost something so close to her.
shes so strong.
always there.
shes so strong.
all the tears.
shes so strong.
all the pain.
she so strong.
i need her.
shes so strong.
i love her.
shes so strong.
that smile.
those eyes.
that happiness.
shes so strong.,


jadelouise.

they come in all different shapes and sizes.
Some are deeper, thicker.
They release emotions.
Art, made from your own blood.

Blades, knives, scissors.
So many paint brushes.
Legs, arms, wrists.
So many canvases.

Pain soon becomes release.
Its a silent addiction.
No need to brag.

they write about her im the toilets.
they call her a ****.
they mock her.
they make her hate herself.
everything she is, everthing shes become.
its their fault.

she crys herself to sleep at night.
wishing she could change.
wishing the scars would fade.

wishing she could fade.
wishing she hadnt done the things she things she had.

wishing.
wishing.
wishing.

just wishing she would die.

she weaps.
she crumbles.
she falls.

she didnt fall, she jumped.
because she thought you'd catch her.
you told her you would, you told her you'd be there.
you lied.
she trusted you.
she but all her faith in you.
she put everything in you.
her heart,
her soul,
everything.

shes nothing to you.
nothing to anyone,
nothing.

im so confused,
i dont know what to do.
im losing who i am.
you've changed.
i hate it.

im doing what ever i can to lead you into the dark.
because im so scared.
i dont want to be there alone.
when im with you, everythings better.

its like your the light, im the darkness.
you make everything good and happy.
i just **** everything up.

you dont need me, but i need you.
i need you to keep me sane.
i think your only still with me because if you leave,
your afraid i'll do something stupid.

the truth is, i probably would.
everythings black and white,
but your heart is the fondest colour of red.
and mines placed at your feet, rotting and black.
but your bringing the life back into it.

i need you.

these days its not that hard.
but i hate you so much.
i hate you for having everything.
pretending like you cared.
you had me.
then you threw me out.
i put my heart in your hands.
you sat at your table with your knife and fork, and ate it.
until there was nothing left
i hate you.
i hate you for leaving.
i hate you for being okay, after everything.
your still okay.
its like nthing happend.
your so **** for being better then me.

They're telling me to stop.
stop breathing.
stop thinking.
stop thinking im okay.

They're telling me to start.
start cutting.
start bruising.
start thinking bad thoughts.
start locking myself up inside.

i look around,
theres no one there.
who are they ?
why are they doing this to me.
its like im bound.
bound in my mind.
i think 'they' might be 'me'
i dont want to come to reality.
i dont want to know that its actually me causing all this pain.

i hear voices when theres no one around.

there are no words that can describe how grusomely descusting you are dear.
your head is what some might call, unbareable.
just the thought of you is enough to progectile *****.

the things you've done.
the pain you've created.
its enough to lock you away for years.
no one actually wants you around here.
everyones pretending.

you dont understand the thoughts we think when your name is mentioned.
and honestly darling.
you wouldnt be happy if you could.

so thankyou.
thankyou for ******* breathing you silly little ****.

They're all staing at you.
expecting you to do something entertaining.
who ever said to be conforemed.
dont listen to their voices.

we are not the animals.
we will not be spoon fed.
we will not give in to your profanity.
your violence.
your dreams.

we will not give into you.
you can not lock us up in a cage.
you can not pay us with food.
expect us to do things that will excite you.
the food will not stay down.
neither will we.

if we were the animals in a zoo.
you would be content with your mind.

hes alway there.
when ever im in pain.
one the of same
hes there to remind me to breathe.

I think hes beautiful, but he doesnt believe me.
i wish i know wht he actually thought of me.
if i was a wasste of time, space or breath.
or if i had the same effect on him thst he does on me.

i feel his pain.
i feel his heart, beating in her hands.
he loves her.

but yet again.
he reminds me how to breathe.

Shes so incredably ******.
every thought.
every breath.
shes a slave of her own mind.
a prisoner of her thoughts.

shes not okay.
you ****** her over.
she loved you, and to you,
that didnt mean a thing.

shes my bestfriend.
but its more then that.
shes my soul.
she understands me.

she believes my pain,
she endures my thoughts.
she puts up with me.

and for that, i love her.
i need her to stay in this hell with me.
everything is for her.

she breathes to make you believe shes okay,
inside shes bleeding,
looking for answers in you,
you make her feel theres purpose,
your making her stay here.

why was she born ?
why is she here ?
for you.
its why shes stopped slitting herself.
its you.
your making the scars fade.

none of it matters anymore.
because shes gone.
shes lost herself in you.