Looking back at photos of me looking happy
A nice slim figure
No extra weight to carry
No face to be ashamed of

I have a house with no mirrors
Because I get disgusted by myself
When I happen to see a glare in a window
I only feel tears

"I'll call you sometime," he says as leaves.
That will never happen, ive so many times learned
He looked repulsed when he saw me
And my stomach just turned

Even my family feels hopeless
That one day I'll look lean
Around the table aouside we relaxed.
Later They hint I'm too fat
On my fat giant ***, the chair too small where I sat

Diets and cleanses
Jogging and biking is pointless
As fat just seems to add
I just get more sad


Nobody knows in the dressing room I cry
After rejection I sob
After a meal I feel guilty
When I breathe and I live
It seems so silly

But maybe one day I'll be happy and skinny
I won't be alone, eating won't feel like I'm sinning
So the mirrors that I threw out
The pants that are huge
The face disgustingly ugly
The way I look, I have no excuse.

You have no idea
What its like to be ****** by you
Call and tell you to get over here now
Walk on the door I take a bow

Feelin' me up and kissing me right
You tell me how hot I am and that I'm so tight
His **** is like a tower
And  I'd **** him for hours

Explicit content? Oh yes
You might be offended
Gasp with your hand on your chest
You've never felt it, that way
When you bend over and he hopes his hot body will forever will stay

Hard and rough
I like it that way
Take control, take charge
His  **** gets so ******* hard

He grunts as he ****
Deep inside me
So euphoric I feel, I can't even see

Please stay, don't go
I think to myself
He smiles and through the door he will pass
He'll be back tomorrow, slapping my ***

You cheating *******
You are lower than low
You make me want to *****
Go be with that ***** **

Your **** is the alpha dog
And your hearts on a leash
Go stick it between her filthy legs
You lying ******* cheat

You thought you were sly
But you must've just been ****** high
To think that your infidelity would just slip by

She's not a success
She's not a strong woman
She's a mistress, a ****, a ***** and a *****
Family wrecker, ****, I could name a lot more

So go let your **** lead you
Its small so be careful
Your gross ***** hair
That ****, she'll get a mouthful.

We met at my work
I helped him with leashes
We locked eyes for a second
And before I knew it a date was planned

A coffee and a large ice tea
We sat down and said he really liked me
Sipped our drinks and drove away after
"You have dogs too? I'd really like to see".

We went in my house and I called the pups
They jumped on him and and played
But he didn't pay attention
He was only looking at me.

He kissed me slowly, he saw my bedroom door open
Kept guiding me back and it took on a moment
For me to reach the unmade bed
Um what's going on? I thought in my head

Next thing I knew he was on top
I laid there, confused, did I lead him on?
I told him, hey there buddy no time for this now"
I don't feel comfortable, just get down"

He pinned me to the bed as if I were kidding
He smirked and kissed my neck
I told him to stop
He kept saying "you know you want it"...but I did not

I kicked my legs as he touched me
I kept saying the word "no"
But he just continued like I was silent
It started to get violent

I screamed as loud as I could "STOP NOW"
He got up and I ran outside with my phone
Screamed that he needed to get out of my home

He strolled to his car without saying a word
Off he drove and I fell to my knees and cried
Dialed my friend as said "remember that guy?
Its not good, come get me"
My mind racing inside

I see every week the bread truck he drives
The place that I work he delivers to close by

When I see the logo on the side my body feels
Weak
My heart starts racing
My throat closes up
My body starts shaking
Its just too much

Rolling my eyes I wait for the automatic doors to open
Walk in to the hellish stench of dog food and bedding
Walking to the back seeing the dribbles of **** left by a curious canine

I roll my eyes when the broken lock gives me trouble
Maybe its a sign I should just leave now
Enter to the ***** that thinks she's top dog
Talking loud and acting like she's the ****,

Speaking to people who are idiots
The area is full of rich trust fund babies
Who are of course better than me, they think
Im a sad cashier
Does this thing even work? As they slide their worn card
I just roll my eyes

Getting in trouble for talking, and breathing, and stepping in the wrong direction
When I hear my name on the intercom
I just roll my eyes

Soon I'll be above you
Smirking as you greet me
And all you stagnant *******
Will roll their eyes when they see me

The clock said five twenty two
When the knife came out of the drawer
A girl who thought she was ahead
Suddenly found herself in the only dark space in the world

"It will never get better," she though
Nobody could ever forgive or forget
Even her own soul was ashamed
There was nothing left to live for

The dull worn down knife made a tiny sliver
And then a single drop of blood dripped down
The once off-white carpet seemed soaked from the one tiny drop

From the moment she sat in front of her bed
With a note that said "I'm sorry"
When the pen hit the floor, it seemed like every breath lasted an eternity
Her Mind spinning
Her body floating

It must have been the years of sitting in the back of the drawer
That made the knife unable to end her
Or the stars wanted to keep her
Or her tired soul wanted to save her

It took forever to get back her smile
To feel wanted to needed
And cherished and loved

The lonely girl
Wakes up to sunshine
But doesn't see a face
Laying beside her

She longs for love again
When will she find it again
Trying and trying
The race has no end

The lonely girl
Sees a beautiful peony along her walk
She picks it and smells it
Hoping she doesn't have to pick her own flowers
The rest of her life

The lonely girl comes home
A day that was rough
All she want is a love
To be waiting for her touch

The lonely girl opens
Her door that gets stuck
And walks into darkness
Reaching for the lamp, she stumbles about

The lonely girl climbs into bed late at night
A love to lay next to seems completely out of sight
"I hope that he's out there," she says to the stars
And falls asleep lonely, maybe tomorrow she'll feel right.

Dear Grammy
You are my everything
You make me smile
To be with you, I'd walk a million miles

The thought or your stew
Makes my stomach growl
Your warmth in the kitchen
Makes everyone run to the table

The thought of your embrace
I feel happy and high

The way your smile
Light up my life
I'm sad that your memory of me
Is no longer in sight

"What's your name?", you ask.
"I'm your granddaughter", I say.
Tear stream from my face
As I hide far away.
I come back, sit next to you
And your smiles astray.

I miss your fond memories
Of me and you dancing
Of us making dinner
Of us simply driving.

I know you can't remember the words that I say
But for you dear grandma
In your heart I will always stay

My heart went dry
After the first tear I shed
When you told me you were done
There's someone else, instead

My stomach is bruised
From the punches it took
When you said that you don't love me
And gave me that harsh and cold look

My mind is hollow
From the thought of you gone
Why do you hate me?
What did I do wrong?

My hands are tied tight
And will never again touch your face
I thought the words "I love you"
Would follow with a forever embrace

My whole being feels defeated
By the sight of you leaving
The exiting footprints you left
My heart has stopped beating

*****
You're not a mom
Your the being that birthed us
What you have done is so wrong

You left us in the dust like we didn't exist
We were just tiny pebbles to you
amongst canyons and mountains

The beaming bright face that only good can see
The beautiful little girl , cared for she'll forever be
She will never call you grandma
She will never feel your warmth
She only knows love
You could know her, but your soul fell short.


How could you leave the three souls
That once thought you were the world
I never want to see you again
Even if you are weeping at my feet
Your invisible love is a speck of dirt now

So stay with the ones who did no wrong
Who are never to blame
Who sing their own song

The three stand together with hands locked
Ready to conquer the world
Remember those beings you held so tight
******* *****
Those tiny pebbles shine bright

He brought you to me that evening
He woke me from my sleep
"I have a surprise!", he said
Turned the light on, my eyes stung from the sudden brightness.

A little red plastic basket you sat
With handles on both sides
A yellow ribbon around your neck
So cute that I cried

I think of you every day
You filled my heart and soul with love and smiles
But a churning fire brews around it, leaving scars that will never go away

Its all my fault
That you are gone
I wish I would have tried harder

You snored so loud
You ate all the cat food
You pooped in the bedroom
And had a cute little attitude

Your tag is the jingle I hear on my keychain
I feel your heart with me at night
snuggled under the blankets with me and holding you tight

I love you my boo boo
Forever and more

All of the loveliest dance in a
perfect circle bright and beaming

In the dark shadow beneath it, a jagged line which is me
That has a life with no meaning

A hero, a mother, a rock and a star shine bright
Past, present, future all signs point to right

A lonely stray cloud that is me.
Never fit the mold
Or came out on top.
A life that is cold.


Worthless, pathetic, and sad
Are the words that are me.
I have only heard thunder
No piercing bright sunbeam they will see.

Amongst the words spoken
Happy, proud and strong
The jagged line only hears
Sad, hopeless and weak
No longing for better
A life that went wrong

Is it pointless to try?
Is it crucial to stay?
Is it worth trying harder?
Is  there a reason for another day?

The perfect circle has no room
For a lonely sad face
I am only darkness
A waste of space.

~ * ~


I Have recently found friendship with someone who has experienced much of what I have.
An artist whose powerful expressions inspired me to finally break the cord of what my heart and mind were tied with.
Thank you Sierra!