A bit sadistic
I have become
Pain is sweet when you've gone a little numb

A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down
The wind's touch on my skin is making your jabs slow down

Like pokes
Slow pokes

Almost feels like a massage
This mirage
I paint

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I take it in
This gut pinch
This heart clinch
This throat itch

And the tears that hydrate my eyes
Wiping it all over my face let the salt purify my skin and sink in

And the annoying honks in the crowded street start creating a beat
I've seen this before yet I take a seat

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I sense the ache like it's in the air
I roll my thumb and my index finger together
Like I'm giving it a taste

I shiver
But is it the blowing wind
Or is it cause I'm scared ?

Scared to admit
I'm hurt
Scared to admit
I'm rejected
Scared to admit
You did it

I care about you too much that I wont allow u to do this.

But whatever
I dont care get dressed whatever
Cause it out of my control
How you feel and your soul

So I deny myself
To keep you near
I deny my hurt
And detach my fears


I wont let you hurt me
Cause, Love.
I dont want to Hate you.

So I criminalize my feelings
And put it in a cuff

I feel it in the air
I sense it between my fingers
Or is it between my bones ..?

I dont know if I love you
Cause I wouldnt dare ..

But this ache is too familiar now
Its like it's always been there

I wish I can set it free
And cry
Instead of this already solved mystery
Of truth and self-lies
Of this numbed ache

I wish I could be with you
I wish I could take being without you
I wish I could admit that I love you

But, Love.
But I wouldnt dare..

The sun rises and coffee drips
I sip the bitter sweet blackness and think
I light a cigarette and I sink
Into another day another show.

Put on the mask and let go
Cause the real me can't survive
But no matter how much I hide it the real me shows.

I think of the world, the pain the suffering the wars.
I think of my friends and try to put a smile on
I think of my family and its cover me in emotions of a sad but sweet song.

I think of anyone to get my day on
But no one sparks me up and no I'm not in love.
And I'm not sure if that might ever happen
If I'm stuck in the state they call "madness"
Existential questions constantly on my mind
Why are we here, and does god really mind
My "sins" and how deep can we fall
And it seems like my life is on thin ice .

And I recall my dreams that are so vivid every night.
And I mix them with reality, painting an abstract painting in my mind.
Coding myself more, as meaning is held in complexity.
Or so I heard once said to me.

I sip my coffee and I think.
I used to write meaning and now its this thing.
Whatever you may call this.

I want to go after my dreams but my dreams aren't ever pretty
They're complicated and ******
And myself is nothing but this whole universe in disguise
In this case I call mine
And that makes everything matter and nothing matter

Coffee is my favorite drink
I dont do juices and other things
Just coffee or water
Black or white
Nothing inbetween

And so my mornings begin

Like a veil has been lifted
Or has it been put on?

The world seems nothing like it did before.

And my words come out just to fill a hole.

I feel emotions by trying to remember how they felt like.

I copy the motions and expressions in hopes that it will bring back.

What once felt like being "alive".

I quite the voices in my head telling me it's a lie.

That my memories are an illusion, giving me hope that never existed.

And it was and all is just a fabrication of my mind.

It's coming.
Like rain on a cloudy day.
Like dancing and a rush comes through your veins.
Like a fast car driving your way.

What you want is coming.
So dont run from it
And dont run for it.

It's coming.

Be
Just Be

That is all there is and all there will be.

Infinity sign crossing over like a million webs
Sown together in a complete blissful mess

That is all there is and all there will be.

This.
You
And
Me

The sky feels like it's drawn on
Like a ceiling has that has been put on
My skin feels like it's been sown together
And my life's events feel like they're looping in a loop of forever.

Once your eyes have been opened
It's hard to go back
It's hard not to go mad
And the hardest thing is to dive in deeper
In meaning.

So just be
That is all there is and all there will be.

Just be.

That is my advice from you to me.
From me to you.
It's doesn't differ, really.

Cause this is all there is and all there will be.

So, just be.

Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers
Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers

Quick sand oh its funny how they think they can stand
On quick sand

And what happens when you sleep at night
Do you feel like you've won the fight
And what happens when 95% of your brain is playing games
Chess and fight mode
Is the 5% gone insane
Or is it just plain
And its killing you
Or there so much going on and you dont know how to deal with the pain
How to handle it
And so you handle it
Like a soldier
A soldier of *******

They wrote it down
They told you
This is how life works
So now you cant even hope
And now you fight the fight you've been told to fight
Now you're a soldier
Ya your a soldier
Ya your a soldier
A soldier of *******

And now your a recruiter
And you want to recruit me
But I am a nomad
And I dont get mad
And I dont mind bei g sad
And I am  human
Human

Oh just show me why
Show me all.of.it
A new found confidence in myself
Cause I know I dont wanna be you .
Ask me how my self is
I'll tell you I've learned to be selfish
I dont want to fight
I dont want to be right
Time is ticking
And all I want in connections