i sat in class today
and thought about
walking you home
because of all those days
that you walked me
in the brutal harsh
winter weather
and left me at my front door
watching as you walked away

and then the sadness hits me
hits me hard in the chest
and my heart drops
and i feel the need to cry

i suppose it's in the want
to hurt you voluntarily
when you walked me home
out of kindness -
with no knowledge that
i'd hurt watching you walk away

but i guess, all i hope for
is that you have that
unanswered feeling of sorrow
as you watch me walk away
in hopes that you feel for me
what i feel for you

it's interesting how the lull
of someone's deep breathing
as they fall fast asleep
can emulate this serenity
and rush of calmness
that flows over the body
and leaves me wishing
for nothing more than
to be there right next to him
instead of twenty two
hundred miles away
a distance that multiplies
when remembered through
a screen

i don't know what to do
with myself.

i sit, i stare,
and i wait
for something i know
will never happen
because he-
because you-
you gave up on me
and trying to believe
that even a friendship
could exist between us

i sit and i stare
at your name on my screen
as if your presence was
radiating off of
simple letters used to
identify yourself
and i hesitate-

i sit and stare
as my mouse skims
your name
and goes to another part
of the page
because i don't
know you well enough
anymore to start a conversation

i sit - stare - wonder
if one day i will not feel
like such a bother to you
whenever we exchange words

but until then,
i think i will
sit and stare
and wonder

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

I hate how you came
I hate how you left me
I hate how you change me
I hate how you changed
I hate that you always use to talk to me
I hate how you stopped talking to me
I hate how you convinced me to let you walk me home
I hate how you wormed your way into my life
I hate how much I trusted you
I hate how much I love you
I hate how much I think of you

But I hate me most
I hate me for still loving you
I hate me for still thinking of you
I hate me for not being able to let you go

I hate it.

Because you make me feel like **dirt

Every night I lay in bed and
Right before I fall asleep
I wonder what
Caused us to become
Such great friends
Over a short amount of time- but
Nothing hurts more than the
Harsh reality that
Unfolded and reminds me that
After all the time
Not one thing
Gave you a reason to stay

I spend sinful nights
Thinking of you
Because I know it's wrong
When I have someone waiting
On me

But it's hard you know
To forget your first
That gave you so much
To remember them by

You're like my second
Star to the right
My lost boy who's so
So childish
Yet somehow
So mature.

But I think it's just
Wishful thinking
When I wonder if
I pop into your head
When you're trying to sleep
Like you do for me

Just so wishful because
I just really wanted to be
Your best friend
And maybe even
Something more


They say people who are meant
To be together
Will eventually
Be together but then again
That's just some
Wishful thinking

Back in those December days
Evening winds would chill the
Air that always left me numb
Unless, of course, you were
There in my company

In such cold times, you
Found a word to
Use so frequent, it was
Like your name for me

the way you left
reminded me of how
i fall asleep at night
the presence slowly dawns
on me
and by the time i
realize what was
happening…
you were already gone -
quickly and without a trace
like the sleep that drags
me from reality

if it weren’t for
the messages on my phone
or the picture in my hand
the line i drew between
real life and
make believe
would be placed
when you and i met

tell me the secrets
hidden behind the moon,
like how it can
[ take ] shape and
transform itself,
and how it deceives [ me ]
because it is always
[ somewhere ] in the sky-
just [ far ] too dim to
outshine the radiance
that comes from
so far [ away ] -
it lies there waiting
for a moment [ to shine ]
in the darkness of the sky

You made a wish
And you told me a secret
That forever changed us.
Then life happened
And you made another wish,
To know me better.
But the thing about wishes
Is that they never come true.

You were the wisher
And the thing about wishes
Is that when you wish on emotions
Everything goes wrong,
And then the magic goes away.
The thing about wishes
Is that you have to give something up
To make these wishes come true.

You were the wisher
And I was a dreamer,
And the difference between us
Is that that dreaming is believing
And wishing is wanting.
Dreams are for the mind,
And wishes are for greed.

I am a dreamer with an imagination
You are a wisher with needs,
I could never fulfill

I am a dreamer
Who's dreams
Didn't need a guy like you

i am much
like the moon
over a quiet city with a light
very dim but still
ever so slightly radiant
yet nothing compared to what
oversees the busy city that bathes
underneath the brightest light
they have known -
other lights shine brighter than the moon
not much outshines the sun, but
you can still see the moon against the blue

someone once told me that love
was all sparks and fireworks -
that electric look in his eyes
when he catches yours with his

but when he held my hand
it was not engulfed with flames
and when he put his arms around me
there were no butterflies
then he'd smile at me
and my heart rate stayed the same

though-
he'd have me blushing
with his sweet words
smiling at his childish ways
and looking away with every question
who's answer i felt could change everything

when they told me about love
they talked about how he'd hold me
never about how the things he would say
and the way he'd do the things he do
would make me fall in love
with his very being

here's to being honest
on how a broken heart works

it's two in the morning
and all my thoughts turn to
the only boy i ever
fell in love with

and even though I
have somone waiting
on me

my thoughts turn to my
first love
who never loved me
like i wanted him to

gave me so much
to remember him by

and taught me so much
like how to love
even when love won't work

and here's to all the things
we managed in half a year-

to that late night call  that left me
drifting off to the lull of
soft snores and rustlinG blankets
and the muRmurs whispered in the morning
as if fEll in an out of sleep-

each daY greeTed witH good morning texts
And finding somethiNg to fill the days with
like intrusive attacKs during pasSing periods
and casual hoodie stealing

to late after noons filled with nothing
but questions and learning
FavORite colours and nicknames
inside jokes and late night drinks

every day ending with The struggle
to keep up witH a night owl
and a good night tExt …

moments weren't made to last
but MEMORIES were
and here's to the ones
i'll always remember

It's five am
And I still remember
That night we stayed up
Asking each other questions
About shoe sizes
And those spaces in our hearts
And whether or not they were
Filled, empty or hurting

I can still remember all
Those times I hugged you
And I swear that even now
I've hugged you more than
Anyone else this year

It's five twenty
And I remember
Those hour long Skype calls
We would have even though
Both of us are silent
And never have much to say

I remember all those times
We'd argue about our opinions
And even though they were
So very different
Yours made me happy

And I can remember
All those times I felt sad
Yet you were able to make me
Feel so happy
Like all those hearts
You left in my mailbox

I remember that time
You tricked me into going home
With this panda bear
That will forever keep
Since you talked me into
Keeping him.

It's five twenty five
And I remember all those times
I looked forward to walking home
Cause you walked home with me
Even though it was cold

I remember
How I'd make you worry
And I'm very sorry for that
And I'm sorry that there were
Things I could never bring
Myself to tell you no matter
How hard I tried.
But I'm only so courageous
So I've always talked in
Questions and puzzles.

It's five thirty
And I remembered this
And so much more
And I will for a long time
Because you gave me so
So much to remember
You by.

I'll remember how you were
The first boy I ever let so
Close to my heart.
You were the first boy
I actually ever
Really let myself fall for
And no girl can ever
Forget that.

Especially a hopeless
Romantic
Like me.

Thank you for everything
You gave me to remember
You by.
I hope I at least gave you something
To remember me by

here's a list
of my favorites
i put together
just for you

( a collection
of songs
i've had on
r e p e a t
in my mind )

in hopes you’ll
find pieces of me
in the lyrics
i quote from
time to time

from love songs
to sad songs -
i  hope they
remind you of
s o m e o n e

Is love the cancer
or the cure?

Is it a drug
with a heartbeat?
Something like an antidepressant
when times get hard,
Nothing but a placebo
for the boredom,
A tranquillizer
that makes life bearable?

Or is it nothing more
than a poison
that courses through my veins?
Something sweet turned to venom
when things go wrong,
nothing but a toxin
that breaks me from the inside,
An anesthetic
with a bitter after effect?

Sugar isn't always sweet.
is love the drug
or the poison?
And is there a vaccine to save me
or an antidote to fix me?

every autumn i watch
the leaves [ fall ] ;
i watch them
spin and twirl
and softly touch the
ground [ in ]
an act of grace
by mother  nature.
i watch them turn
to flames -
shades of red and
orange found
in romance, [ love ]
a  m  o  r  e -
i listen to them
as they crunch
underneath me
and i wonder
what it would
be like to have
someone  
[ with me ]
to spend this
autumn day
with

{ s s }