What are these feelings I have for you?
Where did they come from?

“SURPRISE!” they shout at my confused soul.

Is it still just friendship?
Is it becoming comfort?
Has it always been love?

“YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!” they tease me, frustrate me.

“Oh but I will!” I challenge back.

Always dependable,
that’s you.
Always a little too shut off,
that’s me.

It’s different now, though.
Reciprocity,
and equality,
and, and, something more than
friendship?

But seven years have come and gone.
An abundance of time.
So I ask again,
Where did these feelings come from?

“HeHeHe!” they continue to mock me.

They know I am
confused
nervous
maybe a little excited…

Uncertain, but determined
I will find out what this feeling is.
I will find its origin,
And I will nurture it,

Or, I will **** it,

As if it

never

existed

at

all.

I pray thee leave, love me no more,
Call home the heart you gave me.
I but in vain that saint adore
That can, but will not, save me:
These poor half-kisses **** me quite;
Was ever man thus served?
Amidst an ocean of delight
For pleasure to be starved.

Show me no more those snowy *******
With azure riverets branched,
Where whilst mine eye with plenty feasts,
Yet is my thirst not stanched.
O Tantalus, thy pains ne'er tell,
By me thou art prevented:
'Tis nothing to be plagued in hell,
But thus in heaven tormented.

Clip me no more in those dear arms,
Nor thy life's comfort call me;
O, these are but too powerful charms,
And do but more enthral me.
But see how patient I am grown,
In all this coil about thee;
Come, nice thing, let my heart alone,
I cannot live without thee!

See here, the dark oasis
   beneath the blinding noon—
the slenderest of spaces,
   and it will vanish soon.

Our shaded refuge lingers
   where bright eyes cannot pry.
Those searching, scorching fingers
   still daily pass it by.

A breeze hums through this walnut
   we scaled with childish cheer.
The sign we carved was small, but
   it still would show the year.

Time hisses as she passes,
   and flicks her eager tongue,
hunting through groves and grasses
   we used to laugh among.

No man is going to change me
I've been through that and now I see clearly
I can love and I can be loved
But this time it will be because of me
Not because of what they want me to be.

Through iniquity I have grown strong
And no one can tell me that this makes me wrong
Finally the person reflected back
Is who I've wanted to be all along
I've finally found where I belong.

A new day is dawning
Been waiting for weeks
Cashed in my pay cheques
To pay for the tweaks

Drawing, deciding,
Doubting my needs
Umming and ahhing
This lust i must feed

Booked the appointment
There's no turning back
Go under the knife
Would you look at that!

Followed the steps
and handled with care
The bigger the better
But same face and hair

Mid-chest attention
They all think I'm dumb
But not enough's changed
So I'll have my *** done

You try and tear me down
but your words don't even matter
All they are is a bunch of jibber jabber
We are the ones who you discarded
That's okay because within me is where this all started
You treat me like I'm dirt
when I'm the one who gave birth
I brought into the world a little human being
all you did was shoot a little ***** up inside of me
I'm making all the sacrifices and
You ain't giving up ****
I have no freedom
You still come and go as you please
I go to work
I make ends meet
I have no life except for the one that we made
You gave that up and I'm the one who stayed
So you want to try and run me down?!
To you I will never bow!
I'm still lying in the bed that we made together  
And I'll be cleaning up the mess from here on after
I've done it all
Our son is okay
And it's all thanks to me
You have no part in this little boys life
Your only purpose is to try and cause pain and strife
You're missing out
I'm here for it all
I get the ****** diapers and pick him up when he falls
I get his first smile and the light in his eyes
all you get is severed ties
I get the bumps and bruises
the giggles and sighs
While you're out getting on your high
I see the adoration and love in his eyes
I'm here wiping away all the tears when he cries
I get his affection and kisses too
And you're getting what's been coming to you
So  you want to issue idle threats
and talk a big game
I know it's all ******* you never follow through
with anything that you say
You think being a parent is a convenience
well maybe you should get a clue
Everything that's being done is all because of you
So go ahead and blame everyone you see
because it's nobodies fault but your very own
that you're not the man you outta be
You think you're angry
well how do you think I feel
I'm the one here on a daily basis having to deal
My life is harder than it ever should of been
I don't even know if I can ever love again
These emotions that within me dwell
are like a broken bone they ache and swell
You think you're a father
Honey, you don't know a thing
You're just a baby daddy
Who doesn't have a name.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I just want to talk to you
and hear your voice speak
I just want to be with you
and lay in your arms so deep
I  want to scream
I  want to cut
I  just want to stop
wanting you so much
I don't want to miss you
I don't want to care
I don't want to keep reliving your stare
I don't want to see you
Or wonder where you are
I didn't want things to go this far
I don't want to worry
Or try to keep you near
I don't want to love you
But inevitably I do
I don't want my heart to break
But it's breaking over you
I didn't ask for this
Or even really try
I didn't need a man
Or a new start
I just wanted to be miserable
and left alone here in the dark

I wanted to not fall into
what I have so many times before
Why can't I just hate you
as I do all your kind
Why do I want to run to you
when there's a chance I'll be left behind?
What's this spell you have put me under?
with your captivating charms?
Why do I dream of you and long to be where you are?
Why am I so stupid?
Why am I so blind?
You're only going to hurt me....
It's just a matter of time.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden