each night
i go to bed alone
but talking to you
makes me feel less lonely

and when i get sleepy
and you say goodnight
i put the phone down
and i am overcome with fear.

Trust.
One of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.
Honestly, half the time I don't even trust myself.
Fighting an uphill battle against my inner demons,
But you know that.
I love you so much it hurts sometimes.
I second guess myself
And claw at my chest to see if my heart is still there.
It isn't.
It's with you,
Held gently in hands that do not shake.
Will never shake.
You are always right.
Maybe even when you call me beautiful.
My jaw trembles sometimes.
With you I have given up trying to hide it.
Because I know now that when my faith cracks,
When my knees go weak with uncertainty,
And I decide that I am not good enough
You will pick me up,
Stare me sternly in the face,
And have the confidence to say:
*You are wrong.

The bruises.
When his father came home late.
The scars.
When Daddy had one too many beers.
The tears.
When his mother left him alone.
The hope.
When he thought she might come back.
The fear.
When the blood wouldn't stop.
The muses.
When his pain found an outlet.
The songs.
When crying wasn't enough.
The music.
When he hit rock bottom.
The silence.**
When the hit was too hard.

I wish I could tell you;
everything
I've been keeping inside.
How I want to blame you,
how that Halloween was a thorn in my side.
How when I think of you,
I grit my teeth.
How you need to be in a hospital.

I wish I could tell you;
everything
I've kept and all the lies.
How I never loved you,
how that companionship was just another
dip in my stride.
How when I see your name,
I wish it was on a clipboard;
at the foot of your bed again,
sitting guard-style as you made small talk.
How my sketchbook filled itself as I
stayed by your side.

How of all the people you've abandoned,
I'm the least of all the snide remarks,
the least of all the cries for attention.
How when I think best friend,
I think pull the trigger.

How when you mention all the things you've
"done for me" to get me to overlook your insecurity,
to get me to reassess the frailties I know are simply
ingrained in you...
What passes through my mind are not what I owe you,
but what I've done for you,
and all the midnight phone calls that saved your life.

How when you tried to make us "even",
I cried.
How when you brush aside my concerns,
I wallow that you've let me down.

You're unreliable and I've known it from the start,
that you were weak and lazy, like me.
How your conscience crumbles under the weight of
a simple phrase.

I always had hope but it fades every time you tell me
that I should talk to you, that I must not like you because I don't.

Steady, I am. Like a plant whose roots are drinking all the wrong things,
but going nowhere.
Locale has never been my issue. I wander not far,
I walk on my own two feet.
I am always where I am.

Afraid, and alone, and aside,
a thorn in my side.
a dip in my stride.

I know that you are the one that owes,
and I'd be happy to overlook it.
But I've given you
chances
chances
chances
to overcome what I know you're capable of,
to become what I know you're capable of.
I've given you
smiles
times
graces
to breathe life into the dream sitting straight ahead.

But your blind eyes sway you,
every time.
You're not sublime, never feeling just 'fine'.

I wish I could tell you
all those times we spent side by side
before you cast me aside
before the dip in my stride
before the tides tore us apart;

best friends means you get what you deserve
best friends means