the day i turn 18 i think i'll vanish
leaving behind a puff of smoke
i don't need much, just a bag
full of clothes, money, one picture
the one of us standing before
the cliffs that lead off into the water
under a blue sky in Big Sur
i won't leave a letter for anyone
not my family, friends, or you
i'm thinking i'll find myself
in a place somewhere far away
untouched by every influence
i've been fed since life began
cause right now i can't be honest
about who i am or how i feel
i'm only running round in circles
of never ending questions and puzzles
all the while receiving silence
there are no answers to be found here
but they must exist deep inside
but i can't focus with all the noise
so away is my only choice to go
until then i can't feel need nor desire
no want, assurance, or acceptance
so the day i turn 18 magic will happen
and i will vanish before your eyes

Regret, my accomplice
in this game I play
Mind a constant commotion
emotions words can't say

Juxtaposition of heart
and this sinning shape
Barely any surfaces left
for this silk to drape

This isn't shattered soul,
or wandering nomadic being
Just curiosity of a bird
with newly sprouted wings

I've fallen plenty
woken up completely alone
Yet I'm still thirsty
for the taste of the unknown

So regret, my accomplice
follows me night and day
Exploring the crevices
among the devil's fray

must we call for adventure when death lingers
a fear casting a shadow over our every action
so you take action to fight the shadows
hastening the sunset like foolish children
running as fast as they can to watch
the sun pouring down into the water
a flaming yolk cracking upon the surface
the glorious way to die when you were young
but now we know pain and love and hate
and we lose the will to oppose our fates
resigned to live for the material on our plates
all the while admiring the daring heroes
'cause at least they were suffering and better for it
they could so easily break us apart
but to break us would be to mend us again
and again we will stand before judgement
denying the false lenses placed before our eyes
accepting an eternal immortal truth of life given
that must be taken away when the adventure has been won

my hands froze as i waited for you
under a dark and waning moon
yet nothing i could say, nothing i could do
would bring you closer save chanting, "soon"

patience is a virtue i keep with many
and when it comes to silence ive got plenty
yet when i count the seconds until i see
just the hint of your figure, i hardly breathe

you walk silently with a lingering eye
that winks the moment you catch mine
i knew that now i couldn't happily die
or i would miss the warmth as our hands entwine

now my heart beats this hopeless sound
of dreams and hopes when you're around
'cause in your arms i have found
clasps of warmth to keep me ever bound

a mind is cold and lying in a shallow pool
of tears some eyes have yet to shed
and a sky reflects too many memories
that leaves a heart's beat frozen in time

a body shivers as its joints achingly creak
as it crawls from a shadowy grave
a stone above dedicated to one's beloved
that lost their way in the ticking of a clock

a picture frame cracks and a ring is dropped
to a hard wood floor covered with prints
when a faint knock is heard at a door
at an hour where no visitor should wake

a lover is behind this tightly locked door
crying silently in melancholy and pain
if only this body could be a ghost
to watch over its love for every day

a fear is creeping into some kindled blood
yet a faint hope keeps some hands open
as if to pull someone in close embrace
that would keep a tight hold for eternity

a quiet is heard from beyond a barrier
that unless invited one cannot pass
so back into the shadows a lover goes
unforgotten by death's creeping watch

a silence is heard from beyond a door
as some tears thaw and begin to stream
and memories are tucked safely into a heart
of a love to never be forgotten by time

You're wallwork. A painted face on the mural we call life. You exist for no purpose, yet you live for reasons unbeknownst to all but the scholars who breathe, speak, and dream life itself.

Who are we to tell tales of God? Of the soul residing in the hearth of our bodies, gradually decaying as time endlessly presses onward, following the path that even our ancestors couldn't conquer.

What do we truly know of Heaven and Hell but the stories of those who have travelled along the brink of life and death, visiting those realms of angels and demons; uninvited but wholly welcome if their stay were for eternity. Only to be brought back by a capricious wind, calling their wayward spirit home.

What right do we have to make assumptions about the very essence that gives us our existence? Our only right is to live. Whether as part of the wallwork that holds the very fabric of life together, or as a star that shines brightly and burns out in a fiery burst, leaving nothing but a trail of dust.

I am following an old dirt path
Hoping it will take me far far away
Where thoughts of you can't follow
And plead my resolve to sway

I refuse to believe in false love
Just so I can be near to you
My first love, one in my heart
Oh how can you be so cruel

I truly wanted this to last
This was not some wanton affair
Your lack of complete passion
Has left me in fits of despair

I will not find my way back to you
No, I dare not to turn around
The only thing leading me forward
Is the absolute silence of sound

Oh silly little bird
Weren’t you ever told
If you play with the snake
Death will take hold

my eyes are glazed over with memories
of a time when love was our treasure
with the wind at our backs
pushing us forward into a fantasized future
where there were no painful heartbeats
or second guessing of days to come
and your hand held mind with a grasp
tighter than the skin enveloping our spirits

my eyes are glazed over with tears
flowing like time in an endless rush
feeling the aching scars you carved upon me
when you shed your cuccoon for wings
on a wind that got you no higher than the ground
yet as far from what you were as possible
until you realized that the sky was a lonely place
and the world not so bright untinted of passion

to dream of flight would be betrayal
of the promise I made spurred by memory
that can never forget your afterimage
burned behind my sleeping eyes

faint fears have begun to make a tremble
in this mind weakened by such pain
that if again caution is thrown to the wind
it would forever vanish into the sky

I have given you light in our darkness
a voice to follow in our violent wake
but should this fate befall us once more
in those dreams I fear I will begin to dwell

I beg us give no reason to find fault within
and keep us in reach of the sun's warmth
that if there comes a day when caution leaves
I won't regret that I did not give chase

concrete
is the hole below my feet
dark and moist and fulfilling
but I am still hovering
motionless in the air
flickering without a care
and I stop to think
"do I dare?"

waving
the ocean is stark raving
cold with an icy bite
getting chiller with the night
can you stop the wind,
or make the water spin
she answers quietly
"I do not dare."

climb
with arms stronger than mine
upon those towering cliffs
that have left me miffed
brush off the dust
and cleanse the rust
while asking
"should I dare?"

share
the light of a burning flare
leading into the darkness
of fate's shining midnight tress
put out thoughts as precise
your mind should suffice
shout to the world
"I have dared."

an empty room
swallowed by the storm inside
as thunder roars outside
rain painting the roof black
wind tearing at the walls
as voices lash like echoes of a whip
loud and berating
windows shaking from the severity
all else is silence and waiting
after the screaming
after crying
after the laughter
after sleep
after dreams of lost days
opening eyes to realization
that the tender feelings
had                 long ago
      
        *departed

porcelein face
red painted lips and cheeks
eyes an unnatural blue
dress older than the skin

withstanding the trials of time
with indifferent eyes
and complacent smile
full of the remembrances of earth
and wisdom of the ancient

yet ageless save the cracks of war

waiting in contempt silence
guiding the sands of time
as the grains fall ceaselessly
around the palms facing the ceiling
of the hourglass proofed of sound
and shielded from change

lifeless and observing
the world turning on its axis
orbiting the glass surrounding the body
capable of reaching out a hand
the embodiment of a forgiving deity
if the people weren't unforgiven
and the land still pure

walls are crumbling
ultimately complete
destruction of self

where does your heart lie?
                                                    ... I'm not sure
do you cry or sleep at night?
                                                        ..­. neither
can you remember your dreams?
                                                         ­   ... never

the air is still, stale
shelves left untouched
bed sheets left unmade
door locked too tightly

whispers are heard from beyond
day shifts into night outside panes
but the curtains are drawn
and everything is dark, shapeless, and vague

what do you do all day?
                                                ... nothing
what are you thinking?
                                                       ... nothing
how are you feeling?
                                                        ­      ... empty

We all laughed at her in her seamless white gown
As it folded around her on a barstool in a crowded club

She regarded us with the solemn eyes of a brooding child
Her hair curling and twisting down to her waist

Frail opaque hands holding her chin upon the wooden counter
An untouched apple martini right under her nose

Soft opalescent wings unsettled among writhing bodies
Brushing past her crushing her feathers

We called her a fool for walking into a place like this
Ignorant of the taste of desire and the sweetness of alcohol

She glanced at her foreign reflection waving in the red liquid
Her lips moistened as her fingertips sought the chill of the glass

There was no more laughter as we observed her in an anxious silence
Not fully aware of this pinnacle point in time

The first drop of apple seethed into her tongue
Her wings shivered violently and beautifully as they burst into steam

Her unconscious fingers tore the thread around her thighs
The dress now translucent and sensual, clinging to her curves

With the last sip of that poisonous apple her ruby lips curved into a tempting smile
A strange luster came into her hooded eyes as wisdom became her

She had welcomed the forbidden fruit

compared to an old man
with gentle expectations
held in higher contempt
yet silently more brilliant
mine are high and out of reach
stirring restlessly
seeping into my thoughts
taking me farther
and farther away from reality
how envious I am of the man who lives peacefully
while insinuating expectations only of death
and what may come as his last breathe escapes him forever
does he rise up to brush hands with God or
fall down to the deepest part of Hell with tortuous solemnity
oh how I wish I did not think so highly of life
and her coy ways of playing with my every movement
taunting me like a bird does a grounded kitten
who can only observe as the bird soars ever higher over her head
singing the melody she can only associate blindly with her life

A glance quickens the pulse
A smile reddens the face
A word rattles the mind
A touch speeds the pace

A laugh brightens the glow
An embrace heightens the heat
Invitation brings them closer
Until their can lips meet

Give into me
I am desire
No need to wait
I am fire

Give into me
I am lust
Feel your way
I am trust

Give into me
I am greed
Twist and turn
I am need

Give into me
I am light
No need for wings
I am flight

You've seen her, probably more than once
she holds her body to your eyes
but don't get too close, she breathes fire
and lust and smoke from cigarettes

She comes to life in the moonlight
glows in the sun, illuminating her essence
while hiding the dark sins
glowering in her heart like embers
of hate and pity and disgust

In her head is only room for fun
pure enjoyment as you struggle
only wood under her feet, piling higher
she dances above you
where your cries and pleas do not reach
she is in with the gods
telling secrets that bring men to their knees

I once told you "without you I'd be all alone"
do you remember what you said
you said you loved me

And I believed you, you know I did
I love you
remember when i said it too

I still mean it despite what happened
though you're disbelieving now
it's true, aggravatingly true...

No, I don't blame you for this
both of us were at fault
you can't stop time from changing us

Oh, I don't know if we'll be friends
perhaps when we find ourselves
again I'll come to this place

But despite this being the end
even if you won't say it...
I love you

I am twisting in your grasp
Reaching, recoiling, breathing
Tasting cigarettes and sweat
Disappearing the second I let go and
I find myself intertwined with sheets
Cool  and unfeeling like the sky beyond the window pane
Who was I searching for, my desire?
The name of a faceless man who holds me when I sleep
Whose taste and scent have permeated my core
Until he has become the air itself
Wrapping around my body, softer than the caress of silk
Lingering on my skin. Yet again I wake with empty arms
And the heavy ache of love and lust on my tongue
Pulsating in my fingertips, but why
This love always leaves me hollow, haunting me
With the sweet promise of return as soon as my eyes close
So I keep awake until coaxed with his voice, a lullaby humming in my ear
Bringing me closer and closer still
Only once more, I tell myself then nevermore will
I give in to incubus who softly calls my name each night
Once more and I will become the insomniac who dreams of you while waking

The thought swirled in sand
a tornado among calm desert
Claws pressing the temples
a dull ache through process

The ends that will never meet
like the golden thread of destiny
The fates holding their knives
screeching in undeterred agony

The circles of glorified eternity
and the endless stretch of wealth
Gears always turning soundlessly
in the presence of cruel time

Awaiting the decay of life
the destruction of wholesomeness
To welcome the absolute certainty
of a broken chain of repetition

I found a hidden picture frame
holding an image of you and her
butterflies hit the walls in my stomach
and my heart beat with pangs

I wanted to rip your picture up
and burn it in the fireplace
but those actions wouldn't mean anything
because it couldn't break your world

I could confront you with tears
but that would bring up past emotions
memories of a long forgotten love
and you might start to compare us

I wish I had always monopolized your heart
so that you never had another lover
and you would look only at me
with eyes viewing our present and future

poor girl with a mask on her face
can you really see through those cut-out holes
or are you completely blind
to what's before you, what you are missing
what you are leaving behind

I walked into the bathroom,
ran into her yet again
at the witching hour
and smiled solemnly.

"You're not looking your best,"
I said.

Her smile fell just a hint,
but she kept up her head.

"You're quite the beautiful
disaster yourself."

I don't think our eyes
are smiling anymore,
but her red lips remain upturned.

She's pale.
Her eyes are dark underneath.
She probably couldn't sleep;
well, it's why I was there.

We stood staring in silence,
each evaluating the other
as enemies,
as friends.

I wonder when the last time
was that we saw each other
with the same thoughts
in mind;

the last time when we agreed
with the other;

when we looked our best;
when crying;
when laughing;

just gazing at each other
on the same wavelength.

But she's still smiling
without smiling,
and so am I.

"Goodbye," I nod to her.

She nods back.
"I'll see you again,"
she whispers with a smile.

Curse this woman's fickle nature,
who allowed that man again to play her.
With love not lost and still held dear,
she walked into his arms unknowing of fear.

Slipping, always slipping into the night
I thought I had captured the sun
But in my hands I held the reflection

My love my love                                        Mon amour mon amour      
You leave me blind                                    Vous me quittez aveugle    
Kept in the dark                                         Gardé dans l'obscurité
Where light doesn’t shine                          Où la lumière ne brille pas

My love my love                                        Mon amour mon amour
I am restless                                               Je suis agité
You hold me so tight                                Vous me tenez si serré
I am left breathless                                    On me quitte essoufflé

My love my love                                        Mon amour mon amour
You are cruel                                              Vous êtes cruels
You paint such sweet lies                           Vous peignez de tels mensonges doux
Taking me for a fool                                   La prise de moi pour un imbécile

My love my love                                         Mon amour mon amour
You leave me bereft                                    Vous me quittez privé
Of dignity and hate                                    De la dignité et de la haine
There is nothing left                                    Il n'y a rien

My love my love                                         Mon amour mon amour
You will leave me to die                             Vous me quitterez pour mourir
We cannot go together                              Nous ne pouvons pas aller ensemble
So I will say goodbye                                 Donc je dirai au revoir

My love my love                                      Mon amour mon amour
You gave such sweet thoughts               Vous avez donné de telles pensées douces
Nothing was ever wanting                     Rien ne voulait jamais
In you whom I sought                            Dans vous que j'ai cherchés

sing to me in whispered words
of the night that softly sets
and in the moment light returns
put both our eyes to rest

with dunes of gold that invade
our peace that lies in the dark
speaks in the rhythm of breathing
as the night's favored spark

the origin of life lies
not in the day but the night
for we truly know that we live
when we wake before sight

I'm drinking in the last bit of time
I have left until I cant go back
to the ease and difficulty of memory

when life flutters past in the form
of the butterfly that used to
always escape capture from our nets

I know not the sounds I will make
that may leave impressions
in the air for just a short while

I'm still unsure which foot goes
in front of the other and how many
steps it takes to ascend from here

all that may lead us from now on
are the unknown and the guessed
futures we received from paper fortunes

Perception would be reality if a daydream were the day
A nightmare would be the night if it had its way
A candle would be life if fire was its essence
And haze would be so clear if the truth was not so dense.

I grabbed hold
of that chain
untold
of which
no one really knows

and yet
of what I see
that's set
can never be to meet
but, has been met

separation

                             like a curse

carved upon frail arms

forever does not last

the two lips
                            
                             parted

never to touch again

frozen as a

                            memory

the ghosts of our past

pieces
      
                            of you and I

You watched
me step from the dark
without a word
without a sound
just staring as I
stumbled so slowly
so close
so distant
but fingers could
still have reached
if your heart was in
them

instead

you filled the air
with silence
filled your head
with everything but
remembrance
eyes looking
not truly seeing
what clearly was lying
on top of my skin
really
no glass needed

but I had become
a part of something
you needed to
be forgotten
to move?
to live?

I was never told

and even now
only because I fell back
into the light
so close
so distant
your fingers slightly
stretched
but they lack
the warmth
that you had
traced on my skin
in permanent
marker

we are leaving behind dreams
crushed like flower petals
laying upon the less travelled path

wakened from a sense of peace
or as close we could reach
with bodies cemented to practicality

the infamy you will gain,
a spotlight of sympathy and pity
is worth the tears of blood

rebellion was your game
and a gluttony for greivances
the fruits of our demise

was it the desire of interest,
a beautiful melancholic tale
for the masses under your toes

to shatter picture frames
and shake the dust from our hearts
into our sorrowful lungs

poor and superficial soul
there is no sympathy for the devil
as he has none for such sinners

we will spend our days with blurred eyes
while the red carpet of purgatory
welcomes you as family

and should we ever meet again
your hope may wallow in the depths
of our blind condescension

sleep is no escape
to my swelling mind
as dawn creeps in slowly
while rest leaves me behind
I can no longer find the comfort
other may find inside their dreams
instead my gaze is left to quietly shift
among the shape shifting ceiling beams
I'm not sure if lonely is the right word used
to describe the nights I do spend silently awake
but there is something missing from inside myself
a vast emptiness that with sleep I could hope to slake
otherwise their is no hope for this poor insomniac
who daydreams in the night of the possibilities
that will allow me to fall into deep slumber
and spare me from their shallow pities
I will close my eyes before the sun
peeks over the wall above view
and sleep becomes escape
into dreams of you

chalk it up to fantasy
or better yet, reality
swimming in dreams
picking at the seams
something called faith
nothing you can make
but bittersweet smoke
dipping in the tokes
covered in hazy film
sight becoming dim
ears opening to truth
last step from youth
thrown into the water
God's lonely daughter
fighting a breath
with no fight left
listen to the whispers
the cracking bone spurs
as animalistic nature
becomes desire's creature
a twisted marionette
upon the king's deck
but I hold the ace
only thing to trace
back to fantasy
or better yet, reality