uncertainty is the concrete that binds me
as the sands of time rapidly increase upon my shore
and fate's strings aren't even tugging now
because indecision is who i've come to implore

I am still caught in your wake
as I'm sure you are left in mine
we were but stones skipping
across thrashing waters
never meant to flow smoothly
but to sink in separate places
you upon the ocean floor
where one day fate will push
you back to the shores
and I in some forgotten pond
still and shallow but
forever I shall remain whole
and while you mold yourself
back together, you will never
be made the same again
but for I who may still
be submerged, when the
water dries naturally
from someone else's sun
I will still be who I once was

I grabbed hold
of that chain
untold
of which
no one really knows

and yet
of what I see
that's set
can never be to meet
but, has been met

my hands froze as i waited for you
under a dark and waning moon
yet nothing i could say, nothing i could do
would bring you closer save chanting, "soon"

patience is a virtue i keep with many
and when it comes to silence ive got plenty
yet when i count the seconds until i see
just the hint of your figure, i hardly breathe

you walk silently with a lingering eye
that winks the moment you catch mine
i knew that now i couldn't happily die
or i would miss the warmth as our hands entwine

now my heart beats this hopeless sound
of dreams and hopes when you're around
'cause in your arms i have found
clasps of warmth to keep me ever bound

I'm drinking in the last bit of time
I have left until I cant go back
to the ease and difficulty of memory

when life flutters past in the form
of the butterfly that used to
always escape capture from our nets

I know not the sounds I will make
that may leave impressions
in the air for just a short while

I'm still unsure which foot goes
in front of the other and how many
steps it takes to ascend from here

all that may lead us from now on
are the unknown and the guessed
futures we received from paper fortunes

You watched
me step from the dark
without a word
without a sound
just staring as I
stumbled so slowly
so close
so distant
but fingers could
still have reached
if your heart was in
them

instead

you filled the air
with silence
filled your head
with everything but
remembrance
eyes looking
not truly seeing
what clearly was lying
on top of my skin
really
no glass needed

but I had become
a part of something
you needed to
be forgotten
to move?
to live?

I was never told

and even now
only because I fell back
into the light
so close
so distant
your fingers slightly
stretched
but they lack
the warmth
that you had
traced on my skin
in permanent
marker

drink in what is and what won't be
the second your eyes drift away
let it sink in that time will never see
how it affects us physically each day

accept the old and accept the new
as their existence so much like ours
will never be eternal and like the dew
disappears into the light as stars

memories fray and our beings wilt
beneath the constant flow of change
and so much like the earth's tilt
our lives are just so easily rearranged

now breathe in the air right before you
love the people and places you pass
and when your heart beats become few
believe that this jump can never be the last

sing to me in whispered words
of the night that softly sets
and in the moment light returns
put both our eyes to rest

with dunes of gold that invade
our peace that lies in the dark
speaks in the rhythm of breathing
as the night's favored spark

the origin of life lies
not in the day but the night
for we truly know that we live
when we wake before sight

the day i turn 18 i think i'll vanish
leaving behind a puff of smoke
i don't need much, just a bag
full of clothes, money, one picture
the one of us standing before
the cliffs that lead off into the water
under a blue sky in Big Sur
i won't leave a letter for anyone
not my family, friends, or you
i'm thinking i'll find myself
in a place somewhere far away
untouched by every influence
i've been fed since life began
cause right now i can't be honest
about who i am or how i feel
i'm only running round in circles
of never ending questions and puzzles
all the while receiving silence
there are no answers to be found here
but they must exist deep inside
but i can't focus with all the noise
so away is my only choice to go
until then i can't feel need nor desire
no want, assurance, or acceptance
so the day i turn 18 magic will happen
and i will vanish before your eyes

sleep is no escape
to my swelling mind
as dawn creeps in slowly
while rest leaves me behind
I can no longer find the comfort
other may find inside their dreams
instead my gaze is left to quietly shift
among the shape shifting ceiling beams
I'm not sure if lonely is the right word used
to describe the nights I do spend silently awake
but there is something missing from inside myself
a vast emptiness that with sleep I could hope to slake
otherwise their is no hope for this poor insomniac
who daydreams in the night of the possibilities
that will allow me to fall into deep slumber
and spare me from their shallow pities
I will close my eyes before the sun
peeks over the wall above view
and sleep becomes escape
into dreams of you

to dream of flight would be betrayal
of the promise I made spurred by memory
that can never forget your afterimage
burned behind my sleeping eyes

faint fears have begun to make a tremble
in this mind weakened by such pain
that if again caution is thrown to the wind
it would forever vanish into the sky

I have given you light in our darkness
a voice to follow in our violent wake
but should this fate befall us once more
in those dreams I fear I will begin to dwell

I beg us give no reason to find fault within
and keep us in reach of the sun's warmth
that if there comes a day when caution leaves
I won't regret that I did not give chase

two souls stared out into the sea
silent among the sifted sand
searching for answers in the dark

it never occurred to bring light
or come by during the day
as if the sun could clear their sight

clouds uncovered the waxing moon
but half way through its travels
a faint glimmer rested there

through speech circles are wound
this they knew of the short years
so quiet was the bond kept

only waiting of the eyes
a hope of catching the hidden hope
their hearts had yet to know

I walked into the bathroom,
ran into her yet again
at the witching hour
and smiled solemnly.

"You're not looking your best,"
I said.

Her smile fell just a hint,
but she kept up her head.

"You're quite the beautiful
disaster yourself."

I don't think our eyes
are smiling anymore,
but her red lips remain upturned.

She's pale.
Her eyes are dark underneath.
She probably couldn't sleep;
well, it's why I was there.

We stood staring in silence,
each evaluating the other
as enemies,
as friends.

I wonder when the last time
was that we saw each other
with the same thoughts
in mind;

the last time when we agreed
with the other;

when we looked our best;
when crying;
when laughing;

just gazing at each other
on the same wavelength.

But she's still smiling
without smiling,
and so am I.

"Goodbye," I nod to her.

She nods back.
"I'll see you again,"
she whispers with a smile.

bury me in your arms

like the eternal grave

where light won't blind

my eyes from your face

and my peacefulness grows

with each muscle strained

capturing me forever

in your warm embrace

I am twined with the viper
coiled below his breathing scales
where heat takes the place of air
and light shimmers with tinted green

he holds me up to his mirrors
reflecting many frightened eyes
intended to succumb to their fate
when the world can't see their cries

his slit ears hear no sighing sound
his slant eyes see no ongoing struggle
his tongue flickers in the taste of hunger
as we are about to become one

I never left with a parting glance
nor kissed my loves goodbye
nor could I ever pray to any god
because I am twined with the viper

love,
the most destructive
vulnerability

obstructed by the custom
of guarded humility
that can never pursue
any interest in purity
to keep the living whole
in peace and endless security

     oh, violent vulnerability
     slighted by my words
     whom betray nothing
     of my heart's mind
     but clear cut diamonds
     of the coolest civility
     for mild understanding
     to chain the enraged truth
     seeking to speak
     through these irises
     the purest contradiction
     to the ice burning skin

chalk it up to fantasy
or better yet, reality
swimming in dreams
picking at the seams
something called faith
nothing you can make
but bittersweet smoke
dipping in the tokes
covered in hazy film
sight becoming dim
ears opening to truth
last step from youth
thrown into the water
God's lonely daughter
fighting a breath
with no fight left
listen to the whispers
the cracking bone spurs
as animalistic nature
becomes desire's creature
a twisted marionette
upon the king's deck
but I hold the ace
only thing to trace
back to fantasy
or better yet, reality

must we call for adventure when death lingers
a fear casting a shadow over our every action
so you take action to fight the shadows
hastening the sunset like foolish children
running as fast as they can to watch
the sun pouring down into the water
a flaming yolk cracking upon the surface
the glorious way to die when you were young
but now we know pain and love and hate
and we lose the will to oppose our fates
resigned to live for the material on our plates
all the while admiring the daring heroes
'cause at least they were suffering and better for it
they could so easily break us apart
but to break us would be to mend us again
and again we will stand before judgement
denying the false lenses placed before our eyes
accepting an eternal immortal truth of life given
that must be taken away when the adventure has been won

I wish you caught my lips
moving in sync with a frame
of a song you weren't hearing
as you looked into my eyes

"But how could I know

they are wonderful liars
unlike my truthful mouth
that can never keep a secret
but it kept secrets from you

that everything you say

silently dropping hints
of my flowing love for you
and the discontent I felt
when you easily walked away

are lies about devotion and desire

never understood why I waited
in the dust drifting behind
full of your wavering feelings
that flecked my skin in gold

and I know the spark

it stained me with illusions
that if I mouthed my love
in accordance to the songs
maybe once you would listen

inside your eyes

yet here I am again by your side
singing without speaking
eyes wide open and hollow
my heart caught in my throat

was just the match I used

but you aren't where love is
you are swimming in mahogany pools
while I whisper my secrets
in place of where you should be

*to set myself on fire."

an empty room
swallowed by the storm inside
as thunder roars outside
rain painting the roof black
wind tearing at the walls
as voices lash like echoes of a whip
loud and berating
windows shaking from the severity
all else is silence and waiting
after the screaming
after crying
after the laughter
after sleep
after dreams of lost days
opening eyes to realization
that the tender feelings
had                 long ago
      
        *departed

concrete
is the hole below my feet
dark and moist and fulfilling
but I am still hovering
motionless in the air
flickering without a care
and I stop to think
"do I dare?"

waving
the ocean is stark raving
cold with an icy bite
getting chiller with the night
can you stop the wind,
or make the water spin
she answers quietly
"I do not dare."

climb
with arms stronger than mine
upon those towering cliffs
that have left me miffed
brush off the dust
and cleanse the rust
while asking
"should I dare?"

share
the light of a burning flare
leading into the darkness
of fate's shining midnight tress
put out thoughts as precise
your mind should suffice
shout to the world
"I have dared."

I found a hidden picture frame
holding an image of you and her
butterflies hit the walls in my stomach
and my heart beat with pangs

I wanted to rip your picture up
and burn it in the fireplace
but those actions wouldn't mean anything
because it couldn't break your world

I could confront you with tears
but that would bring up past emotions
memories of a long forgotten love
and you might start to compare us

I wish I had always monopolized your heart
so that you never had another lover
and you would look only at me
with eyes viewing our present and future

walls are crumbling
ultimately complete
destruction of self

where does your heart lie?
                                                    ... I'm not sure
do you cry or sleep at night?
                                                        ..­. neither
can you remember your dreams?
                                                         ­   ... never

the air is still, stale
shelves left untouched
bed sheets left unmade
door locked too tightly

whispers are heard from beyond
day shifts into night outside panes
but the curtains are drawn
and everything is dark, shapeless, and vague

what do you do all day?
                                                ... nothing
what are you thinking?
                                                       ... nothing
how are you feeling?
                                                        ­      ... empty

My expenditure of time has dwindled
as protocol has cut short daydreams,
and filled my head with numbers and letters
and writing takes up half the hours of light.

I miss the nights of sleepily lazing about
on exaggerated sheets and solitary satisfaction,
where care flew by me on its way to work
leaving me waiting under the sun shade.

Dreams are now filled with longings and hopes
for the heat and cooling winds of freedom,
that will unbind me from responding to reality
as it will be on hold until further notice from Fall.

I found myself alone
in the cold dusk
at the crease between
night and day

Over my shoulder the illusive flesh of light
meagerly permeated through refracting clouds
above an ocean enclosed from my view
by lulling hills and warming homes

My hands finally quiet
my legs began their routine stretch
for the solitary walk to the local cafe
where heat anticipated the arrival
of my cooled skin

It wasn't the element of instant gratification
that spun the anxious gears
mechanizing in my chilled blood
but the thought that

Had I not taken the time to strengthen my relations
with the setting that was to remain my home
for the next few years

I would become just another lapse in time
among the earth's surface

The windows never reflecting my spiritualistic limbs

My home untouched by the graces of fond strangers

The light always before me never behind
in that distant place shielded by panes and lenses
and the hungering sky

So I found myself alone
silently walking along
a dimming sidewalk
to a warmer place
with the diluted light filtering
through refracted clouds
against my back

I can't really describe the feeling
of having everything
taken away from you
by someone you love
in only a few seconds

years of happiness

trust

comfort

all lost
in the synapses
of a few

short

words

there is no song
to lift your spirits
no face you wish to see
and any sort of allusion
to romance
sends you back into the very moment
they said the word                                      
                                                         "good-bye"

there is a deprivation of joy-
in the day
overwhelming loneliness-
in the night

the warmth is gone from your side
and someone is missing
from your dreams

that future you sometimes dared to think of
is crushed and shattered before your eyes

but you still have to get up each morning
                                                         ­               
                                                                ­         alone

and it's torture

and you're crying again

and the phone doesn't ring

and you're just sitting there asking

why?

a mind is cold and lying in a shallow pool
of tears some eyes have yet to shed
and a sky reflects too many memories
that leaves a heart's beat frozen in time

a body shivers as its joints achingly creak
as it crawls from a shadowy grave
a stone above dedicated to one's beloved
that lost their way in the ticking of a clock

a picture frame cracks and a ring is dropped
to a hard wood floor covered with prints
when a faint knock is heard at a door
at an hour where no visitor should wake

a lover is behind this tightly locked door
crying silently in melancholy and pain
if only this body could be a ghost
to watch over its love for every day

a fear is creeping into some kindled blood
yet a faint hope keeps some hands open
as if to pull someone in close embrace
that would keep a tight hold for eternity

a quiet is heard from beyond a barrier
that unless invited one cannot pass
so back into the shadows a lover goes
unforgotten by death's creeping watch

a silence is heard from beyond a door
as some tears thaw and begin to stream
and memories are tucked safely into a heart
of a love to never be forgotten by time

separation

                             like a curse

carved upon frail arms

forever does not last

the two lips
                            
                             parted

never to touch again

frozen as a

                            memory

the ghosts of our past

pieces
      
                            of you and I

my eyes are glazed over with memories
of a time when love was our treasure
with the wind at our backs
pushing us forward into a fantasized future
where there were no painful heartbeats
or second guessing of days to come
and your hand held mind with a grasp
tighter than the skin enveloping our spirits

my eyes are glazed over with tears
flowing like time in an endless rush
feeling the aching scars you carved upon me
when you shed your cuccoon for wings
on a wind that got you no higher than the ground
yet as far from what you were as possible
until you realized that the sky was a lonely place
and the world not so bright untinted of passion

I hadn't realized I was waiting
until satisfaction came
in the form of a few shallow words
holding the deepest meaning
in my heart and tears

we are leaving behind dreams
crushed like flower petals
laying upon the less travelled path

wakened from a sense of peace
or as close we could reach
with bodies cemented to practicality

the infamy you will gain,
a spotlight of sympathy and pity
is worth the tears of blood

rebellion was your game
and a gluttony for greivances
the fruits of our demise

was it the desire of interest,
a beautiful melancholic tale
for the masses under your toes

to shatter picture frames
and shake the dust from our hearts
into our sorrowful lungs

poor and superficial soul
there is no sympathy for the devil
as he has none for such sinners

we will spend our days with blurred eyes
while the red carpet of purgatory
welcomes you as family

and should we ever meet again
your hope may wallow in the depths
of our blind condescension

I know my name as it is called again
there is a cold and bittersweet ring
every time someone calls for me
the heat may be missing as it had flown
from your mouth so many days
but the shackle of that false name
has fallen to the floor before us
slowly I will learn it's meaning
and discover how it classifies me
but I will render the name you uttered
in that precocious way you had,
useless

The thought swirled in sand
a tornado among calm desert
Claws pressing the temples
a dull ache through process

The ends that will never meet
like the golden thread of destiny
The fates holding their knives
screeching in undeterred agony

The circles of glorified eternity
and the endless stretch of wealth
Gears always turning soundlessly
in the presence of cruel time

Awaiting the decay of life
the destruction of wholesomeness
To welcome the absolute certainty
of a broken chain of repetition

Regret, my accomplice
in this game I play
Mind a constant commotion
emotions words can't say

Juxtaposition of heart
and this sinning shape
Barely any surfaces left
for this silk to drape

This isn't shattered soul,
or wandering nomadic being
Just curiosity of a bird
with newly sprouted wings

I've fallen plenty
woken up completely alone
Yet I'm still thirsty
for the taste of the unknown

So regret, my accomplice
follows me night and day
Exploring the crevices
among the devil's fray