3:06 pm

this state of dejection is familiar,
yet stronger than before
i feel i've lost all sense of what is good,
and i wonder what goodness i have left in my life

-z

He's gotten used to my crying
Folds my gloves
Entertains my hand
Nothing to offer but a fading persona

White emblems to remind me
I'll lose my right to be alone
Every day worn down by the next
Pushing pushing
What will I set aside?

in the cut in his high
i find my minor chord
that transitional backdrop
to renew a world filled with dust and broken glass

a small broom sitting crookedly in a crowded corner
an invitation burned at the sides
and an apology in a glistened paper package

he's leaving again
and i've been wondering the fatality of soiling and regrowth
seems i've lost count but never faith or burning sweetness
don't know what brought me here, familiarity and ringing echos
is it a chain or written in stone

my mind dances around him
my thoughts twirl like taffy
loosely restrained
these silent reminders
surface at my throat
do not hurt him
dusk til dawn these words ring out
do not hurt him

he had affixed green eyes
glazed but lively
i saw something in them
soulful
perhaps bruised

scared to touch
harmonic veins ran through his frame
he radiated blind beauty with every step

he was the animate version of all my hopes and dreams
and here he was
with me
how heartbreakingly beautiful
i could never be what he deserves

fall feels like our expired summer
leaves would burst with green as i drove to your house
the sun rays would beat down on us
now the leaves have turned sour, they wither and fall
the sun rays barely make it through the clouds
they warm my cheeks for a dull moment
i miss you

the thought of you
it weighs heavy the further we drift
i've done well to ignore it
yesterday i walked home without headphones
i notice the group in front
my eyes wander to the tall red headed boy
his face is chubby and his hair bounces with his step
he is shy and walks kind of like you did
if i could remember

though i know you're back home
and you've long lost your baby weight
somehow i can't help but quicken my step
he stays in eye sight as we walk through the park
maybe tonight, i'll let my mind indulge for a second more

Here’s to the boy
who waited for a girl
on his front door step
until she came home
after leaving without sound

Here’s to the girl
who has to hide her urges
behind a glass door
the strength to put down the razor
after shaving her legs

Here’s to the girl
who receives deluded comments
on the length of her skirt
from her own mother

Here’s to the boy
who didn’t have a father growing up
but is teased
because he’s more comfortable being friends with girls

Here’s to the girl
who finds solace
in people who are temporary

Here’s to the boy
that doesn’t feel safe
in his own home

Here’s to all the kids
who have been told it is wrong to feel
the way they feel
like our emotions are fishhooks
that need to be
reeled in

Here’s to you
Here’s to me
Here’s to anyone who has ever had
their heart crushed beneath the heel
of someone they loved

You are loved
You are important
You’ve made it this far
and you can make it even farther
have strength
and

Here’s to you

i have grown familiar with the feeling of hot tears rolling down my face, it seems this is where i always find myself
i woke up this morning eyes puffed, and when i washed my face i tasted the salty runoff from the night before

even sleep could not numb my pain, the scarce dozzy seconds between slumber and awareness i found comfort in feeling nothing, but all too soon my sorrow seeped in like a sickness

he said it was only temporary until he got better, 'be strong,' i tell myself 'for him', but my own selfish desires render me bedridden daring to dream a life without him

i never noticed how good i was at putting on a pretty face, his heavy words broke me in two, but i stayed together
the second he turned his back i crumbled in a way i have never before
it is now 26 hours later and at any given time i could spiral into a pool of anguish and heartache

this state of dejection is familiar, yet stronger than before, i feel i've lost all sense of what is good, and i wonder what goodness i have left in my life

denial keeps me sane
it smudges reality with a thin cloth
fills me with false hope
that maybe today will be different

in slow motion
i pass the same halls i do everyday
yet now they've been painted new
once with excitement and opportunity
now of distant emotion and expired joy

grab me
shake me from this sleep
look past my stone gaze
climb inside my hollow head
extract the cold from within

hold my hands
squeeze them
return the flow of blood
turn them blue
so long as you hold them

breaking my atmosphere

first you find terrors
boys, spiders, darkness
tell them to leave me alone
if you don't mind

when you find my family
introduce yourself
i have not seen my dad in years
nor my nana
or my papa

when you hit emotion
be sure to say hello
because here is where i spend most my nights
anger, envy, numbness

upon your arrival to friends
ask my best friend what turned her bitter
why did she drop me on a dime
after 8 years

next is past loves
don't pay them much attention
they don't care about me

I'm not sure what is at the burning core
but i know its something heavy
sometimes at night i can feel it pounding
like an animal begging to be let out
maybe why i don't open up
especially not this deep down
who am i

you went away, your playlist did not
without you, it comforted me in the night
2 days it took you to pick these songs
i hold them close in fear that they might slip away too

2 days changed the next 2 years without you
analyzing every song, hearing your voice through their's
each artist's discography unlocked a new part of you to discover
the lengths i go to feel connected to him
grasping at straws
a one-sided closeness created by music

he showed me all of my favourite artists
how do i rid myself of the one that lingers in each verse
haunting the chorus of every song
he is music

why did i put myself here
how did i let it get this bad
i never even knew him

carving you out in a hollow hallway
eyes glisten until I run dry
I will rid myself of you if it means
I must carve you out myself
with a bent and broken Swiss Army knife
I will spare you no mercy when I rip you piece by piece out through my mouth and into my eyes
And I will stop at nothing until you are gone
And I am the shell of who I once was

7:58am
I climb the stairs and turn left
where he waits for her to get her books
He gives me a heedless smile
and I turn right

11:23am
I sit on the marble floor
as I finish my banana
I take a walk
un-ironically so that I pass him
He's laughs beside her
as I fade into the background

2:17pm
I sway side to side
watching from the outside in
as they heal and I break
she tells him to have a good night
and gets on the bus

2:30pm
I sit alone
waiting for my mother
after school hours
it is only the two of us
he sits beside me
and asks how I've been
I say I could be better

2:39pm
He tells me that if I ever need anything
he's always around
His voice urges me to tell him what's wrong
but I laugh sheepishly and murmur a thank you

2:45pm
I receive a text from my mother saying "10 mins"
I put my phone away and give my full attention to him
He receives a text saying "Hey babe"
and mishears what I said
We sit in silence
as I study his fingers tapping away
and wonder how he could be so ******* stupid

my oldest friend
seeps through the cracks of the window
he begs me to take him back
says he will comfort me once more
just like when we were young
he tells me he is all i need

when i resist his requests
he follows me wherever i go
continuously tells me that he is my elixir
when the crowds fade out and it is just us
he asks if i feel alone
says he could help

in physical form
he reflects my worries and doubts
my regret and sadness
i used to think he was all that could help
the familiarity somewhat soothing

dancing fingers fill her hair
you watch her chest rise and fall
the weight of your world
resting on your lap
between your fingers lies a girl
a pretty girl
witty, kind, lovely in every way
she is yours
and you are whole

he is the early morning rain
a frosted air filling my lungs

he is in these words
hidden within the letters

he is a canvas of colours
each stroke of my brush

he is the strum of my guitar
the way i talk
the colour of my eyes
the skip in my step

he is the pulse of my heart
and i wouldn't want it any other way

my spine is scraped, held together for too long
his step is languid, and flows with the air
fall
fall

another day another crack
tile bruises my elbows
fall

it's been three months
his breath runs my
spine
crunching of orange and red leaves
fall
i can't stop thinking of summer

A hollow pit sits in my stomach
I've never felt this before
Medication
Will anything smear this hardship
Smile smile smile
Pretend it's okay
I swear I'm okay
Break down as soon as you get home
Your parents are fast asleep it's okay to cry
Warm water can't replace the feel of your touch
Pat dry but the towel is stained red
38 hours I can barely eat
Puking, headaches, cracking bones
When will this end
Red, all I see is red
Shaking fists are begging me to let them loose

each word you speak
i will craft into a chorus of endearment
a filled orchestra made just for you
crooning to the sound of your heart

i will write hours upon end
witlessly trying to convey my fondness
scartching paper
breaking pens
nothing could compare

such bittersweet sorrow
immersed on his lips

a faint whisper from a foggy village
echoes the fidelity in my veins
my cherry dipped heart
tells me to follow him

my tongue forced still
i cannot utter but a word
my legs rooted down
i watch him leave as each second we've spent together
crumbles in my trembling hands