One of these days, I'll learn how to write
But I'm doing the best I can
I'll probably never be Edgar Allan Poe
Or any kind of famous man

No one will ever know my name
Or even hear my rhymes
I've told myself it doesn't matter
At least a million times

For me this life is over
There's no where else to turn
The time has come for me to end it
I guess I'll never learn

Don't anyone try to stop me
For it will do no good
Things are just gonna happen
The way I knew they would

It's time for me to **** myself
Yes, It's time for the blood to flow
How long does it take to die from a paper cut
Does anybody know?

There's Dasher and Dancer
Then Prancer and *****
Comet and Cupid
Then Donner and Blitzen

If you think these are reindeer
Then you would be wrong
And it's not crazy words
In some Christmassy song

See, they are my brothers
Don't anybody laugh
For these are hillbilly names
From Polecat Path

It's a place in the hills
In East Tennesee
On the top of a mountain
As high as can be

Here, Christmas is different
There's no reindeer or sleigh
We use an old covered wagon
It works better that way

We make toys in the smoke house
For most of the year
While smoking our hams
'Til Christmas is near

Then we load up the wagon
With granny on the reins
Her wooden teeth all gummy
With rootbeer stains

Now the wagon is pulled
By my brothers and I
We're plumb tuckered out
'Cause people can't fly

Well, you get the picture
About Christmas in the hills
It's a hillbilly adventure
On wagon wheels

Now there's much more to tell
But it's time to run off
'Cause we're loading the wagon
Your friend, Rudolph

My wife, she likes those six pack abs
But me, I've got a keg
She can see that thing anytime she likes
And I won't even make her beg

I see myself as a muscle man
I workout everyday
Watching Tv with my plate on my belly
And putting that food away

My workout plan is a strenuous task
All I gotta do is eat
I know it works 'cause my belly keeps growing
Until I can't even see my feet

I go to the gym at least five times a day
Gym is the name of my fridge
There's so many ropes holding up my pants
'Til it looks like the brooklyn bridge

Yep, she really loves those six pack abs
And she says I'm shaped like an egg
It takes a very long time to look like this
So she better get used to the keg

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills
The kinfolk were drinkin' as they tend to their stills

The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care
No stockings were found, just underwear

The children were nestled so high in their bunks
Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks

Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee
Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree

From out of the barn there arose such a noise
We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys

But what to my wandering eye should appear
It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere

And then from the rooftop we heard it at last
Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast

We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here
Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer

Venison all covered with onions for stew
And even old Santa enjoyed some too

His belly was full when he walked out the door
But he couldn't resist when we offered him more

Well that's the story of our Christmas here
Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year


© All Rights Reserved

I'm startin' to run out of nursery rhymes
So, I made up one of my own
It's about a nearsighted plumber
That was accidently glued to his throne

Once upon a time, long, long ago
There was a plumber, who I'll call Dale
Poor old Dale had a hard time plumbing
Cause he really couldn't see very well

He'd gotten a call, "The toilet won't flush!
Please, can you come right away?"
Well, old Dale got in such a hurry
He forgot to take his glasses that day

Well, by the time old Dale had got there
The house was in quite a mess
He realized he'd forgotten his glasses
But he'd give that toilet his best

He'd not seen this since plumbing school
But then, he only saw it on a test
And by the time, he got his tools together
The water was starting to crest

He had spotted the problem right away
But remember now, he can only half see
The water was squirtin' six feet high
And poor Dale was only five foot three

He laid his glue on the toilet seat
While trying his best not to drown
He couldn't see where he put it at
And, of course, that's where he sat down

He didn't even know 'till it was too late
He'd bent over to loosen a nut
And that's when he first noticed that thing
The toilet was glued to his ****

So, if you ever need a real good plumber
He's the man for the job, without fail
And I hope you enjoyed this story
About the nearsighted plumber named Dale

I forgot tell you, there's one more thing
About the nearsighted plumber named Dale
That man still has that toilet seat
For the thing's still glued to his tail


© All Rights Reserved

My wife says I need glasses
But I don't think I do
Cause I fed that monkey a banana
One evening at the zoo

She said, "You know that's not a monkey"
But I would disagree
She said, "You knew that was my mama"
Well, it looked like a monkey to me

I can see as good as always
And I don't bump into the wall
I only got lost a couple of times
While walking down the hall

Things might be a little blurry
I just need a little sleep
So don't worry about these peepers
They still have plenty of peep

I still see that hairy monkey
I just act like it's not there
My wife still says it's her mama
Underneath that monkey hair

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And all through the forest
All the turkeys were gathered
From the richest to poorest

For a meeting was called
To plan their revenge
For all of their loved ones
Who were ever cooked or singed

Now this turkey rebellion
Was long overdue
How would they get even?
And what would they do?

I was there that night
When their meeting adjourned
Keep reading this poem
To see what I learned

This meeting went on
For what seemed like an hour
'Til a gobbler stepped forth
In their circle of power

Now all the turkeys agreed
To this gobbler's idea
They'd all eat some exlax
And give them diarrhea

No matter how they cooked it
Bake it or boil it
The humans would spend
All day on the toilet

So, remember this Thanksgiving
As you try to relax
Have plenty of TP
For those sudden attacks

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
I'm sure you remember that song
Well that was my grandma who was hit
And again, they got part of it wrong

See, she really was run over by reindeer
But it was nothing like they said
Those deer were driving a milk truck
That left my poor grandma nearly dead

My poor grandma just got done milking
And was putting the cows back in the field
When eight drunk reindeer in a milk truck
Crashed thru the fence and didn't yield

They just kept on going thru the barn yard
Straight thru the creek and down the hill
Grandma looked like a bug on a windshield
With pieces of her wig on that milk truck's grill

Now poor grandma never seen it coming
Cause she was looking the other way
We even found that poor womans glasses
Stuck on a scarecrow near the hay

Well, now my grandma had not been drinking
Like that song had claimed she was
But somehow they try to make it funny
Seems like those city folk always does

Well, that's about as much as I can tell you
Because the lawsuit is still pending
Those reindeer got some north pole lawyer
And we heard he's pretty good at defending

So beware of reindeer driving milktrucks
For they mean to cause your grandma harm
And don't forget try to remind your grandmas
To look both ways when she leaves the barn

Frozen solid in a block of ice
A wedding ring shines bright
The blizzard came out of nowhere
Trapping her in the night

Three days later they find her body
Frozen from her head to her toes
A stranger all alone lost in the snow
A woman that nobody knows

They brought her body back to town
And laid her in the stable
What happened next was miraculous
Some say only a fable

Weeks went by that turned to months
But her body would never decay
She looked the same as the day she was found
Until that faithful day

A farmer in the spring was plowing his field
And the bones of a man was found
A wedding ring was glistening in the sun
Where he laid on top of the ground

They brought the bones back to town
And laid them beside his bride
As soon as the two were together again
Her skin became broken and dried

They buried them both beneath an oak
That stood between two springs
When no names were found to write on the cross
They mounted their wedding rings

If I could be a cartoon character
Which one would I be
I thought about being Fred Flinstone
But he's too old-fashioned for me

And then there's maybe George Jetson
A man who knew electronics
Nothing like Yosemite Sam
Who needed to be hooked on phonics

And what about Shaggy and ******
You gotta love those ****** snacks
I've never really considered a Smurf
And their tiny little mushroom shacks

Or maybe I'd become a super hero
Who comes to save the day
Batman , Green Hornet or Underdog
Who puts the bad guys away

Maybe I'd live in Jellystone Park
Where Yogi is still the king
For "Hello Mr Ranger Sir"
Is just the funniest thing



© All Rights Reserved

Once a year they'll disappear
To a place their wives can't go
With chicken wings and other things
To watch the super bowl

A place where chick flicks don't abide
For testosterone rules this place
A place where a man can be a man
With no girly stuff or lace

A place so secret even the FBI
Don't know of its existence
It's guarded by lots of ***** traps
And mans undying persistence

A place where women cannot enter
I'm talking about their wives
A secret knock will open the door
To a land of beer and high fives

So if your husbands disappear
Without even a kiss or a wave
He's only gone for once a year
To visit his secret Man Cave

There's nothing worse on God's green earth
Than a woman with ultimate power
She'll time you when you sit on the throne
And it better not take an hour

Imagine if there was a Woman ******
Man would we be *******
You know, a woman who thinks she knows it all
But you would still swear she's a dude

A dinky little mustache beneath her nose
And a unibrow that looks like it's winkin'
I never noticed but the stubble on her chin
Kinda looks a little like Abraham Lincoln

This Woman ****** will change the world
And make slaves of all the men
She'd make a decloration that watching football
Would be the unpardonable sin

I bet you didn't know if you rearrange the letters
She's known to one and all
Just rearrange the letters in Woman ******
It's gonna spell Mother in law

I buried an angel, on top of the hill
Under the magnolia tree
Her wings are long since silent
But she still means the world to me

The magnolia's flowers, cover her grave
Decorated in majestic white
She said the scent was Heaven's perfume
And their smell was pure delight

I was married to this angel for 41 years
Before Heaven called her away
I knew she had to leave this world
Even tho I begged her to stay

I know that my loss, is Heaven's gain
I guess they were one angel short
I know they wouldn't have taken her
Unless it was the last resort

Sometimes when I start missing her
I can't wait til the magnolias bloom
We can sit and talk for hours
While smelling their sweet perfume

She said this is as close to Heaven
As anyone could ever be
So I buried her on the hillside
Under that magnolia tree

Touch not the heart that doth not beat for you
Plant not the seed of sin that grows to lust
David and Bathsheba already knew
The fire that burned within would ****** trust

Keep not hidden this flame that tempts thy soul
Cast out the embers that cause thee to fail
Why keep a flame that thou cannot control?
Doth not the embers spread that lead to hell?

Temptation comes in many hidden forms
The forbidden fruit grows on many trees
Why cause the winds to blow that bring life's storms?
Rather be content with the gentle breeze

Let not the eyes condemn thy very soul
Cast out thy lust and keep thy body whole

I have seen Medusa
She's as wicked as can be
She never utters a single word
She just sits and stares at me

Her hair looks like a nest of snakes
Her eyes a piercing red
She's already turned my heart to stone
And my mind is almost dead

Her smile looks like she's constipated
You know, that I need exlax grin
I think she was the serpent of Eden
Cause she sure is as ugly as sin

Many men have tried to tame her
A dangerous journey to embark
But now they're covered with pigeon ****
Like a statue in the park

This could be my final poem
That's written on my own
For the next time I see my mother-in-law (Medusa)
I'll surely be turned to stone



© All Rights Reserved

For all who have been wondering
Let me set the story straight
About the hillbilly holidays
Before it gets too late

We don't have an Easter possum
This tale is just a myth
It's a cute little bunny with a basket
To collect our Easter eggs with

And Cupid don't wear overalls
And fly around with a gun
He shoots them tiny little arrows
But we know it's all in fun

And Santa still has his reindeer
Not a horse tied to his sleigh
We leave him milk and cookies
Not moonshine like they say

The Tooth Fairy is not toothless
This simply isn't true
She always leaves us money
Just like the rest of you

And of course that leaves Thanksgiving
So what else could I say
We eat turkey like everyone else
On this Hillbilly Holiday

So now that everyone understands
That hillbilly is just a name
It don't matter where you live
Our holidays are all the same

Hillbillies are like everyone else
And there's nothing for you to fear
If you ever have anymore questions
Well, Ya'll come back now, hear?

The air I breathe is poison
Filled with toxic love
With each breath I take, I suffocate
For it's you I'm thinking of

I'm dying from the inside out
A little more each day
An infection of your rejection
And it will not go away

A fatal disease without a cure
My heart will turn to stone
It won't be long before I'm gone
I feel so all alone

My soul cries out in agony
The pain, too much to bear
Growing fast, this cancerous past
A coma of despair

I die a slow and painful death
Drowning in my tears
A broken heart, that's torn apart
Withers. then disappears

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills
The kinfolk were drinkin' as they tend to their stills

The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care
No stockings were found, just underwear

The children were nestled so high in their bunks
Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks

Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee
Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree

From out of the barn there arose such a noise
We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys

But what to my wandering eye should appear
It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere

And then from the rooftop we heard it at last
Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast

We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here
Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer

Venison all covered with onions for stew
And even old Santa enjoyed some too

His belly was full when he walked out the door
But he couldn't resist when we offered him more

Well that's the story of our Christmas here
Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year


© All Rights Reserved

One night while I was sleeping
The bed began to shake
I knew right then without a doubt
That I was wide awake

Here they come once again
To take me for a ride
I saw their flying saucer
It was much too late to hide

So I put on my old blue jeans
And headed for the door
When I saw this giant beam of light
That ****** me off the floor

I knew exactly what they wanted
And no they didn't use a probe
They didn't **** my brains out
Or even ask me to disrobe

They were looking for a hillbilly
To teach them a thing or two
Like how to skin a possum
And how to make rattlesnake stew

Them aliens were some friendly folk
They said they liked the way I talked
They told me that was the reason
That I was the one they stalked

They asked me about beef jerky
And how to tan a hide
I showed them my old **** dog
As they watched me beam with pride

They said they really liked my truck
And wanted to take it for a spin
So I stuck that thing in four-wheel drive
And you should have seen them grin

When the night was finally over
I thought I heard them say
We'll be coming back real soon
As I watched them fly away

I only had one problem
As I sat there on the ground
Them aliens done up and stole
My very best blue tick hound

I bet you didn't know that the 7 dwarfs
Used to work for Santa Claus
Yep, they all got fired from the north pole
Cause they kept breaking too many laws

See, Doc was the north pole physician
He tended to those who were afflicted
But he was writing too many prescriptions
And three hundred elves got addicted

Then we have the dwarf called Sneezy
Sneezy became a problem too
Everywhere he goes he's blowing his nose
And they all came down with the flu

Next we have the dwarf named Sleepy
Now this one should speak for itself
He was always found somewhere laying down
Curled up in a corner on a shelf

Then there's the dwarf called Bashful
This one was just way too shy
And when they finally gave him his pink slip
He was too embarrassed to say goodbye

That brings us to the dwarf named Happy
Now he was just a bundle of joy
But they just couldn't get him to do any work
Cause he was always playing with a toy

And of course we can't forget about *****
This one always did what they said
But he was a little slow, if you know what I mean
And they think he was dropped on his head

And last but not least we have Grumpy
He would stay out drinking all night
Now he was the the north pole's problem child
Cause he was always starting a fight

Well that's the end of my story
And I really hope you're not annoyed
Did I tell you Snow White fired them too?
Yep, all seven dwarfs are unemployed



© All Rights Reserved

He gives her a pink carnation
It's the first prom she'll ever attend
She's waited so long for this moment
So she can't wait for it to begin

Her daddy says, "Have her back by midnight"
He says, "Yes sir", as he opens her door
When she sits down, he pulls from the driveway
As the bottle rolls out in the floor

She says, "I didn't think we were drinking"
As he held the bottle to his lips
She says, "Stop it, what are you thinking?"
He says, "Come on just take a couple sips"

She promised her dad that she wouldn't
And she always tried keep her word
The sound of a car horn blowing
Was that last sound that she ever heard

The ran off the road, down the embankment
And Into the side of a tree
She didn't know that he'd already been drinking
And was as drunk as he could possibly be

He gives her a pink carnation
It's the first prom she'll ever attend
She's waited so long for this moment
So she can't wait for it to begin

I bet you didn't know that the 7 dwarfs
Used to work for Santa Claus
Yep, they all got fired from the north pole
Cause they kept breaking too many laws

See, Doc was the north pole physician
He tended to those who were afflicted
But he was writing too many prescriptions
And three hundred elves got addicted

Then we have the dwarf called Sneezy
Sneezy became a problem too
Everywhere he goes he's blowing his nose
And they all came down with the flu

Next we have the dwarf named Sleepy
Now this one should speak for itself
He was always found somewhere laying down
Curled up in a corner on a shelf

Then there's the dwarf called Bashful
This one was just way too shy
And when they finally gave him his pink slip
He was too embarressed to say goodbye

That brings us to the dwarf named Happy
Now he was just a bundle of joy
But they just couldn't get him to do any work
Cause he was always playing with the toys

And of course we can't forget about *****
This one always did what they said
But he was a little slow, if you know what I mean
And they think he was dropped on his head

And last but not least we have Grumpy
He would stay out drinking all night
Now he was the the north pole's problem child
Cause he was always starting all the fights

Well that's the end of my story
And I really hope you're not annoyed
Did I tell you Snow White fired them too?
Yep, all seven dwarfs are unemployed

The 7 wonders of the world
Is quite a sight to see
But it don't compare to what we have
In the hills of Tennessee

Uncle Zebs cow is a big ole thing
Quite a sight to behold
That cow's so big that when they milk her
Her udders even have to unfold

Cousin Zeke has a six-legged mule
And man that thing is fast
One time he raced a bobcat
And the bobcat finished last

My granny's teeth are made of wood
Of course, they were bought from a store
But ever since that termite season
She don't use them much no more

Aunt Imojean has a twine collection
That she started when she was three
I guess if we unwound that thing
It'd reach clear 'cross Tennessee

Cousin Jake has a rattlesnake
He pickled and stuffed in a jar
He caught that thing a year ago
Trying to run off with his car

Uncle Randolph has this chicken
Who howls and barks at the moon
That poor chicken is so dadgum old
That she has to be fed with a spoon

Uncle Sam has the seventh wonder
An invisible moonshine still
We ain't seen it since he made it
But it's somewhere on that hill

So, after you think you've seen it all
You haven't seen anything yet
Come to the hills of Tennessee
And see things you'll never forget

Bewildered, I walk this barren place
A place my soul can't feel
Too much damage to ever turn back
A place my soul can't heal

Forgotten dreams adorn my path
With seas of liquid pain
Broken promises, my only friend
The scars are all that remain

Mistakes I've made are my shadow
They follow where ever I go
A regretful heart refusing to beat
But shouting I told you so

Memories becoming a stain in my mind
Illusions now taking their place
Reprobate, not knowing right from wrong
Hope, overcome by disgrace

Unfaithful souls walk in this place
A place where it's ever too late
Turn away from the one that you love
And this will be your fate

There's nothing funny about flatuence
My wife has it all the time
Course she always blames it on me
And I'll always say, yes dear, it's mine

The worst time, is on those cold nights
With the covers pulled over my head
The sweet aroma of, "What in the world was that?"
It drives me right out of my bed

Now I'm not saying that it's stinky
Okay, yes I am
I even got her beano for Christmas
Well, cause, I'm just that kind of man

Now see, everytime that it happens
Her and my dog, point at each other
Then the dog puts a pillow over his face
Til I think he will surely smother

(Whispers) Wait just a minute, my wife walked in
I can't let her see what I'm writing
Cause if she knows that I told you
Then the rest of the night we'll be fighting

Okay, she's gone, anyway she's stinky
Flatuence, has got to be a sin
For there's always something evil
That seeping out of her rear end

Now, I have literally tried everything
And I don't know what else to do
I love her, so I guess I'll accept it
While holding my nose and saying "Shoo"

There's places in the dark, where screams are void
For you can never hear a broken heart cry
They're hidden beneath a veil of pain
Where they break, but will not die

Their tears become their only words
For they're just too broken to speak
And though they try to love again
They're just too empty and weak

They've buried the broken promises
In a place where no one can find
They've scattered all their hopes and dreams
And their futures of every kind

Their emotions stay silent, all but one
And it's wrapped in an ocean of tears
There's no such thing as faith and hope
And love, just simply disappears

They never turn back, from where they came
For they know it's a dead end street
Their hearts lay silent, without a sound
And they're still, refusing to beat



© All Rights Reserved

Her tears fade the paper
As the ink begins to run
She'll find no peace inside her
Until her work is done

Her emotions hold her captive
As she writes with all her might
She struggles with her passion
Til late into the night

She has to tell her story
As she brushes away the stains
The poet keeps on writing
As her teardrops fall like rain

A heart that's once been broken
Will guide her skillful hand
She's writing from her emptyness
Hoping all will understand

She writes until she's hollow
Or her heartache finally relents
Her tears become her poetry
Each time the poet laments

Nature makes its own decisions
It decides who lives or dies
Like the hunger of a common bluebird
Who's driven by her baby's cries

Now even the housefly will do the same
Driven by its hunger, they seek
Trying its best to avoid its doom
By way of the bluebird's beak

Somewhere soon their paths will cross
And the strong will devour the weak
Nature's design, cannot be broken
And the housefly's future looks bleak

Then out of the sky, lightning strikes
As the bluebird falls to the ground
A naked power line decides her fate
And the housefly's feast, has been found

It's funny to see how nature works
Pondering while wondering why
Things are nothing like they appear
Like the bluebird and the fly

The baby can't stop crying
As she places it in the box
She finds a dumpster to throw it in
As she walks along the docks

There was nothing else, she could do
A mother, at only fifteen
She hurries away as fast as she can
As she hears her baby scream

A runaway, she's all alone
An addict, for years on crack
Her baby left alone to die
But still, she won't turn back

Thrown away, like a piece of trash
A baby, without a name
An innocent child abandoned
By a mother who bears no blame

Another victim of circumstance
Shamelessly, cast aside
With no one there to hear it's cries
The abandoned baby died

I wish I could write a poem that rhymes
I've tried to do it a million times, or more
The words never seem for me to come
At least not as easy as it does for some, people

I just don't know what I should do
To get my words to rhyme like you, can
Well one of these days maybe I will
I'll finally write something I feel, inside

Why can't I find these words I seek?
Sometimes I hunt for more than a week, or two
I won't give up just wait and see
One day these words will come to me, maybe

Oh Wizard of Words lend me your ear
Help me to rhyme these words right here, sometimes
I think I can, well maybe I might
Think of a rhyme for me to write, today

No one will ever know my name
If my words don't rhyme or sound the same, way
I've finally come to my conclusion
Did you notice this poem's an optical illusion, of sorts?







Read it again and stop at the commas

The tree outside her window
Watched as the little girl cried
It often became her refuge
Offering her a place to hide

Perched upon its crooked limbs
Her tears dripped from its leaves
A cry for help that goes unheard
For years no one believes

Each night he came to find her
With whiskey on his breath
It's been this way for way too long
Since her mother's untimely death

The tree of whispers saw it all
The stories this tree could tell
The secrets found among its leaves
Tells of her living hell

One day the girl went missing
Her body was never found
But the wind still tells her secrets
When the leaves fall to the ground

Halloween's here it's the end of summer
Costumes it seems, keep getting dumber
I'm fixing the kitchen sink
And my wife said, "Let me think"
Pull up your pants or go as a plumber

Trembling in my bed tonight
I cannot close my eyes
The movie on the late, late show
Says everybody dies

Now some say I'm a scaredy cat
But tonight is Halloween
What if someone kidnaps me,
And tries to eat my spleen?

I know there's no great pumpkin
Okay, maybe there is
What if he puts a spell on me,
And tries to make me his?

And I think that there's a monster
Who lives beneath my bed
I shiver and shake and stay awake
With covers over my head

There's something outside my window
And shadows on my wall
I think I hear some rattling chains
From the ghosts that's in the hall

Right then I hear this eerie voice
And feel this clammy hand
My wife says, "Hush and go to sleep,
You're supposed to be a man"

I learned how to weave a basket
To carry my shattered dreams
Its bottom deep and reinforced
And bursting at the seams

I learned how to weave a basket
To carry my broken smile
I emptied my happy endings
And filled it with denial

I learned how to weave a basket
To carry all of your lies
Though it's stained with liquid pain
That's flowing from my eyes

I learned how to weave a basket
To carry my memories in
They slip away a little each day
For the bottom's way too thin

I learned how to weave a basket
To carry my broken heart
But this basket isn't big enough
I've known it from the start

I only shoot to **** my food
Not for pride or pleasure
I hunt the meat we all can eat
Not for a mantlepiece treasure

But late one night I was lying in bed
And someone was at my door
I jumped to my feet like a ninja in heat
And crawled across my floor

It was dark inside my livingroom
But I could see a silhouette
The next thing I saw took my breath
It's something I'll never forget

A deer was wearing a ski mask
His antlers poked out the top
I jumped to my feet as fast as I could
And yelled, "Bambi you better stop"

He turned around and began to charge
I screamed for my wife to get back
He pulled a knife and cut my arm
With another sneak attack

He chased me down the hallway
The bathroom my only hope
But when I tried to get inside
He lassoed me with his rope

He tied me up and robbed my house
My wife was under the bed
He went through all of our dresser drawers
Her underwear on top his head

He finally left, the house was a mess
There were hoofprints everywhere
He took the remote to our color Tv
And even our silverware

Before he left he pointed and laughed
And called me a crazy old geezer
But my wife is scared and cannot rest
Until I put him in my freezer

You've heard the story of Goldilocks
And the bears that chased her away
But now it's time to tell the truth
'Cause it didn't really happen that way

Goldilocks weighed four hundred pounds
She'd eat anything in sight
And It didn't matter what it was
She still had to have one bite

The whole town knew of her appetite
So they locked their food in storage
And that just left those poor little bears
Who was just trying to cool their porridge

Now she could smell food a mile away
For she had an amazing snout
But still she waited to make certain
Those bears had ventured out

She didn't just break one of those chairs
She actually broke all three
Remember, she weighed four hundred pounds,
And was as fat as she could be?

Well, she ate up all their porridge
And anything else she could find
Ofcourse that made her sleepy
With only one thing on her mind

She wandered into the bedroom
And broke each one of their beds
So she curled up on the floor to sleep
With three pillows under her head

While she slept, those bears came home
And they were as hungry as could be
Did I mention she broke the remote control
To the bear's big screen tv?

Anyway, the bears had finally had it
That's all that they could take
In their rage they didn't notice
That goldilocks was now awake

So they trapped her in the corner
And were poised for the attack
But goldilocks was still hungry
And was looking for a snack

Needless to say she ate those bears
I know this story seems crude
But I'm just trying to warn you
To make sure you hide your food



© All Rights Reserved

Paint me a picture and make it smile
Help me see through my pain
No more words from broken hearts
Or tears that fall like rain

Paint me a picture of a moonlit lake
Or love birds singing their song
No more cheating or lying words
Or doing somebody wrong

Paint me a picture of love's first kiss
Or two people holding hands
No more stories of broken promises
Or senseless one night stands

Paint me a picture of happy endings
Or of death until they part
No more stories of dying young
That tears my heart apart

Paint me a picture as poet's do
Like only you can tell
Paint me a picture to let me know
That in your heart, all is well


© All Rights Reserved

My wife said write a love poem
So that's what I will do
Someone said that roses are red
Or was it violets are blue?

Oh well, you understand my meaning
You know what I'm trying to say
Your eyes are like a pickled beet
So stop looking at me that way

Your kiss is like a bathroom plunger
Each time you **** my face
Your smile looks like a circus clown
That came from outer space

Your breath smells like an armpit
That brings me to my knees
Your hair is like a brillo pad
As stiff as a summer breeze

Your voice is like a banshee in heat
My wife say's, "That's Enough!!!"
I tried to tell her I don't know how
To write this mushy stuff

Death stands knocking at my door
"Go away" I scream, "Go away"
But he chooses only to ignore
And not listen to what I say

He keeps peering through my windows
Looking for a way, to enter in
While making subtle innuendos
About the kind of person I've been

Ever knocking, he will not leave
Trying to get my attention
His subliminal messages I receive
That tells of his evil intention

I keep hearing him knocking, every hour
He will not let me sleep
Holding me captive, with his evil power
Ever chasing my soul to reap

Knocking, knocking, knocking
His cadence is driving me mad
My fear, he's continuously mocking
Envading what dreams I've had

Then his knocking suddenly disappears
As silence now rings in my head
Maddness has overtaken my fears
Or maybe this means I'm dead

Now, here's the story of Rip Van Winkle
The true story, not the lie
They always want to hide the truth
I'll just never understand why

You see, Rip Van Winkle was married
To a woman, who always nagged
And that poor dude was bored all the time
Cause his internet always lagged

So, he climbed up in his recliner
And decided to take a little nap
When, out of the blue, the Sleeping Spider
Went and crawled up in his lap

Now, Rip knew about that spider
But still, he just couldn't resist
For if he let that spider bite him
They'd be no "honey do" list

Well, that spider sunk his fangs in
Then jumped back on the floor
It wasn't long, Rip closed his eyes
And man, that guy could snore

Now, a wicked smile even crossed his face
As he leaned back in his chair
For, when he awoke, she'd would be gone
But Rip, just simply didn't care

Well a hundred years just flew by
And his wife was surely dead
But when he finally opened his eyes
She lay beside him in the bed

She awoke while still clutching
"The list" for a hundred years
For the spider had bitten her also
And it brought the man to tears

But this story has a happy ending
Cause dial-up was a thing of the past
They decided to finally get broadband
And his internet was fast at last

Thou shall not plagiarize other people's work
The first commandment for a poet
It's a shame that some people do it
While others simply don't know it

A poem doesn't always have to rhyme
The second commandment we must obey
But some people choose not to listen
Regardless of what others might say

A poem can be about anything you want
The third commandment sends some people reeling
They think it can't be a poem at all
Unless it's something to do with our feelings

Thou shall not criticize others unjustly
The fourth commandment we must adhere
They don't need their creation destroyed
It's constructive critisim they want to here

A poem can be any length you choose
The fifth commandment we all must follow
For if they were all made the same
It would surely be hollow

The vocabulary is strictly up to the poet
The sixth commandment is the poet's choice
He alone can decide the words to use
That will best give him his voice

Inspiration can come from anywhere we like
The seventh commandment we all hold true
Everyone has their writer's block moments
So whatever helps us get through

The poet can write any form they want
The eighth commandment is a must
The poet knows the style they like best
And their choices we're obliged to trust

Poetry is all a matter of taste
The ninth commandment is just like the rest
The reader must choose what's dear to his heart
And the poems that he likes the best

Never alienate your readers
The tenth commandment speaks for itself
Cause if you act like you're better than them
Your books will stay on the shelf

Here's another story, I just made up
About a mailman, that we'll call "Tom"
He was kinda ugly, bald and fat
He really wasn't the bomb

Tom was nice to everyone
As crazy as that sounds
He'd always wave and say "Hello"
As he made his morning rounds

"Here's your mail" we heard him say
As he smiled and tipped his hat
Did I mention he was kinda ugly
Even bald and fat?

Now here's when the story changes
But everyone try to stay calm
For we caught him looking in windows
Yep, he was a peeping Tom

He was doing so much more, you see
Than just delivering the mail
He was spying on the neighbors
With a video camera as well

He just cried and said he was sorry
As he told us he was blind
I spoke up and said, " Let him go"
And they thought I was just being kind

The crowd was turned to an angry mob
As they all began to scowl
'Til I told them the last thing he saw
Was my mother-in-law in only a towel

That poor man was punished enough
That image will haunt his mind
My mother-in-law wanted his number
She said, "A boyfriend is hard to find"

Well that's the end of my story
That's all I have to tell
Just always remember to pull your shades
When your mailman delivers your mail

The rose petals blush
As the thorns protect her smile
And the stem holds her

Can someone tell me where to go
To mend a broken heart?
For such a place is hard to find
I know not where to start

I've searched under explanation
But it simply wasn't found
I've called out to compassion
But it didn't make a sound

I've looked behind my broken dreams
But neither was it there
I've cried out to all reason
But no one seemed to care

I've prayed for understanding
But no one ever hears
I've searched for hope in hopelessness
To wipe away my tears

Can someone tell me where to go
To mend a broken heart?
A wound that's ever growing
Has torn my soul apart


© All Rights Reserved

She walks alone down the dusty road
On a night without a moon
She knows if he ever finds her
That her life will end too soon

For now he knows of her infidelity
That she's hidden from him for years
She pulls her hair back out of her eyes
And she wipes away her tears

"I still love you", she softly mumbles
As his car pulls by her side
He says, "Get in the car, we need to talk"
As he takes her for a ride

He says, "I love you too, we can work this out"
For he loved her way too much
He reaches for her tear stained hand
Cause he's aching to feel her touch

She smiles and take his hand
Not expecting it to end like this
They lean across the seat
And embrace in a passionate kiss

He grabs her wrist and won't let go
As she sees the coming light
He aims his car in oncoming traffic
As he holds her oh so tight

"Why are you doing this?, she asked
He said, "Because of all of your lies"
The last thing she heard him say
Was "I love you" and then she dies

It took them several hours
To clean up the twisted mess
When they found her husbands body
He had her picture on his chest

A note was found beside him
That told of her affair
It said if he couldn't have her
He wasn't going to share

Why it had to end like this
No one truly knows
But the place where they found her body
Stands a crimson rose

I chased that thing all morning
But he always got away
He must have found a hiding place
Somewhere safe to stay

He was on the kitchen table
Then on the bedroom door
I probably looked like an idiot
Crawling across the floor

I chased him to the fireplace
Then too the window screen
On to the kitchen counter
Was the last place he was seen

While trying to eat my breakfast
He just sit there staring at me
I finally caught him just for a second
But again that thing got free

I decided that he was smarter than me
So I gave up and went to bed
That's when I heard a mighty swat!!!
For my wife had killed him dead

A poem is just a teardrop
A form of liquid pain
Released to pen and paper
Our words become a stain

The hurt that's bottled up inside
Can come out through our eyes
Promises made, but never kept
Are nothing but liquid lies

As the teardrop hits the paper
The words begin to form
Releasing all the pain inside
To calm the coming storm

Heartache is just another word
That's written by our tears
The pain becomes the writer's quill
'Til a little relief appears

A poem is just a teardrop
That's worded carefully
Liquid pain becomes a stain
And sets the poet free

You've heard the story of Goldilocks
And the bears that chased her away
But now it's time to tell the truth
'Cause it didn't really happen that way

Goldilocks weighed four hundred pounds
She'd eat anything in sight
And It didn't matter what it was
She still had to have one bite

The whole town knew of her appetite
So they locked their food in storage
And that just left those poor little bears
Who was just trying to cool their porridge

Now she could smell food a mile away
For she had an amazing snout
But she waited to make certain
Those bears had ventured out

She didn't just break one of those chairs
She actually broke all three
Remember, she weighed four hundred pounds,
And was as fat as she could be?

Well, she ate up all their porridge
And anything else she could find
Ofcourse that made her sleepy
With only one thing on her mind

She wandered into the bedroom
And broke each one of their beds
So she curled up on the floor to sleep
With three pillows under her head

While she slept, those bears came home
And they were as hungry as could be
Did I mention she broke the remote control
To the bear's big screen tv?

Anyway, the bears had finally had it
That's all that they could take
In their rage they didn't notice
That goldilocks was now awake

So they trapped her in the corner
And were poised for the attack
But goldilocks was still hungry
And was looking for a snack

Needless to say she ate those bears
I know this story seems crude
But I'm just trying to warn you all
To make sure you hide your food

I've seen the face of evil
It tried to stare me down
It expected me to run
But instead I stood my ground

Its eyes were bloodshot red
Like a ****** high on ****
Its teeth were in a glass
It tried to gum me half to death

Its nose was like a cactus root
Twenty times compounded
I've never seen a cactus root
I just like the way it sounded

A **** stood high upon its back
That looked like a wayward camel
Covered in hair from head to toe
It just had to be a mammal

Horns fastened atop its head
It had such a horrible growl
Each time it did, it would drool a bit
So I gave it a paper towel

I'm telling you this thing was evil
I think it wanted my soul
I finally tried to run away
But the thing wouldn't let me go

It grabbed a hold of my belt loop
And I was pulling with all my might
I think it gave me a ******
Cause my underwear was gettin' tight

The beast was trying to **** me
Then someone turned on the light
If you think it was mother-in-law
Then, once again, you're right

While driving down a country road
One dark and lonely night
My engine began to spit and sputter
From a strange and mysterious light

I saw this little green spaceman
With antennas on his head
He was standing beside my window
And this is what he said

"Take me to your leader,
Or we will end your life"
So I did exactly what he said
And I took him to my wife

When I got home my wife was mad
And asked me where I've been
I told her about my crazy night
And about those little green men

She asked if I'd been drinking
And I don't drink a drop
About that time that spaceman yelled,
"Okay now, everybody stop"

Now my wife was really ******
And said, "Who do you think you are?"
She grabbed him by his spaceman ear
And drug him from that car

Now, there she was in curlers
With that spaceman by his ear
I think he might have peed himself
As he stood there in all his fear

Now you may not believe my story
But I've got a souvenir
When they beamed that spaceman back to his ship
My wife held on to his ear

So if you ever see a UFO
Don't scream and run for your life
Just take him to your leader
And by leader I mean, my wife