Held captive by her agony
Her quill, the hero's sword
She writes like a damsel in distress
With freedom as her reward

Her knights in shining armor
Are the words that set her free
They surround her pain in one accord
To slay her misery

This dragon known as "Heartache"
Has left the poet maim
The words she writes will heal her soul
And extinguish the dragon's flame

The sword once more in the poet's hand
Gathers together her knights
Each hero lands a lethal blow
Whenever the poet writes

The poet lays her weapon down
Rescued from all her pain
The damsel closes her eyes to sleep
Her dragon finally slain

While looking in the mirror
What do you think I saw?
It had to be the best looking dude
That left me in total awe

He looks like one of them movie stars
That's up on the movie screen
Jet black hair, with pouty lips
You know the kind I mean

He looks like somebody famous
Where everybody knows his name
He's probably gonna be a millionaire
Destined for fortune and fame

I told my wife how lucky she is
To have a man like me
She just rolled her eyes and said, "Okay"
And then she said, "I see"

"You're a good looking man that's for sure,
But I don't know how to tell this,
That's not the mirror you're looking at,
It's a velvet picture of Elvis"

He left His home in paradise
And stepped through the portal of time
He chose to come and pay the price
And die for another's crime

Leaving all He knew behind
His throne was empty and bare
Knowing the only thing He'd find
Was a lowly carpenter's chair

He who made the Heavens and Earth
Had no place to lay His head
He becomes a man through ****** birth
A King without a bed

From a manger to a rugged cross
To set the whole world free
Both Heaven and Earth felt the loss
That day on Calvary

To die for a stranger, a sinners death
Ten thousand angels at His command
Father forgive them still on His breath
A Journey, I'll never understand

A poem is just a teardrop
A form of liquid pain
Released to pen and paper
Our words become a stain

The hurt that's bottled up inside
Can come out through our eyes
Promises made, but never kept
Are nothing but liquid lies

As the teardrop hits the paper
The words begin to form
Releasing all the pain inside
To calm the coming storm

Heartache is just another word
That's written by our tears
The pain becomes the writers quill
'Til a little relief appears

A poem is just a teardrop
That's worded carefully
Liquid pain becomes a stain
And sets the poet free

I only shoot to **** my food
Not for pride or pleasure
I hunt the meat we all can eat
Not for a mantlepiece treasure

But late one night I was lying in bed
And someone was at my door
I jumped to my feet like a ninja in heat
And crawled across my floor

It was dark inside my livingroom
But I could see a silhouette
The next thing I saw took my breath
It's something I'll never forget

A deer was wearing a ski mask
His antlers poked out the top
I jumped to my feet as fast as I could
And yelled, "Bambi you better stop"

He turned around and began to charge
I screamed for my wife to get back
He pulled a knife and cut my arm
With another sneak attack

He chased me down the hallway
The bathroom my only hope
But when I tried to get inside
He lassoed me with his rope

He tied me up and robbed my house
My wife was under the bed
He went through all of our dresser drawers
Her underwear on top his head

He finally left, the house was a mess
There were hoofprints everywhere
He took the remote to our color Tv
And even our silverware

Before he left he pointed and laughed
And called me a crazy old geezer
But my wife is scared and cannot rest
Until I put him in my freezer

I first learned to dance when I was four
But my kids won't let me do it no more
They say I look like a perv
The way I wiggle a swerve
They say I even embarrass the floor

I've chased some rainbows in my day
I've even caught a few
But it couldn't buy me happiness
Or make the world look new

It couldn't make my pain go away
Or even wipe my tears
It didn't offer no comforting words
Or calm my deepest fears

It couldn't show me right from wrong
Or pick me up, when I fall
It's never there when I need a friend
Or hear me when I call

It never made me feel whole inside
Like I do each time I pray
It couldn't light my darkest nights
To help me find my way

The rainbow can keep its *** of gold
And you may consider me odd
But I'm no longer chasing rainbows
For now I'm following God

Easter is more than what we see
It's something we can feel
The mighty stone was rolled away
That stood as the borrowed tomb's seal

He's Risen, He's Risen the women cried
For it's just an empty grave
Death is no longer His master
For He is no longer death's Slave

Oh grave, where is thy victory?
And death, where is thy sting?
The Resurrection has taken place
As the Angels began to sing,

"Today is the day Salvation is born
Along with Mercy and Grace
The King of Kings has returned to His Throne
To take His Rightful Place"

So remember, this Sunday as you celebrate
That He has Risen, who died
For it's not just the things that we see
It's what we feel inside

Did I mention that I'm scared of heights?
Well, I guess I probably just did
See, that's the reason my step ladder
Well, my wife, makes sure it's hid

Now I can climb anything at all
But my problem is coming back down
Even if I'm standing on a step stool
It feels like twenty feet from the ground

Now, I'm also a little claustrophobic
Okay, maybe, I am a lot
I feel like the walls are closing in
Even tho, I know that they're not

I also have a touch of arachnophobia
A fear of spiders, not ants
Cause everytime I see one, I scream
And it causes me to wet my pants

Okay, stop laughing, that's not funny
Cause I'm a little bit scared of humor
See, I used to play practical jokes
Til they told me it would cause a tumor

You've heard, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself?"
You guessed it, I'm scared of being scared
Now, you better stop makin' fun of me
Don't make me regeret that I shared

You already know what scares me the most
Yep, it's my mother-in-law
The most hideous creature to walk the earth
By far, the scariest of all

Okay, I'm scared to end this poem
What if I can't think of anything else to write?
LOL, I know you know that I'm kidding
Everyone knows me by now, tho, Right?

He never asked for anything
When they nailed Him to the tree
His only crime was stepping through time
To set the whole world free

He made the moon and all the stars
Then hung them in the sky
The one true Light that shined so bright
Would close His eyes and die

He made the flowers and all the trees
But one became the cross
The dogwood tree would forever be
The tree that brought our loss

He made the rivers and all the seas
But the thing I hate the worst
Before He died the Savior cried
These words, He said, "I Thirst"

Temptation is a being
That forces us to explore
Enticing secret desires
That keeps us wanting more

He always knows our weakness
And promises things we crave
Our addictions all run wild
Til we become his slave

Temptation knows no boundaries
He cares not who we are
He leads us down a endless path
Until we've gone too far

He's known to come in many forms
And wears a thin disguise
He's shrouded in deception
To make us believe his lies

The next time you are tempted
Don't follow his instruction
Or you will surely find yourself
On a path to sudden destruction

Today I burned your letters
Filled with all your lies
The smell of broken promises
Even stung my eyes

I tore up all your pictures
And cast them in the flame
I washed my hands a thousand times
To free me of your shame

I tried to burn my memories
But the fire was way too hot
So I'll wait 'til you mean nothing
And be glad that I forgot

I tried to burn your kisses
But my lips couldn't reach the fire
So I found me someone new to love
That fills me with desire

Tomorrow I won't know you
It's her I'm thinking of
You'll no longer matter
Today I'm burning love

Leaves, Autumn's snowflakes
Yellow and red paint the ground
Trees are trimmed in gold
Pushed by the whispering winds
Sharing their hidden treasure

The frost bites the earth
Sending a chill to it's core
The smell of Autumn
Drowning the flower's perfume
The flowers bow in envy

Gardens stand empty
Gleaned under the harvest moon
With paintbrush in hand
Autumn becomes the artist
Painting nature's masterpiece

Will you dance, if I gently hold your hand?
Lean on me, for I will not let you fall
It's not hard, it's like learning how to stand
Don't be shy, close your eyes and give your all

Will you smile, if I whisper in your ear?
I will tell you the secrets in my heart
It's okay, there's nothing for you to fear
I'm the painter, and you my work of art

Will you love me until the day I die?
I will love you forever and a day
We cannot let this feeling pass us by
It's just funny that love should start this way

Don't be shy, close your eyes my darling wife
Will you dance if I promise you're my life?

There is a place where words lie dead
And buried forever more
Hurting words, that someone said
That we've chosen to ignore

Words like cheater, adultery and liar
They simply no longer exist
Words found guilty, tried by fire
Words that won't be missed

Words like lonely, sad and grief
Are striken from our mind
Words like sorrow, heartbreak and thief
Words of every kind

Words like pain, tears and death
Will soon forever perish
The only words found on our breath
Are words like love, honor and cherish

Words like broken, lost and cry
Are no longer necessary
For all of these words will forever lie
In the sad poem cemetery

Well, I tried the paper cut
Like Dr. Kevorkian said
But the band-aid stopped the bleeding
It didn't work, I'm still not dead

I just couldn't do it
The paper didn't cause my death
So now I've resorted to other measures
I'm typing this, while holding my breath

Well, I held my breath
Until my whole head turned blue
I woke up on the floor
Now, what do I do?

There is one more thing
But I'd hate to die like this
For I know it would **** me
To give my mother-in-law a kiss

My wife just told me
That it's time to eat some beans
So I'll eat me some and light a match
For it will ******* to smithereens

She places little forget me nots
All throughtout the house
She tries to leave them everywhere
To be found by her loving spouse

Their twenty-first anniversary
Will be celebrated tonight
And she's found the perfect gift
To make the evening bright

Married out of high school
To the first man she ever dated
Her parents told her not to rush
And wished she would have waited

Her husband pulls in the driveway
As she watches her plan unfold
She hides out in the bedroom
Where he'll find his *** of gold

Her husband finds the note she left
As a smile crosses his face
He finds a second, then a third
As he moves from place to place

He makes his way to the bedroom
And finds his wife upon the bed
She asks him why he cheated on her
Then puts a bullet in his head

She walks quietly to the bathroom
And runs herself a bath
As she sits down in the water
She starts to smile then laugh

She reaches for the radio
And pulls it in the water
Sparks cover her body
And a picture of her daughter

The picture catches the curtains on fire
As the ceiling comes tumbling down
Happy anniversary the last note said
As the house burns to the ground

I learned to write poetry
From those bathroom walls
I even learned about life
From them ***** old stalls

I think one was even written
By Mr Edgar Allan Poe
Wait!, that might have said
David Allan Coe

One poem that I found
Was scribbled in red
Of course I can't really repeat
What that poem said

Some were so funny
They made me laugh real hard
I laughed til I cried
And my lungs were scarred

Here I sit so broken hearted
Was a poem that we made famous
But we never signed our names
In case they ever tried to blame us

Now some say that bathroom poetry
Just isn't very well known
But you just can't help but read some
While you're sitting on the throne

To *** or not to ***
I haven't made up my mind
But you have to admit, bathroom poetry
Is simply one of a kind

Now I know you've heard the stories
About animals who are smart
But here's a tale of a dog named Jake
Who was a genius from the start

Now, this dog could do anything
He could even add and subtract
He even starred in a broadway play
And, man, that dog could act

Now, nobody ever had to feed him
For, he was even a gourmet chef
Did I mention he was a teacher?
He taught sign language to the deaf

Now Jake was not just an ordinary dog
He remembers everything he sees
He has a photographic memory
And he even knows the names of his fleas

He wouldn't just bring your slippers
He would put them on your feet
That dog would even remember to flush
And put down the toilet seat

Jake even took the children to school
And stayed with them, all day long
He heard every word the teacher said
And corrected her, when she was wrong

Now, you probably think I made this up
And, everything I've told you is fake
But I'll bet you'll be surprised to know
That this poem was even written by Jake

Snow White and the 7 dwarfs
Are really not what they seem
So stay far away from them
Or they'll put you on their team

They're really one of them doom's day cults
And Snow White is their leader
They'll do whatever she tells them to
And I hope you never meet her

They do that cult-like chanting
The one everybody knows
It's some kind of crazy singing
"Hi **, Hi **", you know how it goes

Even their names should tell you
That something's kinda creepy
Grumpy, Bashful, *****, Happy,
Sneezy, Doc and Sleepy

They stand out on the corner
And pass their leaflets out
Telling all who passes by
What they're all about

They'll offer you an apple
And you'll think they're being kind
But all it takes is just one bite
And then they'll control your mind

Don't say I didn't warn you
If you do what I have feared
You'll find yourself 3 feet tall
And sporting a tiny beard

Oh lady fair, of twilight mist
Why must thou leave so soon?
What beauty will thine eyes have missed
Beneath the coming moon

Thou hath never seen the dark of night
Neither the stars so high
Thou hath never seen the bright sunlight
That kisses the eastern sky

Trapped between the night and day
In a place thou can't escape
Never to see the magical way
The shadows change their shape

Just a prisoner of the inbetween
That vanishes in the night
A legend told, but never seen
A mystery to the light

Though fleeting is thy life long curse
Thou art blessed never to know it
For thy name hath inspired many a verse
To many an unknown poet

Oh lady fair, of twilight mist
Why must thou leave so soon?
What beauty will thine eyes have missed
Beneath the coming moon

My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and ***** his thumb
And he poops a lot and such

A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin

He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"

He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can

I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared

So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled

Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner

My granny was only twelve years old
When she got her first tattoo
She was kind of a rebellious child
Back in nineteen twenty-two

She hid that thing for a little while
'Til her daddy finally got wise
He took that girl to the woodshed
With ****** in both of his eyes

He asked that girl, "What did you do,
Don't you know that's gotta be a sin?"
"Now look what you've done to your body,
Has your mama seen your skin?"

Now my granny was a stubborn child
She didn't listen to a word he said
She didn't hide the one she had
But she got three more instead

Now as my granny got older, so did her skin
And her ink was droopy and sad
You'd think that woman would feel remorse
But I think she was almost glad

Now the art sunk down to her elbows
As it wobbled to and fro
The butterfly tats would take to flight
Everywhere Granny would go

Now another tat was a bloodshot eye
But now it was always winking
On the other arm was a battleship
But of course that thing was sinking

Well that's the story of my granny's art
She lived to be a hundred and two
The day she died it said "Rest in peace"
Not the gravestone, her last tattoo

Has anyone seen my mojo
I think it ran away
I just can't find it anywhere
I've looked for it all day

I even looked in under the couch
Where my shoes will sometimes hide
And when I told my wife it's gone
Well, she broke down and cried

I looked behind the refrigerator
It's been there once ot twice
I've even found it a couple of times
Just chillin' with the ice

I looked behind the microwave
Cause my mojo's really hot
I thought that it would surely be there
But I'm sorry to say it's not

I looked behind the recliner
Cause that's it's favorite chair
But once again, to my dismay
It simply wasn't there

I went into the bedroom
And looked in under the bed
Nope, it's not under there either
So I stood and scratched my head

I even called 911
And told them of my pain
They told me not to call again
And said that I'm insane

So if anyone finds my mojo
Please send it back or call
Cause a man without his mojo
Is barely a man at all

I woke up on Christmas Eve
It was late, in the middle of the night
When I saw him under the Christmas tree
He give me such a terrible fright

I thought it was a cat burglar or something
Who was trying to steal from me
And I had a 52 inch color television
Under that Christmas tree

So I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could
To try to find me a kinife
But I just couldn't find one anywhere
Remind me to have a talk with my wife

Anyway, I grabbed up the toaster behind the bread
That was sitting on the cabinet shelf
I snuck up behind him, like a ninja in sneakers
And was planning on killing that elf

Of course I didn't know it, at the time it occurred
That the fat man, was old Santa Claus
It wouldn't have mattered to me at the time
Cause he touched my remote with his paws

I almost had him, when I heard this sound
That was coming from my very own kitchen
It was, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, *****
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen

Those eight tiny reindeer had attacked me
I had hoofprints all over my head
And that's when the fat man in the big red suit
Turned around to me and he said

"I'm just gonna borrow your color tv,
So I can watch the football game"
"The one in my workshop is only 19 inches.
And it's just really too small and lame"

Before I could tell him to forget it buddy
I heard the sound of him slamming my door
Those eight bully reindeer had wrapped me in tinsel
And left me helpless on the livingroom floor

Well, that was the last time I saw him
And my tv was never returned
So make sure you hide your color tv's
Take it from someone who's learned

I've tried to make a list
Of the seven deadly sins
Now pay very close attention
To where this list begins

The number one sin
Much worse than them all
Is never marry a woman
Til you meet your mother-in-law

The number two sin
Is almost just as bad
Never say, "Who's the father?"
When you become a dad

The number three sin
Is probably very well known
Never forget your magazine
When going to the throne

The number four sin
Unless you've hidden the bat
Never tell your wife
She might be getting fat

The number five sin
When it's time to watch the super bowl
Never let your chick flick wife
Get the remote control

The number six sin
And this one I'll repeat
Before you leave the bathroom
Put down the toliet seat

The number seven sin
Last but certainly not least
Never tell you wife
Your paycheck has increased

If you commit just one of these
Not only will you fail
But life is over as you know it
For she'll make your life pure, well, ( you know )

I wake up every morning
To stare in the face of death
I love my wife with all my heart
But not her morning breath

I put tic tacs under her pillow
And even a bottle of scope
But do you think she'll ever take a hint
Well I'm guessing probably nope

I'd swear that woman eats road ****
Or something crawled in her mouth and died
When she puckers her lips to give me a kiss
I look for a place to hide

The dog won't lick his **** anymore
He licks her mouth instead
Don't ever tell her I wrote this
If you do I'm as good as dead

Okay, you know I'm only kidding
I'm not really being mean
But you know what I got her for Christmas
Yep, a bottle of listerine

Today I found an angel's wing
Just lying on the ground
As I held the feathers in my hand
I couldn't even utter a sound

I wondered if she had fallen
Or maybe been hit by a plane
I had to go ask my mama
I knew my mama could explain

As I ran into the kitchen
I couldn't find her anywhere
She wasn't on the front porch swing
Sometimes I'd find her there

When I stepped into the backyard
I saw mama on the ground
I ran to my neighbors as fast as I could
And told them where mama was found

The neighbors called the ambulance
They said mama had gone to Heaven
Daddy came home as fast as he could
To his sons just six and seven

Daddy tried his best to explain to us
Why sometimes that people die
He said she's in a better place
And that it's okay to cry

Mama took us to church on Sundays
And she was always the first to sing
But I knew Jesus needed my mama that day
To help the angel with the broken wing

Romeo and Juliet, was written second best
For even Shakespeare himself, could have only guessed
That somewhere in a future place, a story would soon unfold
That would last throughout the ages and forever be retold

There would be no fancy thee's or thou's strewn across the page
No feuding families fighting wars, filled with all their rage
There would be no big finale, to only end in death
No poison would be swallowed, not a scent upon their breath

A story like this can only live when love was meant to last
A legendary tale of endless love that would never be surpassed
Handed down through history to make two lovers swoon
A story told ten million times beneath the lover's moon

Romeo and Juliet was just a fairy tale
In comparison to the story we wrote, it would even pale
Written in a language that lovers forever discuss
The story I've been talking about is simply the story of us

It happens every Tuesday night
As faithful as can be
Her mama comes to spend the night
Just to torment me

She sits in my recliner
Her stinky feet, up high
She'll always pass a little gas
Each time, as I walk by

With her false teeth on my table
And hair all over her back
She grunts outloud when she chews her food
She sounds like a half starved yak

My toilet has to be replaced
It's never quite the same
That woman's as blind as she can be
And doesn't have very good aim

She falls asleep in my favorite chair
With her bladder like a thimble
She always pees where ever she sits
Then smiles, and starts to tremble

My wife just sits and shakes her head
Knowing, that I'm in pain
She says it's just an accident
As I clean up the stain

It happens every Tuesday Night
Old faithful, at its worst
Some men love their mother-in-law
But me, well, I'm just cursed

At the bottom of every barrel
You'll find the broken and the cracked
The people who live in shadows
Those who don't know how to act

The backward and inverted
The awkward and the shy
Just people looking for answers
Just people asking why

The outcast and the lonely
The scared or the abused
A person without a friend
Or a friend who's been misused

Just people looking for people
To fill a hollow hole
The empty who hunger and thirst
Or maybe a tired soul

At the bottom of every barrel
And maybe you didn't know it
But if you're looking hard enough
You'll even find a poet

My mother-in-law is a zombie
I'm sure that woman is dead
I tried to drive a stake thru her heart
And even cut off her head

But she's just way to sneaky
She always knows I'm around
Cause everytime I try to **** it
She says, "Can I get you to drive me to town?"

And let me tell you about the odor
It can make a grown man cry
Her perfume is, "ode de la zombie"
You know, embalming fluid, after you die

She walks around, in the middle of the night
Trying, to make me her slave
"Will you get me this, will you get me that"
I even dug that woman a grave

Zombies also have real bad breath
It smells like ***** socks
And they don't have a tooth in their head
You'd think they been chewing rocks

Now, not all mother-in-laws are zombies
I think it's probably just mine
And I don't think they ever die
Cause mine's been around a long time

Sometimes she just sits amd stares at me
I mean, can you imagine anything worse?
Then she mumbles some kinda mumbo jumbo
Like some kind of voodoo curse

I've been feeling kinda strange of late
Sometimes, it's hard to think
She probably cast some kinda spell on me
That's causing my head to shrink

Well, that's all I can tell you for now
I've got another grave to dig
I gotta hurry before my head keeps shrinkin'
Cause my hat's already too big

Sometimes, we simply drift apart
No matter what we do
We always try to make it work
Tho we know, it's not going to

You say that I neglect you
And I don't know you anymore
You need my full attention
Like the way it was before

"It's not you it's me" I say
But no comfort can be found
We sit and don't communicate
We barely make a sound

As days go, by the words will fade
We're both now less persistant
There's nothing we can do to change
We've now become too distant

Here's another story that I just made up
That just can't wait to be told
About a weary prospector, down on his luck
That gave his life for his gold

He was way up yonder in the hills, they say
Just him and his scrappy old mule
That poor old mule didn't have no teeth
So he'd sit around the camp and drool

Now that prospector, who we'll call Jake
Was as secret as he could be
He didn't like people snooping around
So he wasn't much for company

See, Jake had been on that mountain
For nigh on twenty years
But he never did hit the mother load
With all his sweat and tears

Then, one day he decided to go fishing
A fish pulled him right in the river
He tried to hang on with all of his might
It's hard to do when you shiver

Jake looked up and was headed toward the falls
So he decided he'd better let go
When he dropped that line, he sunk like a rock
And started thrashing to and fro

Now, Jake was a real good swimmer
He was on the prospector's Olympic team
But, everytime his head went under
All he could do was scream

Now Jake had prospected his whole life
But now, he was getting pretty old
He didn't know the reason he was drowning
But his pockets were full of gold

When he figured it out, he had gold fever
And he refused to let it go
All poor old Jake could think about
Was he finally hit the mother load

See, when that old fish had ****** him in
He was dragging him on the bottom
There was gold just laying everywhere
And that's where his pockets got 'em

Poor old Jake drowned that day
Richest man in the world, I think
His old mule was standing on the bank
Drooling, as he watched him sink

They fished his body out of that river
The next morning before dawn
But they found both pockets as empty as could be
It was stolen by a leprechaun

Well, I guess it's time for me to go
I can see as I look at my clocks
But if you really wanna protect your prospector's gold
Then let me suggest Fort Knox

Today she lives on memories
Morsels of her past
Betrayed by time and left to die
Death's shadow has been cast

The wrinkles on her lonely face
Tell stories of joys and pains
A map of sorts, of who she was
Is all that now remains

She has no need for future things
No need to understand
Living now because she must
Beyond the things she'd planned

No one to tell her stories to
They start to fade away
She sadly waits her time to die
While living in yesterday

Trapped between this life and death
Her tears begin to speak
Another memory, she won't share
Running down her cheek

She's now become invisible
It's like she don't exist
But when she's gone, it won't be long
Until she's truly missed

She had so much to offer us
Wisdom, that we refused
Silently, slipping through the cracks
A treasure, that we abused

She paid the dues that life demands
Then quietly disappears
Left alone, she fades away
The wrinkles and the tears

I bid you stay my queen of hearts
Tarry here till morn
Take not your love and go your way
'Tis allegiance I have sworn

I bow my head in purest heart
Consumed by shameless desire
Quicken me with one last smile
Enough to quiet this fire

I press you please, consider fate
Let its spirit guide your path
Turn not unto your heart of stone
Lean not toward its wrath

Cast not aside familar dreams
Nor memories patiently earned
Douse this flame of your rejection
Where the fire of love once burned

Quench this thirst that haunts my soul
Heed my beckon call
Tarry here just one more hour
Lest our love should fall

Now, I believe in bigfoot
I've seen it with my own eyes
It was hairy and all hunched over
And it's **** was covered with flies

It had a smell that I can't describe
I even had to hold my nose
That hairy thing scared me so bad
I just stood there and froze

It's face was ugly and covered with hair
I couldn't tell about it's gender
It just stood there staring at me
Like it wanted me to surrender

It opened its mouth and a noise came out
It was trying to communicate
I couldn't understand a word it said
And I wasn't about to wait

I took off running as fast as I could
With that monster right on my tail
I thought I was gonna regurgitate
Remember, I told you, "the smell"?

I almost made it, til my wife made me trip
That's when I started to fall
She said, "Stop it! What are you doing?"
For it was only my mother-in-law

Did you know that every teardrop
Has it's own story to tell
Sometimes of a love gone bad
Or a heartfelt sad farewell

Sometimes, we cry tears of joy
Or even tears in pain
And sometimes, on our pillows,
Our tears will leave a stain

We've cried tears of sadness
Or when smoke gets in our eyes
Sometimes, it's a broken heart
Or when a loved one dies

Sometimes, we laugh so hard
Our eyes will flood with tears
Tears can have a healing power
That will even calm our fears

Sometimes, when we're crying,
We'll wear a thin disguise
But you don't have to hide your tears
For everybody cries

It happen one snowy Christmas eve
The snow was too heavy for flight
So Santa and those eight tiny reindeer
Were stranded with me for the night

After hot chocolate we all went to sleep
With them on my living room floor
The reindeer kept passing gas all night
And all Santa could do was snore

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night
And those reindeer were all in my bed
Comet and Cupid were holding me tight
And Prancer was kissing my head

Then in a flash the room went dark
And in the corner, a tiny elf appears
Believe it or not on top of his head
He had one of my wife's best brassieres

I got out of bed to find old Santa
I was hoping he might have an answer
I found him soaking in my garden tub
Where he was taking a bath with Dancer

So I hurried back to the bedroom
But my wife was no where in sight
I found her in the kitchen playing spin the bottle
And that elf said she's mine for the night

Well that did it, I finally lost my temper
I started screaming for them to get out
Santa says, "We can't leave, my clothes aren't dry"
And that's when I started to shout

He pointed to my fireplace mantle
And my stockings were no longer there
For hanging on the nail by the fire
Was Santa's long john underwear

I ran to the bedroom for my rifle
But when I returned they were already gone
My house was a wreck and that elf stole my wife
So I burned Santa's ****** 'til dawn



© All Rights Reserved

"How do I love thee, let me count the ways"
A poet of old was known to have written
So how many ways can we say I love you
When our hearts have truly been smitten

Yes box, No box or Maybe box
Has been known to give us a voice
Passed back and forth with high expectations
'Til the reader has check marked a choice

Pigtails and spit wads can say I love you
As chewed up paper flies through the air
Or maybe a tug on those beautiful pigtails
Will show them that you really care

Sharing your snack is very romantic
Or their initials enclosed in a heart
And of course, "Will you be my valentine?"
Is always a good place to start

The ways that we say I love you
Are really too many to list
But you'll know when it's right and love is in sight
When two lovers have finally kissed

She laid him in his resting place
After twenty-one years of love
She had to try to say goodbye
To that she never felt worthy of

She was with him on his death bed
As he said with a single tear
"Now don't you cry, because I die,
For my love won't disappear"

He said with a smile while holding her hand
"Thank you, for being my bride"
It was his last breath before his death
Then her loving husband died

Two weeks later, the doorbell rang
A messenger stood outside
He said, "How do you do?, this is for you"
She took the letter and went inside

When she opens up the envelope
Tears start to fill her eyes
And then a smile, that's been gone for a while
She reads it as she cries

"It was me my angel who felt unworthy,
to even hold your hand"
"And I'll never see, why you ever picked me,
it's something I'll never understand"

Every two weeks, for the next ten years
A love letter was brought to her door
'Til one day his bride, had finally died
And now they're together once more

He wrote her letters every single day
From the very first day that they met
Then he put them away for a rainy day
To make sure she'd never forget

I'm not really a poet
I've never claimed to be
The only reason I'm even here
Is because I can't watch my tv

See my wife hid my remote control
About a year or so ago
So I'm here killing some time
'Til I can watch my favorite show

I've been told so many things
About something they call "the flow"
I don't even know what that is
Unless they mean typing to slow

Then they say watch "the meter"
Well, I don't even own a car
So if it something to do with parking
I think that's kinda bizzare

They talk about "a syllable count"
But I guess nobody knows
That I can only count to twenty
If I use all my fingers and toes

One more thing they say a lot
Is something about "a rhyme"
Kinda like them bedtime stories
That mama read all the time

I just wanted to tell you this
In case, you didn't know it
I just want my remote control
Cause I'm really not a poet

We're always trying to see the future
Never looking at our past
Not thinking about the things we've done
Or the shadows that they cast

We crave the mystery, that we haven't seen
To see what road life takes
Marching ahead and never looking back
To learn from our mistakes

For today is only a stepping stone
That leads to tomorrow's door
The signs that history has placed in our way
We only choose to ignore

For yesterday's gone, it's slipped away
And never even put up a fight
So we'll go through life, searching for things
Just barely out of sight

Stepping on butterflies, both day and night
Where ever butterflies are found
But no one's around to hear their screams
For the future can't make a sound

I woke up early on Christmas Eve
It was late, in the middle of the night
When I saw him under the Christmas tree
He give me such a terrible fright

I thought it must be a cat burglar
Who was trying to steal from me
And I had a fifty-two inch color television
Under that Christmas tree

So I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could
To try to find me a kinife
But I just couldn't find one anywhere
Remind me to have a talk with my wife

Anyway, I grabbed up the toaster behind the bread
That was sitting on the cabinet shelf
I snuck up behind him, like a ninja in sneakers
And was planning on killing that elf

Of course I didn't know it, at the time it occurred
That the fat man, was old Santa Claus
It wouldn't have mattered to me at all
Cause he touched my remote with his paws

I almost had him, when I heard this sound
That was coming from my very own kitchen
It was, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, *****
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen

Those eight tiny reindeer had attacked me
I had hoofprints all over my head
And that's when the fat man in the big red suit
Turned around to me and said

"I'm just gonna borrow your color tv,
So I can watch the football game"
"The one in my workshop is only nineteen inches,
And it's really too small and lame"

Before I could tell him to forget it buddy
I heard the sound of him slamming my door
Those eight bully reindeer had wrapped me in tinsel
And left me helpless on the livingroom floor

Well, that was the last time I saw him
And my tv was never returned
So make sure you hide your color tv's
Take it from someone who's learned

Valentine's Day is a thing of the past
This thing called love will never last
I bought you a can of *****
You walked away in a huff
And now I wearing my arm in a cast

There is a song that few have learned
That make the fairies dance
A secret spell that must be earned
That puts them in a trance

Late at night, when the moon is full
The queen will soon appear
All the fairies push and pull
In hopes of standing near

For tonight, the queen will choose a king
When the song is sung outloud
As all the fairies begin to sing
She passes through the crowd

They bow their heads as she walks by
But each one steals a glance
Their wings point high toward the sky
As the queen begins to dance

They sing her songs of romance
In the meadow where fairies dwell
Hoping the queen will give them a chance
As each one casts their spell

Her king is finally chosen
The queen has picked her king
The fairies voices are frozen
'Til the next time the fairies sing

My wife said to embrace my feminine side
So I thought I'd give it a whirl
And though I said I'll do my best
I don't make a very good girl

So I tried my hand at cooking
And now the chicken is crispy and black
The laundry was just my first attempt
And it almost broke my back

I even took a bubble bath
With candles on the side of the tub
But when I tried to shave my legs
The only thing left was a nub

And even though I must admit
I look pretty **** good in a dress
Those dadgum ***** hose were cramping my style
As you can probably already guess

That make-up made me feel kinda funny
And made me look just a little bit weird
I think it clashed with the leftover breakfast
That was hanging out inside my beard

Now though it was fun to be a girl
It's something that I'll never repeat
Cause when my wife had to go ***
She forgot to raise the toilet seat

My wife said I made an ugly girl
And she laughed so hard she cried
She said she'd never ask me again
To embrace my feminine side

She ran through fields of daisies
Chasing her *** of gold
On the tail of every rainbow
She was only six years old

"Someday I'm gonna catch one"
She always used to say
I didn't have the heart to tell her
That soon she'd pass away

Stricken with cancer at the age of three
She lived life full and tall
I've questioned God so many times
Why take one so very small?

She fought hard those final days
It happened in the spring
She never found her *** of gold
That the rainbows always bring

We Buried her in those daisy fields
Deep beneath the ground
We marked it with a wooden cross
Where my gold can still be found

Is a poet still a poet
if his work should go unread?
Or is he just a dreamer
with words inside his head?

Does a poet keep on writing
though no one knows his name?
Or spill his soul 'til his fingers bleed,
searching for his fame?

Does he dream of Poe as he writes his verse
in poetic harmony?
Or Count the Ways like Browning did
in sonnet forty-three?

Does he Take the Road Not Taken
like the late great Robert Frost?
Or take the road the others take
to find out that he's lost?

A poet is a poet
if his work should go unread
His words will stand the test of time,
in something that he said

Her mom has a wart on her face that grows
How that thing got there nobody knows
I looked to my wife and said,
"Poke it I think its dead"
She said, "Stop it!, that thing is her nose"