It has been years since I last wrote

Anything that my heart emote

Revisiting the words I spoke

I have not grown as much as I'd hope

I remember it well
It's one of those things you simply can not forget
From that moment I stood there in the bathroom
Staring down at that little pink plus sign
It felt like my whole world came crashing down on me
Fear and joy engulfed me and the unknown startled me

Who will you be?
this little person that I am creating?
Will you look like me?
So many question so many thought of doubt
Can I do this?
Can I be your mom?
So many

As you grew inside of me
It became more and more real
As if the severe morning sickness wasn't real enough
Can I do this?

As my body changed
and I felt you move inside of me
Nothing else mattered
The fear of the unknown was no longer a factor
I can do this

From that moment I laid there
Cover in cold gel
Seeing your little limbs move on the screen
The first time I saw you
I loved you then
So deeply

When you came out of me
And into my arms
I loved you even more
I didn't even know that was possible
I love you my Lu

I've come so far as a woman
As a person
As a human
There were times I thought I'd never see the light of day
And there were times when we dreaded the rising sun

There were nights I wish to never remember
And nights I wish I'd never forget
Being in the middle of the ocean
With no land in sight for miles

Everything seems so much more alive
Back in society where lights pollutes the night sky
I yearn to see the millions of stars shining down on me again
The Earth spoke to me

In lovely tones and scents
In velvet and tweets
With the rush of the wind
And warmth of the rays

In the smell of salt
And the cooling of mist
In the dawn
And in the ending nautical twilight

I've come so far
Or so I thought
The Earth spoke to me again
But I can't listen

I don't who I've become lately
I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do

I feel like I'm growing
but into what?

One nights and cheap wine
Who am I anymore?

It's so funny looking back
At my old words
It hasn't been that long since then
But it's a whole new world

I made a choice in life
That turned out to be the best choice
My life has changed so much
In so little time

The dark place I was in once before
Has been casted away by a new horizon
The gloom that bloomed within
Has been replaced with such enlightenment

My hearts has found a new love
One that isn't toxic
One that makes me life go around

It's funny truly
How much people can change in so little time.

I was there when you were sick cold and alone
I held you close and told you I would never let go

You looked into my eyes spilling lies
And I could not see through the deceit

I don't know why I fell for those obvious falsity
The ones you told as you held me close

It warmed my heart to hear those lies
Escape your lips into my ears

I try to masque it
The gloom inside
I wear a smile
Laugh at all their jokes
Pretend to be enthused about things
But it's all a lie.
I'm a lie.