Lani - Hello Poetry

Lani Nov 2012

****

We broke up so many times.
So many times I've moved on
But you keep coming back for more
And me being silly let you back in
Then the whole process repeats itself

I don't know how much longer
I can take this pain
The constant touch and go is becoming tedious
I want to be numb
Like I once used to be

I don't want to feel your dagger piercing my heart
I don't want to look into your eyes and want you so much
I don't want to love you anymore
Numbness please come back to me
Save me from myself

This pain is over bearing
I want to cry but my tears are all dried
For I have cried too many times.
I want to be numb
Numbness please come back to me

Lani Oct 2012

Sense?

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity
If I have any
I often wonder if there's others like me
Who think the way I do
Notice and exam the things I do
I'm quite unusual and I know it
No matter what anyone says
"You're not weird Lannie"
They only the know the facade I put on
The fake smile and glow I wear
Underneath there's nothing but dust and shells
I wonder if anyone had the mind I had
How long would it take for them to lose it
Its been 21 years and I'm still holding on
barely
Over analysis
Emotional
Short tempered
and irrational
I am insane
Constant feeling of dread and doomed
Complexity can be interesting
to a certain point
I am insane
And I know it.

Lani Oct 2012

You're there.

I get online and the first thing I do is scan the right side of the screen
Hoping to see your name with a green dot next to it.
Why do I do this to myself?
I know that you're no good for me and that last thing I should do
Is try to be with you
But I love you and I want you so bad it hurts
Why can't I get over this sickness?
Every night before I lay my head
You're on my mind
The first thing I think of when the sun rises
Is you
I just want to be free of you
Free of the burden of loving you
How long will this take
For my heart to make a mends
I want to be over you already
Please get out of my head.

Lani Oct 2012

Will you?

If I wrote you a love letter
With words sweeter than nectar
Then will you understand me
But then again how can you
When I don't even understand myself
What if I sang to you a love song
Will the words dripping from my lips
Make you feel me?
Will it help you see
That I'm not as heartless as I seem
If I drew you a picture
With ink or charcoal
Then will you see what I see?
Will the images in my mind spilt
Onto the blank white canvas
Make you see the real me?
What about a painting
Maybe oil or then again pastel
With colors and life
Vigorous lines and shades
will you see that I'm not so insane
Rather trapped
In my own mind
In an infinite maze with no idea of how to escape
Will you then pardon me?
If I were to write to you sing to you
draw for you or paint you
Then
Will you eventually
Love me for me?

Lani Oct 2012

Ponder

My days are growing longer
Waiting in anticipation
Where am I going?
What do I do?
I just don't know anymore

There will be a time
When I will have everything I need
But until then I'm stuck
In this ever incessant swirl pool
That leads no where

Time is so slow these days

Lani Oct 2012

The first time

was unorthodox
far from the fairy tales you're told as a child

An ever daunting trilogy
which is so unlike me
Meet someone

The very first time was
Odd. Sixty seconds of agony.
fall madly in love

The second first time was
Sordid. Seven hundred and twenty minutes of cat and mouse.
The mouse lost.
consummate

The last first time was
Amore. Eight thousand five hundred and sixty-five hours of pure ignorant bliss
They say the first cut it the deepest
what about all three?

Lani Oct 2012

My body

is Gold
Twenty-four karat. Gold
With curves and turns
You'll never know
Hips and ****
And legs that go for miles

Curves. From my head to my toes
Slim? Is that me? No!
I would never want to be
They tell you to be this or be that
They never say. BE YOU.

I choose to BE me.
Coke bottle
Hour glass
Womanly
Feminine
I am a woman

I will be never be.
**Skeletal