i met a boy
who’s demons you could see
dancing down hallways.
he sang with the birds in the citrus trees.  
music dripped from him like blood from his flesh.
there’s some red flags,
but many more green.


250220//a.r.

“nov. 2017”

silence is loud
silence is hearing nothing but
the crickets
and a heart pumping blood.
abandonment
is coming home to the same unwashed dishes
and the same baron bookshelf
and the same
silence.
regret is looking at an empty staircase
and recalling every yell and sob it has seen.
disappointment is a cage,
a cell,
a young boy calling for help.
a tall boy trapped in hell.
a kind boy stuck inside himself.

“dreams: four nineteen a.m.”

naked bodies dance
to music we made in his
soft linen sheets.
his Greenwich apartment
is filled with brick walls and unfinished art;
it smells of leather and rain.
we fold our bodies into different shapes
on mats on the floor.
he assures me
my heart will not break anymore.
i look at my hand and a ring
reminds me this is my forever

then my thoughts fade into heather.
my eyes spring open,
eager for his warm embrace-
instead i lay in an Ikea bed with jersey sheets.

i suppose i shall continue to dream until our hearts finally meet.

ar

“home”

my curves call him over-
every crease and cut is his to paint.

my eyes see thirty years into the future;
french doors swing open to reveal a
danish garden in the
spanish countryside.
i kiss my three children with my heart,
i kiss him with my mind.
tuscan tiles tell tales while i
chop cherry tomatoes.
our cottage is cozy and cluttered with scents of
cammomile, cedar, cinnamon.
i couldn’t have dreamed of contentment like this.
i can die happy with them by my side.

ar

“jazz”

sweet sax drizzles itself over me
like honey,
sticking to my limbs-
oh so sweet.
on the day my heart smiled,
the sky was lilac,
and filled with cotton candy clouds.
the birds sang like piano keys;
the bees, like bass.
the flowers shared their tender smiles and
transported me to a time where
he and i
were real
and our hearts could smile freely.

ar

“d.r.”

i’d sail the earth to find him.
i’ve seen into the minds of men,
i’ve read their eyes,
i’ve kissed their fears;
but not one has touched my heart the way he has.

i have not kissed, touched, or known him,
yet
his heart is pure and
my bones ache for his embrace.

i yearn for his tough skin in my sheets.
i long for silence in his company.

i wish to sit in the pale moonlight and
kiss him til my heart and his
are married
and pregnant with our third child.

i want to know him for all eternity.

ar

“two thousand five hundred and fifty four”

never get drunk and think about
the boy you love
that lives thousands of miles away.

don’t let your lips get wet
at the thought of his ***** hands.

ignore your increased heartbeat
when you relive him ordering
a cup of black coffee.

don’t allow your eyes to leak
when you remember his french girlfriend
and the fact that you and he
will never
be together again.

ar

“him”

i love him-
it feels unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
i wish my grandma was here so I could tell her about the boy from New York
who has long dreadlocks and
does art and
reads insightful novels and
does yoga.
i want to run into his arms;
squeeze him tight.
i want to lock my lips together with his
full lips
and sigh a great sigh of relief.
i want to trace his body with my fingers and
i want him to paint me
white.
i’d live in Greenwich village for him.
only
for him.

ar

"twenty"

I love taking long, slow walks
barefoot
at night when the cement is
warm and the air is clean.
Twenty
is looking like it'll be another year
filled with over generosity
and energy vampires.
I only crave french kisses
and love making
and money
steadily flowing into my bank account.
Maybe twenty will be filled with only dreams.

ar

"let's play"

my jaw aches
wisdom teeth are eagerly
pushing through the surface
but I am not wise.
I am a child
who has
a diagnosed mother
a diseased father
a demonic brother

I have been diagnosed with adulthood
                     diseased with reoccurring tragedies
                     and plagued by demonic thought and
ideas that creep inside my mind
when the banshees come out
to play at night.

ar

"tangled"

he makes it too easy
the butterflies have come
much too quickly.
my irresponsible brain projects
a lovely garden,
a cottage,
a child.

our energies have tangled
together and knotted twice.
I wish to see him but
he is trapped in the ***** city
and I must return to
posh village.

his girlfriend
would not be happy
about this..

ar

"art boy"

I sit waiting for him,
the gemini boy who has
touched my heart
unlike any other.

The artist boy who draws
like butter on a fresh
baguette.

The kind boy who smiles
and makes me feel safe.

He is trustworthy

but so is everyone
until they aren't anymore.

ar

"north meadow"

A soft summer's breeze
licks my face.
Songs of the birds echo
in the construction.
A black nanny comforts
a white child
and all is "calm".

12.47 pm

ar

"placed"

feeling chronically out of place.
out of place around friends,
family,
strangers.
out of place in temecula,
new york-
maybe I have always been
out of place
because I'm not too sure
where my place is.
I am a floater.
a diamond amongst the *******
a daffodil amongst the weeds
a spring chicken amongst
the school children.

I am yearning to be placed.

ar

"r"

eighteen days
until I flee this teenage body
and inhabit my fully grown one

eighteen days until I am
who I will be

she should be here to guide me through this process
but she is not and
never will be again

each day pressure is applied nearing her to her
pearly neck grave.

she will be a pearl in my daughter's heart;
Valerie Aisling

a

"vincent"

he is loved
wholly
by me.
everyday, I live with
intention.
I keep him in
mind.
no
I am not expecting him soon
no
I am not in a hurry

but when I am ready
and he is ready to find his way to me,
I will be eager to have him.

ar

"ny"

he's *****;
smelly, sticky, stained.
nowhere in my heart does he belong.
once upon a time,
I saw something beautiful in his heart,
lush and green,
quiet-
not spoiled or tainted by what he has been surrounded by.
but once upon a time is a distant,
faded memory-
too far away for recollection.
when I fly away, I will leave him behind.
I will have ridded myself of him.

ar

the paintings on the wall have heard it all;
every sob,
every strain,
every silent scream.
as the dim moonlight peeked through my blinds,
my paintings were the only ears i had to witness
every ******,
every pant,
every tear.
a demonstration of an invasion within
my numb body.
unable to say yes or
no.
my cottage was robbed,
because i thought it was safe
to slip into a sweet slumber
with the door unlocked.

round and round they go
intertwined in the heather sky
black bodies taunt and play
a thunder crack licks my lips
i stalk them with my eyes
narrow and tall it stands still
they rest upon it's frame
the sky, it mourns the loss of few
i'm not ready to die
but nothing is the same.

the full moon sprinkles it's pale light in
i try to breathe deep
but
i feel like there are splinters in my lungs and
shards in my heart.
just
come inside
and take them out.

my body has been tainted by a boy
with scruffy sideburns
bleached hair and toffee eyes.
i found his brokenness
intriguing
flattering
mysterious.
his skin was like a newport on a nipped february morning
his hair like a wool knitted sweater
he tasted like apricots drenched in wine.
he kissed me like he loved me
he licked me like he missed me
he held me like he'd never let me go.
he rode his bike everywhere,
his heart was cold as snow.

in films
love seems inevitable
intimacy seems comfortable
*** seems sensual.
somehow, the writer of my play has changed the rules
love seems impossible
intimacy seems uncomfortable and
*** seems like a mans one and only goal.

i would have stood on rooftops
and bell towers
and light houses
singing your praises;
i believed in us.
i believed i could mend your brokenness;
And with the gift of my
pure
body,
you would be healed.
you disgusted me
you disguised yourself in sheep's wool and made yourself look lovable and malleable and open
but i am allergic to wool and your façade
left me
cold and
violated
and alone.
i believed i loved you
and you loved me
but we see so clearly now,
a wolf in sheep's clothing cannot find love
with a swan.

We had an energetic exchange
and his energy has intertwined with my own
and his children have sunken into my skin
and his lips are imprinted on my own.
I feel as if I have to discard myself in order to discard him
from me.
We made art with our bodies
and I can't tell you how artistic it was that he curves gently to the left
and his hands felt as if they were made only to grab my throat.
I loved every inch of his body
and I have it memorized so well
I could sketch it out.
He was art to me.
In every kiss was a song;
in every goodbye, a melancholy tear.
At night, I can remember the way his chaliced hands traced my figure
and how comforted I felt when his muscular arms hugged my limbs.
I can still taste him
and it's a taste that even Burnett's can rid me of.
He was mine;
every piece and square centimeter had my name on it,
but just as quickly as we fell in love,
my name was wiped clean by
someone
else.

It has been twelve weeks since ive laid my eyes on your lovely face
You have ceased to exist for only 8 of them
My eyes are tired now and they roam no farther than sheets I shield my body in.
Twelve weeks yet, I have aged 12 years.
I am not free,
I am trapped within the prison I call me
Twelve weeks and I miss your accent stained lips, your silver shining hair.
In twelve more weeks, I still will not care about the petty everyday dramas;
For no one's heart can be as weary as mine.

He possesses my body.
My thighs crave his hands
and my fingers long for his ***** hair.
He is not good to me.
He penetrates dozens of other females.
He ***** them, but we make love.
My body has shaped itself so he fits perfectly inside.
His DNA lingers on my skin and I can still taste him on my tongue.
I don't think I love him but
It sure does feel like love oh my
it sure does feel like love.
Traces of our kids have sunken into my skin.
Mommy loves you.
Toffee eyes capture the attention of my midnight, tear drenched ones.
How can he experience this with others?
How can he stroke and kiss and *** with them,
when they are not me?
I am special;
I am loved by him
and he
is loved
by me.

Darling,
I want you to crave my kisses first thing in the morning.
I want nothing more than absolute happiness for you each and every day. I can only hope that in your future, there is space enough for me to love you unconditionally. Your gifts never cease to amaze me. Your every wish is my command. I do not care to live in this cruel cruel world without you in it. We met in the cosmos many millenniums ago and I shall be with no other.

From the depths of my heart,
I love you,
Alanna Renée

let's get something straight, i dont love people. i dont even like people, so when i said "i love you"...

you were my world, my whole  ******* world and i love you more today than i ever have
your blood runs through my veins and we breathe the same air because my lungs are your lungs and my hands are your hands and my body is yours
so love me and abuse me and treasure me and hate me because
I ONLY WANT YOU...
and any way you present yourself to me is acceptable
because you are perfect and flawless and
you hurt me a lot
but it is ok because you love me and your love is beautifully tragic and at least i wont have to be alone in this hellish captivity i have been calling my home for all these years.

she looked at him through rose colored glasses;
her vision blurred by her expectations and his potential.
everyday and every night
he stayed unfaithful
but even still, she slept with him 'til early in the morning.
he left each day and returned to his unfaithful ways.
why wont she just let him go?

its beautiful outside-
the breeze blows, the sun shines.
im tragically unstable.
no one is listening,
I am tragically unstable.

kiss me underneath the pale moonlight,
our toes buried in the red sands.
when the suns begin to rise,
continue to kiss me,
as if we are parentless teens.
you are my parasite, i have loved you for an eternity.
this is a bond that can't be broken,
our spirits have eloped.
our minds have now departed,
up into the nebulas and stars and dust.
i will never forget this pathogenic romance,
for as long as my spirit lives.
human we are not,
for we are the star people's kids.

i kissed you last night,
and the night before that,
but only in my dreams.
not lustful or memorable,
you make me want to scream,
"NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!
how come you do not look?
i've dressed in your favorite lingerie,
oh, please put down your book."
but when i wake in the morning, day just seems so dreary
i can't believe this is it, i'm always ******* weary.

my eyes are so tired,
i rub them for a moment so they can rest.
marbles of sadness roll down my cheeks,
then down upon my neck.
draped with pearls and gems and jewels,
they'll never be enough.
for all i wanted was your love,
but you don't give a ****.

"Good morning", he said, as he kissed me on my cheek.
My eyes fluttered open in a still room.
I smelled the salt of bacon and the sweet of pancakes.
“Jump out of bed”, I say to myself, “for it will be a lovely day.”
"Good morning, honey." I say to him, as he stood in front of the stove.
His beautifully, muscular arms flexed and relaxed while he stirred his morning tea.
He sipped slowly and I embraced him comfortably from the back.
For everything was splendid and positive and peaceful.

18 days have passed and
every morning, that has led up to this one, has been the same.
He wakened me with the comfort of his lips and he cooked me breakfast and he loved me.
But,
on the eighteenth day,
bad news came from his brother.
His mother had died.
He said, "It was too hard to bear."
In the day to come,
I did not receive his soft embrace to get me out of bed.
I received silence, or solitude, or the scorching sting of his slap.
He did not make me breakfast,
nor did he make lunch,
nor did he make dinner.
He yelled and cried and the tea he drank
became *****,
then whiskey,
then ***.
My mournings became my mornings.
The look of adoration and strength slipped from his eyes,
and from that eighteenth day 'til this one,
his eyes have been cold and violent.
The light never shines in this house,
and it is no longer a home
to me or to him or to our hopes or our dreams.
I love him so and I want to caress him and tell him he can get better from this,
but he has been experimenting with drugs and
hate flows in his veins
and the stench of alcohol consumes his heart.
Help please,
I love him and I can not let him go.

this night is especially
dark and cold.
the moon's haunting glow doesn't shower me with light;
your heart is closed up tight.
i will take anything i can get from you.
**** me, cherish me, abuse me too.
whichever your mind desires,
because right now, your heart is too tired.
-
hold me close and let me breathe,
this is where i'm supposed to be.
stroke my arms and play with my hair,
the way things crumbled is just not fair.
comfort me and tell me it'll be alright,
even when positivity is nowhere in sight.
i've loved you long before i was this self in this body on this planet.
we met a long time ago,
our souls collided.
this is not the way it was supposed to end.
we are not destined to be just  friends.
we floated amongst the stars in the galaxies and soared from planet to planet.
i didn't know when i'd see you again, there wasn't much time to plan it.
zero gravity is where we will see our happy ending.
no earth words can be said that won't be received as condescending.
i just know,
God has set us up effortlessly.
now is not the time,
but baby you can't run,
what is meant to be will be.

wrap me in your love,
then rip it away.
i've been feeling lonely these last couple of days.
i've gone to all my meetings,
and i promised to stay clean,
but there's something so intriguing about you,
you evil fiend.
it feels like I'm going psychotic,
but it's alright,
you're my narcotic.
and tonight, i shall OD.

hold me tight for one last night.
tell me everything will be alright.
when you said, "I love you,"
it wasn't to me- like i had hoped.
It was to her.
My heart was broken and shattered and it hurt me to breathe for a while and it still hurts sometimes but my breathing has gotten better and
you are not mine.
when you come near, i wheeze and huff and puff and sigh.
You have hurt my heart,
i'll just get high
and burn these thoughts away.
when you make me sad and grey,
i fiend for something to make me sane.
illegal things fill my craving
but they'll never bring me a happy ending.
i will cry myself to death.

When you said such insightful things,
things that make me think and stop and be,
you have me hooked.
When we can stay up until 5 in the morning
and talk about the universe
and aliens and death,
as well as weather patterns and ways we can uncorrupt our nation,
and not be bored,
and not have one second of unfilled silence,
that's the day
I will fall in love.
Argue with my theories and be honest and accept when I tell the truth and know when it's all a bluff.
I don't need to be married to my best friend,
but I need to marry someone that loves me for me.
Someone who can expand my miniscule mind.
Someone who can accept that I am, in fact, insane.
Say things so profound, I have to rethink all that I have thought before.
And when I don't understand or believe in what you do,
explain
or don't,
but be okay with the difference of opinions and theories we will have.
We are not all the same and
despite all the disputes and opinions that may create barriers between us,
we love each other and
we will even through disagreements and rants and assumptions.
I promise to always be willing
to hear out things I may not like
and some things may be false.
There may be personality flaws,
but you will have your way.
I'll see more than your brown,
seemingly soulless, eyes,
because your soul is so stunning.
I have no choice but to see who you really are during our glimpses throughout the day.
When you fall asleep on the couch,
while watching documentaries,
I won't make you come to bed.
I'll bring you a blanket,
or better yet,
I'll cuddle up on the couch next to you.
I can't promise that there won't be a dull moment,
because they do happen,
but I can promise to sing in the kitchen while making dinner and I can promise to dance really badly while I get dressed in the morning,
and I definitely promise I will always play music loud enough the neighbors will hear.
I can't promise that everyday will be I will be the best, but
I can say that sometimes I will be the bigger person
and apologize when I was clearly right.
I vow to love you forever,
even after tragedies and fights and hard times.
And all that I ask, in return is that
you do the same for me.

Count the times you cut my heart.
You watched me bleed,
I sparked a port.
Your words caress my face.
Remember when we were just friends?
Rondevous and danger,
what a mix.
Pour me up a little drink,
let me smoke this spliff.
When it was just me and you,
our minds could coexist.
Now that there is like three or four,
I always feel so sick.
Let me love the way you are,
the way you wanna be.
Can I just take care of you?
Let's travel from nation to nation and see what we see.
Hold me inside your world
and let me kiss your neck.
We'll all live happily,
if you just let me in.

break me down, lift me up.
one more day and i'll be gone.
mental states are crazy.
all i want is you and me, baby.
kiss me goodnight.
i'll feel your hair and touch the ground you lay in.
you shot-
me down from the sky.
i'll love you forever,
i don't know why.
"manic depression has captured my soul."
i shot-
my life and ****** it to hell.
lets cuddle and laugh and stare at the stars.
the grass keeps me warm...
i'll love you again
between the bars of these gates.
I seen God today.
oh look! a shooting star,
please, oh please, let's make a wish.
Au Revior, my love.
I'll see you real soon.
The flames gonna consume you again
before the night is through.

We're not speaking.
You've got a girlfriend,
my heart is broken.
I've cried myself to sleep...
I'll continue to hide in the shadows until
it is my time.
I have unfollowed you,
so I don't hurt everyday
when I see you two together.
"Alanna, just go out and enjoy the weather."
But sadly, it's hard to feel the breeze when
my skin is numb.
I'm frozen,
shattered,
raw.
I may be dumb,
but that's why I stay.
Loving you just feels right
and wrong.
All I am sure about is how you make me feel and
for me,
that's all that matters...

The sky opened up and you apppeared.
A man, a memory, a wrinkled smile-
Your laugh runs in and out of my ears.
All is purposeful,
nothing a mistake.
Every twist and curve, of your teeth
were placed exactly where they lie.
Every follicle in your head
for a reason
in the season we call spring.
Cross the street when you did.
The man that hit you-
the way you died.
Nothing a mistake, my love.
Your body floats away.
Your voice is not the same.
I don't remember what you said to me...
I can't remember your noise.
A colossal waste of time is what you were.
you loved me and made me really happy
then you are ripped away
like a comb in this matted hair of mine.
My heart was broken in more ways then just one, the day you left.
Your body stayed,
your bones remain.
*I *have to let you go.

What happened to us not judging one another and being open and able to share anything at any time?
just tell me...
when?
when?
when?
Tell me how long until one of us sees the light?
or am i just stuck in the dark?
When will I be enough for you?
All I needed was love and appreciation.
I needed to know that everything I did to keep you in my arms
was enough
because you were all that mattered to me.
What happened to us texting each other all night long
and sharing deep dark secrets at 3 in the morning?
What happened to us sneaking around with one another
so our parents didn't catch us in the act?
When will I matter to you as much as you matter to me?
When will I be enough?
When did I become to weak to keep you?
please
Bring me towards the light.
Just let me know.

this group reminds me of you and only you.
i usually listen to it in the wee hours of the night
when my heart break is so predominant, your voice rings in my ears.
i use the music to drown you out
but instead of washing my senses clean,
it enhances your presence in my head.
i talked to you for the first time in a while today and it was alright.
then when i didn't receive your message,
you had invited me to hang out.
I’m out of town and i miss you and i want you.
even if you don’t give a **** about me,
that's okay.
as long as you pretend to love me, that's enough.
that's awful but that's how it is.
i only want you,
in any form that you present yourself to me.