i thought it would be like the movies.
i thought you would kiss me for the last time before i left your arms forever.
i wanted you to chase me as i walked away.
i wanted you to embrace me
and kiss me beneath the moon.
boy, were my thought misguided.
you didn't chase after me like you should have-
like i wanted you to.
the feeling i felt as i tuned away
is the feeling i will feel forever:
unwanted.

let me hug your limbs.
love me backward and foreword.
we’ll run away with the wind.
let me love your hands,
your waist, your sins.
love me over and over again.
together forever?
that's what we said.
love me backward, forward.
that’s all i need.

rip me apart.
tell me now that i am worth your ridicule.
ostracize me please.
that is exactly what i need.
tell me how i am not worth anything.
my family doesn't even love me,
and that's alright by me.
when i wake up,
i'll remember you yelling in my face
i'm worth less, oh am i?
yep.
i know.
******* ****  ahhhhHHHHHHHHHH
ALRIGHTY
i'm feeling good now.
i'm just gonna go upstairs now and draw a picture of
a teenage, african-american girl with wild, unmanageable curly hair shedding every ounce of water in her body
out on this here paper.
i may play some metal
or maybe old school rap.
it's all right.
everything is perfect, family.
don't worry about me please don't.
i'm okay really.
i don't think about death every second of every day:
monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday and sunday-
nope.
not once have i layed on my grungy carpet and tried to scratch the flesh off of my fat arms and
bled.
i would never even think to do **** a horrendous thing.
i love me so that's enough, right?
but when the love that i have for myself
starts competing with the love that my family is supposed to have for me
then maybe things may become difficult.
it might start to become difficult for me to love myself the way i should be loved.
im ******* fantastic.
but who cares if I see that?
if no one else sees it then might as well be a *******, right?
if my parents interrogate me every ******* time i leave the house
like they have caught me shooting ****** in my room,
what will stop me from actually shooting up morning, afternoon, and before bed?

i swallowed half a bottle last week.
tell me when the ***** will be enough.
tell me when i'll be enough.
i die a little more each day.
a little piece used to erode away from my flesh when i cried,
now there's no more to go.
"Oh, how rude of me to bring my thoughts inside your bedroom."
i am only a Guilty Sadist,
waiting for my soul to float back into infinity.
These problems are only in my imagination.
"We don't even exist anyways."
That's what i keep telling myself but,
this pain seems so real.
The emotional things are becoming physical
and these cuts and bruises on my body aren't fictional.
I am ****** to hell,
but it's not a physical place.
Heaven and hell are only states of mind.
maybe i can escape
and maybe not.
Don't ridicule me because i don't believe in god or allah or buddah or satan,
i have killed myself enough for the both of us.
i am in a whirlwind of emotions and heartbreaks and tears and screams and ghosts and demons and
music.
let the music play.
hear the gentle strum of the guitar and it will all be alright
... but it is still here.
help me
.
**please

The breeze from my fan gently caresses my body.
I am engulfed in the sweetness of the silence
and the ***** of the dark.
It's twenty-eight past one and I'm wide awake.
It isn't insomnia that overwhelms me on this night.
It is the thought of my queens stepping off their thrones
for me.
Mother and grandmother will be united with their prized possession in mere moments;
well moments are actually hours,
but time is slipping through my fingers.
Who would have thought that on the first of August,
a single visit from a family member could make me feel this way?
Happiness truly does exist when you wait for it.
He sure is a trickster in the world of imagination:
He hides for such a long time and makes it appear as if he has gone,
but he's not.
He's watching every move
and after a few cases of disphoric actions occur,
Happiness, accompanied by Karma, jump out to save their children.
It's beautiful,
also quite irritating,
but beautiful, all the same.
This is just the way of the world.
The sooner one comes to this realization,
the sooner they will be content with their own being.

Seal up my love and ship it away.
There may be many out there for me,
but only one caresses my heart and cuddles my soul.
His name must abstain from my lips.
For his train, I have missed and I'll watch it whistle away.
Continue down this path in hell.
I count the days you've wished me will or
said goodnight or held me tight.
Your words no longer kiss my ears
or love my fears
or tell me sorrowful lullabies.
Give me my heart back,
in a cup.
The sunset can wait.
I want you as mine.
I;ll love you until the skies run dry,
until your lips graze mine,
until the end of time

Everyday I look for you.
I know you're gone but still...
Every class, every test, every ******* meal.
I still ask myself, "Why you?"
Can anybody answer that? Really? Who?
I die a little more each day,
waiting for you to hold me again;
to tell me you love me and for me to smile.
I know it's bee a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every song I hear, brings one more tear
to add to the collection
and more and more nostalgic seconds.
You're supposed to be here with me,
not with Marilyn and Bob Marley.
I was mad at you in the beginning,
but anger doesn't bring a happy ending.
I cried today and yesterday and the day before that...
I wonder what happened to your favorite hat.
This is terrible, i feel like ****.
Who knew this would be it?

I said “No.
Not ever again. I won’t like him!
We’re just great friends.”
That worked for a bit,
until you gave me what I've wanted
since our first kiss.
You told me,
“I’d be the perfect girlfriend.”
So where is that now?
Jesus!
I’m not asking for kids!
I just want you.
You’re so much more than you think you are.
I wish you could see just how beautiful you are to me.
I treasure your dark eyes,
and the way you twirl your ***** hair when you are focused.
I love the way you laugh way too loud for a joke that isn't that funny.
I want to wake up to you every morning
and fall asleep with you every night.
Butterflies don't even describe what happens inside
when I see you.
Each time I see you with her,
my organs and arteries
contort and shift
and the gaping void inside me widens.
Each time you don't wave back,
the despair in my bones
aches and cries and moans.
When it's not me that you run to in your time of need,
I slice my heart open and watch myself bleed
until-

I can say, "You'll love me one day." for all eternity,
but until you realize that I am the one for you,
the way that I have,
they are only words.
Meaningless,
disgusting,
irrelevant.
Just like me.

I want you,
only you,
all of you,
Forever with you.
I believe there’s a plan for you and I.
We’ll grow up,
move on,
then you’ll come back and “we” will be.
Maybe...
My heart throbs
When I see you laugh.
That smile is worth a thousand words
and a million songs.
Yet,
Somehow,
I cannot choose
any combination of sounds
from any of the thousands of languages
found on this one planet,
in this one galaxy,
in the billions of multiversus.
We are nothing in the cosmic perspective,
But you,
You are everything.

What have I become?
I drink and I smoke,
I cry and mope,
and I **** and I poke
and loose myself in what I didn't want to be.
Just be you!
Is that so hard?
Not a ***** or a ****
or a *** or a broad.
I have loved him
the same
since the first day.
I've watched him recycle girls-
just throw them away.
I've been by his side
and that is where i will stay.
Just hoping that one day,
I'll have my way.

You tell me you love me
and then we smile.
I know it’s been a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every year I shed another tear.
He told me he loved me,
I don’t quite know what that means.
He told me he loved me,
those words ring in my ears.
You love me? Oh, do you?
Well I feel the same,
but now we’ll never see each other again.
I’m sorry,
I’m sad.
You were my best friend.
I’ll love you forever and always,
Over and over again.

You’d be sixteen, hell ya it’s true.
You’d party it up-
Smoke ****,
Drink *****.
But would you? Or have I mistaken?
I will never know because you were taken
From me.
I will never get to see
what you could have been to me.
You’ll always be fourteen
and not a year older,
or two,
or three…
When people ask me about you,
I just say “Let me be!”
I can’t think of you,
I can’t and I won’t.
You make me cry and mope,
so instead of thinking of you,
I escape and I smoke.
At least for a little bit, you are dormit in my mind,
but when I come down and I start to unwind-
I have come to find
that the smoke in my lungs and the drink in my veins is
never
going to bring you back to me again.
You’re gone forever,
up in heaven, or wherever people like you go,
is where you will stay.
At least I can call you my homie
Forever and always.

*p.s. thank you for never being anything less than you and always loving me for me.

“Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hour’s close at hand.”*
Strangers creep and growl and stalk
searching for something to pluck.
A young one,
misguided,
too much makeup on
and too short shorts.
She’s vulnerable and scared,
not ready to stroke.
Her mom is gone,
her dad drinks all day long.
She doesn't listen to anyone;
not a preacher or a teacher,
or a friend or a foe.
She’s out on her own,
so cold and alone.
This is what they look for
for play.

I'll call you yesterday, tomorrow, today.
Not out loud, of course,
In my mind- that's where it'll stay.
You miss me, you have to!
I'm drifting away
into this sweet nothing.
I've been here before.
It's not quite that sweet
but it keeps me less bored.
"It's you, it's you. It's all for you,
everything I do.
I tell you all the time,
Heaven is a place on Earth with you."
Your words repeat in my ears.
I can't help it but they run away
with my tears.
Every time I cry for you,
about you,
with you,
a little piece erodes away.
I want to stay,
but baby, it get's harder and harder
every day.

"We were laughing in a daydream."*
The clouds began to disappear.
Rays of sunlight trickle upon your face.
I kissed all of your fears away.
Days like this come very few.
Let's enjoy it,
for all will be gone soon.
A smile appears on your face-
reassurance that I'm not too late.
Our love is strong like the sea.
Days like this,
are miracles.
Miraculous memory making
between beautiful babies-
in the eyes of the Earth, that is.
Not even a small blip on the radar of the universe.
How is our love so secure?

Play that guitar for me.
Nice and smooth.
Play covers of my favorite songs.
Let's listen to you
and love life
and appreciate the good music the world has to offer.
Do I recognize that song?
Maybe? - Yeah!
I've heard that,
but your arrangement is so rad.
How does one wake up each morning
a little better than the night before?
You make life a little easier.
you make me feel sure
of us and lust and trust and serenity.
I love me and you and the universe.
We will live in happiness for a long time
til infinity.

I have found you,
but in your eyes, I'm not seen.
I may be different,
but you don't have to be so mean.
I know of my abilities.
I know of yours too.
Just show me something.
Let your indigo light flatter my features
and caress my soul.
It's not red or coral
or navy or white.
We're indigos and nothing compares.
A rare breed, is what we are.
A rare breed of "kids"
We've been here before, we already know better.
We see signs of greatness and glimmers of power.
Don't underestimate us,
for these indigos are anything but cowards.

A poem a day keeps
the good thoughts in their place.
I’ve been here before,
but I’ll stay out of the way.
Others have lessons to learn,
I'm just here to guide.
I don’t feel like staying inside,
Or going outside.
I've been here before,
There’s nothing too new.
Even if there was,
I’ll figure it out before you do.
I'm here to guide you,
But I’ll stay in my place
I’ve been here before,
But I’ll just relax-
There’s no need race.