It was only a dream,
but honestly... it was so much more.
The time i got to spend with you,
will forever be important to me.
You will always hold a special place in my heart.

It was only a dream...
but the moments we shared,
felt so real.
When you kissed me,
It felt like i belonged somewhere.
When you kissed me,
I felt whole.

It was only a dream...
*but everything about it felt so right.

I guess I was saying I wanted to get drunk
because I was too afraid to say what I actually wanted.
I was terrified to tell you how I really felt.
I figured if I told you I loved you while I was intoxicated
It could easily be covered up with the excuse that I was drinking.

I want too badly to tell you how I feel,
But I am terrified about how you'll take it.

I no longer feel joy within myself.
I'm always searching for something more
and It's ruining me because I never know what it is.

I want to be happy,
But at the same time
I don't want to feel any happier
than what I'm feeling now.
I know that if I search hard enough,
I'll find what I'm looking for
but I have to find motivation first.

It take way to much effort to even be able
to get out of bed.
Or even look at myself in the mirror.
How can I go through life
if it pains me to look at myself.

I can't keep going like this.

It's like my skin was ice,
and all I wanted to do was skate.
With the sharp metal pressed against my body
I had no more thoughts left to stop me.
I was being consumed by the monster,
that lived inside my mind.

Not only was I left with physical scars,
I was damaged on the inside.
The monster trying to claw it's way out
beat me until there was nothing left.

I sat in wonder,
trying to figure out if he was still with me.
I had no signs, but I could never be too sure.

He always had a way of letting me know of his presence,
Sometimes I would meet him in my dreams,
or I would see his name in the blood on my skin.
but more often than usual,
I could always find him in my shadow.

Things aren't like they used to be any more.  Granted I'm a lot happier where I am now, but it’s like my feelings have bi polar disorder. It’s almost exactly like I'm riding a roller coaster every day.
II still have bad days, but so does everyone else. What makes me so special?
I just wanted you to realize that if my feelings had meant a little more to you maybe it wouldn't feel like you were playing around with my feelings. Almost like it was some kind of game for you.
You always had to be the one to win, it always seemed like you had to knock me down to make yourself feel better. I was tired of getting this kind of treatment from my family.
Instead of sticking around to watch myself fall, I decided to stand, Stand up for myself. I was no longer a victim of yours. I made a choice for myself, and even though you didn't seem to agree with me, I didn't care. I wasn't going to have you control MY life.
I was tired of trying to make you see that I was much more than what you could only see on the outside. I wasn't some fat girl you could make fun of, and even though I had a little bit more body mass than you, I could still find beauty in myself, despite what you told me.
This was all a joke. And you say I'm the bad guy. Why don’t you open your eyes? Maybe if you had stopped to smell the roses you may have seen the beauty in life; the beauty that already exists.
There is beauty in everything, and everybody. Just not everyone can see it. And that’s sad, because everybody deserves to be noticed.

I wanted to make you proud.
You told me that I needed to try harder. So I did.
But you also told me that I was never good enough,
Which made me feel like my dreams weren't anything worth dreaming.
I was told, that in order for people to like me, I needed to be skinny.
I was under the impression that if I didn't measure up to your standards,
I would never be good enough for someone else.

I spent days upon days just trying to figure out that my grandmother,
was the one to try to make me somebody I couldn't be.
I spent countless months trying to understand why I was never good enough, Why I could never make her proud.
I only wanted to make you proud.
But when I was cut out of the picture with the scissors I gave you,
It made me think that maybe this wasn't what I was destined to do.
Maybe I had it all wrong.
Maybe I was looking at the wrong family tree.
If you had only known that I spent time crying by myself as I watched the words you say to me exit the wounds on my wrists like scolding lava that left more than just physical scars.
If you had only known that the only thing to save me then was a boy that you hated despite the fact that you had never met.
Maybe,  
Just maybe if you had seen the way my eyes lit up every time he said my name.
Maybe if you had felt the way I melted inside when he looked at me.
Maybe if you had felt the way I did when the butterflies wouldn't settle down every time he said he loved me.

If you had only understood, that from the beginning I only wanted to make you proud. But that wasn't ever good enough. Success was never good enough. My happiness; was never good enough.

It's still shocking
How after all that
I've over come
I can still find myself back
In the same place i started.
It's surprising,
How i thought
That after all I went through
I'd learn from my mistakes,
Or so you'd think.

Here I am,
Sitting on the foot of my bed,
Holding the gun in may hands
Contemplating life.

I was sure i had it all
figured out this time.
I was certain that
I had it all right.
This time,
There was no room
For mistakes.
This time,
I'm sure
My plan
Would follow through.


Bang,
The gun goes off,
The problem had been solved,
I would no longer
Be a mistake.
I would no longer
Trouble you with my presence.
I would no longer hurt you.