Don't look me up
You will not like what you find
Past is past for a reason
I forgive quickly but
Deep cuts scar the best
Belt around the bicep
I'm accustomed to balled fists
Bruised and pierced
Swimming in a broken blood vessel
Cause I just wanna forget- Everything
I can see it in your eyes
You wanna fight or **** me
Can't tell you the difference
Because
I don't want to go to hell
Maybe just a visit
God hates track marks
But the devil likes to kiss them
Demons want to talk to me
While I'm at dinner with my family
On repeat
The world is spinning
And I am on a certain dark street
Lurch lights a cigarette when the cop lights flash on
One more strike and you're gone
A God of second chances
I would know for certain
Just a peak behind the curtain
Heaven sent oblivion
I'm fine with being alone
Its better this way
Because people ask too many questions
Like:
Why are you wearing long sleeves on a hot summer day?

'Ten years from my successful seventeen, and a cold voice says: What have you done, what have you done?'
Sylvia Plath - journal entry Wednesday 4th November 1959.*

Now, like a typewriter ribbon,
worn-down and weak
as a shrinking pencil,
but there are white days
among those fruitless, bare ones,
spasmodic,
where the machine
gorges on characters
you create.

Multi-coloured rhapsody,
confident stories
have upped and left,
what can you do,
what have you done.
Feast on unknown delights,
astrology or foreign waffle
and wait for them to come.
They will come.

Ten years, ten calendars gone,
now your hair is up
rather than tumbling down,
need some buoyancy in a bottle,
medicine again,
take twice a day.

What you need,
crave, long after seventeen
sleeps inside you
silent
and will come alive,
your small siren,
as will every pitch-black word.

My first kiss tasted of soy sauce.
Not literally tasted! We didn’t go that far,
but the bitter saltiness of it
only enhanced the sweetness of the moment.
He had never had Chinese food,
And I had never been kissed.
That’s right! At the age of 17
My lips had never met another boy’s
And for the first time, in my car
Outside the band room, I swear I could
have heard music floating in the air
in the small space between my face
and his as he leaned In for a second peck.
We dated for a while, but eventually
We broke up because we were too similar, I guess.
I liked men, and, uh, so did he…
I began to think I missed my chance I that kiss
And the validity of it was brought into question.
Maybe I had missed my chance
Way back on the playground
Because I never stole kisses behind the slide
Or teased the boys with my third grade girlish charm
Like all my other friends.
Maybe, deep down, I knew I could only settle
On true love.
Not just a fling that was only a thing
For a week of “pure bliss”
Because when I find love, I want Full House perfection.
I want a Tanner family connection.
Something that when I go grocery shopping
I can proudly say, “Those kids climbing the walls
And that man knocking on all the watermelons.
Yeah, I’m with them.”
And people will have no other choice
But to understand the perfection I am in.
I hold onto the hope that someday
The strings connecting all the living things
Will tie me together with someone I can love
And who will love me
And one day I will find a man who
Doesn’t have the dreaded cootie disease.
Because for every Adam,
there must be an Eve or where else would we be?
Someday and one day can seem so far way
If you get anxious,
But I will let things fall in place
For me to fall in love.
I just have to remember
Not to be afraid to taste the soy sauce.

I will always remember
Those nights we laughed and sang songs till dawn
I will always remember
The days we fought and rambled on and on
I will always remember
The stories we'd ask each other to make late at night
I will always remember
How we would start talking in less than an hour after a fight
I will always remember
How your chocolate brown musing eyes looked into mine
I will always remember
When we hugged our bodies would like a puzzle fit just fine
I will always remember
How you pushed me in the hallway while fighting
I will always remember
Talking to you was always exciting
I will always remember
How I'd make you a remind list and you'd tell me your stories
I will always remember
The things we did and OUR memories
I will always remember
Your pudgy stomach and chubby thighs
I will always remember
When you held me at the birthday party and you sighed
I will always remember
Telling you stories about my dogs and family
I will always remember
When you cried you would sound like a baNy
I will always remember
The person who mimicked Mr bean
I will always remember
How your hair never looked clean(:p)
I will always remember
You loved talking about science
I will always remember
How kissing you gave me mice
I will always remember
The problems we helped each other pass through
I will always remember
You.

It flows
Like blood
Like fire
Like tears down my face
It hurts
Like love
Like hate
Like an end of the days
I want
I need
I don't even care
I cry
I weep
But nobody's there
The balcony is calling
Softly
Sweetly
It hurts to ignore
The ground below it
What am I waiting for?
The knife is whispering
Inside my head
It hurts to ignore
The peace behind the blade
What am I waiting for?
The  fire is calling
In my hand
It hurts to ignore
It's lung killing brand
What am I waiting for?
**** me
Hurt me
I'm so immune
Stab me
Laugh
Drive the knife home
Unfair with me
But not with them
Because you love them
You love them
You do
I'll **** them
And then **** you
Because I hate you
I hate you
I do
I'm insane
I've crossed the line
I feel the heady
On the Joy of time
After you've taken to much
After so little
I'm insane
I am
I look to the mirror
It speaks to me
I yell as my answer
As I am guilty
The mirror laughs
Like it always does
Then morphs into me
And by then
Through the tears
I can barely see
I hurt, I hurt
But I'll never let it show
Right down to the day I **** myself. No
Point in denying my end is my own
And I'll see to my life, on the way home
My head is collapsing
But my eyes are wide open
My shoulders crumble
My torso dissolves
But my legs keep walking
Until they fall
And fall they do
However, they fall up
And my head is abandoned
While my legs float up
I've no way to regain
The rest of myself
And what's left of me
Is still useless
Collecting dust on the shelf
And there's no one to love
And no one who'll love
There's no one to smile with
No one to talk to
And yet, all in all
I still stop in awe
As I look at those people
That I called friends
Who know so much
But so little in the end
And my family
Which isn't family at all
And my father whom I hate
And mother I abhor
And sisters I despise
What am I waiting for?
I could end it all
End it all tonight
**** them all
And leave at first light
And that's when I remember
I'm not truly insane
I put the knife away
And scold my brain
A stick of cancer at my lips
To chase the thoughts away
And as I inhale
I feel saner in every way
A fake smile that carries me through the day
I show it to my friends
And brush away
My problems, my issues
Because I don't matter
They should be happy
As my heart shatters
Four years, four years
Since my insanity began
I found love
I lost it again
I gave up my body
For hasty "I love you's"
Gave up my soul
Though I didn't mean to
Gave up my heart
I gave it to him
He thanked me
Took it
And left with it
A lifeless
Loveless
Disgusting corpse, I am
A foolish
Hopeful
Shell of what I used to be
I'm still waiting
Still hoping
But It'll never come
Just a bit too ugly
A bit too mean
A bit too caring
A bit too confident
A bit too smart
A bit too dumb
A bit too Me
To ever find love
A bit too paranoid
A bit too hurt
A bit too aggressive
A bit too hateful
To ever want it
A bit too human
A bit too desperate
A bit too needy
A bit too clingy
A bit too expecting
To not need it
And the Balcony calls me
And the Noose calls me
And the Knife calls me
And the Flame calls me
And Death is just behind their voices
And I run
Run
Run
And they follow
**** me
**** me now
I'd like to fly
To be free
Above the clouds
Or at the very least die
For the absence of sound
I'd exalt in that second
Where I would be free
Before the fire's of hell
Would rear up to claim me
I'd laugh
I'd scream
I know I'd shout
As I let the years
Of suppressed insanity out
And I roar it down
Onto the Earth
Until everyone feels my pain
But before I let the thought fester
I shake the insanity away
It's funny how
I think I'm insane anyway
I'm just a normal child
With a bit more pain
Wearing  my heart on my sleeve
In the pouring rain
And so I beg one last time
**** me
**** me dead.

I forget that you can wake up with me on your mind, too.
I think of you as something that happened to me
as a prize for smiling plenty, baking a lovely chocolate cake,
whatever.

I forget that we happened to each other
and that specific corners of your brain are devoted to me,
that the texture of my hair is in there somewhere
that it is what commands your tongue to silken my lips.

I forget that we happened to each other
and that something so beautiful, or anything at all, is capable
of loving me back. Not one person made for another,
but two made for each other –
you breathe and you love me at the same time.
I breathe and love you at the same time that you love me.

My mother gave me a locket that has, “love is patient,”
engraved on its hind, in English and in French. I wonder if that
is another excuse for her not being able to love me
the first fourteen years of my life.
The necklace has a cross, too – her saying He took care of me
when she could not. Second in importance, yet,
am I to an absent father too busy upstairs to say morning.
“Love is kind,” is a sort of finale, somehow fireworks
say that no one has ever loved me up to my mother’s standards.
She did not flinch when she gave me this. It
is understanding that she was not the only love I did not have.