One day,
when I'm six feet in the ground
And my body becomes bug food
And my bones become bug food
And my brain becomes big food
I hope with every bite
they catch glimpses of you
In every bit they are shown our smiles
They are shown our laughs
I hope there privy to our hours of conversation
I hope they get visions of you kissing me
The way we held eachother
Even when the others fire burnt us
I hope there senses are over run
The way your smile made mine
I hope they hear you
calling my name in the moonlight
The way words sounded like poetry coming from your lips
I hope there minds are full
Of my memories with you
Because even in death
We will never be apart

i sit alone
in a room full of people
i observe the groups
they laugh, they talk
i sit silently trapped
inside a cell i made myself
inside my head
i scream wanting to leave
wanting someone to save me
but lower i fall
i can fake a smile
fake a laugh but
what no one sees is the girl inside
but still i say i'm living
i can say i'm fine
but one day
when im older
i will defeat depression

sometimes i think its obvious
when i look back at my life
like somehow by being stronger then them
i earned myself happiness
like i had to endure the bad
live with the brokeness
build myself from the ground
so that i would be able to fully understand
the truth about falling in love

life isnt fair
it isnt kind
it doesnt discriminate
from weak to strong
the rich or poor
none of that matters
nobody asks for the pain
nobody asks for the blessings
they just come
and sometimes thats the only thing that keeps us going
but sometimes it leaves us lost in pieces
broken beyond repair
left alone in a lost sea
that someone has yet to
D I S C O V E R

you play games
on innocent girls hearts
you watch as the damage you make pans out
and then you go on the run
searching for another innocent life to lodge yourself into
making them feel worthless
making them feel broken
making them hate themselves
thinking they owe you there bodys
there lives
there souls
because they arent living it the way you say they should
that they need to obey you
no matter the circumstance
they must obsess over you
and when there broken enough not to anymore
you do it all again

don't dive in
the waters are to deep
and you might drown
for i look like a puddle
but when you jump in
you realize that you are being
****** to the depths
of the darkest ocean
in our universe

You and me can make it
We will get to the other side
Like lovers do
I will reach my hands
Into your darkness
Wait for yours to interlock
I will stay with you
Because i know our love is true
I'm not giving up
So i wont let you
Even when were on our last breath
Even if were told theres nothing left
So please don't give up on me

i see the stares
that people
T H R O W
at us when we have
panic attacks
i see
Y O U R
eyes darting
with judgement
and sometimes i wish
you would stop throwing judgement
long enough to find
K I N D N E S S

I wasnt kidding when I said I love you
I meant it with all my heart
All my soul
With all of me
you are my world
don't pretend not to see
how happy I am
how in love I am
how much I want to be with you
because I love you is hard
but with you it comes easy

there's some doors i don't let anyone
O PE N
cause if i let them there's a chance that they would
L E A V E
and not come back and i know that i am
S C A R E D
so i leave this door locked
you might get other doors you can open but thid doors
N O T
i apologize if im to emotionally
D A M A G E D
but i built these walls when i was young
and i dont mean to shut people
O U T
but its a habit i've gotten used to
i only hope im not too far gone to
L E T    Y O U    I N

here we sit hiding
F E A R
between my teeth
my eyes dart
S E A R C H I N G
for a key
or maybe a code
anything that i could
use to open these
D O O R S

why am I broken
when did I get flaws
why do you treat me
like I don't deserve a shred of worth
promise I'm not a fake ******* up lost cause
I know I'm human
but you treat me like something else
and I know I'm human
so why do you treat me like I'm something else
I've always been there for you
even when think don't think it is true
I helped out
I watched them cry
I dried their tears
but now I know there's no one here that even cares

double dutch.
double dutch
double dutch
life is like double dutch
we jump in and out of twisting ropes
pay attention.
pay attention
pay attention
you have to pay attention
because if you don't you might trip
don't fall.
don't fall
don't fall
don't you dare fall
because if you do we wont help you
jump the ropes.
jump the ropes
jump the ropes
jump in time with the ropes
because if you don't you will be left behind

i had a dream
it was about you and me
it was about our future
about the places we are going
i always thought i would never find my one
but now that i have you
i promise i wont ever let you go

when i was a kid
i had a large
D R E A M   C A T C H E R
it sat on my wall
and i gave it all of my
A S P I R A T I O N S
and yesterday i found it in a box
that was filled with old pictures
and when i saw this
D R E A M
catcher i hung it in my window
to remember the times
that were much
S I M P L E R

dreamer
that's what he is
a dreamer
my heart is his
this dreamer
has been so good
like im dreaming
something done by only cupid

the spirits lead me through my
D R E A M S
but it seems that my dreams are only to deceive
my eyes and my mind
from the brokenness that lies
I N S D E

you get so excited for me
when im driving to your house
and im riding through the corn fields
crying cause i miss you now
and your probably with your sister
waiting for me to call
i pull up in your driveway
trying not to look to scared
but when you smile
i have to ask myself how i could ever love someone else?
and its not like we are perfect
but ive never felt this way for anyone
and i love to imagine every time
you make things okay even when
everything's all wrong

i float in a boat
it sits low in the water
it slowly is filling
with the raging black ocean
and i am just watching
while it rises to my throat
and up my nose
until finally i
D R O W N

i am a strong believer that there are 5 steps to drowning
S T E P 1
panic: at this point you flail your arms reach skyward
pray that a god saves you
pray someone saves you
S T E P 2
tired: at this point you have used all your energy
your adrenalin has run out
your will to keep trying has run out
S T E P 3
fall: at this point you feel the water slip past your fingertips
feel the water engulf you
feel the waves pushing you down farther
S T E P 4
calm: at this point you realize how beautiful the water is
watch as everything slows down
maybe a fish slowly passes you
maybe a snail slowly crawls toward you
S T E P 5
burn: at this point you start to acknowledge a strong burn in your chest
you realize your not breathing
you take a deep breath
you embrace the water as your lungs fill
you close your eyes as the water takes yet another ****

Water rushing above me
The surface breaking and folding
Bubbles floating escaping my lips
Vibrating out of my nose
Floating above my hair
Burning in my chest that seems to keep growing
Reaching toward the light
Just out of reach
As hundreds of hands rush down
Pushing me further
Taking me deeper
Until my lungs stop
Until i feel the buzz of oxygen
Until i remember how to fill my balloons
Until i remember how to float
Until these fake bladders
fill with amber liquid
Until my breath comes back stronger
And the images of me drowning fade
into the back of my skull
Like distant memories
And i realize that i'm not in water
But a hospital bed
Drowning in fluids i produced
Realizing that my body’s slowly killing me

thats what they call it
when the only parent
that you  have
L E F T
decides that you
are less important than the screen of a
C O M P U T E R
when he feels more like a
R O O M M A T E
than the man your supposed to love
than the man your supposed to look up to
more like a roommate than his role as a
F A T H E R

every day that the dawn rises
i find myself celebrating
as another day passes
because at least i made it
this far
making me this much closer
to the end of my time

i admit im broken
i can point out all my flaws
but i know what i deserve
because im not just another lost cause
and i make mistakes
because im human
im not something else
and i refuse to be scared to mess up
and i dont need anyone there
to hold me up because
ive finally realized im
enough

her eyes held stars
her heart held so much love
she was young in sul
old in age
but you broke her
shattering her little heart
like she never meant anything
she probably didn't
but to me
she meant everything

you set the bar
into the sky
how could i ever leave you
i dont want to be 30 something
and still in my head
thinking about 18 something
in a hotel room bed
talking about forever
wrapped up in your arms
you are my everything

you set the bar
in the stars
how could i ever want to leave you
i would rather be 30 something
holding our kids
telling them about 18 something
the love story we wrote
reading them every word and chapter
you will always be my everything

every time you curse my name
i know you cant let go
every time you call me out
I know you want control
every time you break me down
i now ill get back up
every time you take from me
i know he wont
every time i let him in
i know he loves me true
but every time i think of you
i still cry into a pillow

i find myself standing around
playing with my keys finding reasons not to
L E A V E
driving just a little to
S L O W
taking the longest way
H O M E
in this world i found myself existing
A L O N E

oh your eyes
the window to the soul
but his where blank
each time he
R O B B E D
me of the things a child
a young lady
should not lose
at such a young
A G E
i tried to always focus
on those cruel
E Y E S
as if i could find
the slightest  bit of
S Y M P A T H Y

im in my bed
with your sweatshirt on
it still smells like september,
your blue eyes and me wrapped in your arms
and your so beautiful
what am i now
somebody you love
somebody you cant
and you wont live with out
ive fallen for you

im falling
for someone who loved me first
someone who wants me
and that feels amazing

I think the lesson I learned
while trying to avoid you
and your words
the pain you cause everyone around you
that its easier sometimes to just lay in bed
and hope you fall asleep
before you fall completely apart

sometimes u could hear a pin drop
in between the awkward silence
other times i would hear their screams
when they thought i was asleep
arguments over little things
that never really mattered
sometimes i think they just wanted the
F I G H T

i can still feel the bite
the influence you had on me
i hear it everytime i ask permission
to do things i know he wont care about
like im still your obedient puppy
my head still so full
you broke me down
until i didnt even recognize any of my characteristics
i wonder if in another place at another time
somehow your soul was licensed to torture mine
like a sick contract with the devil
because even when ive left you
left your town
even left your friends
i still see you pop up in every store
staring pretending you didnt become
the most hateful person ive  ever met

how can you miss someone
that you've never met
cause im missing you
N O W
because im lost inside my mind again

how can you miss someone
you've never seen
is your hair red brown or green
and do you drink it straight
or like honey in your tea

because i need you. please
F I N D    M E

if you see  the girl
i used to be could you
tell her im trying to
F I N D   H E R
and if you see the shell
that's left of me
could take the time to spear a little
K I N D N E S S
cause i've been
H I G H
and i've been
L O W
i've spent a thousand nights
A L O N E
trying to hold on tight
to something that was never
M I N E

A storm in my heart
That has caused my emotions
To come in waves
Crashing to shore with choppy waves
From hundreds of stormy nights
And only the lucky ones
Make it to the shores
Because only a few
Find the lighthouse I'm hiding
With dark foggy clouds

watch the smoke
poor out the doors
the fire climes
my head dizzy
was i wrong
should i not
have listened to his
words
after all
he was
a twisted soul
but was he wrong

No one expects
An angel to set the world
On fire
But just you wait
Cause one day these flames
That I hide under my skin
Will burn you

There is a house fire
But it’s dying down now
I escaped your grasp
Forgot the pain you put me through
Forgot the way he flames felt
Licking my cheeks
The third degree burn are finally healing
You don’t get to write my death time
Because my hearts still beating
These flames didn’t flat line me
Even though they should have
Even though you wanted them to
Except now I control the flames
Putting them out around me
So I guess it’s my turn to ask
What do you control?

have you ever felt like your
F L O A T I N G
like in your a deep ocean not falling no
F L O A T I N G
like the wind could blow you any were just
F L O A T
away, like time is moving raging quickly
and no matter how used to it you are  you still hate
F L O A T I N G

some days i feel like a
F L O W E R
the petals are my
C O N F I D E N C E
the petals red stained with my
B L O O D
the leaves green with my will to
L I V E
the stem rising high to show my
G R O W T H
the buds the pain i hold
I N S I D E