when you were younger
you were my
R E D G I A N T
and as you got older you became my
S U P E R N O V A
but as we met our teen years you became my
B L A C K H O L E
stealing my light
and leaveing me in darkness

i expected you not to give up on me
i wish it was easy to forget you
smile as best as i can
pretend that im okay
i wish you hadn't given up on me
thought you would apologize
thought you would come back
because you were a father
but i wasn't the child you wanted

my lips are stained
made bittersweet by my defeat
my words on your lips
made salty poisoned by your words
my life is gone
made buttery by your knife

i wish i could lose the weight
I wish I could fast
I wish I could diet
I wish I could do better
and I try
and I push
and I work
and I lose
and I gain
and I ***** up
I work hard so so hard
and yet your never happy
its never enough

his eyes shined in the soft sunlight
i found peace in his violence
cant figure out why hes trying
i asked hi his name
and he smiled at me like a fox
and said "i am a boy called love"

your words are threads you can
speak them fast you can speak
them slow you can  speak them
when no one else can know you
string these strands into a song a
poem that can grow so long so
like i said for you to know
remember that even your words
are like threads that you can weave

Just like a fire
I will light your world
When darkness pulls you under
And sadness holds you
And you grow cold
I will be your fire
Warming you
Holding you tighter then any sadness could ever
And i will be your light
Like a sun
Burning the night sky away
I will be there
When no one else wants to
When pain and brokenness
Leaves its call in your mind
I will leave my call
Screaming louder then the pain could ever

thats what they call it
when the only parent
that you  have
L E F T
decides that you
are less important than the screen of a
C O M P U T E R
when he feels more like a
R O O M M A T E
than the man your supposed to love
than the man your supposed to look up to
more like a roommate than his role as a
F A T H E R

don't dive in
the waters are to deep
and you might drown
for i look like a puddle
but when you jump in
you realize that you are being
****** to the depths
of the darkest ocean
in our universe

in the pit
the old tree burns
your and in mine
an old song on our lips
i loved that old
A S H    W O O D   T R E E

i wish someone had thought
to tell me how easy it is to fall in love
how easy it is to kiss your lips
to ignore every other sound
and focus on you
i also wish someone had told me
how hard it can be
to get away from the in the brokeness
the pain or insults or even the lies
because it is so easy
to just take it
knowing that leaving
would give me a broken heart

rewrite the memories
reword the story
of my past of my future
if i could change anything to
R E W R I T E
the story of you & I

When I asked her
Why she loved thunderstorms
I was genuinely surprised
By her saying
"Because,
It shows that even the world
Has to scream sometimes
And so when the lightning strikes
I too scream
With the world"

Broken.
Shattered, like glass
Shards spreading to far
Out of my reach
Out of his
Lost.
Missing, but no amber alert
Cant call on someone
Who's standing in front of you
But still i'm gone
Without cause
Hurt.
Pain, coursing through like a bullet wound
I don't mean to be cruel
Or cold
But my pieces are gone
Found.
Sitting on the edge
Ready for the fall
Memorizing the rocks at the bottom
Watching the waves crash wondering
If its deep enough to drown
Wondering what they would say
Attention.
Thats what they will say i want
Except i don't
They will say i'm crying for help
Except i'm hopeless
They will say i'm faking
Except i want out
They will say i'm a coward
Because they don't see all the missing pieces

as i breath in the smoky air
falling around me
as you walk into my life
i thought i had missed you
but i've already moved on
if only to allow myself
to walk back out of your life
because with you i quit
B R E A T H I N G

your saying that you wont give up on me
you say that like its so **** easy
you see through my best disguise
nock my walls down
and promise im safe
and i believe you
i believe you
you know how to make it okay
and i cant help falling in love
cant help letting you into my heart
and into my mind
into my soul
like your part of my design
and you say a promise
sweetly whispered for only me to hear
you say you wont give up on me

i usually dont cry
i would say I've done pretty good
at shutting you out but
last night was the very first time
I had you run through my mind
at I thought I was going to die with you in my heart

I usually go out with friends
not even thinking of you once
but then I hear our song again
and for some reason, it takes me back

I usually don't break
when I hear your name
traveling out someone's mouth
really thought I was done with the hardest part
learned how to pull myself out of your arms

i was three
and i thought you loved
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought it was okay
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought you cared for me
and you let me
knowing i was young
knowing i didnt understand

i was three
and i thought you where happy to see me
and you let me
knowing i was  young
knowing i didnt understand

i hope your taller then me
so i can wear heels
but not to tall
so we can kiss without having to be on my tippy toes
i hope your fun loving
so we can dance barefoot in the grass
but not to fun loving
so you know when its time to stop
i hope your kind
so that it affects every person around you
but not to kind
so you don't get walked all over
i hope you've had it hard at some point
so you can understand my tears
but not to hard
so you can still smile when i see you
i hope you love me
so the forever ive dreamed of comes true
i hope you love me
so i can read you this poem
on our 50th anniversary and be in love all over again

i write on these walls
the words in my head
i put holes next in the wall
i wish i could stop
i guess my problem
is that i don't fix my problems
i paint over them
but the paint is thin
and it can still be read
reading one of the first things
when i lost my trust
for the family surrounding
the worst after i lost my hope
that was long ago
one day this door will open
and i will clean the walls

i love you
not for what you have
but for how you make me feel
your the stuck i my head
your face replaying in the forefront of my memory
your smile stuck in my head

i love you
not for what you have
but for the warmth you bring me
your every touch
lighting my entire body on fire
you love sticking to my bones

Your not who I wanted
Your not who I needed
But Your who came
When I was crying in the night
So I guess I will stay
But only for the next few days

its funny you ask me to thaw my heart
but your the one who makes every argument physical
its not my fault we have no connection
not my fault the only place we get along is in public
when we are draped in elegant clothes
and broken memories
that keep us smiling in the crowds

you kissed me like
F I R E
i cleansed  you like
W A T E R
but you crushed me like
E A R T H
and i blew you away like
W I N D

who's
B L O O D
is this?
staining my hand
who's
B L O O D
is this?
when i come to
who
C U T
my arms?
this wasn't my doing
was it?
I   H O P E   N O T

for me home has always
been a dream
something i visit when nights are cold
when the throb in my skull
wont leave me be
i visit this home idea
maybe its a cabin
cool with the breeze of a summers night
the crackle of fire
brightening the distance
like a beacon calling me to a place called
home

i was on my own
for so long
and i
was
sad
and when
i fell in love with
you i felt guilty about being
happy because i had become my
saddest best friend and who am i
without my sadness and whos my sadness
without me?

when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you will be 16 the first time
it will fall for no reason
you wont understand why
you will feel the heat of the tears
as they run down your face
and you will see how old you truly are

when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you wont understand why
you knew you would grow
knew you had to get older
but you realize then
that everything you knew
everything you loved
it will hurt you wont know why
but you thought you would never make it this far
and yet you did

so when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
remember that you will get stronger
and when your ready
you can pick it back up again

he always stunk
of whisky
and cigarette smoke
his skin a yellow
showing his jaundice
i sit still
on his *****
and quite stained
couch
there i wait
as he finishes
his cigarette in long drags
and puts it out on my skin
adding yet another to my
cigarette burns

the morning sun
upon my face
the bitter cold
nips my nose
the soft snowflakes
fall across my cheeks
the winter breeze
allows my hair
to freeze
welcome home
winter birds!
as christmas begins

piano tiles
on the floor
broken dreams
thrown across the stars
my heart
inside your hand
your eyes
filled to the brim
my tears
on my cheek
your lies
across your chest
just like a
scarlet letter

When I asked if you loved me
It wasn't because I wanted love
It was because I wanted to feel loved
Which is a different concept entirely
But of course you can't understand
When have you ever

he says
he's not a poet
but i find his poems
to have more meaning
more beauty, more heart
to them than mine
and the way
he uses his words
can change how a person is feeling
from sad to happy
just with a couple of phrases
knitted together

he says
he's not a good writer
but those early morning
last minute essays
of pure adrenaline and
half-awake thoughts
present ideas
in such a way
that it's impossible
to find them anything
but perfect

he says
he's not sure
what his future will bring
but i know him
he's smart
and he's
so wonderfully stubborn
that wherever he may end up
he will go farther
than anyone could have ever imagined
including me
i can't predict exactly where he'll be
in 4 months
or 4 years
but i know his path will go
down the most bountiful roads
and in the end
he'll be happy
and all will be worth it

he says
he's not grateful
but almost everything he does
he does for others
he loves his parents
and hurts when they hurt
he realizes what they do
for him, and wants to make them
the proudest parents on earth
he loves his friends
and tries to make them better

he says
he's a relationship whisperer
and i guess he's right
because with a few choice words
gentle nudges and an onslaught
of appreciated suggestions
he whispered us together

he says
that the dark spots on the sun
can bring shadow
to the most brilliant light
but not even
the dark of endless night
can dim his brightness
or hide him from those
who see him for who he is
who see his potential

he doubts herself
sometimes she thinks
he won't succeed,
always worried
that what he's done
isn't enough
or that there's too little time
to get everything done
but no matter the odds
no matter what he's up against
he pushes through
he persists, he fights
and he gets what he wants
or as close to what he wants
as is actually possible
sometimes he even achieves the impossible
and it's nothing if not admirable
showing me that anything is possible
proving to me that
"You could rattle the stars
You could do anything
If only you dared"
not by anything i've done
but by everything he's accomplished

he says
he's not beautiful
true, she's not a model
but that doesn't mean he's not perfect
but the way those eyes shine
like earth kissed by spring rain
promising life and happiness,
mirrored by his wide smile
though not often seen,
just one smile from him
is like a ray of sunshine
through grimy windows
bringing light into a place
that knew nothing but darkness,
warm enough to melt the walls
surrounding the coldest of hearts
And i would never love anyone else

somewhere in america
there's a girl
being felt up in the subway
shes still in her uniform
that's part of the appeal
its hard to
R U  N
in a skirt and mary janes
and her teachers know it is too
somewhere in america
a girls trying to find
the perfect prom
D R E S S
well im looking in the
lost & found
cause winter's coming
and that's the only coat
i have
cause mommas working
for the government
momma only gets paid once a
M O N T H
somewhere in america

You can not love me
Though you say you can
You say you can pick up the pieces
You say you can fix what's broken
But you don't realize some pieces
Have been broken for years
Some parts are lost
The most irreplaceable parts
Have been missing for so long
I'm not even sure I could be happy
If somebody was able to fill those holes
Because I've learned to live without it
I've learned to smile When I'm sad
And especially when I hurt the most
So no you can't love me
Though you say you can

1 pill
2 pills
3 pills
one more
take them everyday
we cant fix you
so take these
everyday we will
S E D A T E    Y O U

the letters were lies
but your words broke down my
D E F E N S E S
and you built me up with all of these
P A R A G R A P H S
but looking back on them
they seemed more like pages
B U R N I N G
with your lies
with your broken and shattered
P R O M I S E S
and so im erasing myself from your
S T O R Y L IN E
and with the chapters i was included im watching them
B U R N

i wish i hadnt rushed my childhood
i wish i had savoured the minuetes
the hours
even the seconds
just a little more
i wish i had been safe to do so
i wish i had been enough for them
i wish i could have smiled more
because now im here
the chains of adulthood weighing me down
unable to move
unable to play
unable to make simple mistakes
like choking on his words
like letting pain into my life
like allowing it to fester
now that im grown
i wish i could undo it

i wish i could put my emotions in a box
wish I could hide them
from you
from her
from everyone who's seen me break
but instead, i shatter
trying to hold back tears
wiping my eyes
while you rush to hold me
while you rush to hug me
drying my tears from my cheeks
in a way that make me feel i am enough
even without putting my emotions in a box

he will say it for the first time
not to your face
but through a phone screen
through a text message
while hes on vacation
that he of course couldnt take you on

when a boy says he loves you
for the first time
you will smile
because those words have never been said
with more meaning or passion

when a boy says he loves you
though it seems true its not
what those words really mean
is say it back to me
open your heart be raw to me
so i can easily break your fragile heart

when a boy says he loves you
it means to get ready for distance
for being pushed away
while he tries to keep you trapped

when a boy says he loves you
it is just a ploy
fluttering through his lips
like it means nothing to him
like it is but 3 words
meaningless
painfully easy for them

when a boy says he loves you
know he expects it in return
but dont give it to him
because remember
boys will be boys

I find myself pacing
Running through the memories
Racing around my head
Choking on tears
Remembering the warmth of your hand
The way mine fit perfectly
The way you held tighter when i was anxious
The warmth of being in your arms
Every inch of my being
Curled into you
But then the flashes come
The screaming
The pain caused by those calloused hands
The anger
My lip split, bleeding
The soreness of the bruises
The tears rolling down my cheeks
Those flashes bring me back to reality

if you got 20 minutes
if i had 30 minutes
i could change your mind
i could make you understand make you
T H I N K
if you sat down and took the time to listen
if i could get you to hear my reason
because if i told you anything
just a sample of a long story
A B O U T
me, if i let you in
if you let me show you a clip
of what the people around you have gone through
maybe if i could get you to pull
Y O U R
head of the pedestal you put it on
if you could stand in the shoes
of the people you dont even understand you hurt
with the horrible statements that you say are just
W O R D S

im falling
for someone who loved me first
someone who wants me
and that feels amazing

i will never leave you baby
i will never walk out the door
for you i would sacrifice it all
for you i would stop the world from falling apart
and in your arms
the ones that comfort me
even in the darkest nights we will
D A N C E
in the
R A I N