i wish i could give you my pain
not to hurt you
i would never wish that
but so that you could understand
I'm not broken
or shattered
i am beautifully rebuilt

i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
im a tenant paying rent
inside of myself
im a voice thats screaming  on the inside
never seen the light


i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
ive got two windows
but you probably will see them as my eyes
they cant be opened cant be used
cant feel the wind on my face

i dont live in new york
i never have
thats just not where i reside
i might just think to much
im a dreamer
whos just pulling
at the seems trying to learn why

when we write on the walls
in our big crayons
when we where toddlers
it is almost the same
as writing on these poetry walls
they both release our pain

I wonder if he's happy
Now that he's gone on his
A D V E N T U R E
I wonder if he thinks about
Me and him
T H R O U G H
The freezing cold nights
I wonder if he ever looks back
On the beautiful
T I M E
When he called me "mine"

the sky seems grey
almost taunting me
bringing me down in its misty plumes
pushing me down
forcing me back into bed
forcing me to feel worthless
as memories crash against the walls of my mind
dragging me back down into my
seasonal depression

the sun can shine
you can look happy
and the wind can still freeze
and you can still be crying
even when you seem perfectly fine
even when it seems you are as happy as you can be
you can still feel useless
drifting through the wind
just like a piece of garbage
you can still feel like your already six feet under
like no one wants you
like your already dead
even if you hide it perfectly

every time you curse my name
i know you cant let go
every time you call me out
I know you want control
every time you break me down
i now ill get back up
every time you take from me
i know he wont
every time i let him in
i know he loves me true
but every time i think of you
i still cry into a pillow

i saw you just last night
but it feels like i haven't my whole life
but i know its just in my head
i had been trying to hold onto love with people
who never thought of me as enough
but then i see the way you look at me
and you set the bar above the moon
so i don't want to be any older
and still in my bed thinking about those Sunday mornings
the way you listened to me
the church that felt like home for me
wondering what we could have been
i don't want these memories to be past tense
because your everything I've ever wanted

today i turn
S W E E T   1 6
a special day for most
but never for
M E

Shallow waters are loud
Whipping flowing
Screaming begging to be heard
Begging to be the center of attention
Like how you
Whip me with your words
Flowing from your mouth
Screaming at me begging to be heard
Begging to center of attention

While deep waters are quiet
Screaming in there silence
Begging to stay hidden
Like how I
Was always quiet
Screaming in silence to be loved
But knowing my need to be hidden
In a lot of ways we are like water

my skin soft and rosie
like the petals of roses
my lips as red and plump
like the petals of tulips
my fingernails yellow and and chipped
like the petals of daisies
and i realize what you mean
when you tell me i look as beautiful as a flower

how does one ever recover from this?
i don't think i ever can
perhaps i don't want to
perhaps its easier not to
don't judge me though
we all carry our own baggage
some just carry it more inwardly

you light up my
world like a lamp in a
dark room, bringing me
happiness with just a small
smile a small touch of your hand
lighting my nerves like some be
autiful brite light bulb grows from
my stomach and growing th
rough my entire bo
dy making me
smile holding
me in the
brightne
ss

He is an ocean
Even though some people see him
as a puddle
But they don't pay attention
Because underneath the top layer
That he's built for protection
He is deep
He is vast
With many undiscovered cracks
Unnoticed cracks
That lead in deeper
But it is only through love
Only through kindness
That he even opens up
And little by little
he will show you all his beauty

Grey skies turn to blue now
My eyes turn to stars now
And I'm in love
We are nine clouds high
And I know we won't fall down
We don't need to hide
We let our feelings show now
I don't mind telling you the truth
Because the truth is
I love you

brown hair
brown eyes
feels like ive known you
my entire life
you make me feel alright

brown hair
brown eyes
fell in love over time
shared interests
like the love for music

brown hair
brown eyes
you keep perfect time
whether it be with me
or  with the music we play
making him so proud

I think the lesson I learned
while trying to avoid you
and your words
the pain you cause everyone around you
that its easier sometimes to just lay in bed
and hope you fall asleep
before you fall completely apart

I wasn't born
To be
Soft and quite
I was born
to make the world
Shatter and shake
At my fingertips

I wasn't born
To watch
From the sidelines
I was born
To see dreams
Become as vivid and real
As my poems

all my friends and family
they soar in the sky
open in the blue open free sky
calling to me
begging me to join them
but I cant
the  waves lap against my wings
where I'm barely floating
saturating my feathers
keeping me from going to join them

i wish you where closer
especially when the nights are dark
when i cant drown out my own screams
when the smell of cigarette smoke choking me
i want to hold you
until i finally feel grounded
until i can smile once again faking happiness
till i can replace my mask
one everyone cant see-through except you
i want you to comfort me with your words
like i love you

I will fight for you
I will always
Even if my heart turns black and blue
And i will stay with you
Through the dark
Through the light
Through the times it hurts to decide
When you cant see the clear path
I will fight
And i will stay
For you

its raining
its pouring
its four in the morning
and you just crossed my mind
and i really need you here
its raining
its pouring
my head is imploding
and i dont want to leave this house
but i really miss you right now
its raining
its pouring
my eyes are over flowing
and im overthinking again
i hope you think of me now
its raining
its pouring
my world keeps on spinning
and im stuck in place
i hope you dont mind helping me escape
because im a mess

I felt so important
felt so necessary
but then I stopped running
then I stopped dreaming
and you told me I was worthless
because I was too gone to try

you always hold my hand
even if im low
always wipe the tears away before it snows
i think your my lover
i cant let you go
and you always bring your light
when mines blown away
always help me talk
when i dont have a voice of my own
i think your my lover
i cant let you go

My heart beats for you
It longs to be closer
It longs to be in your arms
I love you
And miss you most
On days like these
Were my heart longs
For you the most
But this is what happens
When a heart beats for another

when you feel it the first time
you wont have a clue
what your even feeling
is it love is it lust
you will ask yourself if you are okay
and of course you arent
why would you be
your shattered your broken
your body seems lifeless
and yet you will want it again
because its the only way he shows love

its lovely to think
of you sleeping next to me
of me curled in your arms
i would like nothing more
then to fall into the safety
of your arms
of your love

you're my bad habit
when im sad
when im tired
when i cant stop my mind from wondering
it goes back to you
our smiles
our hugs
your misty blue eyes
the way you held me
I wish I could stop
going back to my bad habits

There is a house fire
But it’s dying down now
I escaped your grasp
Forgot the pain you put me through
Forgot the way he flames felt
Licking my cheeks
The third degree burn are finally healing
You don’t get to write my death time
Because my hearts still beating
These flames didn’t flat line me
Even though they should have
Even though you wanted them to
Except now I control the flames
Putting them out around me
So I guess it’s my turn to ask
What do you control?

im still flawed
im always here
behind the fear
that locks me up
ive been broken
ive been hurt
and on days like this
everything just makes it worse
and im sorry
im dont mean to be hard
im so sorry im the bother
you dont want around

I wasn't born to
let you take control
wasn't born
to watch from the side
I was born to make the world shake
to watch everything around me crumble at my fingertips
and stay as strong as I was born
perhaps even stronger

I never ment to find you
Infact it scares me that I have
Your kindness
Your pure heart
The way you look at me
Like I'm all you will ever need
The way you smile like
I'm the only girl in your world
You are safety
Something I struggled to find
And in your arms I've found
A home

I wasnt kidding when I said I love you
I meant it with all my heart
All my soul
With all of me
you are my world
don't pretend not to see
how happy I am
how in love I am
how much I want to be with you
because I love you is hard
but with you it comes easy

all i do is think about you
and every little thing i love
like the way your eyes crinkle when you smile
like the way you look at me when I'm being annoying
like the way u can play any instrument you pick up
like how you brighten every room you walk in
just to list a few
i don't know how I'm the only girl inside your head
but I'm never going to let you get me out of it

all the kids are depressed
nothing's ever ok
staying up till daylight
hoping **** is ok
but nothing ever is
when your life's a mess
and your head a curse
with nowhere to run
from the things
that are to come
and nothing ever makes sense
and i cant ever escape this
every story leaves you broken
picking up the pieces
from the cold floor
so all the kids are depressed

i know he doesnt love me
he never did
but when he held me
and spoke softly
like we were the only ones in the room
i felt special i felt included
like nothing would tare us apart
but you couldnt love me
i will never be enough
because what you want isnt love
its control