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Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
he will say it for the first time
not to your face
but through a phone screen
through a text message
while hes on vacation
that he of course couldnt take you on

when a boy says he loves you
for the first time
you will smile
because those words have never been said
with more meaning or passion

when a boy says he loves you
though it seems true its not
what those words really mean
is say it back to me
open your heart be raw to me
so i can easily break your fragile heart

when a boy says he loves you
it means to get ready for distance
for being pushed away
while he tries to keep you trapped

when a boy says he loves you
it is just a ploy
fluttering through his lips
like it means nothing to him
like it is but 3 words
meaningless
painfully easy for them

when a boy says he loves you
know he expects it in return
but dont give it to him
because remember
boys will be boys
Sep 2021 · 132
burning heat
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
the summer sun
beating down on September
running out the cold
making the heat
thats burning down on the turf field
radiate burning holes
in the soles of my feet
Sep 2021 · 52
home
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
for me home has always
been a dream
something i visit when nights are cold
when the throb in my skull
wont leave me be
i visit this home idea
maybe its a cabin
cool with the breeze of a summers night
the crackle of fire
brightening the distance
like a beacon calling me to a place called
home
Sep 2021 · 88
seasonal depression
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
the sky seems grey
almost taunting me
bringing me down in its misty plumes
pushing me down
forcing me back into bed
forcing me to feel worthless
as memories crash against the walls of my mind
dragging me back down into my
seasonal depression
Sep 2021 · 63
binge and purge
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
i want to wake up early
i want to run
i want to lose the  weight
that ive always wanted to
but then i lose the inspiration
so instead i starve
crying into binges
choking on purges
crashing between pain
and smiles
behind someone who cant stop eating
but wont let it stay there
Sep 2021 · 38
my flaws
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
secrets are meant to be kept
yet when i told you i was hurt
when i told you i was broken
you told the whole world
that my flaws
where slowly dragging me down
that i
was slowly deteriorating
that there
was no hope for my mind
that i would always
spiral into the fear into my broken head
and when i rose above it wall
you told the world
my flaws where faked
Sep 2021 · 1.1k
oceans
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
tears ridden with salt
fill our seas
tears fallen from ***** chreaks
filling our oceans
my dad used to say
as we sailed on the waves
water water everywhere but not a drop to drink
i finally see why i think
Sep 2021 · 69
if you where to read me
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
if you were to read me
like i was some book
i wonder what it would say
would i be a tragedy
or maybe an inspirational story
what would you write in the margins
which quotes would u highlight
is it even worth reading
i wonder what pages would make you cry
i wonder what would happen
if you where to read me
Sep 2021 · 49
his skin
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
I find myself pacing
Running through the memories
Racing around my head
Choking on tears
Remembering the warmth of your hand
The way mine fit perfectly
The way you held tighter when i was anxious
The warmth of being in your arms
Every inch of my being
Curled into you
But then the flashes come
The screaming
The pain caused by those calloused hands
The anger
My lip split, bleeding
The soreness of the bruises
The tears rolling down my cheeks
Those flashes bring me back to reality
Sep 2021 · 68
Coffee Bean Memories
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
It brings me back
To the wooden cabin
To our warm smiles
And our fuzzy pajamas
To the warmth in of the crackling fire
To the way you hugged us
To the way you were before
Warm water stained ***** brown
Filled with bitter beans
Sweetened by glistening white powder
Lightened by white cream
It takes me back
To lightly wrapped presents
And the excitement of christmas
A half eaten plate of cookies
That was when your breath smelt of coffee
The one thing we had in common
But now it reeks of whisky
Now are smiles are faked
And the presents aren’t wrapped
When its just us you don't bother hiding it
And i'm the only one who still drinks coffee
Sep 2021 · 124
breath
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
breath
a simple task
but something that broke me
when you told me he was dead
and instead of comforting me
you decided to say
breath
Sep 2021 · 50
i wish
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
i wish i hadnt rushed my childhood
i wish i had savoured the minuetes
the hours
even the seconds
just a little more
i wish i had been safe to do so
i wish i had been enough for them
i wish i could have smiled more
because now im here
the chains of adulthood weighing me down
unable to move
unable to play
unable to make simple mistakes
like choking on his words
like letting pain into my life
like allowing it to fester
now that im grown
i wish i could undo it
Sep 2021 · 558
I love you
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
It was supposed to be a promise
just like every other one of your words
all the lies you spewed at me
every song you whispered into my ear
every dream I let you control
now lost in shatters
like ice breaking into a flowing river
like the tears that won't stop
constantly blurring my vision
like I've even let u steal that
and maybe I have
because I let you steal everything
with words like
i love you
Sep 2021 · 114
drowning in my lungs
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
Water rushing above me
The surface breaking and folding
Bubbles floating escaping my lips
Vibrating out of my nose
Floating above my hair
Burning in my chest that seems to keep growing
Reaching toward the light
Just out of reach
As hundreds of hands rush down
Pushing me further
Taking me deeper
Until my lungs stop
Until i feel the buzz of oxygen
Until i remember how to fill my balloons
Until i remember how to float
Until these fake bladders
fill with amber liquid
Until my breath comes back stronger
And the images of me drowning fade
into the back of my skull
Like distant memories
And i realize that i'm not in water
But a hospital bed
Drowning in fluids i produced
Realizing that my body’s slowly killing me
Sep 2021 · 241
will i ever
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
will i ever
i find myself asking wondering if i can
if i deserve
if ive done enough
and maybe i havent
theses thoughts weaving there way in
taking over my mind
until im brought back
to a place of mistakes
and incompleations and lost causes
and i wait until i forget my
will i evers
Sep 2021 · 58
enough
Melanie Jackson Sep 2021
i admit im broken
i can point out all my flaws
but i know what i deserve
because im not just another lost cause
and i make mistakes
because im human
im not something else
and i refuse to be scared to mess up
and i dont need anyone there
to hold me up because
ive finally realized im
enough
Aug 2021 · 55
if im gone
Melanie Jackson Aug 2021
Broken.
Shattered, like glass
Shards spreading to far
Out of my reach
Out of his
Lost.
Missing, but no amber alert
Cant call on someone
Who's standing in front of you
But still i'm gone
Without cause
Hurt.
Pain, coursing through like a bullet wound
I don't mean to be cruel
Or cold
But my pieces are gone
Found.
Sitting on the edge
Ready for the fall
Memorizing the rocks at the bottom
Watching the waves crash wondering
If its deep enough to drown
Wondering what they would say
Attention.
Thats what they will say i want
Except i don't
They will say i'm crying for help
Except i'm hopeless
They will say i'm faking
Except i want out
They will say i'm a coward
Because they don't see all the missing pieces
Aug 2021 · 149
god save
Melanie Jackson Aug 2021
God save the prom queen
She might be 18
But shes more broken
Then the window pane
That she stares out
When she cant escape
On the days when the bruises are to dark
When the rain is too strong
When the scent of liquor
Spilled on her in a fit of rage
When the broken bottles cover the ground
with to many shards to step around
When daddy finally comes home
Save her from herself
Aug 2021 · 59
well
Melanie Jackson Aug 2021
well maybe i i smiled more
i would be pretty
well maybe if i cared less
i wouldnt get so hurt
well maybe if i did more
i could one day be enough
well maybe if i was louder
i could drown out these thoughts
well maybe if i screamed
i wouldnt have been hurt
well maybe if i was better
he would love me
well
well
well ......
but when do they stop
when do my hundreds of wells turn into
A C C E P T A N C E
Aug 2021 · 37
Dear someone
Melanie Jackson Aug 2021
Dear dad,
I hate you
I hate that you lie
I hate that u break things
Like this relationship
That's shattering infront of your feet
Dear mom,
How could you
Let your daughter be so bruised
So battered and broken
To then leave the pieces
like she was never yours
Dear woman,
Thank you
For coming into my life
Showing me what real love
How a real mother treats there daughter
Dear sister,
I wish I didn't know
You change your name
And spit on our legacies
Molesting not only me but our past
Dear love,
Why won't you come
When I lie on the on the ground
Tears streaming down my face
Asking myself where you are
when I need you the most
Dear tears,
You always betray me
When I want to stay strong
When I need to be okay
When I want you gone the most
Dear someone,
Somewhere reading this
I hope you glimps at my life
Not with pity
Not with sadness
But with understanding
that we are alike
Weather you can admit it or not
Jul 2021 · 50
Rules
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
Do not get overwhelmed
If you get overwhelmed you cry
2.dont cry infront of them
They will think your weak
3. Learn to fake smile
They don't care about your real emotions
4. Don't vent to anyone
Our family is perfect
5. Never allow someone to think less
Defend us at all costs except our name
6. If u lie don't get caught
We all have to at some point be smart
7. Never answer questions straight forward
We aren't to be open books
8. Children are seen
But never heard
9. If you brake any rules
You are no longer family we are exclusive
Jul 2021 · 93
Out of control
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
sometimes it feels like im stuck in a
S T O R Y
like someone is narrerating just above
M E
Like I'm not even in control of my
L I F E
And maybe I'm not maybe I've never
B E E N
But maybe I never will be because of my
M E N T A L    H E A L T H
Jul 2021 · 727
written
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
written in these walls
are the stories that i cant replace
hidden i these walls
that i wish in could remake
I promise every morning
I will smile like this again
But I've been so broken
I don't even know where to begin
Cause the pain they've caused
Is sewn into my heart
Jul 2021 · 68
My brain
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
welcome to my brain
i was broke long ago
You can't fix md
Cant help me grow
I was lost long ago
And u won't save me
Because to many have tried
And just like you
They left when things got hard
Jul 2021 · 84
Now your gone
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
i cant trust him
now ive got someone
But its cold in my heart
so cover me
Because home was a dream
till you came along
But you gave me false hopes
And now your gone
Jul 2021 · 72
Love i needed
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
love isn't supposed to
come with strings
its not supposed to
be begged for
but i always end up
Wishing you could give me
The love I needed
Jul 2021 · 58
My mistake
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
I was never enough
And I never will be
You just wanted to use me
And I let you
that was my mistake
Jul 2021 · 50
You cant love me
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
You can not love me
Though you say you can
You say you can pick up the pieces
You say you can fix what's broken
But you don't realize some pieces
Have been broken for years
Some parts are lost
The most irreplaceable parts
Have been missing for so long
I'm not even sure I could be happy
If somebody was able to fill those holes
Because I've learned to live without it
I've learned to smile When I'm sad
And especially when I hurt the most
So no you can't love me
Though you say you can
Jul 2021 · 979
Write
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
You love to write
He says in frustration
You do it so much
Just do it now
Like I want to spill my feelings
Like I want to let him in
Like you deserve to see
The words painted on my heart
But you don't
That's something you have to earn
And you truly haven't tried
Jul 2021 · 1.0k
If only
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
I wish I could
I wish it was easier
But letting go
Of all the pieces you broke
All the pieces I loved so much
All the dreams I wanted
If only I could
Forget you
And take back my light
Jul 2021 · 69
Dear tomorrow
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
I hate you
You fill me with false hope
You make me drag on
Day after day
Month after month
You keep me going
With maybe tomorrow
And tomorrow's a new day
And it gets better wait for tomorrow
But you never come
You leave me crying waiting
Because supposedly it gets better
By tomorrow but mine never comes
So I just sit wait
And hating
Tomorrow
Jul 2021 · 76
The words i wanted to say
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
Looking back
I wish I could've seen the end
Wish I was sure I made the right decisions
Because leaving you
Was the worst decision of my life
But maybe I'm right
Maybe we weren't ment for eachother
Infact I know we weren't
I knew we wouldn't work
But there where so many words
I had wished I said
Jul 2021 · 53
Untitled
Melanie Jackson Jul 2021
Your not who I wanted
Your not who I needed
But Your who came
When I was crying in the night
So I guess I will stay
But only for the next few days
Melanie Jackson Jun 2021
I hate the word victim
It's like you are ignoring
All of the surviving a person has done
Like you are looking at the trauma
And saying you are a product of this
But I'm not
It's like you don't want to acknowledge
The fact that we did survive
And don't think your helping
When you say it's not my fault
And in the same breath ask me
why I didn't scream loud enough
Or ask for help
But you will never understand
What it's like to be so manipulated
That your scared to lose your abuser
Jun 2021 · 75
control
Melanie Jackson Jun 2021
i know he doesnt love me
he never did
but when he held me
and spoke softly
like we were the only ones in the room
i felt special i felt included
like nothing would tare us apart
but you couldnt love me
i will never be enough
because what you want isnt love
its control
Jun 2021 · 45
Comfort of sadness
Melanie Jackson Jun 2021
It's that I miss the abuse
Because I don't
But it's days like these
Dark and stormy
When the thunder rolls
And lightning flashes on the sky
Just like the day it all began
Like the small details I will always remember
That I miss the comfort
Of knowing what to expect
Because now that I'm out of it
I can't find order
Or stick to a schedule
It's like my body longs For the abuse
Because at least I knew what came next
May 2021 · 103
love on terms
Melanie Jackson May 2021
you only need my light
when im running low
only say to smile
when my tears flow
only want my love
when it fit your schedule
only miss my dress
when you pull it off
you love me on your terms
not on what i need
May 2021 · 66
i can
Melanie Jackson May 2021
i am strong
i can not be broken
i can be hit
by your cruel words
and i can stand
i can take anything
i can fight through anything
May 2021 · 56
dont dive in
Melanie Jackson May 2021
don't dive in
the waters are to deep
and you might drown
for i look like a puddle
but when you jump in
you realize that you are being
****** to the depths
of the darkest ocean
in our universe
May 2021 · 46
everything
Melanie Jackson May 2021
her eyes held stars
her heart held so much love
she was young in sul
old in age
but you broke her
shattering her little heart
like she never meant anything
she probably didn't
but to me
she meant everything
May 2021 · 408
Comfort of sadness
Melanie Jackson May 2021
It's days like this
When the sky is Grey
And the droplets never cease
Falling from the darkest clouds
That I get caught in my head
Realizing what I'm really missing
I miss the comfort of being sad
Because at least then
I knew what to expect
Even if it hurt
At least I could control the outcome
But I keep reminding  myself
Not to slip down that *****
Because then I would be gone entirely
Apr 2021 · 79
ive been broken
Melanie Jackson Apr 2021
im still flawed
im always here
behind the fear
that locks me up
ive been broken
ive been hurt
and on days like this
everything just makes it worse
and im sorry
im dont mean to be hard
im so sorry im the bother
you dont want around
Apr 2021 · 62
my body
Melanie Jackson Apr 2021
my body is a temple
not for you
or any of your friends
not to be objectified
or stared at
not to be passed around
or seen by anyone
that i don't chose
i am strong
and my body will always be mine
Apr 2021 · 62
I love you
Melanie Jackson Apr 2021
I know
I can be hard to love
And I see
How much you love me
And sometimes
I wish I understood why
And I get
You say I'm all you need
And I think
I should just believe in you
But my heart
Always fears the worst
So please don't think I'm cold
Please don't think
I mean to be distant
Because inside
I love you
Apr 2021 · 283
I see you
Melanie Jackson Apr 2021
I see you,
When you cry
Or when you feel lost
Each time you get turned around
Each time you can't see
The light at the end
Of this dark tunnel

I see you,
When your smiling
When I remind you
your not gonna lose me
When you finally listen
And find your light

Just know I'm here
I always will be
And I see you
Mar 2021 · 106
Im proud
Melanie Jackson Mar 2021
I'm proud to call you mine
Infact I do
Every chance I get
I'm proud to say I have learned your mind
I have begun to understand you
like no one else can
I'm proud to show you off
And I d o to each of my friends
I'm proud to say I'm inlove with you
Because I know I can rely on you
When my emotions get the best of me
And so I will always be
Proud to call you mine
Mar 2021 · 80
My heart
Melanie Jackson Mar 2021
My heart beats for you
It longs to be closer
It longs to be in your arms
I love you
And miss you most
On days like these
Were my heart longs
For you the most
But this is what happens
When a heart beats for another
Mar 2021 · 59
I love you
Melanie Jackson Mar 2021
I love you
In every way I can
Every piece of your personality
Makes me smile
Even if I don't yet understand it
I smile even more when you teach me
Like how to fix lights
Or what a part of a car is
I love how smart you are
But nothing could match your kindness
And so I just need you to remember
I love you
Mar 2021 · 83
The truth
Melanie Jackson Mar 2021
Grey skies turn to blue now
My eyes turn to stars now
And I'm in love
We are nine clouds high
And I know we won't fall down
We don't need to hide
We let our feelings show now
I don't mind telling you the truth
Because the truth is
I love you
Mar 2021 · 78
A home
Melanie Jackson Mar 2021
I never ment to find you
Infact it scares me that I have
Your kindness
Your pure heart
The way you look at me
Like I'm all you will ever need
The way you smile like
I'm the only girl in your world
You are safety
Something I struggled to find
And in your arms I've found
A home
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