when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you will be 16 the first time
it will fall for no reason
you wont understand why
you will feel the heat of the tears
as they run down your face
and you will see how old you truly are

when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
you wont understand why
you knew you would grow
knew you had to get older
but you realize then
that everything you knew
everything you loved
it will hurt you wont know why
but you thought you would never make it this far
and yet you did

so when the smile you hide behind
becomes to much a weight to carry
remember that you will get stronger
and when your ready
you can pick it back up again

hey,
i know i shouldnt do this
but im not over you
i cant get over you
i get how stupid i sound
but i was in love with you *******
i shouldn't have fallen that hard
i if anyone should have known
you never fall deep in highschool
never hurt yourself
as much as i did with you
i dont regret you
dont regret what we did
i wont tell lies about you
i pray you wont tell them of me
though im sure you already have
i don't care
that dismissiveness i hated in you
but now i'm using it
i tried being cold
but i cant because when i see you
my heart speeds up
and i still cant look you in the eyes

its not that i didn't want you happier
its not that i didn't know you'd move on
its seeing those smiles
watching those hands
reach for another girl
i thought you would be my forever
and i know that we just weren't right
i shouldn't be crying since i moved on to
but for some reason
when i hear an old slow song
i miss they way i felt in your arms
the arms i was ready to be in forever

sometimes i have all the inspiration in the world
i write poem
i write stories
i write the inner folds of myself
and sometimes i have absolutely none
i cant walk
i cant talk
i cant even get out of my bed
and thats just my depression i guess

I'm not haunted by death
But rather this graveyard of memories
You left behind
When you left me on the corner
Of broken dreams
And smiling with glee

When I asked if you loved me
It wasn't because I wanted love
It was because I wanted to feel loved
Which is a different concept entirely
But of course you can't understand
When have you ever

A storm in my heart
That has caused my emotions
To come in waves
Crashing to shore with choppy waves
From hundreds of stormy nights
And only the lucky ones
Make it to the shores
Because only a few
Find the lighthouse I'm hiding
With dark foggy clouds

once upon a time
i smiled for hours
i danced for days
i waited for weeks
and laughed for months
but most importantly
i loved you for years
even after you betrayed my heart

i have been through
6 high schools
they start to get blurry
no time to plant roots
cause im gone in a week
don't have time to unpack
because like that were gone
don't remember faces
cant remember names
and i will never forget that day
but i can remember
how you made me feel

im all alone
with my thoughts
my broken dreams
my tears
except for when im
with the people who barely know me
who cant even tell my story

When I asked her
Why she loved thunderstorms
I was genuinely surprised
By her saying
"Because,
It shows that even the world
Has to scream sometimes
And so when the lightning strikes
I too scream
With the world"

No one expects
An angel to set the world
On fire
But just you wait
Cause one day these flames
That I hide under my skin
Will burn you

I wasn't born
To be
Soft and quite
I was born
to make the world
Shatter and shake
At my fingertips

I wasn't born
To watch
From the sidelines
I was born
To see dreams
Become as vivid and real
As my poems

the lights flicker on
the lights flicker out
i can still hear her voice bouncing off these empty walls
can still see her shadows on the walls
can still smell her

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
im almost forgetting the doctors words
she cant be dead that cant be true
He lied the doctor had to
Shes going to see me soon walk through that door laughing

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
But she is dead i know she is
Why would she do that
Why would she drink
Why would she drive
Didn't she know how much that would hurt me
She had to why couldn't she just called someone
Why did she have to die
I hate her for that

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
I don't even care honestly
I have not showered for five days
have not been able to leave my bed for 10
But i don't care abut her
I don't need her
And i'm fine
I don't need anyone not even myself

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
Why couldnt have been me
I would have rathered it be me
Why couldn't i have ran in the car
I would trade my life to go back
To tell her not to go
Its all my fault why didn't i warn her
I could've please trade my life

The lights flicker on
The lights flicker out
Its been two months now
I'm okay
Shes gone i cant change that
No one can change that
Its not my fault
I'm not mad
I will find love again
It still hurts when i think of her
Still breaks me down
But i'm okay
But i'm moving forward
because i have too

you play games
on innocent girls hearts
you watch as the damage you make pans out
and then you go on the run
searching for another innocent life to lodge yourself into
making them feel worthless
making them feel broken
making them hate themselves
thinking they owe you there bodys
there lives
there souls
because they arent living it the way you say they should
that they need to obey you
no matter the circumstance
they must obsess over you
and when there broken enough not to anymore
you do it all again

its funny you ask me to thaw my heart
but your the one who makes every argument physical
its not my fault we have no connection
not my fault the only place we get along is in public
when we are draped in elegant clothes
and broken memories
that keep us smiling in the crowds

i wait on the bay
watching as he makes introductions
but hes forever skipping me
forever walking by
i have to fight my urge to meet you
walk up and shake hands with the deputy
but my hands are far to ******
from crimes against myself
knowing i shouldnt each time i commit another
but still my hands are covered
in a color so crimson
that it almost hurts but i still keep committing
and im sorry that i keep disappearing mr deputy

i dont give you power
in fact i am stealing it from you in this moment
taking back what is rightfully mine
taking back my body
my tears
taking myself out of the slaughter house
because you dont deserve that satisfaction
i wont give you those pieces of me
because ive learned
how to stand on my own
and i will never let your hand push me back down

the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower
its easy to let them **** me
its easy to fade
its easy to slide into the back of my mind
like i was never there
like that wasnt me
but it was me
and i know its not my fault
but how can i not blame myself
when i was three years old
my mother said she needed me to do it
that i was the only money she had
and when i was six i watched her do so many drugs
that it stole her from me
and i wasnt sure how to live
because what do you do
after youve been ***** ten times a day
for three years straight
when thats all youve ever been good for
when your convinced thats all you will ever be good for
it took my father ten years
to finally learn the truth
learn why i was so scared to open up
why i locked the door when i showered
why i checked the lock four times
why i constantly peered out of the shower
and washed myself as quickly as possible
often not bothering to rinse the soap from my hair
because if you took to long
you where joined
or worse she would yell
tell me how much of a waste i am
my dad always wondered why i hated showering
and it was always because
the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower

i walk into the morgue
to identify my best friends body
i reach to hold her hand
but they push me away from you
away from your memory
as tears threaten to make a flood
as a flash flood warning comes across my face

i walk out of the morgue
almost in a daze broken
feeling more hopeless as ever
reaching for my door handle

i walk into my house
but it doesnt feel right
its to empty
to quite
so i stop trying to hold back my sobs

i walk into my bathroom
i find a razor
digging it into my skin
pulling it across my arm
trying to copy your scars

i walk to the hospital
i dont want to die
but i cant bare to lose you
im trying to breath
trying to keep my head up
but it feels like im drowning
like waves of sorrow keep crashing
pushing back under

i walk to the emergency room
and the smell reminds me of the morgue

i walk out leaving you behind me
but i will always see you there
every single time that

i walk

i wish someone had thought
to tell me how easy it is to fall in love
how easy it is to kiss your lips
to ignore every other sound
and focus on you
i also wish someone had told me
how hard it can be
to get away from the in the brokeness
the pain or insults or even the lies
because it is so easy
to just take it
knowing that leaving
would give me a broken heart

hi
to everyone
who's ever suffered
at he hands of
a person they thought loved
them but in turn they were
only looking for another soul to
burn and hurt
im here with you
some day i promise you
we will
rise

would you have apologized
would you have cared
i guess not
but i know there was a time
when i had your heart
when i felt you
when you where safety
but then you broke me
and i crashed through the seems
while you crushed me down
until i fell so far
that i became trapped

he will say it for the first time
not to your face
but through a phone screen
through a text message
while hes on vacation
that he of course couldnt take you on

when a boy says he loves you
for the first time
you will smile
because those words have never been said
with more meaning or passion

when a boy says he loves you
though it seems true its not
what those words really mean
is say it back to me
open your heart be raw to me
so i can easily break your fragile heart

when a boy says he loves you
it means to get ready for distance
for being pushed away
while he tries to keep you trapped

when a boy says he loves you
it is just a ploy
fluttering through his lips
like it means nothing to him
like it is but 3 words
meaningless
painfully easy for them

when a boy says he loves you
know he expects it in return
but dont give it to him
because remember
boys will be boys

the summer sun
beating down on September
running out the cold
making the heat
thats burning down on the turf field
radiate burning holes
in the soles of my feet

for me home has always
been a dream
something i visit when nights are cold
when the throb in my skull
wont leave me be
i visit this home idea
maybe its a cabin
cool with the breeze of a summers night
the crackle of fire
brightening the distance
like a beacon calling me to a place called
home

the sky seems grey
almost taunting me
bringing me down in its misty plumes
pushing me down
forcing me back into bed
forcing me to feel worthless
as memories crash against the walls of my mind
dragging me back down into my
seasonal depression

i want to wake up early
i want to run
i want to lose the  weight
that ive always wanted to
but then i lose the inspiration
so instead i starve
crying into binges
choking on purges
crashing between pain
and smiles
behind someone who cant stop eating
but wont let it stay there

secrets are meant to be kept
yet when i told you i was hurt
when i told you i was broken
you told the whole world
that my flaws
where slowly dragging me down
that i
was slowly deteriorating
that there
was no hope for my mind
that i would always
spiral into the fear into my broken head
and when i rose above it wall
you told the world
my flaws where faked

tears ridden with salt
fill our seas
tears fallen from ***** chreaks
filling our oceans
my dad used to say
as we sailed on the waves
water water everywhere but not a drop to drink
i finally see why i think

if you were to read me
like i was some book
i wonder what it would say
would i be a tragedy
or maybe an inspirational story
what would you write in the margins
which quotes would u highlight
is it even worth reading
i wonder what pages would make you cry
i wonder what would happen
if you where to read me

I find myself pacing
Running through the memories
Racing around my head
Choking on tears
Remembering the warmth of your hand
The way mine fit perfectly
The way you held tighter when i was anxious
The warmth of being in your arms
Every inch of my being
Curled into you
But then the flashes come
The screaming
The pain caused by those calloused hands
The anger
My lip split, bleeding
The soreness of the bruises
The tears rolling down my cheeks
Those flashes bring me back to reality

It brings me back
To the wooden cabin
To our warm smiles
And our fuzzy pajamas
To the warmth in of the crackling fire
To the way you hugged us
To the way you were before
Warm water stained ***** brown
Filled with bitter beans
Sweetened by glistening white powder
Lightened by white cream
It takes me back
To lightly wrapped presents
And the excitement of christmas
A half eaten plate of cookies
That was when your breath smelt of coffee
The one thing we had in common
But now it reeks of whisky
Now are smiles are faked
And the presents aren’t wrapped
When its just us you don't bother hiding it
And i'm the only one who still drinks coffee

breath
a simple task
but something that broke me
when you told me he was dead
and instead of comforting me
you decided to say
breath

i wish i hadnt rushed my childhood
i wish i had savoured the minuetes
the hours
even the seconds
just a little more
i wish i had been safe to do so
i wish i had been enough for them
i wish i could have smiled more
because now im here
the chains of adulthood weighing me down
unable to move
unable to play
unable to make simple mistakes
like choking on his words
like letting pain into my life
like allowing it to fester
now that im grown
i wish i could undo it

It was supposed to be a promise
just like every other one of your words
all the lies you spewed at me
every song you whispered into my ear
every dream I let you control
now lost in shatters
like ice breaking into a flowing river
like the tears that won't stop
constantly blurring my vision
like I've even let u steal that
and maybe I have
because I let you steal everything
with words like
i love you

Water rushing above me
The surface breaking and folding
Bubbles floating escaping my lips
Vibrating out of my nose
Floating above my hair
Burning in my chest that seems to keep growing
Reaching toward the light
Just out of reach
As hundreds of hands rush down
Pushing me further
Taking me deeper
Until my lungs stop
Until i feel the buzz of oxygen
Until i remember how to fill my balloons
Until i remember how to float
Until these fake bladders
fill with amber liquid
Until my breath comes back stronger
And the images of me drowning fade
into the back of my skull
Like distant memories
And i realize that i'm not in water
But a hospital bed
Drowning in fluids i produced
Realizing that my body’s slowly killing me

will i ever
i find myself asking wondering if i can
if i deserve
if ive done enough
and maybe i havent
theses thoughts weaving there way in
taking over my mind
until im brought back
to a place of mistakes
and incompleations and lost causes
and i wait until i forget my
will i evers

i admit im broken
i can point out all my flaws
but i know what i deserve
because im not just another lost cause
and i make mistakes
because im human
im not something else
and i refuse to be scared to mess up
and i dont need anyone there
to hold me up because
ive finally realized im
enough

Broken.
Shattered, like glass
Shards spreading to far
Out of my reach
Out of his
Lost.
Missing, but no amber alert
Cant call on someone
Who's standing in front of you
But still i'm gone
Without cause
Hurt.
Pain, coursing through like a bullet wound
I don't mean to be cruel
Or cold
But my pieces are gone
Found.
Sitting on the edge
Ready for the fall
Memorizing the rocks at the bottom
Watching the waves crash wondering
If its deep enough to drown
Wondering what they would say
Attention.
Thats what they will say i want
Except i don't
They will say i'm crying for help
Except i'm hopeless
They will say i'm faking
Except i want out
They will say i'm a coward
Because they don't see all the missing pieces

God save the prom queen
She might be 18
But shes more broken
Then the window pane
That she stares out
When she cant escape
On the days when the bruises are to dark
When the rain is too strong
When the scent of liquor
Spilled on her in a fit of rage
When the broken bottles cover the ground
with to many shards to step around
When daddy finally comes home
Save her from herself

well maybe i i smiled more
i would be pretty
well maybe if i cared less
i wouldnt get so hurt
well maybe if i did more
i could one day be enough
well maybe if i was louder
i could drown out these thoughts
well maybe if i screamed
i wouldnt have been hurt
well maybe if i was better
he would love me
well
well
well ......
but when do they stop
when do my hundreds of wells turn into
A C C E P T A N C E

sometimes it feels like im stuck in a
S T O R Y
like someone is narrerating just above
M E
Like I'm not even in control of my
L I F E
And maybe I'm not maybe I've never
B E E N
But maybe I never will be because of my
M E N T A L    H E A L T H

written in these walls
are the stories that i cant replace
hidden i these walls
that i wish in could remake
I promise every morning
I will smile like this again
But I've been so broken
I don't even know where to begin
Cause the pain they've caused
Is sewn into my heart

welcome to my brain
i was broke long ago
You can't fix md
Cant help me grow
I was lost long ago
And u won't save me
Because to many have tried
And just like you
They left when things got hard

love isn't supposed to
come with strings
its not supposed to
be begged for
but i always end up
Wishing you could give me
The love I needed

I was never enough
And I never will be
You just wanted to use me
And I let you
that was my mistake