I wish this time
Didn't feel like a memory
Like your hours of lectures
Because I'd never be good enough
Never be thankful enough
But what could I tell you
How could I thank you
When you provided the bare minimum
And used gifts as manipulation
Just to take them away before they derived any joy
How could the isolated child
That never asked for you
To take your trauma out on them
To be thankful

I no longer pray
A whisper in the night
A conversation alone with the moon
A lunar mother I come begging for advice
Like maybe she can give me answers
Like somehow asking her would answer
Why we dance in this eternal ball
Why we must hurt if we have a savior

I no longer pray
A shout so much frustration
It sizzles off my tongue
I can't help but feel hate
For some one who watches
And prays on our weak
With promises of salvation
That turn into money hunger

I no longer pray
I'm tired on waiting for change
Following books and rules
When they can't even keep me safe
When they can't even bring solice to my pain
Why would I pray when nobody ever answers

One day,
when I'm six feet in the ground
And my body becomes bug food
And my bones become bug food
And my brain becomes big food
I hope with every bite
they catch glimpses of you
In every bit they are shown our smiles
They are shown our laughs
I hope there privy to our hours of conversation
I hope they get visions of you kissing me
The way we held eachother
Even when the others fire burnt us
I hope there senses are over run
The way your smile made mine
I hope they hear you
calling my name in the moonlight
The way words sounded like poetry coming from your lips
I hope there minds are full
Of my memories with you
Because even in death
We will never be apart

You screamed that i take up to much space
Half an inch from my face
Even while i slumped in the corner of the room
Because we all knew there was no escaping you
No escaping the drink
The nights youd go to far push me to hard

You said i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
And i just cant shake those words from my brain
On repeat over and over
Like a song i cant stop replaying
Your voice made me shake in the worst ways

You screamed i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
Because i ment nothing to you
The space that i took would just get in your way
so youd scream
Like if i didnt enable it the end was on me

My sadness is a fire
I built it to keep warm
I built it to protect me
I built to keep my sanity behind

My sadness is a fire
I fed it till it crept into the sky
I fed it till it chased every soul away
I fed it till I burned myself pushing you away

My sadness is a fire
But I built it higher
And so it became my cage I stay away from you
so I don't catch you in my flames

maybe you chose me based on the convenience
but i wouldnt have given you a second look
had i known the way we wouldve ended
i never wouldve chose you
i wish someone had written me a summary
because i had no idea
i had never seen the signs
i was to young to know any better then your hand
smacks so hard they couldve cut paper
bruises sprinkling my cheeks
yet you still called it pretty
like the bruises you left on me were just your prize

i can still feel the bite
the influence you had on me
i hear it everytime i ask permission
to do things i know he wont care about
like im still your obedient puppy
my head still so full
you broke me down
until i didnt even recognize any of my characteristics
i wonder if in another place at another time
somehow your soul was licensed to torture mine
like a sick contract with the devil
because even when ive left you
left your town
even left your friends
i still see you pop up in every store
staring pretending you didnt become
the most hateful person ive  ever met