I try not to get my hopes up
Because they have a habit of turning into ropes
That wrap around my throat
And leave burns that never go away
But when it strangely starts to look good
I get caught up in the moment
And I lose myself down a narrow narrow pathway
I get lost among the certain few positive events that occur
That my mind's focus fails to see the whole picture
And when reality swarms in
I am never ready
Caught with my guard down
I drown in all the facts and dreadful truths
Laying at the bottom
Immobilized
Lungs filled with bricks
Deflated
Shrunken
Heart
Shriveled
Pressured
Beaten
Broken
To keep from narrowing my mind
How will I ever learn
When will I ever recognize
That moment where I am about to make a mistake
So I can attack at mid stride
Turn it around
And not **** up
Shake my own shoulders
To loosen some sense
Hold onto those wide open thoughts
Never let them leave your brain
Tie them down
Keep them on their toes
And most importantly
Keep them on your side
A narrow mind
Doesn't see clearly
It tricks itself
Traps itself
And sometimes you can't get away
Trapped forever
In a place lead by the blind

Define the word friends
And let me know if we are
Because I don't know

I can be confident
Too overly confident
It's very rare
But it can happen
Only when I'm blind
But when the bright light
Shines in my ******* eyes
And I see the rejection
Being thrown in my face
It cuts me apart
And I bleed out into a puddle
That my bones dissolve in
And I have to rebuild
Everything over again
And it ******* hurts
Letting someone break you
It hurts being so ******* blind
It hurts convincing yourself
That you can trust someone
Thinking that you're the only one
But being so completely wrong
Showing someone that
You will give them everything
To build them up
Because you adore seeing them happy
But then they take that happiness
That you created for them
And they go
And ******* share it with someone else
Someone that you didn't even know existed....
And it hurts
It ******* kills me

I cannot wait
Till the day
I am gone
Out of here
Completely
Disappeared
And then have
Those people
That were suppose
To be my friends
Randomly think
"Hey I wonder
what Lisa's doing today"
And when
They go to
Call me
I won't pick up
And when they text me
I won't answer
And when they look for me
I won't turn up
And when they need me
Ill be gone
No where
Vanished
Like I was never here
At all
Ever
All those times
Where I pestered
And annoyed
The **** out of people
To hang out with me
But there was always
Something better to do
Than hang out with
Lisa Smida
So they blew me off
Over and over
Until it killed me
And I had to get the **** out
I want it to seem like
I was a made up character
In everyone's minds
Like I was just an image
They all happened to create
Simultaneously
And that I never really existed
And all the things that really happened
They were just all made up memories
False memories
Something the brain tells us
Because its what we really want
But it will seem too late
Because Im gone
But really....
It's not too late
Because I was never even there

Absolutely
All by myself
Not a single
Soul in sight
But I keep
Turning around
In search for

You

And each time
I turn to look
I see the same
**** thing
Just an empty
Road

Are

You ever going
To look for me
Will you ever
Show up
Or am I
Waiting around
For nothing
I wonder where

My

Sense has gone
Because
I waste all my time
Waiting for

Love

I want to sit here
But I don't want to sit here
What the ******* ****

The electric
Energy
That surges
Through my
Body
When someone
Blatantly
Mistakes
Me for a guy
Is probably
The strangest
Excitement
I actually enjoy

It makes me
Feel like me
When that
Mistake
Is made

When someone says
"Hey buddy"
I seriously
Want them to never
Find out the truth
That I'm actually a girl

I don't want
People to
Look at me
And casually
See a
Stereotypical
Girl

I never want
that realization
To occur

Is that weird?

I want
To be a girl
But
I don't want
to look like one

I want
To take on
The appearance
Of the opposite
***

I want
A flat chest
Short hair
A lean body
Toned muscles
And smooth skin

I don't want
To physically
Be
A man
Or
Take
Testosterone

I don't even like men

It's like
I don't want
To be
Either gender

I don't want
*****
Or
A *****

I don't want
To be
Labeled
Male
Or
Female

I don't want
Gender to be
A matter
That actually
Matters