I'm not even *****
I just wanna feel something
I'm alone in my room and everything just seems boring
And the thoughts inside my mind
are definitely still revolving
'round the same insecurities
I've had since I was younger
What doesn't **** you makes you stronger
but I can't see the benefit
in still surviving what feels like a ******
Everyday everything's out of order
I just take the blows I'm dealt without the chance to recover
and I wonder
Will I ever escape this?
I've given it so many name
I no longer know what IT is
Yearning for that sensation of perpetual bliss
I grow scared of the idea of not enjoying what life gives
Guess it is what it is
I've been trying to change things
but every attempt is a miss
Maybe I should just give in
Maybe this time I could finally get the win
Day after day
Night after night
Everything is the same
I can't believe I'm nearly 30
and I'm still playing this same old game
trying to figure out who the **** I should blame
Is it me? Is it you?
Was it us? Was it them?
When I was born they cut me out
like I was this perfect gem
and like a diamond I was built under the pressure of a thousand stares
Only to be dropped down the stairs
chipping off pieces of me
as I bounced off of every step
I'd say I have no regrets
but that's the kind of lie you tell to scare off people with fake interests
Choices I've made have hardly ever been the best
and the rest just haven't taken me to where the goal was set
Yet I still struggle every minute
every hour
I was told that the world was for me to devour
But I just lost my appetite
I'm going to bed without dinner
Sweet dreams and good night

Slim
            I wrap my arms around you

Sweet
            I can't taste this without you

Smile
            The brightness of your spirit

Sleep
            The tiredness that comes with it

Sin
            An aura that provokes me

Stop
            Before I am without me

Sing
            The songs that I am writing

Speak
            The thoughts you are igniting

Strong
            My heartbeat when I see you

Slow**
            *My heartbeat when I miss you

We're both standing on the edge.
You. Me. The void beneath our feet.
People walk frantically down below, rushing to get somewhere they don't want to go, to do things they don't want to do.
The wind blows harder on the rooftops, getting lost in your long, wavy hair like a newborn deer would alone in the forest.
Your eyes take a lingering look at the busy scene the streets are acting for us. Then you gaze at the clear, blue sky as you sigh and ask for forgiveness, but there is nothing to forgive.
I hold your hand in mine, and look into your eyes. They are scared, troubled. They shed a tear for who you were. They are filled with hope for who you'll become.
You smile.
I smile.
We close our eyes, and fly with the wind under our skin.
We soar so high into the sky.
We soar, you and I.

I once was a troubled teenager.
I was the black sheep in my family,
the rebel.

During this time I thought about self-harm,
suicide,
running away,
just finding a way to let it all out.
It was then that I started to write,
and I liked it.

I don't know how to compose music,
which is my first passion,
so I thought I might as well write lyrics.

Many times I thought a psycologist would help me,
but in the end I decided I'd rather be the troubled, insane guy I now am.

Trouble. Heartache. My own demons.
These are the reasons of my art,
and what would be of art without a reason?
Without a meaning?

Some may call me crazy.
Some may call me stupid.
Truth is I like being insane.
Normal is the last thing I wanna be,
because, to me, there's nothing interesting in normality.

Come and take me far away.
I just can't take another day.
I open my eyes to stare into the darkness.
I reach out my arms to grab onto nothingness.

I take another step uncertain of where I stand.
I scream out your name. Please take me out of this land.
My hands sweat, and a chill runs down my spine.
I can't grab my sword. I wonder if I'll be fine.

Silence and loneliness threaten my life.
He's taken the lives of my son and my wife.
And right when the madness is going to start
I feel a cold arrow go through my heart.

I lay on the ground, and I draw my last tear.
I tell you, my princess, you're safe. Have no fear.
Please know that I loved you. For my death feel no pain,
and I promise, my darling, we'll soon meet again.

Sadness.*
Emotions so empty they hurt me no more.
I look for an exit. The meaning of life,
yet I find nothing more than this lonely room and my thoughts.

Have I ever been happy? Will I ever be?
Is there a new tomorrow? Is today even real?

Nightmares hunt me even while I'm awake.
Demons, witches, death and ghouls.
Staring at me crying in a corner,
with nothing left to hold on to.
No memories, no links to reality. Nothing.

Tears roll down my face
frozen by the cold in my heart
(if you can even call that a heart).
A heart once strong, but now so fragile
threatened to break any second.
It pumps blood no more.
It has no beat.
It's yet another ornament in my hollow body.

Darkness all around.
In my head, in my eyes, in my ears.
Ghastly figures dance around me, feasting on my fears.
Feeding on my insecurities.
Growing stronger as I grow weaker.

This torment I cannot escape.
The doors and windows have been long gone.
Not even death will fulfill my wish to leave
for there is no more death for me.
I've died so many times it just feels like waking up again.

Despair. Anxiety. Emptiness.
The last shine of light has gone...
the smile beneath it all.

*Fade to black!

...






Alone.





I live alone.

No one near to hear me scream.
No one there to end my fears.



Shaking, I cry for help.





Help!
Help!


Echoes are the only thing I hear.
Echoes of my twisted mind
reminding me I'm empty.
I'm useless.
I fail time and time again.

I can't get out.



Help!
Help!



The sound fades out into my emptiness.


Wicked, ghastly images dance before me.
Creatures with thin, long bodies scratch my flesh with their blade-like fingers.

Bleeding and psychotic I lay,
motionless.

They dance.
They laugh.
They find pleasure in my pain.

My sanity leaking out through my pores.
My senses **** as I can only whisper once again...




*help

My eyes are swimming in a sea of words, reading vaguely. My mind is not in the book.
I just gaze a little bit over the book, and there she is, focused on doing some homework.
Her eyes fixed on the computer screen.
Her slender fingers type tiredlessly, but with a distinctive cadence.

She's so pretty.
So nice.

I hide a smile behind the book that covers my face.
She hasn't seen me yet, but every time I look at her, I feel how I can just smile forever.
This silly smile I lost long time ago.
It is back.
It is back because of her.

I just hope this smile is here to stay.

Yesterday I loved you...


                                             Today I miss you...


                                                                                    Tomorrow, who knows?

I need your arms tonight
The tears roll down my face, and I don't have the courage to dry them off
They stain my cheeks, drawing distinct patterns in my sorrow
Can't type a cowardly hidden word because I can't seem to find the will to go look for it, even though I can see its feet sticking out under the curtain
I, alienation, need your company
I need your arms tonight

Deambula por los barrios más oscuros de Madrid
una joven de ojos claros y labios carmesí.
Pregona a viva voz su mercancía variada;
pócimas para el amor, felicidad enfrascada.

Los clientes extasiados le suplican "¡Venid!";
su gama de productos les induce al frenesí.
A mí honestamente no me interesa nada
más que su sonrisa y su piel inmaculada.

Cruzamos la mirada y me acerco lentamente;
siento en mi interior una alegría antes carente.
Compartimos un saludo, un beso, una caricia.
¿Quién podía adivinar que escondía tanta malicia?

Tomamos una copa y charlamos vagamente.
Reímos y lloramos. Nos besamos tiernamente.
Desnudó ante mí su cuerpo y me amó sin justicia,
pues ahora entiendo; su intención era fictica.

Aún sin amarme me entregó lo que añoro.
Su cuerpo junto al mío fue para mí un tesoro.
Su **** tan dulce. Su entrega pasional.
Mi mano en sus senos y un "Te quiero" banal.

Al llegar el alba vi que se había marchado.
Ese fue el fin de nuestro amor condenado.
El vacío que causó me ha dejado malherido.
Se llevó mi corazón y lo vendió al olvido.

Tu nombre.
Tu dulce nombre.
Aún cuando lo escucho en otras personas tiene una sonoridad particular
que enternece mi alma, la debilita,
y se entrega a ti.

Y me acecha. Y me sigue.
A donde sea que vaya, alguien menciona tu nombre.

Oh, tu nombre.
Cada letra me hiere, clavándose en mi corazón
como siete pequeñas dagas,
desangrandome.

Me hiere el saber.
Reafirmar día con día el hecho de que no eres mía, y que nunca lo serás.

Lejos.
Lejos te quiero, mas no distante.
El dolor de tu ausencia es más fuerte que el dolor de tu presencia.
Violenta convulsión que sufre mi corazón cada vez que mis ojos se posan en ti.

Tú.
Represantación visual de un nombre.
Un nombre que me mata y me da vida.
Un nombre que me mueve y paraliza.
Un nombre.
Tu nombre.

I killed her... I killed her!
Her blood pouring down my face.
My clothes stained with the crimson reminder of a reunion gone wrong.
My very existence tainted with this horrible crime.

I did not mean to hurt her.
   Yes, you did.
I held no grudges for what she had done.
   Yes, you did.

It wasn't me who pressed the knife against her neck.
I wasn't the one who slit open her throat.
I'm not the owner of her last breath, her last heartbeat.

I did not **** her!
I did not **** her!
I... I... killed her.

Her blue eyes will never see me hurt again.
Her now purple lips will not kiss mine again.
Her cold, white hand will be held by no one anymore.

She's dead, but I didn't **** her.

I swear it was not me.
   The knife's still in your hand.
It was not me.
  She screamed your name as her life faded away.
It was not me!
   You know this is what you really wanted all along.

I'll lay by your side in this puddle of blood.
It is warm, unlike your body.
I'll hold your hand, and never let go.
I'll **** whoever did this to you.

I'll meet you on the other side.
**Goodbye.

Explode onto me sweet overthought of my life choices
Drain me of my focus
Guide me to self doubt, and embrace my insecurities as you feed them back to me
Multiplied
Intensified
Shoot me up with the same self esteem I've trampled over,
see if it goes up, or infects me with a false sense of confidence
which will lead to dumb decissions, regret, and the same **** starting point of this ******* poem
I think, therefore I am
Yet I fail to be, lost in an ocean of "but what if..?", and I drown in the consequences of my own idiocy
I breathe in your judgement and exhale insecurity
A definition of me I didn't write, but one I did buy

Unplug my heart.
It has been malfunctioning lately.
It hardly beats anymore.
It stops at any given time,
leaving me temporarily dead.
Or am I permanently dead?
I don't even know anymore.
Please, I beg! Unplug my heart.
It has no purpose anymore.
This tired, weakened heart
can beat no longer.
Not without you.

Those infamous last words
were said without anyone hearing.
They weakly fly in the wind,
as weak as my heart beating.

The tombstone is set.
My grave has been dug.
No one for a last kiss,
no one for a last hug.

The pain became too much to bare,
but I don't cry. Instead I laugh
for I'll soon be set free from this chain,
and you'll be reading my unwritten epitaph.

I'm still laying in a hospital bed,
plugged to instruments keeping me alive.
It's the only link you left for me in this world,
but I'm ready to cut it with my knife.

My pulse is fading.
The warmth is escaping.
This life is over.
Home-run's the next swing.

Why can't I write you something to make you fall in love?
You're so complicated to me, but also quite simple
You stay at a safe distance from me, but you're still the one I feel the closest to
It's no secret you are the one with whom I get along the best
You get me, and I get you
But there's still one thing you don't get,
and it is that I'm enamored of the way you are
Maybe you don't like it, but there is one person who'd never change a thing about you:
Your slim figure
Your contagious smile
The cigarette in your hand perfuming your clothes
The music that you listen to, which doesn't bother me anymore when I listen to it with you
The grimaces you make
The way you talk
The way you feel and the way you think
Your cinnamon coloured skin
The different colours of your hair
The way you dress and the way you undress
The way you told me you loved me a year back
The way you are so feminine
The way you are a friend
The times we spend talking about nonsense
The times we spend talking about everything
Is there anything else I can say?
I adore you
You fascinate me
You caught me without knowing or wanting to
Now I wonder what you might feel.

Everyday, when going to school, I always sat behind you on the bus.
I could hear what you talked about with Megan (boys, pop stars, glitter and pink... you know, that kind of things).
I would listen to know what to talk about with you, what you liked, so you could like me back. Oh, how I liked you.
I really liked you, and, even though we were young (13 to be exact), I knew you were the one.

Years went by. We grew up. You got even more beautiful while I got... well, not better.
Guys would follow you around everywhere you went. How I wish they all disapeared.
I was still too shy to tell you, to let you know what I had been feeling for years, since we first met. And one day I did.
I put on my nicest clothes to school. I put cologne on. I even got you a bouquet of roses, and I went to school convinced to tell you what I felt for you.
Much to my surprise you told me these exact words: "I've been waiting for you to tell me this for years. What took you so long?".
I couldn't believe my ears.
The most popular girl in school, the prettiest, was telling ME that she liked ME back.
I mumbled. I stuttered. I choked on my own words.
Luckily you knew what to do.
You leaned over to me, and kissed me, with those sweet, smooth lips of yours. I was in heaven.
A kiss so warm, so passionate, so full of love. I could never forget that kiss.
So we started going out. We would go to the movies, to the mall, for a cup of coffee or for a nice ice cream.
We didn't care where we were as long as we were with each other. We were happy... oh, so happy.
Until that fateful day.
You were over at Megan's. I was with my friends.
My phone rang, and I picked up just to hear your voice, that sweet, comforting voice I've always liked, turned into an awful, saddened weep.
You kept repeating "I'm so sorry.". I asked what was wrong, but you'd only say "I really am so sorry.". Then you hung up.
I drove over to Megan's, but you were already gone.
You left a message for me with Megan though. "She said to leave her alone. Don't call her. Don't look for her. Don't even talk to her in school."
I was devastated.

Not sure of what was going on I went to your place, and there you were, crying... in his arms.
I should have known from the way you smelled like him. The way you were away when I talked to you.

I rang the bell. When the door opened it wasn't you but him.
I said "Hi. Is Amanda home?", and proceeded to break his nose.
He threw a punch at me, and missed.
I hit him hard in the stomach, and then his head. Out cold... and bleeding.
You were screaming. Panicking.
I walked up to you while you walked away from me.
You eventually got cornered up, and sat on the floor crying, asking "What do you want?".
I crouched, and asked "So, is he a good guy? Does he know how to treat such a treat like you? Is he better than me?"
No response. Only weeping.
I got up, and headed to the door.
He was still waiting for me there, laying out cold on the floor.
He was so vulnerable, so I kicked him in the head. I kicked him so hard his spine actually snapped. He sacrificed himself for love.
I turned around to see you shocked. Horror flooded your eyes.
You were shaky, you couldn't stand, you couldn't speak. You were lost in the situation.
I walked up to you again. This time you did get to say, or actually, scream "Get away from me!".
"Ohh, but I only want to comfort you for your loss. This must be a great hit for you." I said as I wrapped my arms around your neck, and hugged you.
You fainted.

When you woke up, here you were, in my house.
You said you had made a terrible mistake. That I was, and would always be, the only one for you.
I forgave you immediately. You know I just can't live without you.
And so here we are, still together.
We've been through the worst, and now we've only got our love to live because I'd love you even after you're gone.
You'll always be with me.
When I kiss your dry lips. When I touch your cold skin. When I see into your empty eyes I know I will never have to kiss you goodbye.

I see my face in the mirror
I see my reflection on the glass
And everytime I do, I am more and more disgusted by the image staring back at me
What I see is a manifestation of the demons that hunt me, slowly eating away my skin, leaving nothing but blood and bone
I am nothing but a wrapper, easily discarded once it has ceased to be useful
I am empty space
I cannot be filled anymore for the walls are too thin
My pores easily sweat the feelings I once held so dear, and all that's left is the cold air of emptiness
The last of me has evaporated to fly away with the wind
I am dread
I am pain
I've become what I once loathed
I am dead weight slowing myself down
I am the pebble in my own shoe
I am here and gone
I am not