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113 · Dec 2021
straws.
Kelly Dec 2021
my chest breaches inward
     a brittle and defenseless cavity
to the acid rain of tears
     falling off your cheeks and burning my skin

wrapping serpents of deficiency, constricted around my heart

bleeding for every serrated edge
                 of your agonizing emotions
and bashing my head into the most unrelenting of walls
so afraid of just how much i am                                  falling
                     ­                                                                 ­    short.
113 · Jan 2021
wishful.
Kelly Jan 2021
Do you know how desperately I wish


     we were right for each other?
I’m still wishing
111 · May 2021
control.
Kelly May 2021
"She's lost control"
She said it first
the words you'd buried deep

You had your path steady in hand
before this swift defeat
i want to know you
109 · Nov 2021
ink.
Kelly Nov 2021
I'm no visual artist

so why am i drawing these pictures?
Just etching stick figures from the tip of my pen
                                                           pretending
to make me feel better?

                                           how sick.

How sick indeed, as carpenter bees
        crawl through my ears and burrow deeply into the walls of my skull
something to blame                       i suppose?

I can image the reason for the tides of my brain
this immortal hell
like it isn't the work of my body's own cells

                                                                                 oh well.

at least I woke up this morning.
108 · Jul 2021
human.
Kelly Jul 2021
i can break down too

in the quiet of a night between two breaths of those i love

I can falter too

I can be imperfect and learning and not the statue of reason and support so many require from me

I can be weak and petty too

choosing to break and release and feel bad for me

I can be human too
exhaustion release is cathartic
108 · Oct 2021
impaired.
Kelly Oct 2021
i love everything i hate about myself.
108 · Mar 2021
we.
Kelly Mar 2021
we.
i haven't seen those two names put together in a while.

a comfortable silence reflective of an instant
where some blissful time existed
                                        for who we used to be.

but we don't talk anymore.
detachment.
107 · Jul 2021
golden.
Kelly Jul 2021
there's very few things I'd taste the same way
as the sweetness between your legs
or a golden milk latte
107 · Mar 2020
black.coffee.
Kelly Mar 2020
I miss New York

             And Think.

And other things
    

           that taste of coffee
read: you
106 · Jan 1
Untitled
Kelly Jan 1
I want to write
The idea of typing is so hideously ingenuine
I want to reach deep inside of me
Find the things that bite
And take them in my arms
Hold them hard
And tell them that they’re right
106 · Nov 2021
quiet.
Kelly Nov 2021
Me to my brain: QUIET
102 · Aug 2021
scary.
Kelly Aug 2021
i was told not to idolize my favorite practice
of looking in the mirror and baring my teeth
at every disgusting piece of me

i'm not despondent
in this image
but rather fond
of my ability to embrace the monsters
within me
and still find it quite easy to breathe

isn't that a little scary?
all of this is temporary
102 · Nov 2021
ed.
Kelly Nov 2021
ed.
i'm pulling at my skin again

breaking and hating
my body.
101 · Mar 2021
lately.
Kelly Mar 2021
the more time i spend looking inward,

the further i pull away

in fear of the person i've been lately
a product of your environment
101 · May 2021
tension.
Kelly May 2021
dull, white lights
and softer smiles
a gentle touch
in hindsight files

replay and replay
in flickering lights
I can't reach out
but I know you fight

the same desires.

tension present and always grows
face to face
where nobody knows

but me and you.
exciting.
101 · May 2020
growth.
Kelly May 2020
My first taste
              from a different place

                           came from a poison drip

cursed lips
                           and weapons cinched in hips


                  Sexualizing romance for others’ leering pleasure

       now, blanketed security

   I feel no inferiority
  
                   and pleasure is free

for romance is no longer sexualized but prized, and *** is now romanticized

                   and I can feel everything.
101 · Sep 2021
access.
Kelly Sep 2021
Access is wonderful, isn’t it
To somebody who’s never had it

So have fun with a better version
Of the things I have to work so hard to be

Because you have access to the things
That don’t come easy for me
Not Without weight in my screams
And the skin of my teeth

Because famous friends
And opportunity
Were never given to me

So I’ll kindly be lesser
Work harder
Cry often
And stick a sock in whatever stings the surface of my skin
Or the pits of my stomach

Because I’m still the ******* villain
im just a knock off
100 · Mar 2021
allowance.
Kelly Mar 2021
I've often thought I'm bad at love,
I love with fierce fervidity

but every soul within that field
I've lost with quiet
severity
my door is always open

2016
100 · Jul 2021
oakland.
Kelly Jul 2021
Careful about who
you reach into

The ones who bite the
hand that feeds them

Mark your red flags,
and ignore them

Watch your back
or you're condemned.
the vacant stares, the ones who don't care
99 · Nov 2023
archive.
Kelly Nov 2023
there's a few ways it manifests
just in every way
                                    some small tinge of preference
      erupts into a spiraling sink drain

dragging me into the dirt
                                                        of my own self worth

broken down by my fascinations until
                                       a new picture emerges

a different perspective
                                                           maybe this time better?

                            almost always worse




because I'll never deserve it
archive
99 · Nov 2021
untitled.
Kelly Nov 2021
somebody cares about my body
                                            and the way i spend it
                                                                                                and

                           i won't tell them how much i cried
when they told me that.
99 · May 2021
tired.
Kelly May 2021
I’m tired of people meeting me

And falling in love with somebody


Who doesn’t exist
I’m not here yet
99 · Nov 2021
bodies.
Kelly Nov 2021
do i really not care...

           or do i not care                       about me?
98 · Mar 2021
locksmith.
Kelly Mar 2021
I locked my heart away in a body
I swore did not exist

Still somehow handed her the tools
to push on, and persist
how do people get in without a key?
98 · Sep 2021
fall.
Kelly Sep 2021
the moment the air starts to bite
with the shrillness of fall
my chest fills with light
and my thoughts

circle cyclically
over
and
over
of only your body

pressing me against the wall
and the pressure of your hips
slipping
and fitting
so effortlessly
into the crevices
of me

and I'd die
to know that feeling
you. and. me.
98 · Oct 2021
direction.
Kelly Oct 2021
I'm waiting on a person I do not even know
to tell me things about myself I'm too afraid to show

                       cause if through her, or him, or me there's in this
something more

why are all these washed up bodies

                                        washed up on my shore?
i probably should stop (Orlando, 2017)
98 · May 2021
clarity.
Kelly May 2021
Your own head lead to personified
ambitions blocked by tainted lines
incriminating
undefined
injustice catered to your blind side

you never saw it coming.

you never saw it through.

How could she see you better than the way you thought you knew?
thank you.
98 · Sep 2021
mistaken.
Kelly Sep 2021
if you think i wanted this
if you think i awoke with a desire to bring agony,
twist the knife deeper into a wound I never wanted to make
you are so sorely
and sorrily
mistaken.
everything i feel or nothing at all.
95 · May 2021
passion.
Kelly May 2021
I finally found a pulsing draw
to pull me from my faults
Something that brought my heart to life
and sang beyond past falls
I fell in hard, I fell in fast
and in it I found ways
To free the darkness of my heart
and let it roar in waves.
something beautiful
95 · Feb 2021
fabricated.
Kelly Feb 2021
I can't tell you how many times I've been here
Although I suppose what matters more is the amount of times I've climbed
                            out of here

Creating flakes of golden light in the shadows
Using them to hang onto some fabled dream
I've been stupid enough to believe
is reality

that I created.

Dominated by insanity, swallowed by crazy
Because in this fabricated dream
is the only place I feel
happy.
I've always felt I belonged to another world, So i began to create one.
94 · Oct 2021
atrophy.
Kelly Oct 2021
another spent hour in the corners of my heart
because central, there's never enough light to the dark
persistent downpour of intangible rain
no antidote strong enough to thaw out my brain

hooked in a rhythm, perpetually aligned,
reeling through each moment I fail to define
marked recalls of others,
the pivotal pivot
your hands on my face
your teeth in my vision

uselessly used and again thrown away,
you walk from the atrophied heart on display.
2017
94 · Nov 2021
hidden.
Kelly Nov 2021
nobody suspects the girl with a skeleton grin
and dappled sharks on her skin
struck matches on hips,
hitting curbs with her chin  

Nobody asks the weight of the shoulders that shake
Most often with laughter
The tug of a thread, a bold entertainer

keep it that way, in turbulent weather
To make room for the others
That suffer below her

so nobody suspects the girl’s cold chagrin
Of furious self hatred
and loathing within
for why kelly
94 · Jun 2021
friends.
Kelly Jun 2021
reach for my chest again
and say we're "just friends"
is there always an ulterior motive?
93 · May 2021
bitter.
Kelly May 2021
if you'll leave
why'd you bring me black coffee in bed?
lies taste the same.
92 · May 2021
dreams.
Kelly May 2021
what happens when you fall in love with somebody

                                          in a dream?
i wonder if you'll ever dream of me.
92 · Mar 2021
used.
Kelly Mar 2021
you asked for every part of me
every story and small piece
my horrors and my tribulations
pulled from me in strict frustration
claiming I was bare to you
in moments fueled by ******* moves
thinking that's the only time
I'm shedding armor


for you.
vulnerability is not an invitation.
92 · Nov 2021
temporary.
Kelly Nov 2021
i didn't look both ways before turning onto the street today
and a car almost clipped my bike
i slammed on the brakes
and dragged my shoes against the asphalt

a narrow miss
that previously would have flirted too closely
with desires lingering just below the surface
of flying too close to the sun

and the drop, the impact, the trigger, the pressure
craved by the skeletons in my cortex
rather than the anticipated quiet release
brought an increase          in my heart rate

fleeting fear commandeered my lust for the abyss
and i surprised myself, for daring
to live, the thought echoing across my skull

as sporadically panned as my stereo fields

the appeal to take another breath, for once,
has been much more scary, but

isn't all of this just            

                                               tem-
                  
                            -po-                              

                                                                                   -rar-
                                                  -y
91 · Oct 2021
truancy.
Kelly Oct 2021
I thought about spending my nights in strangers’ beds
the barren wasteland of my sheets
the absence of your body

a much more excruciating prison
91 · Dec 2023
weeds.
Kelly Dec 2023
I’ve been clearing the weeds

But ****, you put out such a pretty flower
let it go
90 · May 2021
diamonds.
Kelly May 2021
I bared my skin in restless beds
to cut my teeth on those who
never loved me.
march 2018
89 · Jul 2021
trauma.
Kelly Jul 2021
i avoid the homework
my therapist drew

because I knew all of my answers
would come back to


you.
how many different ones
89 · Mar 2021
fleeting.
Kelly Mar 2021
it was then i knew to quit trying
the unrequited lure -- to quit lying
to myself in lieu of her silence
begging to the moon to requite this

but it was never more -- to her
it was never care -- to her
just fistfuls of hair and
fleeting lust

maybe even that was too much.
we missed, didn't we?
88 · Oct 2021
before.
Kelly Oct 2021
the clouded vignette forever tainted in edge
i'll abuse your presence to counter my dread
when thoughts of his influence enter my head
i'll force you beneath me, beg you to break my bed.

i'll search for your monsters
and bleed through your skin
pulse your body into me
forget where I am

craving your teeth sunken, hands around my neck
to feel what he felt like
those years before he left.
2016.
88 · Oct 2021
panic.
Kelly Oct 2021
i tried to abandon thoughts of you
the sudden break from the lines we had fused
spurred my slip into darkness
cold
hot
Abyss.
I never envisioned my knees to my eyes
tepid in your contemporary implies
I never wanted to be here
Holding myself together
The Hundreds could not save me from your tempest weather.
Pounding and pounding
relentless rain
Turned hardened to hail
as you sullied my brain

Stop.

Indulged in the concept i'd been offered thus late
Attempting to turn panic into hate
I hate you
I hate you
When you said "i'll break you"
i didn't believe that I'd drop my walls for you

Stop.

You care more for yourself and this need to be wanted
I didn't like feeling like something you'd hunted
I wanted to love you
pure, absent of lust
I gave you small pieces of forgotten trust
You didn't fit in that faction
set in safety of heart
your colors bled swiftly into abstract art
Painted within me
you saw my unjustly
please tell me this was something more than my body

Stop.

I want to
to hate you
I want to ******* hate you
For playing these games in my ready-****** head
before you i'd witnessed more lenient dread
But now that you're in me
you're left of my skin
I've washed you away
tried to forget my sin

I should've been your friend first.

I should've been your friend first.

But honey, you too, you should've been my friend first
and now i am strewn out in pieces, debris
from your choking grip you will not set me free
Your need to be wanted
your lust for my soul
Let go, I'm not breathing
i've lost all control.
this was weird to rewrite
87 · Jun 2021
ihatedrugs.
Kelly Jun 2021
i hate drugs.
But thinking about the cool wooded breeze
your tongue on my teeth
Drinking the substances I can no longer appease
your body against me

I hate drugs.

but i can't help but wish you'd do them with me.
87 · Feb 2021
stupid.
Kelly Feb 2021
and looking back on all the countless times i loved you tirelessly,
how stupid to assume it was the same way that you loved

me
in fewer words.
87 · Aug 2021
body.
Kelly Aug 2021
her body reminds me of yours
so last night i dreamt of it
if  i can't have love
85 · Oct 2021
liar.
Kelly Oct 2021
The hardest part about honesty
From somebody of avoidance
Is once you start using it
They’ll only hear the shake in your voice
it doesn’t matter
85 · Oct 2021
lack.
Kelly Oct 2021
my world is too heavy for me
it's weighted in my bones
i cannot fathom life without
this deafening, silent drone

the pile has grown, i've thrown it all
and all are taking back
i guess i'm the exception, cause in everything


i lack.
2016, sometime when i gave a **** about rhyme and meter
83 · Feb 2021
lust.
Kelly Feb 2021
i still remember everything
as he fell short asleep
his patterned breathing echoed
in the ears of faded dreams

I'd wanted this
i'd wanted this
the moment came and went

why do i keep on giving in
to fleeting tests of skin?
unfulfilling
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