i still remember everything
as he fell short asleep
his patterned breathing echoed
in the ears of faded dreams

I'd wanted this
i'd wanted this
the moment came and went

why do i keep on giving in
to fleeting tests of skin?

still sunlight stripped the bedroom
as the cold seeped through my bones
i turned to find it empty
i awoke, i was alone

no quiet stir
or soft murmur
no sleepy morning quips
no muffled sigh
or silken thigh
to hook over my hips

i laid my head upon no chest
i traced no collarbone,
and my back against no body
said this was no longer home.

pack up those ridged teeth
step outside your crooked heat

I'd have loved you

                if you'd wanted me to

we were, we are
a hurricane
a wayward train
torrential rain
scattered, scorched, and singed terrain
but we are NOT debris,
remains

we're beautiful, and effervescent
caliginous, bold
eclipsed fluorescence
tapered in incessant lessons
and garnished in moments of
  
                                                    Heaven

n­o longer in hiding.

I'm weak and scorched and slightly torched
but

                            didn't you do this?

Do my words
                               my existence
              
                   my breath
                                                          ­    my hardship

the thud of my feet upon the flesh of the earth

                                      my thoughts of us
                                                              ­                   or lack thereof..

Carry explosives
                                 unruly power
                      omnipotence
                         ­                               demolition
                       ­      daggers

into the satin, slick clamshell center of your chest


The way yours do

                                       To me?

Do you think of me


In New York City?

the list of names grows longer in honor
of every night awake
They say it won't matter but everything shatters
and I'm fine to put it away.

You can say it any way,
but I'm playing games
still torn each time they walk
away.

I’m so in love with you
            but I feel like I’ve ruined it
and my fragile filthy mind
         replays my shortcomings
                       my embarrassments
                       my failure
                       my faults
                       my worthlessness
your tears.

Drained by my own hand,
pulled from your eyes
                                         by my ability to destroy

everything good            and
everything I want in this life

A comforting sigh in a sickening night

                             the ink of your arms on the satin of my sides

It’s hilarious
Truly
How when it’s just you and me
Things are perfect

But insert an external muse
Of amusement
Something neither of us care for
Still some score
Is kept
Between and the tension sweeps
And I can’t keep clean

All I know is I wish it would stop
And I wish you would stop
Because it disgusts me
And thrusts me
Deeper into the *****
of something I never even cared for

Because it’s farther away from both of you
Because neither of you
Want me for me
And that is disgusting

You used to come to me
When you were happy

And now

From a corded line
At the end of the drive

I can’t say I need you


Because you’re happy
So you have to go


From a corded phone

Even when you know

But I’ll never tell you I’m alone
Or that it hurts
Or that I need you

Because you’re happy
And you have to go


So I’ll sit here.
Dead phone tone.

Because you’re happy now
So you have to go.

I'd spend days walking the line of your jaw
dipping between the ridges of your mouth
and skipping rocks along your shoulder blades

I'd spend hours on the bones in your hips
sliding below your skin,
form-fitting handles, molding like clay
to the shape of my hands

I'd paint the walls of my skull with your voice
filling the lonely rafters of my ribs,
rhythmic swells through the tides of my mind
following the contraction of your laugh

I'd lose my hopelessness in this  noise,
and from the labyrinth of you
never seek escape

                      
                                  ­                as if i ever had a choice