it's easy to digress and stress
over predetermined endings
and inevitable sadness
pain granted by the calling for its opportunity
in efforts not to rule out the possibility

it's easy to build bones thicker than walls
of resentment and regret
when the brick and mortar are laid
by the weak foundation that caused it to break

it's easy to place hate in the hands of owing grace
and half smiles face the tides
of even keeled
untimely fate

it's easy to blame the sand
for causing the waves to break
in forgiveness and space
no landslide wretched,
i always remained

with all the change, there was always space
in the marrow of my bones, i built homes
for you and me
plenty
for each time you may leave

and each time i will hope patiently
because maybe
it could be
                   or maybe it couldn't

let's just not rule out the possibility

i'm not certain why i thought i might hear from you on my birthday,

you always had a hard time remembering it anyway

i prayed for this
now i don't want it

the highs fly by and my eyes can't catch any moments
i ride on attention and affection

i spend time between the sheets with people i'm dying to meet
and wake in the morning begging for solitarity

i pathologize my feelings
and
i want to be alone but my thoughts are my loudest company

my brain is stuck in cyclical relentlessness
i speak to myself and somebody else answers

i keep my room tidy, so they'll think of me kindly
when they come for my things.

I am okay
it's just extremely ambiguous
              
              A word that holds just as many different meanings as there are languages in the world

i've heard almost every tongue i've encountered use it
           it means the same thing to us all
           it means everything all at once

Am I okay?

I still claw through dense sadness
I still dwell on impenetrable pain
                   I still mask wells of fiery anxiety -- ripping the pit of my stomach
                 I question the validity of my own feelings
    I struggle desperately to heal
                                                                       I'm trying, truly
I'll keep trying.


Because I am okay, I really am.

                                               I'm just within several definitions of that dangerously ambiguous word.

they ask me what my pain feels like,
i say not everything feels like something else