What is the hardest part
                    Of being alone?
It's the quietness,
A stillness making
What ought have been a home-
a house.
It's filled with beds,
But those lover's nests
Are             Empty.
And the thought is
As occupying as a dream.
A dream you cannot feel
Because the loneliness is keeping you awake

With no one to hold down your fears
         And keep you safe.

I was only nine when you took my innocence,
and now that I’m older I’ve been trying to make sense.
I could have loved him, I think if it wasn’t for you,
but with each kiss I felt yours, and I couldn’t go through.
I never let him in because what if he didn’t understand,
the way that it felt to be used by a man?
I know that by now your body has rotted,
but the things that you did won’t be easily forgotten.
Each time is a struggle when I find someone new,  
and they try to touch me like young lovers do.
I get sick to my stomach and feel uneasy,
and it leaves me feeling ***** and guilty.
I find myself wondering if I'll end up alone,
or if someone would love me despite what they'd know.
If I could give them everything without pulling away,
and if it took time, how long they would wait.

Tonight was to
   be the night of flair of
pomp and extravagance and
  life and reason

Though months of late close their doors
    this transition is a welcome one
  to fresh fiery fall
         and associated mindsets

In the winter we will sleep
  Spring brings rabbit-like copulation
And our summer leads emotions to run rampant

But now, 40
     note-cards later
  no progress has found me this night

I feel like making a scene, like
The time we yelled at each other
In the store (most likely embarrassing
Mom), but I lack the energy to do so.

I’m just angry and I keep thinking
Of all the things that’ve made
Me angry in the past. Thinking
Of all the reactions I wish I
Had done instead of the lame
Ones I did.

Unlikely scenarios are playing
In my head. I prepare heated lines
That will probably never be spoken,
But I think them, just the same.

I’m trying to get over this, it’s
Just hard sometimes, you know?
Festering anger and unspoken words
Have always had a strong grip on my
Mind. Someday they’ll leave me alone,
Right?

As you watch the movie,
I sit and watch you.
You fascinate me,
With everything you do.

Then you look over at me,
You bite your lip and smile.
Whenever you are with me,
You make everything worth while.

Though I still have no idea,
What was going through your head.
When you looked at me so lovingly,
Was it something that I said?

Was it something that I did to you,
That made you look that way?
That made you want to look at me,
And give me that display.

As you bit your lip and smiled at me,
I almost went insane.
Though to this day I've no idea,
What went on inside your brain.

If only you were here right now,
Closely by my side.
I could tell you how I feel,
All these emotions that I hide.

I want to tell you every thought,
That rests inside my head.
But every time I try and say it,
Its like the words have fled.

I've typed it up for you to see,
And think it every day.
I guess the fact that I love you,
Is what I'm trying to say.

The words don't want to leave my lips,
The just will not come out.
I thought that I should let you know,
I love without a doubt.

Sometimes,

I sit and run my fingers along the brim of my coffee cup.

I move them in circles after circles,

Feeling the warmth of the steam on my skin.

I do it over and over again,

Until I forget why I started.

Sometimes,

I fall back

Into your arms

Even though I know,

You haven’t always caught me.

I do it over and over again,                                                    

Until I forget why I started.

The darkness draws you in

A hidden soul, so pained

A secret sin

The rush of anger leaves you feeling drained


Thoughts swirl around you

Broken dreams and wishes emerge

There's nothing you can do

You can't resist the urge


The need for relief is suddenly so real

Searching for your safety

Fingers brush against cold hard steel

You take a deep breath and hold your arm steady


A gleam of metal

Reflected in your crying eyes

Cutting as deep as you can go

Biting back your anguished cries


Blood drips down your arm

And you receive a sick thrill in your demented soul

From such twisted harm

Tearing yourself apart really does make you whole