Let me ******* explain something to you!
Stop with your sorrys because they don't mean anything!
And you all know they never have!
Let me explain that
Yeah
She was your
Sister
Best friend
Section member
Ex- lover
Band kid
Student
Friend
Team member
Classmate
But ******
She was my girlfriend.
She was the person I loved.
Who I still do love.
So
*******
STOP

Acting like I have no reason
To be upset
That she is gone.

When did what I feel stop mattering.
It isn't a question if it cannot be answered.
Or if no one cares enough to.

Let me just say
That sometimes
The words I
Have to say
Are best put
In the words
That other people
Have written
As songs.
And I am
Not ashamed
To say that
I could not
Word my thoughts
Any better.

I can feel the slow throbbing of my heartbeat
When I press my thumb to my accidental wound
That stopped me from inflicting pain upon my skin
It is steady, without a missing thump
A loyal metronome that reminds me
Of how powerless I am after all of this
I remember the first morning I noticed
The slowness of my heart
I was at the kitchen table the morning
After I was informed of them taking her away
I couldn't breathe and my hand clutched
At my chest, beating it to bring normality back
But it wouldn't bring back the extra beat
Everyone knows heartbeats are not
Completely consistant in keeping time
But I would like to believe she made me
Steady, rhythmic, mechanic, robotic
When they took her away
"Hey, why do you always look so sad?"
I gave the answer my brain spit out
I remember thinking it was a bad thing to say
But it came out despite all judgement
"Because I'm going crazy right now."
It wasn't a lie and it still isn't
My heartbeat is still slow and lethargic
As it pumps through my veins like iron
So, yes, I'm a little bit crazy
But that's okay, given the circumstance
Crazy beats dead, which I'm not
Even with my dying heartbeat
Out of my control.

Reasons I'm giving myself to hate you:
You came here.
You let us let you near us.
You got attached to destruction
(Let's admit that's what I am)
And we got attached to something
We knew we couldn't keep around.
I hate you because I'm left in the ashes
Of the mess we made
By fighting fire with fire.
And I'm not stable enough
To keep my friends from dying
Like I used to try to be.
So what am I supposed to do when
I can barely keep my own heart steady
Much less hers. And his. And theirs.
With you, I was finally on common
Ground with someone.
Now I'm left being the strong one
When everyone forgets that
I was the one you kissed
And touched and loved
In a way other than sisterhood.
But no.
I'm not allowed to feel it.
Everyone else needs me to bandage
The wounds your leaving left on them.
I guess two weeks was enough
Time to get over you, in theory.
I'm finished crying over you
At least over this.
Because I'm too strong.
But my friends seem to forget
That I no longer have an outlet

And I'm bound to snap one day.

I'm not giving up.
I promise.
I am still yours.
I'm just a little bit lost.
Don't hate me, girlie.
I love you.
I really do.
I'm just lost.
One day you will read this.
And you will hate me for what I'm doing.
But what do you expect?
I'm shutting down.
I'm breaking.
The term from the inside out makes sense.
My heart shattered.
Now my entire life is.
You made me happy.
I'm just trying to substitute it.
ANNA YOU CANNOT JUDGE ME FOR THIS.
ASHLEY AND AMBER.
ASHLEY AND AMBER.
WE WERE STILL TOGETHER THEN.
YOU ARE GONE NOW.
SO WHY SHOULD I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT THIS?
ABOUT DOING NOTHING?

because you are betraying the girl you love

And let the tears fall.