It
Took
Them
Nine
Days
To
Catch
Us.
We've
Had
Nine
Days
Without
Them
Involved.
Our love grew on hiding...
That scares me.

The last time I cried for a piece of music,
I sat second chair
And it was January
Probably my 15th birthday
No.
It was.
I wasn't so damaged
I had no scars
My hands were not bruised
And they had never felt blood
In excess amounts
And I was sad yet happy
And I didn't cry for the boy
Who broke my heart the
Year before that
No.
I cried for the music
The complete beauty of it
And my section leader,
She cried too
It was a beautiful piece of music.
Sometimes I hear it in my sleep

One year ago,
February the 28th,
To be exact,
I built up this wall
No more crying
For music, for people, for yourself
Because crying is for the weak

The last time I cried for music
Was January 14th of last year
I hadn't met her yet
She was no one
I barely even knew her mother

Today I cried
During two pieces of music
Because I was wrong
I had this lovely thing
Painted in my head
(I've never been good at art)
Of her leaning on me,
Holding my hand

I cried today for a piece of music
Because of a girl
Who broke my heart
And the same girl
Will probably fix it again
If I let her.

Today I cried for a piece of music
Because I was wrong.

There is a box of blades in the drawer above the trash cans. I know where they are. I could steal one in the middle of the night. And no one would know. I could do it. I love those blades. They make me feel powerful. Like no one can stop me. Like this is my life and I can destroy it if I want to.

You've got this way of moving
That always made me believe that you
Wanted me to learn how to dance
Because that was what was to be done.
Little girls were to take ballet
And not kiss other girls behind closed doors.
That's what you always taught me.
But, no, you never said those words.
All you said was a child's version of
"Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir."
But actions speak louder than...
...Wait for it...
Words.
At least that is what my band director taught me.
You always wanted a band kid,
Right, Mommy?

You played nice.
You showed up to my performances
You cried when I played the right notes
And I found my spot on stage
You were all you were supposed to be
Right, Mommy?

I've always had this feeling
That it was all an act
That you showed up for the cameras
And for the other parents
That's why you came to church
All those years when I was younger
Right, Mommy?

I started to doubt you when
I had to sit in the third pew by myself
After he left us again
But you were always sick
That's what you always told me
The old women who sit behind me
Don't believe that anymore
I'm too old for that now
I've lost their pity but maybe they gave it
To the little girl who...
Oh wait, no other kid sits alone
At the front of a Lutheran church.
It's always been just me.
But you were sick all the time; tired
Right, Mommy?

And you brought all of those men
Into our house
And told me not to bolt the door
When the last one left
But I was tired of being belittled
And beaten because you couldn't
STAND to be alone for a year
But I guess I'll get married four times
Like you did because you are
An excellent roll model
Right, Mommy?

I can't remember being little, Mommy.
Did you let him hurt me?
Or them
What are the chances that you were too busy
Crying your eyes out for an act
And they hurt me?
Slim to none I'm sure,
Right, Mommy?

You've always been a good actress
Maybe that's where I get it from
But you have become so good
That even you don't notice how fake
Your words have become
Especially when it comes to me and who I love
I don't know what to believe anymore
So maybe I'll just start up an act
Like my mommy did.
That seems to be the way things should be
At least that's what I've gathered
From sixteen years with you.

smile
This is better.

Right, Mommy?