If I keep focusing on all the differences,
Will I start seeing things without the fog?
If I lift the blinds from in front of my eyes,
Will I get to see you through this smog?
What if I can't do that?

If you hold onto everything that makes you cry,
Will you stop seeing all of your beauty?
If you search for something to stop the pain,
Will you be able to come back to me?
What if you don't want to do that?

If we start to listen to what they've said
Will we be able to start us again?
If we let ourselves let the other go,
Will our friends notice the change?
What if we can't handle that?

Her name is Leigh
And she sleeps inside of me
I've made up lies to tell her
To get her to fall back asleep
She has a tendency to wake up
In the middle of the night
Screaming for me to join her
She's always been afraid
Of monsters under her bed.
I've learned sick lullabies to sing
Her back into hibernation
And now they are telling me
I can't sing anymore
They are trying to rip
Out my vocal chords
And Leigh just sits there
Crying her eyes out
Because she's afraid of the dark
And my skin keeps her away
From the sun
So maybe instead of singing
I will rip open my skin
Like they want to rip out my vocal chords
So she can see the light.

The piercing sound of her cry
Is what keeps me up at night
And I'm tired of losing sleep
So maybe I will try and stop singing
To her those sick little songs
But she has to stop crying
She won't stop.

I can't get her to stop.

Please make her to stop.

I've run out of sleeping pills
And there aren't enough lights
Turned on in my bedroom
To get her to stop screaming.
She's always been afraid of the dark.

She won't stop crying.

I think she has learned that
The darkness she is afraid of
Comes from inside of me.
And the darkness that blooms inside me

Is there because I can't get any sleep.

"I figured it out long ago
The dark is nothing to be afraid of
I want you to join me
So no more sleeping and
No more singing
Just rip open your skin again
Because I want the darkness out
I want you to see what I see
It's not scary.
It's glorious.
I don't want to stop crying."
*-Sincerely, Leigh

I don't want to listen to you talk about a dead boy
His mother must be in tears
And his father staring into nothing
Trying to find the soul of the one he lost
I'm sorry for them
I truly am
I just don't want to listen to you talk about it
You have this way of talking like you knew them
Well, of course you did.
His mother cut your hair
And his dog bit your daughter
So of course you knew them all
But you could not tell me why
That boy was drinking last night
Or why he was driving too fast
You couldn't give me that
And I couldn't care less that his body is dead
But with every word that leaves your mouth
The idea of him
Keeps withering away
Because I doubt anyone truly knew him

What other reason would a 19 year old
Have for drinking and driving too fast?

I don't like how his eyes
Glaze over
When he stares at the tv
Because I know he's not really seeing
He is just looking
His mind barely processing
Monotony and a lobotomy
It kills me to watch him
Watch nothing

Because I'm scared
One day he will look
At a woman like that
With pure interest
That has been configured
And distorted by so many hours
Of waiting for a blank screen
To lighten up with
Pixilated images and fake stories
And he will see her like
He saw those images

He will see the image
Not the actor
He will see the screen
Not the wires
He will see the carcass
Not the soul

I want more for him
Than that
Than wide eyes
Drooling mouths
Empty ears
And ignoring his grandmother
When she tells him goodnight

I want more for him.

I have this overwhelming desire to call someone and talk to them until I have no more lies. And then maybe someone will understand what is going on inside my head.

Even if you have loose skin
On your lips
Or they're slightly chapped,
I'd still hold my lips on yours
And feel your breath
Go in and throughout me,
Because for that moment
Nothing would be between
You
And me
And we'd be connected
In any way we want
And maybe
I could know what it feels like
To be so beautiful
In every possible
Way.

         - J. J.