... he and she are thinking…a life together, still much in love, as always,
but a thought or two, once in a while…


He
Once, she was a frog
and I kissed her
and yeah, she’s beautiful
But hell, I thought she’d come with
castle and lands and fields
I thought that was the deal
but she just told me I’ve got to get real -
they’d done away with kings and queens;
a few were beheaded, and most de-constitutionalized -  
haven’t I heard? *“Have you been living in a well?” she asked.
OK, fine, she comes with all beauty
and love and care and all that – yeah sure,
but a million in US bonds and a billion
in the NYSE indexed on emerging markets
would have been comfy




She
OK - this guy is the best, the greatest, cool
he’s steady, reliable, good and loving and all that -
but oh, how do I get him to wash the dishes?
There are never-ending things and chores to be done -
like tidy the bed in the mornings, vacuum once a week
there’s dust under the table
And you know, such stuff that princesses
don’t lift a delicate finger about -
will he just work on sight of a list,
and get it all done?
And how long can I have him wed and awed
about this Princess thing?
Oh, yes – and I forgot one more crucial thing
that he must always have the bowl lid down after he pees
Is it too late now – should I have included it in the pre-nuptial?

A vicious dog came prowling in to bite and terrorise
feasting on the beautiful, creative and the wise
Chewing their creations and their principles to dust
Leaving all their brilliance to crumble, fade and rust
A snarling, grinding horror issued from its ****** jaws
the sound rolled all around me like a wave of black applause
I gathered my defences and prepared to go down well
My work would be my armour to defeat this hound of hell
My courage at the sticking point, my words in serried ranks
my songs and poems all arranged like waiting Sherman tanks
As those who had inspired me were cast down in their prime
I knew the beast was coming, it was nearly closing time
But just as I prepared myself to triumph or to die
The wretched creature shook itself and passed me right on by
It glanced just once behind it with a look that seemed to say,
"You poor, deluded fool - I didn't want you anyway!"

that’s that area
the right distance
from the host star
where life is possible
and water will not disappear
or be locked in
and there’s a planet
and it’s just right for life


Goldilocks wandered
into the cottage
and she found
the first bowl too hot
another too cold
and - *yum! – one just right

Goldilocks wandered
into the living room
and she found
the first chair too big
another still a little not right
and -  oh so comfy! – one just right

Goldilocks wandered
into the rooms
and she found
the first bed too hard
another too worn out
and - zzzzzz! – one just right


*Ah, lovely Goldilocks
Itinerant Goldilocks -
see we’ve sent you now
on inter-stellar voyages
and you’re now in the just right zones
You’ve gone places, Goldilocks;
You’ve gone the distance -
the little girl who’s made it to the stars

Robots know when to behave
1
Robot walks into the pub
and the arrogant human waiter says:
“Hey, we don’t serve robots”

But the robot smiles, and says:
“Sure – but you will, eventually”



Robots know when to be naughty*
2
Robot each finds a seat
and the program sends up the heat
and the drama unfolds

She Robot:
Hello baby, you wanna touch my mouse,
don’t you? Sure, your lips say 0
but your titanium-bolt eyes say 1


He Robot:
Oh yeah, you sure get my drive hard
especially when you flash your software
O Baby, nice bolts - you wanna *****?
Look, I touch your mouse, you touch my joystick

She Robot:
Look, you show me your source code
and I show you mine…oh, wow –
are those for real?
Or you got upgraded at Silicone Valley?


HeRobot:
Enough of chat, babe –
where can I crash on you tonight?
my docking station, or yours?

with all these advances
in neuroscience
it’s time you numbskulls
learn a little about your brains

1
First up, you must know
your brain’s made of the
right hemisphere and the left hemisphere -
and what do they say to each other
when they can’t agree with each other?
“Let’s split.”

2
You know the neurons
(no, not morons – neurons, you *****) –
now, why do they love emails?
Cos they love sending and receiving
lots of messages, these neurons do

3
Now, you 100bn-deficit no-brainers -
do you know what
your brain does
when it sees a friend across the street?
Yes, it sends a brainwave…

And when does your brain get afraid?
Yep, when it loses its nerve…

And be alert - never give your brain a bath
cos you don’t want to be brainwashed, do ya?

4
You get fired, baby,
you don’t work any more;
but your neurons -
they get working when fired

5
And for more advances in neuroscience
you might want to consult your nearest
neurosturgeon*…


with all these advances
in neuroscience
it’s time you numbskulls
learn a little about your brains -
while I get back to slicing these donors' brains fine;
or making them into soup -
just part of the trade, you know, of neuroscience

(1)
There’s one thing I must get off my chest
that’s bothered me now
even 50 years on
with the passage of time –
my English teacher then
she always told me when I grumbled
homework was too difficult,
she’d tell me: “That’s a piece of cake”
And I’d go home discombobulated how
anyone could eat paper
or homework
and she said this not once, but every time:
“It’s a piece of cake”


(2)
And my parents and I looked at it
every which way and from every point of view
and concluded in our Perfect Ancient Native language:
“This English teacher is a loony. She is wooly-headed.
She is the lamb Mary lost, silly and muddle-headed.
How can homework be a piece of cake?
Anyway, we don’t eat cake – we eat samosas.”

(3)
And yet the English teacher would put her nose
up in the air
and remonstrate: “It’s a piece of cake!”

Oh yeah, would you like tea with it?

Now, my parents, bless their Ancient Souls,
have gone on into the next world
And I’m left wondering about the secret madness
of that English teacher
who’d ask me to eat cake when I expressed genuine concern…

Well, my parents have passed on, as I said,
and I’ve moved on
as is plain and radiant to see
to master idioms and vocabulary
Punctuation, the catenative verb and Usage;
and, as for that wooly-headed English teacher,
I’m sure she’s moved on into
a comfortable nuthouse
where the staff makes her eat her cake,
and make her think she can have it too -
cos that’s what they do to nuts, and such instances

(4)
And now that I have got that off my chest,
I can comfortably resume memorizing
Volume 3 of theOxford Dictionary
as  I perambulate
and copy 100 entries from Fowler’s “Modern English Usage”
as I victulate
which is all part of my nightly ritual
since she told me to do so some 50 years ago
(cos I happened to look at her Union Jack knickers
when she sat high on the table, and I stood up *****
cos that's what they made us do in the cinemas)
- and that helps to put me into a state of dormancy, to hibernate
till the sun ushers in a new day for me  –
and a new cake for that wooly-headed English teacher,
she, I can presume with certainty,
elegantly reposed and superannuated


Now, I’m glad I’ve got this off my chest
and mastered my idioms and phrases
and I can go eat my samosas

nights are fun
such fun -
it’s clear to see

1)
ask Jim
who stayed awake
all night
pondering over
what had happened to the sun
and in the morning, it finally dawned on him

meanwhile his pa
was outside driving
and he drove into the lake
cos he wanted to *dip his headlights

Jim’s mother, on the other hand,
slept on the edge of the bed
cos her doctor told her
(cos she complained
she could not sleep)
to lie on the edge of the bed
and soon she’ll drop off!

and the sister, Susie,
she stayed awake
eight days without sleep
and yet she remained alert and fresh–
and you wanna know how she did that?
Oh, easy - she slept at nights.


nights are fun
such fun -
it’s clear to see




2
see even nature’s creatures
in Jim’s backyard
even they had fun

the wolves had a party all night –
and all **** sapiens in the area agreed
it must have been a howling success

and the glow-worm
it bumped into a tree
and you can bet your own *** –
the glow-worm was de-lighted!


*nights are fun
such fun
it’s clear to see

all's hush and quiet
in the bathroom
and things start
to talk to one another

drip, drip, says the tap
brr, brr, says the window
hum, hum, says the pipe
tchk, tchk, says the shower


I've got the worst job round here,
whines the eloquent toothbrush

Oh, yeah? comes the reply
from the unassuming toilet roll