Desire rises up like a tidal wave.
Yearning to reach out to another.
The strong flow washing over me,
And within me.

Pushing out, reaching...
The object of my desire is barely known
Surely you can't warrant such an intense reaction,
So soon, so incomplete.

But it flows, I can't hold it back.
I flow.
Wanting more I drift where the current leads.
Giving into desire, but unable to fulfill it.

Such a waste
All this beautiful passion
All the thrilling things that could be done.
Oh what I would do with this desire.

Every drop wasted
Every morsel untasted
Every ****** act, a ghost to lay to rest
With an inadequate eulogy played by my fingers.

Yes.

*** is a divine act.
Done right, it is beautiful and wondrous.

The intimacy between two people.
Knowing each other so fully.

Exploring every detail of each others bodies.
Enjoying each others  bodies.

Giving yourself completely to each other.
Receiving and giving pure pleasure.

Whether it's long and slow
With plenty of foreplay.

Or an intense ******
Full of fun and excitement.

*** is sensual
Beautiful
Fun
Intense.

*** makes me happy
(It's scientific - endorphins)

Human contact is beautiful.
Skin on skin.

Touch... Kiss... Stroke... Lick
Wrapped around each other.
One inside the other.

And the ******
The only thing powerful enough to stop the divine act of ***.

I get the message
Silence
Loud and clear.

I did wonder why
You didn't just tell me outright.
Like I did in the fleeting moment
When I tried to breakup with you.

But I realised
You don't want to breakup.
You still want me available for ***.

It's all we ever promised each other.
It's me who changed
Not you.

I have come to this realisation before.
I seem a little less sad this time.
Perhaps I won't delude myself again.

But I know when you want me
I will come to you
(Just for ***).

And when you hold me
That is when I become weak
That is when I believe in you
In us...
In my feelings for you.

Oh to have a hand to hold
More than a cold stone wall
With a computer heart.

To feel a human touch
More than an illicit moment
Every once in a while.
And then back home
Connected and disconnected.

Looking up from the computer
For a split second to blow a kiss
Just makes me sadder.

Barely a foot away
And we don't touch.

He loves me all he knows how to
And I feel so alone.
I have so much more to give
Than he is interested in,
And need so much more.

So there we have it
A conundrum with no fixing

Just more breaking.

I am not a poet.
I have read many poems.
Beautiful, touching,
Clever and meaningful.

I don't use lovely analogies
Or powerful descriptors.
I write lists.
Clear, concise ideas.

I don't leave space
For the reader's interpretations.
No open wandering paths
For them to meander along.

Everything is clearly defined.
With passages precisely laid out
To direst the reader to
EXACTLY what is being said.

Sometimes when a poem wafts into my head
It is more poetic.
But then as I put pent to paper
Only the skeleton remains.

Even this poem
Had a better feel in my head.
Yet another thing to feel
Inadequate about.

I am not trying to wallow
In self-pity (yet again).
I am just not a poet.
I would like to know what I am.

This is all I've got,
Broken and true.
This is all I've got,
A heart broken in two.

A broken heart
Broken Mind
Broken words
On the line.

Will you take all I have
Broken pieces for you.
Will you take all I am
Broken and bruised.

Would you want me and love me
Knowing the mess that's within?
Would you kiss the broken tears
And help me love again.

This is all I've got,
Clumsy words that clang.
No soft Analogies
Just my crash bang.

This is all I've got
You get what you see.
Not pretty veneer,
'Everything's sweet here'.

A broken spirit crying out
Left dying on the floor
Trying hard to be strong
The weak men abhor.

Waiting for the escape of death
But the broken heart beats on
Aching with every pulse
Bleeding love onto the floor.

Would you guide me when I need you?
Would you let me lead when I can't go where you need?
Could I trust you when I'm blind?
Would you trust me with your heart?

Take me and lead me.
Take me and thrill me.
Take my body and I will give myself to you.
Take my mind and sweep me away.

If you can, take my heart.
If I dare, take my heart.
There I go again, willing for love.
How do I truly give up on that?

Will you hold me,
And make me believe I'm safe?
Will you believe in me
As much as you make me believe in you?

I want to feel safe
And feel love.
I want to be able to
Give someone all my love.

Why is it so hard to cry?
I need to cry.
I feel like crying,
But nothing happens.

Lying here curled up in my bed.
Thoughts run through my head
Distracting from my feelings while enhancing them.
Eventually a tear rolls down my nose.

One lonely sad tear.
Just like me.
A bit pathetic really.
Just like me.

I thought I wanted someone to hold me.
Turns out I wanted someone to hold me and tell me they love me.

I thought I wanted wild, unattached ***.
Turns out I wanted wild *** with him completely attached to me.

I thought I wanted a large house.
Turns out I wanted somewhere to belong.

I thought I knew what I wanted.
Turns out I wanted what I knew.

I am lost chasing what I can't have
The love of another
(The love of my own).
A great fortune
(Hope of fame now long gone).

Lost in the swirling cascade of emotions.
Lost in love, lust, attachment
(One, some, all?)
Lost in loneliness, sadness, worry.
The fog of emotions building on each other.

Feeling lost I hold tight to an anchor.
It drags me down.
Drown, or flounder lost and confused?
If I let go what do I have?

Holding on to a man I don't have
Holding on to an emotion that's not real
Holding on to a relationship that's
Stable, 'loving', and unfulfilling.

Lost in love,
I'm all alone and drowning.
As I breath in the warm, liquid form.
It's warmth soothes, as my lungs burn for air.

As I replace unrequited love
For air as my life force
My heart ache for what it's not getting.
Lack of love, lack of oxygen.

Not nourishment fills me.
So I live on my love within me which I can't share.
I feed on myself fulfilling my own need,
Aching and loving as one.

I have been kicked in the guts so many times.
Not always intentionally.
They probably don't even know.
But it happened none-the-less.

Some might say I should have learned by now.
But 'learned' suggests intellect.
I have the knowledge,
I can see what's coming, but I don't avoid it.

Each time I think I have been battered enough
To not have anything left to be able to go there again.
So now I know no matter how tired and battered I am
I have all this to look forward to again.

It might be someone new,
It might be someone I thought I meant something to,
Reminding me, in someway,
How they didn't really.

I can't numb my heart,
Definitely not long term.
I can't stop wanting, loving (or thinking I do)
I can't stop the intensity of my emotions.

I even want to feel, as much as I dread it.
I love the passion, being alive.
Maybe even the fear of what's to come.
Something like Barbra Streisand's 'Being Alive'.

If only I could feel that
And have someone feel it about me.
The emotions aren't the problem
Being in it alone is.

But that's the way it is,
Always.
Just fifty or so more years
Of this to look forward to.

Men don't love me, I know that now
I can make them want me,
But not truly desire me.  No matter what they say.
And they definitely don't love me.
They don't need me.

I don't really mean anything to any of them.
I play my role as a *** toy (not *** Goddess)
And it eases those needs.
That'll do.

All I have left are the voices of my lovers inside my head
Saying all those things the lovers never said.
Their comfort destroys my soul.
Their joy makes me cry.

Those voices bring me pain.
But I go back to them again and again,
To hear those beautiful, hurtful words.
'I love you', 'You are everything',
'It's okay, I've got you'.

To the ones who have a brain
And know how to use it.
But when a passion kicks in
They seem to lose it.

To those who are smarter than that.
Those of us who know better,
But don't do better.
Blinded by passion.

Those of us whose brains keep tapping us on the shoulder
As we wildly run after our hearts.
Knowing the heartache we're running towards
And powerless to stop it.

Here's to the ones who can converse about
The origins of the universe, time theory, and physics.
Who can't string two words together
When all they can think about is touching who they are talking to.

"Oh... the power and the passion"
Oh the power in the passion.
The power to sweep you away regardless.
The power to take over the body and mind.

"Where the heart leads, the mind will follow"
Perhaps begging the heart to rethink
(Oh foolish mind).
Where the heart leads, I will follow.
Oh foolish, intelligent, me.

After waiting so long to hear from you
You tell me you want to 'get together'.
I say yes, where, and when.
I always come running to you.

And when I'm with you, it's all I want.
In your arms nothing else matters.
As you touch my body I let go of wanting you to love me.
This moment is all there is.

As I feel your breath on my skin hot with desire,
I am happy.
As I feel you inside me and your body pressed against mine,
This moment is all I want.

Even when you accidentally lean on my hair, many times
I don't say anything.
You are with me, giving yourself to me.
I will grit my teeth and bear the pain with the ecstasy.

As you look at me you hold my gaze.
Not just a fleeting look like other lovers.
You look at me like I'm real, like I mean something.
This moment is right.

For a second, as you hold me after the ecstasy
I feel sad that you don't love me.
But I let that pass,
Right now is bliss and this is all I want.

You know what I expect?
I expect to stop wallowing in self-pity.
I expect to stop feeling miserable just because some guy
Doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him

I expect to get over you.
And I expect to stop beating myself up for it.
So what if I fall quickly,
And make myself get over it when I have to.
That Doesn't make me a bad person.
That's just who I am.

I know who I am.
I know what I have been through
And how much I stuck it out in the past.
We aren't a couple, I'm allowed to move on.

It hurts, I expect that's reasonable.
That's 'getting over' not 'being over'.
But sometimes it hurts less.
People still make me smile, and laugh.
I can be happy without you.

I expect I'll make the same mistake again.
I don't want to,
But I don't know how not to.
I expect my expectations will be my downfall,
And for now, my strength.

I wait,
Quietly wait for you.
Until you're ready to be with me,
When I can be with you.

And the silence in between is deafening.
Only hearing from you when I contact you.
No email to say 'how are you?'
Until it's close to time to get together.

Yet I still believe you care for me.
I know you don't love me,
I don't expect you to and you never claimed to.
It's not your fault how I feel about you.

I try not to be needy,
It makes me second guess everything I do.
I no longer react naturally to you.
It's sad because you do make me feel so at ease.

I would be your goddess
To draw you in, captivate you.
Worship me.
You are my *** god.
I adore you completely.

The sacrifice of your ****** pleases me.
I reward your worship by giving myself to you
As I take you.

I give so much more than you will ever know
I give it gladly, freely.
Your goddess isn't just the goddess of ***.
I am also the goddess of Love.

We won't mention that.
You can't take  my love,
You can take my body.
I know you can't love me,
But you give me your body.

I find bliss in the intimacy you come to me with.
I feed on your desire for me
And revel in your lust.
Your essence is beautiful

Arrrghhhh!!!

Sorry just had to get that out.
I have three partial poems,
What the heck am I supposed to do with three partial poems?!?!

Run to me my darling.
Ache for me, need me.
Run to me my sweet man
Let me be your desire.

Throw off the burdens of the way things are.
Forget about the 'shoulds' and 'mustn'ts'.
All that matters is you and I together,
Right here breathing each other.

Feeling you I know we are meant to be together,
You must feel it too.
When we are apart the doubts creep in,
Confusion begins.

With you there is clarity of pure emotion.
My needs and desires mingle with yours
And I know where we are.
Your presence clears my mind.

I will run to you my lover.
I will choose to believe you run to me.
Spill your desires into me as I spill mine into you
And we won't know which is which as they mix.

You're so quiet, withheld.
So distant from me.
Such is the nature
Of our relationship.

How then is it that I feel so much
From you, for you.
Is it just me filling that void
With my own desires?

The sweet talking ideal lover projected onto you?
Yes there is some of that.
But despite your distance
There's no mistaking your passion.

And you only withhold your emotions about me
(Or don't have them, I'm not sure).
In other things you're so open.
I love that about you, and I love who you are.

So yes you are distant
But oh so close and intimate.
You can't give yourself to me,
But I give all I can of myself to you.

Mistakes were made.
Getting involved with you was a mistake,
Falling for you was a mistake.
Choosing not to see you again because it's wrong was a mistake,
And starting to see you again is a mistake.

Ahh sweet mistakes.
The imperfections that make life so beautiful.
I will gladly make mistakes with you.
My intellect shouts 'this can only end badly'
I don't care.
Each moment with you is beautiful,
I choose to experience every one to the full.

Tomorrow can look after itself.
Today, my sweet mistake, I am yours.

I have feelings but no words.
I want you
I ache

Yes I know where I stand
I have always known.
You love her, I am just a bit of fun.

And I love him,
You're supposed to be just some fun.
But **** you're lovely,
And **** you're interesting.

**** you're intimate,
Beautifully intimate.
You look, and touch, with meaning
And I want you.

I will try not to love you,
Or try not to say it.
How do you keep your distance
And be so intimate?

You arouse such intense feelings in me
I stopped seeing you so I won't love you.
Maybe it's too late.
But I still want you.

I want to just put it down to desire,
Pretend I never felt anything more
And be with you again.
I want you to look at me, touch me, make me feel.

I want you.

And the tears flow.
It must be strong, Spider Solitaire couldn't hold them back.
The danger of an unfocussed mind,
Left to wander where it will.

It will always wander to you,
As where my heart leads, my mind will follow.
My heart aches for you.
The most wrong thing in my life was the most right.

Being with you was like coming home.
Not the horrible cliched version I always cringed at,
That felt like a small town, restrictive,
'There's no place like home' Dorothy concept.

You was my home,
Real, right, the place I belonged,
Safe... oh how wrong I was... safe.
So that's proof I suppose,
It was all in my head.

I always knew that, none of it was real.
It wasn't reality, no dealing with budgets,
Or weaknesses, disagreements, nothing real, just the fun.
Yet I really felt it, and I really feel it.

It was right, you was like coming home,
I was safe,
You stopped, everything, and I still can't hate you.
You are beautiful.
Good life my love x

My lover is silent.
But oh those sweet sentences that fill my mind.
The words he never spoke,
That fill his mouth from inside me.

My lover is no longer.
He touched me and left me,
As lovers do.
And now all I have are the strings I pull
On the lover in my mind.

Hello Lover, I remember you.
I remember every part of you.
I hold you, you won't get away that easy.
You are mine now.

You can control your silence.
You can't silence my mind.
I can't silence my mind,
It's my solace and my torment.

Goodnight Lover,
I will see you again in the morning,
Whether I want to or not.
Whether you want me to or not.

There you are.

You haunt my mind,
How could you leave and stay here like that?
How DARE you leave and stay here?
Every memory is bitter sweet.

You always made me smile,
Still do.  And it makes me sad,
Missing you.
You haunt my mind, and my heart.

Every day on the bus to work
I pass the bike shop you was going to take me to.
We barely found time to be together,
You never took me anywhere for more than a quick drink.

You was never really going to take me to that shop,
Even though I know you intended to.
But everytime I see it I think of you and smile...
For a moment.  I will go there one day,
And be with you, in my heart, and mind.

I haven't let you go,
But you never said you was leaving.
You haven't left me yet, I just haven't heard from you.
You left me alone, with you.

I read your emails, I read your texts.
I see your smile, your eyes.
I feel your body.  The most real memories I have.
They are echoes,
I guess echoes fade.

But right now you haunt my mind, heart, and soul.

I know we weren't real, but I was real with you.
We had mere weeks of moments snatched,
Noone can love based on that.
It wasn't real life.
But I was real with you.

Too real...
You liked that I was so open with you.
One day I opened up,
You left, not a word, the end.
Maybe there's a reason people aren't that open.

I knew when I wrote it, it was a mistake,
But I had more faith in you.
I hoped for more, knowing I wouldn't get it,
But we could have gone on.

It was just the honest truth,
nothing was different after saying it than before.
Nothing but you,
Suddenly you're gone.

I have always been, and always will be
Real with you.
I miss you
x

You never knew what being with you meant.
Those few weeks of reality,
Having spent my life shomehow out of sync.

I am the invisible girl.
Not quite here, not quite real.
It was like those old fashioned 3-d pictures,
When you put the glasses on the two lines become one.

Being with you felt like my life was real.
Universes aligned, the world sat right within it,
And I was the most 'me' I have ever been.

Even the first day we met,
I was awkward and shy.
But it was truly me awkward and shy,
Not some disjointed, disfunctional, semi-real
version of me.

Now... nothing.
Quiet, dead, nothing.
Nothing.