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k Jan 2018
Everything just feels weirdly terrible and I don’t want anyone to come near me anymore I don’t feel like I can trust anyone it’s just so difficult right now because I’m so hurt. I’m so ******* hurt but I know there’s nothing I can do about it and there’s nobody that is sorry so why should I be sad about it. But I feel like I have so much hope in my heart that I know the right people to trust but what if that’s wrong too I was so wrong in the past. I was so so wrong. I don’t know when I’m going to stop feeling like a fool. When I’m going to stop feeling like a pit stop, like a holiday house by the seaside in the middle of winter like a bouquet of wilted flowers brown and beautiful and dead on your kitchen counter like too much of nothing at all. I give absolutely nothing away. I’m terrified you’ll pity how soft I am although I know I’m the toughest bag of heartbreak you will ever encounter let me tell you I know I talk like an ******* I just don’t want you to love me cause that’s just one more person to disappoint and disappointment has been the only taste in my mouth lately like my heart is slowly burning and smoking out through my throat and when I say I’m tired I really just mean that I’m tired of people and when I smoke my cigarettes and drink my coffee and look at the sky I’m really just looking at myself and right now pain has left and love has left and now all that’s left is hope and well I guess that’s not the worst I’ve been. It’s like when you have nothing the possibility is anything to everything so let’s say you do love the beach when it’s raining and you make a home out of me let’s say I don’t set my heart on fire for you but draw a circle of flames around us would you stay burning with me till love suffocates us both till we can’t remember a time without passion. Let’s say you stay and prove disappointment wrong and let’s say hope wins this time around.
k Nov 2017
we said we didn't care,
laughed at our losses to soften the sting of unrequited love
and then swore we weren't insane
(i don't know if the reason i can't breathe
is the cigarettes or the heartache)
lately everyone feels as empty as their absence
-and i am grateful for the friends and the flowers
i just don't know why the good things can't be enough for me
k Nov 2017
(111) I like your character more than I like you
(112) You are too kind hearted to be this selfish
(113) in the movie about us you care a lot more
(114) I'm not as mean as I pretend to be
(115) your head is so far up in the clouds nothing can ever reach you
(116) you made me feel like I was up there with you
(117) I think I love things that are bad for me
(118) you have an obsession with controlling your emotions
(119) my favorite pass-time is setting myself on fire
(120) my name sounds at home in your mouth
(121) I'm certain there's a universe that only exists when we're together
(122) I love how much you hurt me
(123) I'm relieved when you make me hate you.
(124) my greatest fear is that I love you
(125) I am concerned you don't know what love is
(126) there's a chance you could still be a figment of my imagination
(127) this surface level **** is too vapid for ***** sakes
(128) I often imagine reaching into your chest to find what went wrong with your heart
(129) you notice everything and say very little.
(130) I burn for the both of us
(131) you hurt me over again carefully and with love
(132) we are my most elaborate display of self-harm.
k Nov 2017
How does one love an unloved thing? How does one love when you are an unloved thing. Maybe I am unlovable - is the conclusion I've come to. Which is why I spent an entire summer practicing the act of unloving someone. I learnt how to erase memories so well that I swore myself a completely different person back then. I taught myself how to turn every gentle touch of your fingers in my fingers, your lips on my neck, your head in my chest -into scars. Let me tell you, knives and fists aren't the only things that cut and bruise. I swear your mouth was a gun because with every kiss you gave me my heart took a bullet and I swore your eyes were the sun when I looked into them and couldn't see clearly for 8 months. I reminded myself for 364 days to forget you and by day 366 I'd forgotten our anniversary. I rewrote all the poems about you in the sand at sunrise. I didn't move till the tide came in 12 hours later and washed it all away. I followed them into the sea and swam and swam and swam. I didn't stop till I couldn't see the shore and the salt water burned my cheeks and I just keep waking up in tears thinking I'm drowning and I guess you could say I am.
k Nov 2017
As much as it might feel like it sometimes, your life is not a romantic film and I know you get really caught up in your imagination and sometimes you really believe that he's just like a character in a John Green novel and this is your story of how you fall in love. But movies end and every book has a final page. But we keep going and we keep living and the thing about stories is that they only tell about the the in-betweens of you and I. The moments in rose filters with The 1975 playing in the background. You and I, we have a music-video love that cannot exist in the quietness of 7am or the mundaneness of lunch on a Tuesday. When I think of you, I only see lights and dancing and I only hear music and laughter. I don't know much about your mind or your family or how you sleep in your bed at night. But I know exactly when you're lying cause you can't help smiling and I know how you dance when you're tipsy and how you fall when you're a little too drunk. I know you try to never be sad and you've become so good at it you've even tricked yourself into believing you're emotionless. We are identical shards of the same broken heart. We exist in our story together, and live completely separate other lives. We keep following the White Rabbit down the hole and leaving the world behind. Leaving our worlds behind. They tell me you're running fast and they warn me that chasing only leads to falling and breaking. But I've been playing cat and mouse with my heart for months on end and I'm in just as a hurry as you are.
k Nov 2017
If home is where the heart is then so help me god, I’m going to need a map and a fast car cause I think my heart fell out my chest at a gas station at midnight
or in my hometown park,
possibly above the clocktower on New Years eve and almost certainly one of the countless nights when I danced with fairies and ghosts.
I promise the music will be incredible
and i won't stop driving unless I'm beside the ocean.
I won't start crying unless the sun is rising.

the waves and the sky break every day with no apologies or shame.
I will finally realize why broken hearts are the most beautiful of them all.

- I'm going home
k Nov 2017
and I’m tired. I just want to go home.

-no, not to my parents that’s not home anymore and no not to my apartment building that isn’t home either. Too many things were taken from me there. Too many fragile moments just kept slipping through my fingers and smashing to the ground into a million little fragile pieces. And I’ve cleaned up an entire bedroom floor full of broken heart bits. Blood and all. I wiped the walls clean and scrubbed the sheets till the scent of detergent suffocated me. So every moment dropped to the floor was swept up and sent to the landfill. Hurt is not welcome to the party anymore. But it’s so difficult to say no when she’s best friends with all the other guests and you, you loved her so much you brought her with you in your pocket along with your drinks and your lies and I know I would’ve never said no to you. I would’ve never said no to you even though you kept telling me to.

I woke up alone the next morning to a room beautifully painted the most exquisite shade of heartbreak. So carefully and meticulously done that I didn’t notice it at first.

But I didn’t go to bed alone that night. Hurt wrapped her icy arms around me, right where you left her.
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