I don’t know when I taught myself that a man’s skin on your skin can only mean love or danger.
I’ve only recently learnt that danger looks a lot like love and
you knew just how to whisper dangerous words in my ear
and my brittle heart knew just how to turn them into love songs
I won’t lie and say I loved you.
I might have loved the you I made up in my dreams and I most definitely loved how much you didn’t love me at all.
You didn’t do anything spectacular and we didn’t talk about anything other than trivial matters so I guess that left room for my imagination to make a bed for you. And a future for us.

You were background music at the dinner table of my life and I only turned up the volume when I was full and drunk. I don’t remember any of the lyrics to your songs I just know I didn’t stop dancing we didn’t stop dancing. I don’t remember any promises made and all moments shared with you was never soft nor tender. You were the longest car ride with no destination in mind. Speed limits don’t exist for you, I don’t think I do either. We’re going so fast but we’re not going anywhere the music is too loud I can’t hear myself think and you don’t look at me unless you’ve had a drink and we’re always so ******* drunk

Your heart isn't broken anymore. But your head hasn't forgotten the day you cried an ocean and flooded the entire street.
Your heart is strong again. But your head still replays memories of the summer you spent seven days straight in bed too sad to move.
Heart doesn't sink to your shoes anymore when you see him.
But Head keeps remembering how long she stayed there and how he begged her to beat again when you swallowed too many sleeping pills.
Heart is an addict fresh out of rehab and Head keeps locking your emotions up just like your mother used to do with the liquor cabinet.

Head says: Remember how you drank a that entire bitter bottle of wine as though it was water? Remember how you blacked out every night just to get away from me? Let me remind you of the day you kissed every single boy at the party and still went home crying into his voicemail.

Heart says: I want to feel warm again, it's been so cold and so dark for so long. I want forehead kisses and coffee kisses and salty kisses and sunset kisses. I want skin on skin with no kisses at all. I want honey words whispered over the phone at midnight so sweet my tooth aches.

Head says: I think I've got to go. I think you're losing me. I think I've forgotten to remember.

Heart says: don't forget I love you

he moves in fast forward and
talks in rewind and I like the way
he always seems to be on his way somewhere better then the place he left you
he knows exactly what he's doing although when he speaks it might as well be another language

he will always be wild,
you can see it in his eyes if you catch contact before he buries his head in his lap,
and sometimes your chest -
in these moments he's as tame as a newborn puppy,
fragile as the glass cups
he throws to the ground,
laughing.

he will do the same with your heart

wild things can be loved,
but they can never stay.

I didn't mean
To make promises for you
To me about us
I didn't mean to notice the fire burning in your eyes and turn your heart into a rescue mission
I didn't mean to turn your love into a game that I couldn't bear to lose
And all you do is chase and refuse
Only solution you have is a drink
I'm starting to think you're not real
I'm starting to think I've forgotten how to feel
You give me the largest sum of nothing
I think it's all you have
I gave the ghost of you the little I have left.
With admiration in your eyes and holding both of my hands you said,
'I feel nothing for you'
But I didn't hear what you said I just noticed how your voice dripped with longing and your fingers melted into mine.
They always told me actions speak louder than words, so I went with what I felt.

But I woke up alone the next morning hating you. Too drunk to remember how we got home and how you left.
I woke up alone the next morning hating you
Not knowing why.

Nobody except you will know what you did that night.
Nobody but me will bear the consequence.

Find me at 10 in the morning, coffee and cigarette in my hand
Find me in the middle of a street filled with people
Find me on a bridge at sunset
Or the beach at sunrise
Find me at a park in summer
Or the corner bookstore in winter
Find me when I'm sitting alone at a restaurant or surrounded by friends on a night out
Find me when I'm brushing my teeth or wrapped in bed sheets, drifting to sleep,
Looking for you in my dreams

(That's the only place you don't lose me)

Find me
Cause I've been looking for you
Find me
Cause I can't find you

I was so empty and hungry for love;
that I scoffed it all down in one bite.
Then I was so full I threw everything up in your lap
& I haven't been able to stomach it ever since

Love is the only drug you can't buy;
yet the most lethal
& once you've had a taste you'll never be quite the same as before.
a burning itch you cannot scratch,

You'll either live with the discomfort
Or you'll tear your flesh apart till you don't feel a single thing.

Maybes don't cut it anymore with this heart of mine,
It is either love or leave.

But, if you feel you might want to stay -
touch me everywhere but
my heart
& don't call me if you just want to talk.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends