the pages are blank bulk and empty.
my mind.
forced with the temptation to reminsce
on the joys and smiles that we shared
made with the memories
ill treasure for ever
in the dreams ill dream upon slumber.

you are stilll apart of me every single day
and behind the miles apart and the struggles and tests we haved faced together; a friendship built upon trust and chance ruined; forever my greatest regret.

the pages are blank bulk and empty.
my mind.
forced with the temptation to reminsce
on the joys and smiles that we shared
made with the memories
ill treasure for ever
in the dreams ill dream upon slumber.

you are stilll apart of me every single day
and behind the miles apart and the struggles and tests we haved faced together; a friendship built upon trust and chance ruined; forever my greatest regret.

If it is just a statistic-
Than why can't we fix it?

Terrifying.
Yet Undenying-

So many try it
I can't fight it?

you cant defeat me
you wont
Ill cooperate
Ill act scattered
Ill be unfocused
Ill be motivated to motivate this terrible distraction in my mind
The answer is simple
College and AdHd dont mix
they collide
my brain is a dj playing dubstep
24 hours a day
non stop full volume
crank it up
because there is no stoping.

I was against it
Never once would I tolerate it
Convinced Id figure out anything but the truth
I was right.
It ruined you and I
A relationship thrown away
ripped apart
nothing could ever come
from a person I could never trust

time has passed
Here we are again
standing hand in hand
looking at what we had
Observing myself from an outsiders perspective
The roles have reversed
I am the Liar
Your the saint.

the scale derails
im walking on egg shells
it might as well be nails

I am so distant from you all
Im alone in the halls
I cant be a normal girl.

So carefree-
gossip, makeup and the malls.
Thats not me

alone.
I was.
I am.

But Not Forever.

an apology,
a peace offering, a christmas card
a "I'm sorry, I did what I needed to do at that particular time in my drastically changing life"
is all I wish you could understand,
have all been mental potential peace offerings...
but now, COME to think about it,
I was never her,
I was "something" that resembled her.
I was the TEMPORARY words to your poem,
and she was your poem.

what would you say is the truth?
between me and you
my heart only beats for you

No other person on this planet
makes me feel the way
you make me feel.

I love the way we connect
I can spend the rest of my life with you
everyday of every second
we dont need plans
all i need is you.

You are seriously my other half
Lets jump to the future
Fast forward a few years

Lets' Beat all odds
prove them wrong
By being So in love
It's Stronger than strong

I dream only of you
All I need is you
Your my world

As a matter of Fact
And now you know it.

its an obsession,
with you every day
and all i still want is you;
no one gets it but my heart
i feel it beat to you,
your my boyfriend,
my best friend,
maybe it is fast
i wont slow down,
this is different,
for once this is real.
i think i love you; yes i love you-
just you, though.
i dont need anything else
no one else will do,
i wont have anyone else,
all i need and all i want
is you

ill get it ill get there
they already have it
debt free
worry free
a walk in the park a mere fun experience
i am stressed and broke
working harder than ever to make money
forget what others have
i am my own support system
hate and jealousy are drugs of the demon
faith and a dream hope and the future
its all i have
its all i need
ill get where i need to be
ill get what i want.

Is it bedtime ?
or is it just the beginning.
When I am asleep my mind is a movie reel projecting role after role
I feel like my mind is like James Cameron in the production of Titanic.
I dream of the unknown, and the past
I predict the future and contimplate lifes problems best when I am asleep.

I will figure it out, on my own, in my mind
when I crawl under my sheets hit the lights
lay my head down
everynight at bedtime

GOES
hand in hand  
with being bad.
Living a GOOD life
will follow from
living a toxicly
hazardous life.

Synical Sarcasm On Such a Serious Saturday In Simple Sacramento-
See The Signs Of The Sad Sorrow and Sorry
Than Decide - If Its Worth Shame
and The Self Blame Than Play the game
If Not - Take the hit of self saturated fate

Let me Blow your mind
You and I
All we are
Is just that-
All we have is time.
Together,
WE make the most beautiful oras,
So Unique - You and I
A Technique I call Love
You Always Blow my mind.

believe in the belief
trust in the truth
taste in the touch
life is over whelming, sure
but never too much

clouds
they mesmerize me

everything high above
from the seagulls the palm trees
to the highest peaks

the beauty so captivating

its haunting

through out my journey of self exploritary

Fright
fear
not even a tear
here
near
wrong or wright
right?
Forget the past
Just live it as if every days crystal clear
yah, pretend its now
live in the future.
Not even close
**** it Im not like most

I really can imagine-
what it would be like
to live in a home
where there is no love warmth compassion affection
rights equality truth love sympathy freedom believing and dreaming
because the truth is my dear
Its a life ive been blessed with-- from an optomists perspective.
Life.
It wont get the best of me.
Ill learn from there fuckups and toxic wrong doings.
If I should make it to produce offspring of some sort--
I know I will shower them in More love than I have ever felt in 21 years
They will be able to confide, love, dream, speak, be honest, respect and talk to me
face to face.

here i am.
alone and hot
miserable despite the depart
is it me?

it has to be.
have i cursed myself  
beyond the depths of any resolution

why the weather

makes me scared to enjoy

the udder happyness
that potentially is visible

behind these fake frowns

The Intelligence you posess
Is the beauty beyond all that Ive ever known
I am intrigued yet delicatley intimidated
My heart floats
You are the emphasis of everything that is right
for everytime Im lost,
There You are - Holding me comfortable
And ever so tight

you were there thru alll the struggle and grind
a hand to hold when my tears fell
a fight against the world
me all alone
but instead of misery i chose him
i lost a lo t but gained even more
aside from the pounds
and away from the fear
i feel bad for you

It is underwraps,
serious doubts
you dont listen to my dreams,
you dont ever know what I mean
taking a second,
even a minute
evaluating this love that you swear we have,
Perhaps this pushyness of your persistence
is merely just a trap
to kidnap me from my thoughts
and control my train of thinking
like a puppet and his master

you want to tear me down
I always leave without a sound.
Its never me
But you make it me
I can never please you
Just as much as I can
Never stop hating you
Too much poison and confusion,
Its harder and harder
everysingle day

Zen & Men.

Simply, saturday
broke and sore
mind racing like a track meet.

That's ok, my will is good

i am not sorry
for all the pain you have endured
is just a test
a test to make sure
youre ready for whats to come
whatever it is
a mere bump in the road
might seem to some as  a disaster
but remember that the grass may be greenner

how the past is a vast reflection of today
i am a girl
the one y ouloved
the one he loved
and the one the next will love
my heart is too big
I am too shallow
you buried this dungeon
with no plan for tomorow

Pleaase grant me one long eternity of sleep.
Let me fall asleep entranced in a world of dreams and wishes
Swimming in the seas and flying through the skys
Counting the stars and flying kites
Silence so perfect it felt so unreal
Was the pray that I used to repeat nightly.
It was a simple request to an easy way out
I didnt want to quite
but It felt selfish for me
To continue living a life
that I didnt want.
Ive  been chosen
to continue living
for whatever reason
theres a plan
not a misunderstanding
I take everyday for what I can
although its full of alot of uselessness
I cant let myself be like that.

Lets Just pretend that I Am Not there or here
the two of you.
and him.
The Perfect tones.
Hate,
Rejection,
Pure Disapointment -
Rehearsed so perfectly
you discuss the topic:
It is me.
Hanging on to my emotion by holding every ounce of air in my lungs so i can listen more clearly;
You say:
I am Hostile. Cold. Miserable. Self Centered. irresponsible. Disrespectful. Terrible.

THEY mention I was born into the WRONG family.
I am a thief.
I am a Liar.

You agree.
I stumble around, shaking my head frantically.
I KNOW that is not me.
I continue to listen - As If they DO NOT have any idea I am holding my heart as it is dropping.

drop the base
throw me off, confuse me
mislead me
What I feel
Is imperfection
and maturity
wisdom and experience
I find the aging process beautiful

I can not wait to age.
23 is just a few weeks away, a new age is a new chapter.

let it.
make it'
who am i to fake it
all of it is so surreal
you and me.
go together,

like a dimond in the gutter

I cant allow myself
to come to a logical
and reasonable explanation
I never meant to be
this deceitful hurtful disgusting
Person
But I was
I did things that even I cant understand
I pushed you away
I made you hurt for me till you hurt no more
yet for the reasons beyond any
your still in my life
Your still the one I love
and the one I cant deny
I want every second wth you

Your human
your a being
Your simply just plain MEAN
You have produced me
tried to reduce me
to nothing
But I am

I am much better of a person
Because of how much mean Ive Been exposed too
So thank you
Because of You
I can see the better side of people
I can look at "mean" and say to myself
I have seen worse, Far worse

seeking the serenity,
praying the pain away

believing in the future
anticipating the day

where it'll all be fine
kinda like it was all over again

I remember you,
I think of you.
You cared about  me and every thought I ever had,
You helped me make sense of what I was dealing with,
even though neither of us could at that time.
There wont ever be anyone like you in my life I rest assure
I stand tall and reminis on our time together
and feel the haunting of your presense everytime I write.

no advil - my brain is swollen and throbbing so often its uncommon

its dejavu

perhaps even karma

i guess i should take the blame

and apologize -

just so things will be

erased, than put in the past

and a clean slate will emerge

one more time

in this vicious cycle ive commited myself too

left over yeah no worries
bad gas mileage
humid hot air surrounded in the scene
substitute palm trees for farm cattle

every day i dream.
waiting for the day,
telling myself its okay,
one day it will come true.

through all the nights in my life spent apart,
I look above in the darkness that surrounds,
I catch a glimpse and see the gleaming
of a crescent shaped moon;
I mutter under my breath
"there is a t-rex on the moon..."
I shake my head so foolishly...
Only you would understand.
I tilt my head up,
so Im able to gaze more deeply
Looking at the vast sea of stars dancing above me,
I try to count them twinkling as if perfectly
synchronized -
I tremble, breathe heavily, than catch my breath,
Realizing that your always my wish.
Even when it's not eleven - eleven.

delusional
fuzzy in the brain
i think im going insane

tap water is toxic
nothing to drink
i cant float so i might as well sink

right or left
am or pm
i hate being given ultamatums

this is the truth
no wait its a lie
actually as a matter a fact its a big fat lie

im so happy
life is so grand
i hope this illness and insanity **** me 6 feet under the ground

driving on empty, my tank way past e
i fear the sudden stop of my car on the busy street,
Its the academy awards,
I feel so unexciting
I gymed it up, worked out hard
I am eating better and taking care of myself
subway in my tummy
clean and showered comfy in pajamas
i wonder when I will meet that guy
who will like me for me,
just as i am
and loves my boringness
wonders what i am thinking
and loves to play the question game, in an attempt to get to know the real me.
You ask, Ill tell.
where is he?

pace the process
pick the mind
act out; retalliate
sit down soak it up
evaluate

A fret a frown
A cold set of souls
Five. If I wanted to be specific
A prayer a wish
a sink with everything but a clean dish
Your nonsense rules
The hate You all Preject-
So Far from wrong
So hateful beyond anyones worse dreams
Creaky disgust stained wood floors-
Unprotective walls -
Soundproof Is NOt existant
I hear what you all say
So Far from wrong

Broken Hinges
Encouragement so unsuccessful
It Lingers in all the corners -
God. This F A M I L Y
I promise you, IT is anything but That
I Am their Doormat -

So far From Wrong,
Every Second spent in this house
every breathe taken in this house
was a second too long
and is a gasp for air

Even a Bulldoser couldnt fix this .
Nothing In the world could ever
Make this family right.

california
gracious and prestiges
inadvertantly
equally overcrowded
the water the sand
the brisk breeze
i miss you
you squeeze my hand
I want to scream
this is the facts
i want him back
the trees
the unfriendly cold
makes me yern
for your love

i dont feel it
so whats the point
in or out
yah
**** this
there it is
all doubt
once again
here
alone with myself
Ive made it
barely
but worse
No one
nothing
whats the use
Theres no point
I am a lie
within myself.

experience one moment that can create the ver forgetables
begin the memorys that escape the ordinary and outstep the extrodinary
soak it all in
In hopes to never feel it again
make it matter for the morning isnt neccesarily near

Exceptional IS not THE question -
However the QUESTION is Expected.
Unanswered AND Questionable-
Yet Quite.
The World Will Prevail everything but a Cynical Smile -
Assumed to be nothing more than a Warm
Substanial Permanent Luxury

A depth so Deep
A black whole Could sink -
The Tunnel of troubles
A miracoulous devastatingly dysfunctional
trickle of life that will one day - eventually (hopefully)
be the day of all days in my 21 years to date

i want to go home
i hate this i want out
im over it
ive experienced all i needed
all i want
all i need
baby in the dark
you cant see shiny cars
stupid quote
from that stupid song
my life is one big combination
of lyrics
that fit together to make the best
piece of nonsense

From Everything Ive felt

through it all

Its not enough

every ounce of hurt

layered in more hurt

than smothered with hate

this is it

the emotion that hits every level of pain

The end to being relieved of pain

is killing my self slowly

the
presense of a person
is it psychosis,
dealt by the doses?
trembling on the inside
all happy on the outside
a mask never to be revealed
except through a radio wave
funny how the real me
is coming to surface