he wants your lips
on his
he wants your chest
in his hands
he wants your waist
against his.

he wants your skin
on his
he wants your hands
on him
he wants your legs
on his.

he doesnt want you
he doesnt want your intelligence
he doesnt want your laughter
he doesnt want you.

when he said, "this is
my note, after all, thats
what people do, right?
leave a note?" my heart
completely caved
      >     in.    <

when my teacher said
that a lot of people
commit suicide due to
bullying or because they
feel unaccepted,
i raised my hand to
speak up about the
facts.


the true facts.

how more than half of the
homeless teenage population
are gay. they were kicked out
by their mums and dads.

how its not just the
bullying, how its
them too.

they feel so alone and
we always wonder why
there is a new name in
the paper saying,
"Suicide--Age --"
and yet because of
someone being p    u s h  e       d
to                                                      far

it made them take
their own life.

i wish i could stop
suicides,
i wish for once
i could be the one who
closed the door on
death.

but im no rolemodel,
i always let death
back in.

but that doesnt mean i
wont help you take
him out.

Oldest of two
Responsible for none
She was always a daddy's girl
And a morning person
She quit a lot of jobs
Before she turned 20
And when she wasn't planning to marry someone
Exactly like her father
They were ripping each other's heads off
Over nothing

She had strong shoulders
Not as broad as her sister's
She started swimming later
She was always more of a runner
Than anything else
Her parents should have known
Not to let so many hopes
Ride on her

Because life savings didn't translate
Into education
Her nose was always sniffing in the wrong books
Nothing on the booklists
Flouting authority was her favorite thing
So all of daddy's money
Couldn't buy her a degree
And all the lectures
She didn't attend
Couldn't make her see a dream that wasn't hers

Truth be told
She wasn't aiming all that high in the first place
A sturdy library
A cottage in the country
A dog
A tattoo sympathetic
Honest-eyed husband
And then she picked all the wrong ones

With every broken heart
And every finished book
She called home crying
"Dad, I can't do this. I am so lost. I see the destination but not the path."
She'd been drinking again
Frequenting tattoo parlors again
It would be a lie to say he wasn't disappointed
When she could have been
A professor, a musician, an author
Or president by then

"It'll be ok," he said
And when she asked why it couldn't be better than just OK
He asked "have you been taking your meds?"
She hung up

And thought back to a time when the whole world tasted like
Beer and pretzels
Before she even knew what beer was
It was a picture on the wall
A curly-headed
Naked girl
Tiptoe on a stepping stool
Making pancakes with her daddy
So when the sun came up
Breakfast would be ready

i used to wish
for you every
night at 11:11
but now that
i've stayed up
long enough to
even surpass that
time of day i have
realized that in
doing so, I have
wasted over 365
minutes wishing
for you to be
mine.

So many things
And so little time

Things keep piling up
Higher and higher
One after the other

The year flew past
Way too fast
Now I'm grabbing at everything
To maybe slow it down
But no

Activities back to back
Literally
Day to day
There went one week of supposed
Rest
There went one week of supposed
Preparation

With the recaping and recalling
Just noticing:
The modules still aren't
Done
Adding adding adding on

Help is leaving
In one day
Protection is leaving
For two weeks
Still can't get the questions done
I have yet to clear
This pile

Hello test
Howdy music
Four days more
And the race begins
Through and through
My time is short
Yet I have to compete

Then comes
The End
It's too quick.

Everything's
Too quick

Even after
The End
More is still
To come
One after the other

I need more
Time
And then here I am
Scrabbling in the dark
Wanting to melt
And disappear

And all I want
Is a day
Off
To do absolutely
Nothing
Without having to
Worry about
Anything
At all

Just one day

It's been a long day
I whisper and sigh
Every moment full of anxiety
Full of me wanting to cry

I tell people I'm fine
I hand them my lies
Nearly perfected the art
Of my disguise

I'm over wheeled
By normal teen events
But some not so normal
Some are more permanent

Like the scars on the skin
My emotional trauma within
The past we don't talk about
A taboo of sins

It's been canned and pressurized
Packed tightly inside
All the secrets I hold
All the secrets I hide

There is a storm raging
All around my mind
The calm is on the outside
The storm harder to find