Once again clinging to the past like a baby clings to her mother
Walking in a straight line I sometimes forget the world is a circle
If I keep going straight I'll find myself exactly where I first started
And going back after walking so far at this point is not what I want at all
How is it I wander back home when I am trying to run away
Does the world shift my straight lines to secretly turn me around?
I don't want to be put into reverse nor do I want to fast forward
Pausing myself and looking around, I find myself somewhere foreign
Like always I shrug and choose a direction to make straight lines in
Fast forwarding and rewinding all the time and never knowing it
Maybe my changing motions make a three dimensional cycle
My straight lines curve in the 5th dimension that I cannot see
Impossible movements from the unknown are my trickery
But somehow I find myself starting over from scratch again
1d 2d 3d 4d all I need is something to correctly move me
I need to direct my path into the right navigations of motion
So program my straight lines and distort the dimension of curveballs
It's time to pause and figure out where I am and where I'm headed.

A headache from earlier
Puts shame into my brain.
No, I can't control myself
I am completely reckless
But you don't know that.

You do know that I can't do it
Not even after you've done
All and more than you could do
Disappointment hides behind your eyes
And I know you feel that way.

I wish I could just make you proud the way you want me to.

I keep telling myself it's okay
But, in all honesty,
That's a flat out lie.
I can't deny it.

If I'm driving to who knows where
If I'm sobbing my eyes out
If I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
If I'm yelling at myself for ******* so badly
If I'm wishing I was someone better
If I'm hoping no ones home to see me
If I'm thinking about how much of a failure I am
If I'm pretending that I can pull it together
If I'm assuming I can break the news without losing it
If I'm sitting in a random neighborhood
If I'm writing this in the confinement of my car
If I'm hoping I can disappear for a day
If I'm completely done with all this trying stuff-

Shhhh, it's alright.
No, it's not.

If I'm set on trying again, I'm an idiot.
If I'm going to practice even harder for next time, I'm wasting my time.
If I think I can do better, I'm lying.

5 times. 3 times....
No more. Please. You'll be okay.
But am I really okay? Do you really think I can ignore the disappointment in their eyes?





*....I didn't think so.

Think before you;
Talk
Text
Approach
Wave
Look
Move
Breathe
Exist

Because you'll probably end up;
Making a fool of yourself
Doing something stupid
Making yourself sound idiotic
Bothering him
Making him not like you
Hating yourself
Wanting to disappear
Wishing you hadn't.

Clattering clashes of confused cacophony
Secretly sweep myself from sanity  
No one knows of this nonsense
That's viciously veering away my vanity.
But bursting bottles bubble over
Then transform from thick to translucent
Succumb to swallowing my insecurities
Like little lies luring your loneliness
Making moments your own meaningless movie
These hallucinations hear hoarse laughter
That tricks time into ticking towards timebombs.

Tell me how people think
The crisp sound of leaves
Scattered around the trees
Crunching beneath feet
Sounds beautiful
And how the smell of death
Coming from the decay
Smells wonderful.

Autumn is the season of the dying.

I want my heart to stop beating for you
Although I told it to stop
So many months ago
It does what it wants
And it kept on thump-thump-thumping
To the rhythm of you

But this time
What my heart wants and what I want
Are the same thing
It, too, is tired of fluttering for you
So it started thump-thump-thumping
To the rhythm of something new.

I'm sure the obscurities of the lenses clouding my vision
Are nothing more than a hologram of the world I never knew
But always thought existed in the window panes of my brain

The outside world my thoughts are too afraid to venture
For the warmth in the home of my realistic perception
Is the safe haven of who I am and what I know
And going outside my homestead into the dark forest of the things
That are undiscovered to my left but known all too well by my right  
Are what excels my lenses to constantly change when the room is the same tint of light

Transitions from one thing to the next don't necessarily need to have a change one can see
I feel the forest calling me as if I'm some bewitched prophecy
But the foreboding dank blackness that thickens my view
Has always stopped me from entering into the unknown of my own self

These hazy retractions of light may cast dark shadows
However right now my mind is a whirlwind of calamities that can only be tranquilized
By venturing into the unknown darkness inside of me

This time these obscured lenses draped over my glass orbs
Create a tint similar to what is within the forest
My transitions are nonexistent but all the more in constant motion behind closed curtains

So my first steps out of my safe haven are slow
The door creaks like an old mans rusted weathered body  
And I feel the pang of hysteria hit me as the outside air tests out my foreign skin

When I enter the blackened forest I begin running into what I have never known to my left but know so well in my right
The nightmare-conjuring mysteries of this realm are ready to be battled.

I think I've finally met someone
I want to hug and kiss one moment
Then punch and choke the next.

No more glistening eyes
And hiccuped sighs
Hush now, baby girl
Close your eyes and listen
To sweet notes of a lullaby
Sung softly by your mother.
Keep your rib cage steady
To the rhythm of the melody
And slowly, peacefully
Begin your journey into dreamland.

I feel like I'm just slowly
      
                   F
            A
                   L
                          L
                               I
                      N
             G

A
             P
                            A
                    R
       T

You need to treat my world like a glass globe
It is not a ball that you can bounce around
You can't throw it at walls when you're angry
You can't squeeze it like it's a stress ball

My world is precious
Just like yours
If you flip my world
Ill surely flip yours back
So we're looking at each other upside down
As if we're hanging from monkey bars
Because that's what love is like, isn't it?
A play ground.

Ill chase you around
You'll chase me around
Ill slow down so you can catch me
Somewhere in there one of us might fall
And I hope you're the type of person to help me up
Instead of laugh and watch me get up myself

If we'd play cops and robbers
Id steal your heart and you'd put me in jail and ask for it back
But the thing with thieves is we are selfish
I wouldn't hand over your heart because I don't want to give it back
You would have to pry it out of my cold dead hands
But you wouldn't have to worry, I'd give you mine instead

And we would play around in our imaginary world
Flipped upside down
As if we're on monkey bars
Because that's what love is like, isn't it?
A playground.

I am so tired of letting you consume me
What you do, what you say
I let it affect me in every which way.

I don't belong to you
Nor does it seem I ever will
Yet I think of you when my mind is still.

I want these feelings to end
Because for you it's as if they never even started
Now it's time for me to act just as cold-hearted.

I wonder how I can hold myself up when you're not around
Whatever I do, without you I feel so out of bound
You are the piece of me that makes me feel safe and sound.

My thoughts are grounded by the stability of your presence
Lately they've been flying at distances much too high
Similar to the plane passing by in the curve of your ocean eyes

The clouds above puffed up in a sigh
Your dark oceans reflect the sky
Matching the blue as if the water is up high

Your blue oceans move to me, finding my green shore
And I refuse to look away because this is my plea
I am the isolated island lost at sea.

You are a complex person
So many confusing equations to figure out
All these numbers and signs adjacent to each other
Only I can simplify you
Because my numbers and signs line up with yours
I am just as complex
And when you put two complex equations
Side by side with an equal sign in between
You either cross out all the same complexities
Or combine them to make a nightmare of numbers
And I know that you and I, side by side,
Will simplify each other
Our relationship will not be foiled
Because we'll cancel out all our symbols
And leave a beautiful product
That leaves others jealous
Searching for the match that will make them
Just as simple, just as beautiful
Simple as that.

There's sadness welling up with water in my eyes.
There's embarrassment flushing to my cheeks.
There's fear twitching to run in my feet.
There's anger bunching up in my balled fists.
There's nausea accumulating in my stomach.
There's confusion pumping through my heart.
There's disapointment sighing in my rib cage.
There's regret pursing my lips.
And there's madness processing my brain.

I am a single being.
One small body, barely growing.
A structure of bones made up a human.
This being, this body, this human,
This single being
Is overwhelmed with emotions.
And I cannot contain these feelings.
I am one person.  
Which makes it logical that all these feelings
Would overtake me.


(just like they always do)

I've only the energy
To make myself
Look halfway decent
Because halfway
Is where I stand
Between throwing
Myself into a river
And hiding under my
Bedroom blankets
Hopelessly confused

My glass is half empty
Or maybe half full
Either way
There's nothing
Occupying the opposite space
And that other space
Is where I am standing
Halfway decent
Halfway insane
Halfway gone.

Just another teenage girl
Curled up in a ball
Crying herself to madness
Over a teenage boy
And how she feels so alone.


What's new?

Music is blaring in my ears and my breathing is becoming staggered
You're invading my mind and I need to run
But I can't run from what's inside of me
And I can't run from what I feel
So I listen to the rhythm of my feet on the pavement
Steady, now.
And I match my breathing to every other step
Even though my mind is racing 100 paces ahead
I know it will eventually lose stamina
And begin retreating
But my thoughts have no intention of stopping
No desire to cooperate
And off they go again.

I'm feeling too much
I'm running in a straight line
But going in circles trying to catch myself
Steady, now.
I can only mask my insanity for so long
I can only run for so long before my pace diminishes
Along with my drive to cap my thoughts
I'm being taken over by my own self
Engulfed in an ocean of emotions
That won't stop trying to drown me
I listen once again to my feet on the pavement
And the tempo of my breathing
Ears picking up the echo of my heartbeat
My heart feels so much
But it still beats its rhythmic cadence in my chest
I want my mind to adapt to that same stability
I am running, but from what?
Steady, now.

Watch the flow of the ocean
Each wave is its own muscle
Rippling to the shore
Then retreating back into its body
Slowly gaining strength to return
Singing never ending rhythms
That will not fail to calm you,

Listen to the sighs of the sea
Tumbling around
Caressing the sand
Somersaulting sea shells
Exhaling salt water breezes
That will free your mind
If only you'd let it.

If you were notified of every time
I thought of you
Since I got to know you
And I was notified of every time
You thought of me
Since you got to know me
I wonder if our stats would match up
Or be embarrassingly different.

I miss you
I heard the remorse in your voice as you said it.
Well, sweetheart, I guess I could say I miss you too.

I *miss your judgemental demeanor
And your pugnacious attitude.

I miss you treating me like ****
And your constant complaining.

I miss your vicious words
And your pointless insecurities.

I miss your pissy glare
And your interrogating questions.

I miss your painful attempts at saying sorry
And especially your violent movements.

And do you remember the first day you came into my life?
Oh, love, how I wish I could have missed that too.

If I started
                              running
                          ­                                 far away
                                                                ­                         from you,


Would you
                           lace up your shoes
                                                           ­        to chase after me                                                                  ­                                       into the blue?

I burnt a bridge that didn't have any water under it.
No numbing temperature to shock you.
No tormenting waves to annhilate you.
No angry current to pull you under.
The bridge let across all the danger that I wanted to avoid.
But now that I burnt it down to the ground all that danger
came crashing down into the safe haven
that was protected by my bridge.
I was told to never look down when you feel inferior.
There was grass under that bridge but I was too blind to see it.
I was too busy looking up at the speeding cars crossing this turnpike.
I was suffocated and transfixed by the high beams of my problems.
I was so busy facing my problems head on
That I never bothered to look down and find the strength in giving in.
I didn't realize the bridge was what was directing the negativity away from me.
I listened to them. Society, that is.
And what a stupid idea that was.
Because they told me to burn my bridges.
They told me to strike a match to them
And watch it settle into an unforgiving blaze
Before walking away without looking back.
But they never told me some bridges were meant to save me.
They never said the real danger could be what was beneath the bridge.
They never warned me about the dam underneath that was ready to burst.
Karma is crashing down onto me like baseball-sized hail.
It's not the boomerang effect coming back around to hit me in the face
But instead the avalanche I created from throwing it too far.
And hitting a wall that was too fragile to be played with.
The worst part is I have no bridge to take cover under in a hailstorm anymore.
And no bridge to cross to get away from the incoming avalanche.
All I have are the ashes of what I thought was hurting me.
But it was actually what was saving me.

You tuck me in and kiss my head
But I want to sit up and talk to you instead
Daddy, please tell me again what the doctors said
And why your cheeks were stained with water and eyes turned red
You can't hide this from me, daddy, so tell me when mommy will stop being dead.

I honestly thought you weren't like other guys.
I hoped you would actually go after me once I left.
I believed you would do more than what you really did.
(Which was absolutely nothing)
I wish I hadn't let myself do this yet again.
I fell for you so hard.
And it was that much more embarrassing
To pick my sorry *** up off the floor
And pretend like nothing ever happened.

Like all days, I wonder.
I wonder what you're thinking.
If you're thinking of me.
If that's a stupid thing to think.

Like all days, I wonder.
I wonder if I stop you.
Stop you from whatever you're doing.
Because the thought of me gave you butterflies.

Like all days, I wonder.
I wonder if I frustrate you.
If you're frustrated that I haven't kept in touch lately.
Maybe we're both too stubborn to start the conversation.

Like all days, I wonder.
I wonder if I make you smile.
From a memory you don't want to forget.
There are so many of those that you could recall.

Like all days, I wonder.
I wonder if I haunt you.
Just as much as you've been haunting me.
We're both ghosts haunting what we hope is still there.

Like all days, you wonder.
You wonder if I wonder about you, too.
If I'm just as flustered with these thoughts as you are.
Maybe we've been sharing these feelings all along.

Like all days, we wonder.

The explosions come but we do not run. We see them before we hear them.
The high-pitched sounds permeate the air and all we do is sit.
We wait.
They explode from the inside out.
The explosions leave a spidery trail of sound and sight that no longer exits anywhere but in our minds and all we do is listen.
The colors fight against each other.
They spread in all different directions pushing out whatever empty space was occupied there.
The noises change and now we hear the demonic mutation of the sound of rain.
We are hurt by the light but still we stare.
The booming and the blinding lights transfix our gazes so all we do is sit.

Deep breaths
Steep crests
Jog down

Slip and fall
Shout and call
For anybody's help

You topple over me
Just let it be
Entangled in rocks, roots

In the middle of nowhere
Trying hard not to stare
But you're also watching me

At the bottom of a mountain
Found each other in our darkness
It's slowly leading back to normalcy

"Kick the darkness until it bleeds light"
Such violence could lead to such right
Wonder how our darkness found one another

Open wounds are now healing because of you
Fell down a wretched person came up anew
Save me from falling again or hiding undercover.

Alcohol and poison are what's clouding my vision and this is what I see:
Fire and ashes are what's burning the very existence of you to me.
Your body is so ****** it's past being considered as medium or rare.
Knives and daggers tightly hug my hands like they always belonged there.
Footsteps run but you haven't gained any distance to escape.
Entangled in rope I make knots and secure your mouth with duct tape.
Eyes plead a panicked mercy but I only see you're shameless sins.
Blackness then light is a result of my drinking too many tonics and gins.

Let me feel all the things I've been hiding from myself.
These bottled up emotions have finally gathered enough pressure to burst.
The cap shoots out and so do my tears.
The fizz protrudes out like a volcanic eruption and my breathing gets drowned out.
The sticky mess dribbles onto the table and my shaking is not steadied by it.

I am so unstable.
And I blame it on you.
But you never did anything to make me like this.
You were just you.
And that's what kills me.
Because you got me.
And you heard me.
And you liked me.
And you left me.

I wait for the rain to drench me so I can be washed of my impurities. I'm wishing that the water that streams down me will mask the tears that have been clouding my vision for so long because whenever I think of you my own rainstorm starts inside of me.
  
I wait for the lightning to hit me so I can be filled with light. I'm hoping that the electricity that courses through me will somehow get through to you so I'm not the only one that feels something when we touch.

I wait for the thunder to deafen me so I don't have to hear the news something along the lines of it's probably not going to be you and me. If I can't hear anything anymore I won't have to worry about listening to the compliments you shower her with day after day.

I wait for the sun to dry me so I don't have to catch more of an illness than I already have. I'm guessing that when the sun comes out I'll shine like a newly cleaned window having been rinsed of the dirt that's been clouding me over for so long now because I know your blue eyes see through me but if I blind you with light then you really won't see anything at all when you look at me.

.
                  I'll take a step backward
Because I'm too far ahead of the game
                                  Who likes to be left behind
Watching yourself fall back in shame?

Or maybe you should take a step forward
                                   Because I'm all the way over here
And your footsteps are fading into my past
                   Better catch up, dear.

I like to ramble and I like to write in all caps whenever I'm tired
I like to sing and I like to dance but neither of those traits were really admired.
I like to compete and I like to achieve but lately I've been losing
I like to pretend and I like to cry, it's just the path that I'm choosing.

I like to love people and I like to be loved right back
I like to have security and I like that my friends keep my life on track.
I like to make decisions but I'm probably the most indecisive person ever.
I like to be busy but the way I plan some things just isn't very clever.

I like to write and I like to revise and lately that's what I've been doing
I like to study and I like to remember and yes it's a full plate that I'm chewing.
I like to eat healthy but I always end up eating way too much.
I like to have friends but sometimes I decide not to keep in touch.

I like that I'm single  but sometimes it'd be entertaining to have a lover
I like searching for nothing in particular, because there's so many things to discover.
I like to talk and I like to think but I usually end up annoying myself
I like the idea that my life could be an interesting story on somebody's book shelf.

Get up
And pick your heart off the floor
Face it
He's not into you anymore.

Remember this
And try to stand proud and tall
Chin high
Change course once you've hit a wall.

Secrets hidden
To pretend that you're alright
Smile big
Don't let them know you've been crying all night

Move on
Because it's all that you can do
Head strong
No one needs to know you're bleeding black and blue.

I wish you could hear what I have to say
But the problem is I can't put my emotions into words
Until 10 minutes after the fight is over.
Maybe they'll come at the right time someday.

I wish you would listen to me instead of ignore my yelling
But the problem is you're so **** stubborn
And I have too much pride to swallow my words
Maybe you actually understand what I'm feeling, but there's no telling.

I wish you would walk up to me and take my anger
And push it out of my body as you engulf me in your arms
But you have so many reasons not to forgive me for this
Maybe one day soon you'll stop looking at me like I'm a stranger.

I wish you would speak to me instead of only talk
And then things would become more functional again
But your ideas do not match up with mine anymore
One day I'll realize this parting shouldn't have been such a shock.

If you could only see what you're doing to me.

The loss for words
The rush of warmth
The blush of my cheeks
The self concious preening
The attempt at ****** jokes
The common sense I seem to lose
The fear that I'm not what you want
The butterflies caressing my stomach
The idea that I can just touch your hands
The panic when I almost automatically do....

The anger because you make me feel like this
The wild emotions whenever I think of you
The small gestures I'll end up overthinking
The effect you have when you smile at me
The sarcasm I use to try to hide myself
The embarrassment of everything I do
The swooning I catch myself doing
The need to just talk to you....

If you could only see what you're doing to me.

I wonder where raindrops come from before they reach my window,
A river? Lake? Ocean?
I wonder how far they have to travel before they reach my window,
A kilometer? Mile? Country?
I wonder if these raindrops work together to sing as they reach my window,
Plop-plop, ploop, plop-ploop!
I wonder how diverse the raindrops are as they reach my window,
Oh hello, I'm from Lake Ontario.
I wonder if it's a wild party or wet war in the clouds whose raindrops reach my window,
Let's dance! Fight me!
I wonder how social raindrops are that reach my window,
Stick to me, we'll become a downpour!
I wonder if the cloud is the mother that lets go of its children to reach my window,
Off to the lake, ma, see you soon!
I wonder if raindrops thought they could fly but instead reached my window,
Weeeeee-aahhhhhhhh!
I wonder if they all fall but expect to soar as they reached my window....


Plop-plop, ploop-plop, plop, ploop, plop, plop....

Wake me up
Shake me awake
This is just a dream
Everything you're saying is fake.

Pour water on me
Please just open my eyes
I've got to get away from this
Each and every one of you are filled with lies.

I'll awaken soon
It's just a long dream
Smack me if you have to
Nothing we know is as it seems.

Constantly holding on
Who's to be my strong hero
To zap my heart awake into reality
Dropped from cloud nine to ground zero.

Gasping for breath
Again.
How many times
Should I pretend?
Smiles and laughter
Scratches and nightmares
After.

Preening and playing
Screaming and bingeing
Contemplating.
Parties with liquor
Bleeding and bruising
Stupor.

Watching and curious
Withering and unconscious
Hideous.
Caress my broken soul
Maybe my spirit's just an empty
Hole.

You stole my heart
Right out of my chest
But I guess that's okay
I planned on giving you the rest.

You are controlling my mind
To think about you all day
But you'll come to find
I don't mind feeling that way.

But there's rules for you
If you stole my heart
It's only fair I steal yours too
So give me the key or I'll break in

I'll take over your train of thought
For its your time to be taken
Stare at me and try not to get caught
Love is such a sneaky game.

Here's a secret to keep between you and me
In my dreams it's only you I ever see.

Tears streak down my face
What a non-seductive grace
They stain my cheeks for a short time
Another ugly feature I must call mine

I look myself up and down
No wonder my lips have always formed a frown
I remember the days where I stood up proud and tall
A showcase of perfection portrayed to all

I remember the days where everything was great
But suddenly my appreciation was handed in too late
They no longer smile at me
With a desire for my attention
They now only cast smiles of covered pretension.

Does it ever occur to you
That your face appears in
My thoughts and dreams
And everything in between?

Or should I assume
That like my silly humor,
You just think of me like a joke
And nothing more?

Do you believe in us,
Or is the thought so absurd
That it would only pop up
In your head as sarcastic nonsense?

Could it really be only me
That feels these feelings,
Or are you hiding them
Like an elementary school boy does?

Am I only wasting my time
Wistfully dreaming about you-
Or are you
Secretly dreaming of me too?

Here's to the moments
No one wants to remember
Because those moments
Are usually the ones
We remember the most.

What's going through my head
I could never tell you
Because like most things in this world
They are just better left unsaid
But if you must hear
I'll tell the tale of love and grace
Or, perhaps, nothing of that place
Because my mind is filled with fear
Of all the things nobody should ever hear
While it shoots down to my perception
It's trying to become something like perfection
At its best, it's wings will soar
And the vibrations of its movements will give you chills
Then it takes off with you struggling atop its back
And tries to teach you the secrets of the hills
How up and down they form a *****
That science tried to put into logic
At an incline of x and a height of y the hill reaches this point at xy feet in elevation
Yes nature is nothing of the sorts
That can be solved in a complex math equation.
Nor is it of the sorts
To be tampered with
But we do
And nature is nothing of the sorts
To be carelessly wasted
But we do
And yes nature is a gift that should be showcased
But we don't
And as I'm straddling the back of this horrible creature from my mind
Flying through this world and making illusions in my eyes
To see the way it wants me to see
With fear, despair, and some mutant mix of both that I can't quite explain
There's nothing more for me to think
Except the thought that we've ruined
What's been given to us
And that what our future generations will find
Is the mess we created out of our freedom
And the remnants like a party once its over
All this garbage we simply left behind.

For all the times it's been said
For all the times you've been misled
To all the tears you quietly spill
To all the memories that give you chills

Like all the stars burning too far away
Like all the dreams you wanted to stay
How all the years that went by real slow
How all those people just didn't know

When all that time you faded dull
When all your limits got stuffed too full
And all you've done is tried to stay in line
And all your mouth could mutter was
"I'm fine"

It's going to be okay
That's what comes out
When there's nothing else to say

Like it even matters to them
They don't know where you've been
Time to supposively move on
But how, when all happiness is gone?

Inside, it's nothing but numb
Yet they say a better time will come
When thinking all emotions become tears
Wishing we could go back to better years

But that's probably not going to be
When the future is all we're able to see
As we stare back to the past and our dreams
So far away now, it seems.

Life would be rather different
If the choices we made could be undone
If the things we decided too late could be taken back
If the words we never said could be heard at the right time
Life would be rather different.