I've been
a little confused at the way he
gently brushed my hair away from my neck
and pressed soft kisses on my skin during mid-afternoon

And when night fell
(how lovely it was to see something else falling rather than me)
he held me close but wouldn't let me in
So like a child practicing a lesson learned in grade school,
I covered his skin with kisses- you get what you give, right?
But I had forgotten that reality isn't like a movie
with happy endings occurring in every scene,
the little moments don't seem so little
when the main character forgets to play his part.

When you think of me
how far do you think
when the idea of you and me
is placed on a map
waiting for territory to be marked

how far will you leave the permanence
to take up space that was once freedom
now shared
how many roads will be built
leading to us
if there will be any at all

think ahead for me
because thinking about forever
wouldn't be the same otherwise

a heart beating inside me
leads me to wonder

what other parts of myself
should be beaten

to start working
correctly again.

Your lips don't need to talk
I can hear you speak all over my body
Without a single utter heard
I feel your words pressed against my skin
as you caress your palm across the trail you've made
Like a security seal of possession
Your lips make sure you haven't left any spot untouched

I felt it written all over my skin,
*I will kiss every inch of you

Wearing red never felt like a sin
until my cheeks couldn't stop blushing
after my lipstick left a stain on his neck.
he told me afterwards,
you mean nothing to me
I wonder if those words
were supposed to hurt me;
he didn't mean much to me either.

The tablecloth is smoothed over
stiff and  firm in perfection
The same cloth that I hid under as a child
night and day
mulling over when the sun will finally tap me with yellows
so I could stop feeling so blue
Hiding away from the ghosts beneath the surface
even though I felt like one too

She is a candle's melting wax
a slow caress onto the pristine surface
of a strong body that softens in her presence

She leaves herself
molded onto others
a heat that overtook the light,
melting fears disguised in hot wax
stained on the holder

That is the way she leaves them
they are all just a kindle to her fire
coming and going
never the same as the start.

I don't know what could be more unsettling;
the impending sadness I feel for what has not happened
or the fear that my thoughts
will build the reality of my present
to unwrap a gift I think
isn't mine to keep

Leave your car keys on the leather seat
I promise the world won't move without you
So there's no need to try to get so ahead of yourself,
The roads will wind around your restless mind
Please don't get too dizzy trying to read between the lines
of the GPS directions you never listen to
The set destination is only far
because you keep turning away from the arrows
And theres a beautiful mystery in the flickering of your eyelashes
blinking against the cinematic sunset
Those colors couldn't give off a fraction
of the colors surrounding you
I know your hands play in the dust
tracing curved lines the same way
you stumble when balance plays with your legs
falling into him

Leave your car keys on the counter
because your footsteps can carry you
onto the carpeted floor, the collage of a blank white wall
painted in sound as substitute for aesthetic
Why get ahead of yourself
if he is facing in front of you?
You've learned to ease your restless mind on your own
yet his hands take the worry and wash them off
a caress across your cheek like a gentle waterfall
you find yourself babbling down the stream
with no map in your hands, no worry of a destination
just a journey on its course
There's a beautiful mystery in the flickering of his smile
lit up like a melting candle that's brightening your face
This heat doesn't represent a fraction
of the energy kept between you
I know your bodies trace lines against one another
weaving more and more into existence
of two universes colliding
a passionate destruction of walls you are no longer keeping

Put your car keys into the ignition
there are so many roads to drive down
but somehow this time I know
you will not get lost.

Ice cubes
melting on the floor
I love the way our feet move
stomping around one another
a tapping war
coming close but never touching

keep your distance from my limbs
I don't control the movements
once the night kisses my spirits
freedom feels like sweat
running over my lips

the same place where honey
sweetened the illusions we made
laughing into the crowd that held us
without really looking close
waves of notes rushed over the lights
a never ending vibration of cheers
showcased in radiant shamelessness

we are tied together with energy
fueled by glasses that the optimist enjoys
more empty than filled
we replace the mass with moments that matter
more in the moment than the future

looking back we wont remember
all the words that spilled out
in a honey flavored accent-
we speak in ways that numb our lips
smiling wider and wider
when we let the rhythm shake our inner rush out

our feet stumble kisses onto the ground
and our hands hug steadier fingers
we love the way our voices sound
mingling in nonsense with one another
honey sounds sweetest when heard together

shaking glasses steady with sloshing gambles
of who's eyes will rock the room first
but it doesn't matter when the light attracts you
and your feet guide pathways in circles
the night knows darkness brings out light from within
coaxed by accents we acquire
if only for a night we won't remember

Sink in the sand
the water gliding over your scars
erasing the wounds you once had
what pieces of me do you see?
A puzzle with torn edges
My pieces rubbing against each other
Fading color
He is sandpaper to my flaws
Rubbing them clear
Feelings are reconnecting to the past
Before memories led me to shake like
china glass tapping against one another,
A cabinet of fear
sparkling like bubbling champagne
I feel it celebrate inside me
The burning sensation sliding down my throat
warming my chest
but chilling my bones
So I shake to fight the demons eating away at me
I can't peel away the tape over my mouth
because my hands are too slippery to hold anything tight enough
He holds my cheeks still with the thought
That I no longer have to be so silent
My head keeps trying to curse me at night
But I wake in the company of the sun
And flying planes reminding me of the escape I made
To a liberating freedom from the piece of my body I knew
I couldnt hold on to anymore
I let go
So the wind can carry me into the currents I used to sail
Before I was tied down,
Like a kite jostling in the sky
I am no longer a caged creature thinking it flies freely in the air
The little bird sings sweetly, sadly
As her kite sets loose from her grip
Another flight with no destination
A sailboat setting into the sun.

You remind me of the ocean, your waves circling aimlessly
but when they come to the shore, they come crashing.
I can feel you retracting, always retracting,
it's a statistic with a one hundred percent chance of occurring so
I do not flinch when I see you coming near-
this salt water of yours does not touch me.

You remind me of gravity; you are always falling down.
It's funny to watch you stumble, trying to fly like a bird breaking free from the nest but darling,
you do not have wings.
You are the apple snapping from the tree trying to leap to the basket but missing by impeccable aim, almost
as if you yearned to bruise as badly as you did upon touchdown.

You remind me of balloons.
No, not the ones that float up into the cotton candy clouds and kiss the baby blue sky,
you are the oxygenated balloon, awkwardly laying on the cold tile floor, tilted slightly to the left because you cannot sit up, you cannot hold yourself up right with the constant tug of the string attached to jumble your body. Your weight totters helplessly in defeat.

You remind me of lights, but you are not the spirited warm glow of Christmas decorations.
You are cracked, flashing, the stark, pale, buzzing illumination switching on and off irregular as the heartbeat of a man having a heart attack, frightening as the coyotes howl when you are alone in the woods, your light does not provide comfort. It's eerie as the thick, tired cloud of fog residing at the front of your forehead, tempting you to shut down and sleep. Your light will burn out quickly.

You remind me of a drug, and no, you are not a medicine. You can't be swallowed because you'll burn a hole through a throat before your poison is tamed by the acid in a stomach.
You are too consumed in me, too focused on the control I have over your ocean currents, your laws of physics, the molecules you are filled with, the filter I color you with, I am the drug, not you.
You swallow me dry and I travel into your control center-I am the commander, I cut the lights out, your human mind cannot fight me; I thrive in the dark while you suffocate in it.

Please let me take your hand and run my thumb across your palm to show that I care too much for you,
Let each stroke be a catalyst to a fire I am hesitant to ignite
Like a child playing with matches,
each stroke on your palm is the base
and my thumb is the match
gently gliding across wondering if I
will burn if I try to make sparks-
I am hesitant to create this fire.

My thoughts are all askew,
but when I piece them together
I find they are a puzzle
made of you.

-20w-

It would be quite easy
for you to break me
Shatter me like the glass
I didn't know my heart was made of.
I'll repair like stone
And turn colder
But wiser?
When it comes to you
It seems as though my heart of stone
Turns to fragile glass
At any given moment
I think of you.

I'm going to fly away
I've strung two diamond kites to my back as wings
And I've tracked down the winding river-like patterns of the wind

I'm going to fly away
Because my kites will have no trouble
Picking up my hollow body, empty of life and experience and substance and
everything that defines what it means to be alive, up into the sky.

I'm going to glide on the air
and slowly make a parabola as I slide down the air current like
I'm on a water slide and then curve upwards
as if I'm a rocketeer testing out the power of my engine.

I'm going to glide on the air
because my feet are too tired of carrying the weight on my shoulders.
I want to feel the weightlessness that has encompassed my heart
every time it got its hopes up and every time it was broken.
The weightlessness that my empty lungs felt as
I lurched for oxygen in the smoky air
The weightlessness that my arms felt hugging
every one of imaginary friends that never felt real enough to believe in.
I want to feel the same physical weightlessness,
yet know it carries a much different meaning than all the others,
The one you feel when things are just where you want them to be,
The small floating instant in the transition from your upward velocity running out and
your momentum building as you are suddenly falling down.
The weightlessness of balance that I have only felt in the wrong ways.

I'm going to fly away
Because as a teenager I specialize in the concept of hating
every human being out there including myself.
and yet I'm dressed in all white save for the vibrant color of my kites
because I'd rather the world paint me into what it really is instead of me
painting the world into my skewed perceptions.

I'm going to fly away
and fly so far away and for so long
that my skin will turn the color of the sky
my kites will become a part of my body
my eyes will turn into every color humankind has failed to see
and I will feel alive,
my body full of the mass of life
that has replaced the weight on my shoulders
Which tried to hold me down to walk the concrete ground,
face the gray brick walls, and breathe the misused air

I'm going to fly away,
So I will learn to catch my breath the same way a landscape will take it away,
So I will hear the raw wavelengths of our earth,
So I will reach back to the trees reaching up to me from the ground
So I will feel the air currents take me along its route to nowhere in particular,
So I will live in fantastically unimaginable ways
So that when I land again,
I will be full of weight I don't mind carrying on my shoulders.
Yes,I'm going to fly away.

My heart will tear apart-
But like any other muscle
It'll simply grow back stronger.

When you feel like I am drifting away-
Like a sailboat idle on the sea,
Just know that you are the wind pushing me.

When you think I am not the same as I was before-
As if I changed in the blackness overnight,
Just know that you are the one who acted as the sunlight.

When you say that all I am doing is shutting you out-
Like I somehow built a door and closed it tight,
Just know that your accusations are not always right.

When you start to believe that I am gone for good-
As if I were a flighty songbird singing to you in the sky,
Just know that you are the lighting in the rain clouds that cued my goodbye.

I could lay here and wonder a million times over
What it is that keeps you smiling and sober
But nothing in the world could change what
Your eyes have seen and ears have heard

I could lay here and listen for a thousand whispers long since lost in space
But like the wavelengths of the words never said; I cannot hear a single trace.
I know what you feel hurts you to endure- so
I will run to cease the pain for you.

I could lay here and hurriedly paddle down the river of tears flowing from your eyes
Like waterfalls every drop is a reenactment of the rapids reflected in mountain skies
Falling as fast as they are rushed out of broken wishing wells straight from your heart
I cannot tell you how much I want to save you from the pain tearing you apart

Let me heal the wounds you keep mercilessly opening up
I want to stop the blood from rushing out of your soul
I want to keep you safe-I want you to heal-I want you to be okay
Stay with me, please- stay with me, I know I can help you if you'd just let me

Let your walls break down and open the curtains of your barrier
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in.

**Let me save you.

You heard all the things I never said in the empty silence between us.
It's funny, when I say nothing at all I'm telling you everything.
But when everything is nothing and nothing means everything,
the words you don't hear can't exactly feel empty anymore.
And it's not empty space surrounded between us,
there are ghosts of the past flying by
whispering chills down our spines.
Our weak, foolish spines....

We are a throng of bones and blood that we tried putting together
yet standing here in front of you I find I am only falling apart.
The dissonance of our energies is weakening us,
as are the futile attempts at mending something
that was always broken.
And what broke gave us scars that burned
brighter than what we once had.
Like the air between us, we are hesitant to move.
Moving past and moving forward is as hard
as two pedals on a bike going in opposite directions;
we are broken but stuck chasing after one another in circles.
We can get so close but never touch.

I feel the swollen heartbreak from these missing puzzle pieces to our masterpiece
We merely have pain and incomprehension of what we know but can't say
To console the absence of space that will nevermore be complete.
Wavelengths slow, saddened by our disconnection.
Fighting no longer, all that is left to say does not need to be spoken
And so we stand here in silence.

Suddenly, my mind feels broken
          I've realized I am far too
outspoken
    To even think for a little
           That my bones haven't gone
brittle
     Running away from my constant distress
            I'm hesitantly giving in to the devils
caress
     I'm being pressed out of my boundary
             I created an enmity between the world and
me
      So it's safe to tell you I feel anything but secure
             I couldn't say how much longer I think I can
endure
      But my eyes are bright (and smile is fake)
            Aggression is present so they don't see my body
shake.
       One way or another you'll finally see
             That all these things have been eating away at
me
     Then, one by one, my weaknesses will walk into the light
              And at my grave you'll see the girl who grew too tired to
fight.

I have no enigmatic inspiration
To provide any rhyme or combination
To accurately convey my opinionated inclination.

My thoughts are merely another fed up indignation
Towards all the people with egos far too high in inflation
To really understand what it is to have a substantial imagination.

I'm   so   scared
                      of
            losing
     you.
Please
     Please
          Please
Don't   slip   away
                 Please
           Please
     Please
I   need   you*
  to
      stay.

When your eyes are too tired to speak
And lips too tired to search
For the words you've been needing to say,

If your heart keeps stuttering
And eyes keep glistening
With no energy to seize the day,

Will your feet keep moving
Or mind keep working
To find the right way?

Stop worrying, child
You are a creation of God;
Just open your heart and pray.

The rain is falling glass
Shattering from the angels' eyes
They hit the ground in shards they splash
And if you look close enough you'll find a reflection of lies

The unwashable wounds of problems past
Awaken the demons that gush your logic out of mind
Half-remembering telling yourself that last time was the last
But everyone dances with the devil when they've been left behind

Something sharp, subtle pain, screams at the edge of the glass shards
And the angels cry their silent pleas that your deafened ears refuse to hear
A blinding reflection of white light (maybe white lies) stun your mind's composure guards
While the devil comes out to play in the glass rain, turning spatters into basalt ashes of burnt-out fears.

Curtain dust is like magic falling onto the stage
And the rickety crickety creaking of the aged floor
Holds all the birthrights to the moments constantly being born.

The sea of floating souls do not desire anything more
But to submerge themselves in the waves of the anthems
And underwater they try to bottle the fallen curtain magic.

Wavelengths of harmonies flow through space
Beckoning for a flow, a feeling, a connection between each other
Moments agilely fleet away, but here time is endless.

I should've built a bridge before I tried crossing your mind
because I'm falling fast with no safety net to catch me.

Your body looks stable, but inside your head
I find you are completely reckless.
Crossing any path you've built in there
is like walking through a mine field.

But I'm looking for heat;
Some sort of explosion or spark
to light up your mind with the thought of me.

And I've come to think that stepping on a bomb
wouldn't be too bad because then I'd scatter
all across your brain and you'd envision me
anywhere your mind wandered.

I'm practically as bad as a nocturnal bug
too consumed in the temptation of the flames
to heed the danger that comes with such a fatal attraction.

Mine fields may be for the mad but I think bridges are for the meek.  
And so I madly walk on wondering when I'll find the right misstep
that will ignite the fire to blow your mind.

If you were to dig a hole
For every time you've made
me think that I should go
D          I          E                  
in one,
there still wouldn't be enough dirt
to fill in your    e                            soul.
                               m                y
                                    p       t

A map guide clarifying the wrong place
Stoic expressions with implied purpose are no help
Busy streets bustling about this foreign land of no lights
High buildings sporting officiality block my view
Of the mountains and rivers now paved over by ideals of the future
A showcase of grey streets, walls, and skies; I am left hopeless.

No color, no contrast, just black and white: the architects are hopeless
All the intricate designs and patterns are of a different time and place
I cannot be trapped in the colorless cinema of the town; I search for a vibrant future
Native minds drear into the day, knowing not that they desperately need help
The neon lights and rain shower rainbows are not an element of the city's depressed view
It's as if the colorblind man blackened the city and closed his curtains to the light

The planes cannot find where to land because someone put out the runway lights
Auras only shine in black and white, the long since hopeful are now helplessly hopeless
I exhale my dissapointment towards the uninspired dead end view
And mournful rainbows melt out of the sky, defeated. Why did I come here in the first place?
Perhaps I am the prophecy, the ******, the angelic omen sent by God to help
Or perhaps that is conceited; one person alone cannot brighten this future.

No amount of psychic ability or math calculations could have predicted this future
Somebody shot down the angels, choked out all the lights
Malicious villains took over as citizens realized superman wasn't coming to help
Thus the people watched as the color drained out and faded away, oh, they are hopeless
Cacophonous chaos throws broken hearts, leaving shards all over the place
A kaleidoscope zoom reflects nothing but melancholy expressions into my view.

When was the last time the sunshine peeked through the window's view?
Did the sun burn out from uncertain predictions of the future?
I try to envision when only the bleakness of TV sets in the city were out of place
Because psychedelic intricacies ruled, shinning proud neon lights
But then the clouds greyed the sky once the colorblind man began to feel hopeless
His dimension of colors disagreed with the perception of others, shying him from help

Nobody could answer his message in a bottle, his SOS, his plea for help
So day after day darker walls constructed over his already restricted view
At points in our lives our faith finds nothing to battle the hopeless
But news of the blind man seeing purple mountains ignites faith in the future
Of the man of no color who painted the city grey and drained the neon lights
Because his color is not non-existent, but waiting to be found in his own secret place

So perhaps we can help transform this dystopia into a brighter future
We cannot let be a view that we know has the capability to glitter in the light
We will smolder the pollution cloud of hopeless energy and enlighten this place.

It's the memories of you
Of how you made me feel
That made me smile so genuinely
Of the sparks
That crackled between our hands
Of the butterflies
That caressed my stomach
Of the love
That tinged my cheeks pink

Which still attracts me to you
Like a bug to the light
Hoping that in your eyes
I'll see a flicker, a flash
Of the fire you used
To ignite in me

But I am hopelessly
Disappointed
By the fire we both
Stopped caring for
Whose flame burned out
Not from the rain
But from the wood
That turned to ashes
When the flames had
No where to else flicker

So they turned
From red
To orange
To black
Ashes
They're all that is left to show
For whatever it was between us

And half-heatedly I poke
At the remains,
Wishing that back then
I had known
That it would end
As simply as this
Too soon, too undeveloped
From fire to ashes
We quickly burned.

Forecasted detachment
Pours onto the floor
Oh, sweetie,
Did you really think I could take any more?

The disorganized mess
A constellation of blood drops
Are spit-sput-spattering
Razor blades are my props.

Barbed wire barriers
Built up in seclusion
I close the heavy curtains
And hide inside my illusion.

I say safety
Is solely for the weak
But trapped inside my emotions
I have no logical right to speak.

You came out and scared me
When you refused to let me be
My saltwater barrier didn't repel you
The way I thought it would do.

Actions speak louder than words, they told me
But I have no actions that speak louder than my voice
My words are my actions, I told them.

My words are fathomed together to hurt you
My words are pierced with uncontrollable anger
My words are stumbling out of my mouth half conscious
My words are poisoned by the perception of what I see
My words are empty but they hit you like a brick
My words are rubbed raw from my tired heart

Actions speak louder than words, they told me
But they tell me a lot of things.

We change over night
As the darkness chills us to the bone
We become stiff with bitter memories
That once seemed so right

Milky twilight revealing our faces
Casts soft shadows over once pithy edges
Of what is in front and what is behind us
The thickness of night skews our surroundings

Perception misconceptions grant us the right to stare
Our hearts are told to beat faster by stagnant movements in the distance
We are not the only bitter creatures influenced by the night to play
Because it's easier to pretend to see something when nothing is there

It's not my fault
You waited too long
And now look at this; we burned out*
Whatever it was we had, it's gone
No more fiery sparks
A magnetic pull far too weak
I can free myself so easily from you now
How it came to this, I can't say
*Whatever it was, it was never enough.