I walk into the house,
A dim orange light came creeping from the living room
I see the fire but I dont stop,
Out the door I go
The cold biting my face
Sending a threatening shiver
I slightly shake

I look up the hill from across the driveway,
I slowly walk up.

I hear the screams of the hungry animals,
Who knew they couldn't survive without us,
But I don't stop for them.
I don't stop for anyone.

I walk to a small tree,
Oranges dangling.
I grab one and start to peel off its skin,
Revealing its delicious core.

I grab a piece and take a bite.

I can almost see myself,
But there's something about me that wasn't really me
She was young
She was happy

I can almost hear her,
She's laughing along with someone else
She's laughing with her dad.

There's something about him that wasn't really him
He was young
He was happy

I continue to eat.

It was a bittersweet orange.

Its fine
Isn't always what it means
It could be a scream for help

Its fine
Isn't what i mean
It's a scream of help

“Its fine”
I say with a smile
But you broke my heart

“Im fine”
I say with a smile
But my ego is broken
My soul is crushed
My confidence abandoned
My self love is non-existent
My happy thoughts have turned dark
My will for life was hug by their rope
My back has been stabbed

Whose rope?
Whose knife?
They ask and ask
It's the people who told me,
Your not good enough
It's the people who called me,
Pimple face
Fatty
annoying
It's the people who left me
When i needed them most
It's the people i thought i could trust
Its the peoples words who cut me
Who gave me scars
And i cover those scars
Along with everything they told me was wrong
I plater a smile

“Its fine”
I say

“Im fine”
I say

When I was younger I craved attention
Because someone stole it away
I wanted to play with mom and dad
But it wasn’t just me
How can a girl go from only to oldest
That quickly?
I cried when mom loved them more
And I cried when dad said I was being childish
I was only two
Guess that’s what they expect when your oldest,
To have a mature, stable daughter
That will clean her dishes when the others don’t
And her room spotless
To this day I won’t live up to expectations
Never have and never will
There will always be something for me to do
Because I’ve messed up everything else.

When I was younger i would hit my own head
Out of stress and anger
Guess that’s what I get for being oldest
I’ll put stress on myself even if I don’t need it
And I’ll criticize everything I do because that’s all I’ve had my whole life
Dad always yelled about how my grades ******
And how I’d never have a life
Or a boyfriend
If I kept this up

Guess I’m the messed up daughter with the messed up face
I was told to not touch my face
So I’ve grown not to love it
And even now when I’m guilty I’ll spare the blood
Draw across the board like it won’t scar later
Guess that’s what I get for being the eldest daughter

Wrapped around my leg
A weight that I know
Given up trying to swim against it
And now on the ocean floor

Never knew how dark it was
Almost no light
The waters turbid
But there’s no fright
Because I accepted it
It's who I am,
Living on the ocean floor

Living on the ocean floor
And it's so beautiful
And it's deafening quiet
Can’t see a thing
You swim around aimlessly
For only one destination
Above the ocean floor

Guess that's me
Living on the ocean floor
Been stuck here for a while
Stuck here in a way
In a beautiful castle
Of death and decay

Stuck living on the ocean floor
Been dragged here not from choice
But the weight
That's strapped to my leg

Trapped on the ocean floor.

I’m first place loser
The backup
One day hoping to be the best
One day to be option one
Only the best get first
Only the prettiest
The funniest
The best
I’ll never be first
But I’ll be second place
As I always am
To make the first place to look better
Funnier
I’ll continue to be their one there’s no one else
The backup

Second place: first loser

Bead of tears
Strung on a string
Wore around my neck
It’s to tight
Can barely breathe
Breath is ragged
Eyes are closed
Curled into a ball
Or pacing around
If you calm down
No one will know
Cover you mouth
So no one can hear

Living in a cruel world
That eats confidence for breakfast
And snacks on self esteem
Builds up people like them
To break down people like her
Of course shes going to question herself
If you looked like her
She laughs off remarks
About her own insecurities
Because therapists don't cry
And neither do clowns
Only if they hurt themself–
To get a laugh from the crowd
Laugh at her clumsiness
Yet they never know
Its a sign of her lack of care
For the life she's forced to live,
And the wish she's never promised