i want to be mad
i want to be so mad
i want to be mad but i can’t because it’s not your fault
i want to be mad but i can’t
because every time i almost get mad, i almost yell at you
i almost scream
i get sad.
i get sad that it’s hard to move,
difficult to even talk,
and impossible to do anything but cry
i’m sad because you’re beautiful and i love you
and you love me
but soon you won’t be mine to love anymore
and that hurts more than it angers me

i feel like if i love you hard enough you won’t leave
even though deep down i know that’s not true

when i remember you’re going to leave anyways
i try to feel angry so that i don’t feel sad but i’m still sad
i’m sad
sad that it’s hard to eat
sad that it’s hard to sleep
sad that when i laugh i just wanna cry
sad that sometimes it hurts to breath

if only i could pop one too many pills this time and be done with it
if only i could accidentally cut too deep this time and be done with it
and if only you weren’t leaving me this time i wouldn’t have to wish i was so angry
so that i don’t have to
be sad

i have these moments where i just can’t imagine a future for myself
i lay in bed
lights off
candle lit
calm music playing
oversized t-shirt
no pants
soft blanket thrown over me
too many ******* pillows
staring at the ceiling
with nothing but this feeling like there’s no reason to go on
the future that i can’t see for myself? it’s coming and i don’t have to be a part of it
i can’t even imagine myself in it
i want everything to stop
i just want everything to ******* stop
so i sit for awhile
thinking of the ways i could do it
i come so close to it
i can feel the razor on my wrists
i can feel the pills in my hand
i think about my friends
and my family
i’m not going to lie and say they won’t miss me
i’m not going to lie and say they won’t be sad
i’m not going to lie and say it won’t hurt them
but i just can’t deal with this hurt anymore
and i need it to stop
so i sit there in my bed
just starting at the ceiling like i always do
unable to imagine a future for myself
or even want one

i don’t follow traffic laws
don’t get in my car
i will crash it
it’s not that i don’t know how to drive but the signs get awfully confusing
especially with these tears in my eyes
and sometimes i’ll mess up the turns or drive off the road
i don’t know how to love you right
because i’ve never been loved right before
get ready for a bumpy ride
i don’t follow traffic laws
especially when it comes to love
don’t get in my car
i will crash it
don’t give me your heart
i will crush it

i feel like i should feel bad
i feel like i should be sorry
because here i am doing the thing i said i wouldn’t do again
i said i wouldn’t hurt myself anymore
and the only thing that has kept me from doing it
is knowing i would be hurting more than just me
but here i am
sitting here, like i have
so many times before
just tearing at my skin
and i don’t wanna ******* talk about it

they'll check your wrists,
but not your thighs

please don’t tell me you will love me forever
please don’t promise me the world
please don’t tell me my eyes are like the stars
please don’t call me yours
you will break my heart little by little
because their is no such thing as soulmates
and no plan for escape
and despite the sincerity in your eyes
they’re all lies
so i will not tell you i will love you forever
i will not promise you the world
i will not tell you your eyes are like the stars
and i will not call you mine
and when you leave
maybe it won’t break my heart

once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it 'Chops'
because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it.

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it 'Autumn'
because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it 'Innocence: A Question'
because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
and at 3am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly.

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each ****** wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen

-osoanon nimuss

ice cream at 2am will always taste like u

you know that feeling when
you stare too long at a word and
you no longer grasp the meaning so
you stop looking?

maybe that’s why
you fell out of love with me

you stared too long and
decided to stop loving

two years of sad to finally be happy
is not a trade i would’ve made if i’d have known at the time

what would you know about love?

well i know it’s supposed to hurt

                               but not like this

i told myself i wouldn’t let you come back after how bad you hurt me, how you left me without hesitation, but it was 2am and we were laughing and i felt happy for the first time in a long time, and i fell for you all over again

i don’t even wanna die i just wanna stop hurting and thats the only way i know how to do that

love is not giving and taking in equal parts
it is not a favour for a favour
i owe you nothing
love is not loving on monday, hating on tuesday, and loving on wednesday
love is not touching because you will leave if i do not
love is not manipulating or controlling
love is especially not a forgive, forget, and repeat
love is not

i constantly wish to myself
that i was as brave as the rain
as brave as the rain
as they weren’t afraid to
fall