i want to be mad
i want to be so mad
i want to be mad but i can’t because it’s not your fault
i want to be mad but i can’t
because every time i almost get mad, i almost yell at you
i almost scream
i get sad.
i get sad that it’s hard to move,
difficult to even talk,
and impossible to do anything but cry
i’m sad because you’re beautiful and i love you
and you love me
but soon you won’t be mine to love anymore
and that hurts more than it angers me

i feel like if i love you hard enough you won’t leave
even though deep down i know that’s not true

when i remember you’re going to leave anyways
i try to feel angry so that i don’t feel sad but i’m still sad
i’m sad
sad that it’s hard to eat
sad that it’s hard to sleep
sad that when i laugh i just wanna cry
sad that sometimes it hurts to breath

if only i could pop one too many pills this time and be done with it
if only i could accidentally cut too deep this time and be done with it
and if only you weren’t leaving me this time i wouldn’t have to wish i was so angry
so that i don’t have to
be sad

i feel like i should feel bad
i feel like i should be sorry
because here i am doing the thing i said i wouldn’t do again
i said i wouldn’t hurt myself anymore
and the only thing that has kept me from doing it
is knowing i would be hurting more than just me
but here i am
sitting here, like i have
so many times before
just tearing at my skin
and i don’t wanna ******* talk about it