I feel like I am in constant state of falling. Like when you are having a dream and you fall off a cliff, and then you wake up kicking and trying to grab hold of something. That is how I feel when I am awake. The ground just suddenly shifts out from under me and I fall. I am constantly kicking and grabbing. Searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

I am falling into a never ending tunnel. I am being swallowed up by the earth. These dark memories of him wash over me and I start to fall to my death. I am falling. As I fall I remember his lies. As I fall I feel his touch.  As I fall I see him watching me. As I fall I hear his voice making promises he could not keep. I am falling. There is nothing, no one to save me.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

I am so tired of kicking and fighting. The constant searching for that thing to save me. What if I am wasting all my time and energy just grabbing at thin air? I wait and I wait and I wait for the end…the big SMACK. The sound it will make when I have stopped falling. Then will all this pain be over but that never happens.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Something always pulls me back up, briefly I regain my footing. But why? Why can the pain not just be over? What is saving me when I cannot even save myself? Why am I here fighting so hard every day, fighting so hard just to exist? Breathing and existing, carrying on in this world takes so much effort.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Why am I fighting so hard? What if forever I stay broken, hurt, sad, and unsure? What if this is my forever? Each day breathing and existing…carrying on only to have him come back and hurt me again. What is my purpose for fighting so hard? I wish someone could tell me….stop the perpetual fall.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Why am I fighting so hard? Help me understand. Tell me that one day things will be okay. One day I will be stronger, wiser, and braver.  And soon I won't feel like I'm falling anymore but like I am solidly placed in this world. That my life has a meaning, that all my fighting, and suffering, and searching, and agony was not in vain.
But for now I am searching for something or someone to save me…I just keep falling.

Words

I don't even know
Whose I can trust
Which I can trust
Which are really meant
Which are just things
People say
Just cause
It's appropriate to

I don't like them
They're not
Constant
You don't know if they're
Real
They can be that pillar of support
Until the mirage
Gets broken
And it just
Disappears
Dropping you
Like a stone

This is why i like
Solids
Hard things
Cause solids don't
Just disappear
They're
Real
And they
Don't
Lie

Words are like
Medication
They can save you
Give you life
But they can also
Take that
Away
And ****
You
And still seem
Harmless

Interesting
How you can
Manipulate
Them
To contradict
To agree
To reveal
To hide
To confuse
To clarify
But that means
Everything
Is doubtable
The duality
They can be your friend
Or your enemy

Words
You either
Hear them
For a few seconds
Read them
On paper or texts
Whether they're the
Former
Or the
Latter
They can still
Be
Thrown away
Disregarded
Given away
Changed
Never to be
Meant
Thought of
Again

"What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them..."

I
Hate
Things
That
May
Disappear.

I'm a mess
And I'm 99.99% sure there's
A rope tied around my heart because

Why else would my chest feel so heavy?

And the knot must be right below my lungs,
An inch or two under the hollow in my chest there.

And even though that's where I think it is,
I can't find it without cutting myself open
And spilling my viscera all over the floor.

So please, shake me until the knot loosens
So I can finally breathe again

And shake all of the feelings out with it.

I want to feel endless

wrap your body around mine
until I lose myself

if only for just a moment

take my hand in yours, so that,
when you pull away, you
take my sorrows with you

so even when you're gone I'm happy

run your fingers ever so gently
across my skin
I want every neuron, every nerve ending
to feel on fire, just once

because I need to feel alive

take me home,
kiss away the bad memories,
and let me sleep in your arms

I want to feel infinite.

She had collarbones like knives.
Her teeth were white as a snake's fangs,
And her eyes bright,
But dangerous,
As if they held the snake's venom.
The irises were black as coal,
Black as night, an enlargement of her pupils.
She didn't walk like she owned the place,
She walked like she created the planet
And everything on it.

She kept her jaw set.
She kept her head high.
She kept her confidence untouchable.

She counted every boy she'd truely loved on one hand,
Starting and ending with her *******.
She left the world feeling afraid of her,
But no one ever broke her heart again.

I don't think I ever loved my own voice
Until I learned to read poetry out loud.

His fingertips left trails
Of tingling nerves as they
Gently brushed across her skin
And she smiled because she loved him


Your nails dug into my skin
Leaving me scarred, damaged
Taking away even the smallest pieces of me
And I smiled because you were being kind tonight

I'm too confused to turn my thoughts into poetry so I let them mix together like paint until I make a nasty, muddled mess. I'll glop them on a canvas and call it "Love, I Guess." I'd like to crack your skull open so you can feel this raw. Then I'd fill your head with termites and watch them as they knaw. I want you to feel helpless so you can understand why I'm so breathless. Why am I so loveless? Why am I so hopeless? Just feel nothing and everything all at once, or, rather, everything and do nothing about it. Maybe I'll feel nothing so I can do everything wrong. I'll dance a dance or sing a song and let rain fall around me without covering my hair because I just don't care anymore. I just don't care. I'm in like and love and hate and jealousy and loneliness and an unfailing passion to have everything I've never had before. Crack my head open and take out my limbic system. Let me be numb. Take out the memories. Let me be dumb. Clean it all off and put it back in. Let me feel whole again.

During the day,
it was a beautiful place.
Birds sang as they flew
through the sky that met the ocean
in the same shade of blue,
so equally blended that the naked eye
couldn't tell exactly where they met.

The fresh grass,
stained in a light layer of mildew,
perfumed the air with it's sent.
The rays of sunlight brought feelings
of joy, warmth and happiness to every living thing.

The waterfall sent gentle,
rippling kisses of waves
to the rocky shore.

The paradise was a different place at night.

The lovely song birds left their jobs
to the old owls who "whoooo"-ed
with an emptiness
that left a hollow feeling in your bones.

The magnificent blues of the sky and sea were replaced
by an endless black
that seemed to have no beginning and no end.

The grass was nothing more
than a blanket beneath your feet,
and the once fresh scent was substituted
by something less welcoming,
that smothered your nostrils.

Rays of sunlight had disappeared
as the cold wind blew them slowly away
and the sun had gone with them.

The waterfall crashed down,
splashing chaotically,
sending the water that waited below
into the dangerous stone edge.