The cold distance between two hearts,
Once beating simultaneously, in unison -
A small disconnection,
A simple malfunction,
Unforeseen miscommunication amidst unvanquished certainty -
Muzzled, tightened grip,
Cloaking an angst shell of a body,
Harvesting repressed emotions,
Alluring a passive tongue -
Releasing an outpour of an outcry in an outburst,
Retribution -
Freedom released from with-in,
Healing of a contorted soul...
Commence.

"I'm sorry for being imperfect...I was born this way...there's nothing I can do about it but it doesn't matter cause i'm perfect in God's eyes."

i recall the perfect sounding pinpoint on a map
a theme park and a wonderful family
the aching cavities of cotton candy
a rollercoaster in the gut
and a mother who cares too much
and the problem of being a child who is always
fading out and pulsing with the lust of being almost free
running towards the exit eternally

and i remember jesus in the golden plastic picture frame
the silicone watches your daughters wore
and the pieces of polly pockets wedged into the carpeting
you blushed when i told my mother i found a tick on my arm
after playing dress up in your daughter's room
not everything holy is blessed
not everything unsaid is innocent
the sun and god are no better than a shepard

Sometimes I miss you
I roll over when I wake up
You are never there.
I open my eyes after crying
You are never there.

I sing you songs,
Can you hear me?
You are never here.
I eat so slowly,
Can you tell I am waiting?

My bed is empty,
My stomach is angry,
My heart is jaggedly cut,
I look beautiful on the outside-
My shoulders hunching forward
Hiding the jut of bones that peep from my skin.
You are never here,
But I am waiting.

Sometimes I wonder
Is this
Life's new version of
A Christmas Carol
And this life I am living
Is the ghost of Christmas future?

Can't I wake up
Roll over,
Hold you close.
Tell you I love you,
Apologise for not
Getting you help.
Tell you I listened
And you would never let me go.

One hundred days and I fly away.
I will be so far away
But you
You are never here.

All choked up inside because
                             there is so much I never say, wanting
                                                    to share everything and grow up
           way too fast, that's not how
                           things work around here, not
               now under microscopes

                                  I love you to the point of
  not breathing, a precaution to
     ensure such radical notions remain where they
       are, but today you

                                           told me the greatest thing you could
                                               ever have brought to my ears, that you
                                                             ­          recognize
                                                        the simple truth, the difference, this
                                                wonderful knowledge you and I have of each
                                                 other, something others chase for so much
                                                            time­, and yes we have some of
that loosely-defined handhold on
reality, the ticking, but
                                           I need you to know, I
                                                               ­         
still cannot find words.